Daughter out all night

of course she can sleep out if she wantsbut its common courtesy to drop you a text. manners cost nothing......what about when you had to bolt the door before you went to bed, you had to know who was in!

I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect a text or msg from your daughter if she decides to stay away all night, purely from a safety point of view.

No-one is saying she shouldn't be free to come and go as she pleases, but she is living in your house and should let you know if her plans change, especially as you are in charge of her daughter while she is out.

Our children are both grown, with homes of their own, and obviously we don't know the details of their comings and goings. But...if they are staying over with us, or have been over to visit, I can't settle until I know they are safely home. I don't worry otherwise!

They both send either a " home safe" msg, or a thumbs up, as they know I would worry if they didn't. It only takes a second to do, and puts my mind at rest.

Take care xx

My adult children live far away. So I never know if they are back to their homes safely. I never worry.

However, when they visit me I can't sleep until I know they are back and in their beds!

But I do think that as she is leaving a daughter in your care, it would be sensible and respectful to ask if you would take over her care for the night and following morning. A text is a simple thing to do.

Thank you for your views and it is about respect as telling me she's just going out for a few drinks and then turning up 20 hours later is hurtful. However trishers comment was interesting as hadn't thought that way plus the fire issue. She has been through alot so I'll wait and see if things change. Thanks again x

Ali23

I think this is about mutual respect too. If my daughter came to live with me I would expect her to let me know by simple text that she wasn’t coming home, so that I could lock up, and I would expect to tell her if I was staying out too.

I agree.I would expect the same of anyone staying with me and to do the same if I was staying with someone else. Just basic manners

If you would like a text so you do not worry, I agree it is up to you to control that anxiety

It doesn't matter how old she is, it's about safety as much as anything!
What if there was a fire? Are you going to send fire fighters in just in case she might be in, and put their lives in danger?
What if you think she's at a friend's but she's been in an accident and no one has known to contact you?
She definitely should respect you enough to let you know she will be out, it's just good manners imo!!

You ANBU. Mine is 22 and I would always expect a text if she’s said she was coming home and then changed plans. Have no problrns with her doing that but it’s just consideration to let you know. Totally disagree with those who say she can come and go as she pleases; it’s nothing to do with how old she is, just kindness for others.

If you had a fire during the night, presumably she'd want or even expect you to wake her up and evacuate the house?
Thought so.
So you need to know if she is in or not.

We had a fire during the daytime.
My son's car wasn't on the drive so I'd assumed he was out. (I'd been out myself that morning and hadn't seen him all day).

The fire brigade insisted I phoned him and made sure he wasn't in the building.
If I couldn't tell them 100% he wasn't in they were going to have to go upstairs and check.
And the force of the blaze meant that they really didn't want to do that if they didn't have to.
But they would have done.
At considerable risk to themselves.

It's not a question of you treating your daughter like a child.
It's about all of you being responsible adults.

It would be nice to let you know because we all still worry however old they are and it’s only decent to do so but on the other hand she’s nearly 30 so used to coming and going without telling her mum I guess

It's annoying, but in the age of mobile phones I can just ring or text if I am worried

I think she should text to let you know. And I don't think she should stay out at all if she has left her daughter with you unless you had a prior arrangement to baby-sit.

I would think it's common sense to let people know how the land lies.
There are some maniacs about!

She may just be feeling a bit vulnerable and stupid at having to come home to live with you. Asking her to text you may make her feel even more of a failure, back to mum's and having to check in with her. It will be hard but if you could just leave her free to come and go and not comment I'm sure she will adjust and begin to communicate more with you. I don't suppose she is consciously worrying you. She's obviously had a difficult time. She may find letting her daughter go to her fathers hard. I'm sure you will work things out.

Exactly- in fact not doing so sound like childhood behaviour- or petulant teenager.

I think this is about mutual respect too. If my daughter came to live with me I would expect her to let me know by simple text that she wasn’t coming home, so that I could lock up, and I would expect to tell her if I was staying out too.

I think if her child is staying with her dad on the nights she’s staying out I still think she should let you know she won’t be home as she’s still living with you regardless, basic manners

GagaJo

I think at 29 you have to accept she can stay out if she pleases. If her daughter isn't there, there isn't really any reason for her to check in with you beforehand, although a text would be polite.

Look at it this way, if you were living apart, you wouldn't know when she stayed out all night and consequently, wouldn't worry.

I didn't get the impression that the OP actually minded her staying out, more that she would simply like to know whether or not she would be home so wouldn't worry when she found her room empty in the morning.

If you've moved back into your parents' house, I think it's a small courtesy to let them know that you might be very late or not there at all.

Anyway, she has a daughter herself, so will understand one day...

Hetty58

She's an adult so I think it's unreasonable to expect her to go back to childhood behaviour, just because she stays with you. Your anxiety is your problem, not hers.

Not talking about 'childhood behaviour'- but basic respect. She is an adult who has chosen to go back and live with parents- of her own volition, because it is much better than the alternative. They do not have to put up with lack of respect because of her predicament. It has to go both ways, or not at all.

As the child is with her dad on the nights she stays out, she's well within her rights to do so though it would be considerate to let you know her intentions.

I would be ticked off as well. It would be a sign of respect to let you know.

She's an adult so I think it's unreasonable to expect her to go back to childhood behaviour, just because she stays with you. Your anxiety is your problem, not hers.

I think it it’s bad manners.

GagaJo

I think at 29 you have to accept she can stay out if she pleases. If her daughter isn't there, there isn't really any reason for her to check in with you beforehand, although a text would be polite.

Look at it this way, if you were living apart, you wouldn't know when she stayed out all night and consequently, wouldn't worry.

Easier said than done. She has gone back to live with mum and dad, under their roof- and they probably take care of many things. So the respect should go both ways, no?

I feel your pain. Mine would often do this when they were home from university, and accustomed to doing as they pleased, and I thought it disrespectful and thoughtless.

They were, presumably, asserting their 'adultness', albeit in a rather immature way.

They are older now, and although they don't stay here in the same way as when they were young (ie they come for Christmas, or whatever, rather than this being their home) they would at least let me know if their plans changed when I was expecting them home.

I'm not sure what you can do (but maybe presenting it to your daughter as immature behaviour might work - making it about her behaviour rather than your reaction to it)? You have my sympathy, though.