Seeing adult children over Christmas

You are not being unreasonable in any way. I can identify with this - got the T-shirt. I have 3 AC - my 2 sons are open and fair, my daughter hurts me time and time again yet I come back for more because I adore her and her 2 ch. She is dominated by her dad (my ex) who 'books' time with her so far in advance that I would now need to start on 2023. He was always manipulative and now it's with her. I have always had an open door policy and try not to put pressure on but it definitely means I lose out. It's not even as though I expect things to be totally fair and equal. That would be too controlling for all.
She's intelligent and capable but never seems to give a thought for my feelings even though I have always been there for her and the children at the drop of a hat. She once said to me "We will do what suits us" and it cut me to the quick.
I wouldn't cut down on your babysitting as it will decrease time with your GC which would be sad.
I have ended up feeling all I can do is put up and shut up because whenever I have ever attempted to discuss anything with her it always makes things worse for a while.
I think there are lots of folk here who are making excuses about AC being busy. They are but they should still behave with consideration for others - there is no excuse for not doing that.
Suggestions of doing other things are simply stop-gaps or sticking plaster. The underlying sadness is always there.
Sorry - this sounds like a ramble but it's pretty raw from where I am standing.

Last year my son and daughter inlaw and new granddaughter spent it with her family. But I live over 200 miles away. Yes I sat and cried but covid only allowed one day. I was supposed to be with my youngest son and family. This year It was my turn to have Christmas with my oldest son and family. Her family got new year’s. His dad and his latest gf saw them on Monday for Christmas dinner after I left.I’m heading to my youngest tomorrow for few days. Unfortunately I’ve noticed that being a mum to sons we last in the queue. I think if it’s bothering you that much. You could always tell them how your feeling at end of day they probably don’t know how much your hurting over it. I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to feel that hurt. After all your sons know what you did for them and love you.

Dear Mynxie. I really feel for you with this ridiculous situation not of your making. They Treat a job you kindly did for them as a social event? It's not as if you went out with them in December, at least you had the little ones to yourself! I have similar unthinking/selfish kids and we've decided to be courteous but not expect much,......and were busy spending what they think is their inheritance too... Have a forward thinking you-centric new year!! xxx

Hithere

How early in advance did you ask for his availability for xmas this year?
Young families are very busy and usually need to plan ahead

Sorry but don't agree. Why is it always them that "squeeze in" time with what seems always to be DSs mother? Never DiLs mother? I always went to parents EVERY new year's Day even though I disliked my parents and was a!ways treated as aside order by them in favour of my leech of a sister! Why? Because I realise that I had to be grown up among a bunch of eejits! They didn't appreciate me any more but I always had a sense of being 'above' them in the class stakes!

I can only offer you my heartfelt sympathy. I saw my middle son ( who I only see once or twice a year). He and his wife came to his brother’s for an hour’s visit because of covid ( his wife is pregnant). There were 8 of us sitting round the table, as I was talking he was muttering under his breath, in a sarcastic voice, even saying, “ Oh Christ…” which I find deeply offensive as I’m a believer. Then his wife showed everyone present a video on her phone BUT missed me out completely. I don’t know what I’ve done to offend them. Of course his father did nothing to defend me. It’s as if I don’t count for anything. All I can say is that it’s their problem not mine. I do really sympathise with you.

Omg! How very true this could be. But how sad for all of us out there who may only have sons. My oldest now lives in Canada, tonne with his Canadian fiancé. This is the son out of the two who would give us some of his precious time, shame he’s so far away!

Mummer

"I always went to parents EVERY new year's Day even though I disliked my parents and was a!ways treated as aside order by them in favour of my leech of a sister! Why? Because I realise that I had to be grown up among a bunch of eejits! They didn't appreciate me any more but I always had a sense of being 'above' them in the class stakes!"

So sorry you chose to spend your time with people you didnt like for the wrong reasons.

You chose that, other people may choose something healthier for them.

HealthyGrannie I love your little poem personifying gratitude and how it 'waits in the shadows'. You have summed up the feelings in this situation beautifully. I also have resorted to poetry and writing to vent my feelings. It does help. Thank you. xx

No you’re not being in the least bit unreasonable and your son and DiL are being very thoughtless Is there a way, without things escalating, that you can explain how upset you are ? They might not even realise ?

You have done exactly the right thing by writing to the group about this. You have now externalized your feelings and clarified things in your head.
I agree with most others here, let it go. The only person who is hurting is you. Revisiting these things brings heartache and tears. You have now started the healing process by sharing your feelings with people who can look at this from a distance. Well done, new year, new start.

It’s thoughtless and hurtful, yes you must feel upset how could you not… I also do lots for my family and if I didn’t babysit I wouldn’t really get to see my grandchildren. I have accepted that I need to make my life full enough that they are a small Part of it. As like you I put myself out and I have been very hurt by this. Try to live in the now, when we dwell on what we have done for them it just makes us feel worthless and bitter. It is upsetting but we have to make the best of ourselves and our lives so it doesn’t overwhelm our thoughts x

Bless you Mynxie.
I really feel for you. Sending hugs. ?

The only thing I can add to this thread is the observation that the mother of the mother is number one and the mother of the father is number two, whether that is at at the wedding where the bride‘s mother gets to choose her colour first or when the grandchildren are born the maternal grandmother has first dibs on the grandchildren. T’was ever thus!

kwest you are quite right, just sharing on here and seeing how common a problem it is makes me feel so much better! Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice, I have taken it all on board.

All the years my son was growing up I did a good job of fostering the relationship between him and his father. I sometimes think that I did almost TOO good a job – I never spoke badly of him or told him of the circumstances that led to the divorce. Whatever he was like as a husband to me he had been a good father and I didn’t want to jeopardise that relationship. Maybe I’m now paying the price for my integrity!

Anything I give or have given has always been without strings and given with love, not as a bribery or in expectation that I would gain anything from it other than knowing it made their lives a little easier.

I probably won’t say anything to him/them but make the most of any time we do have together, as I say, I love them to bits. I’ll just let it go and enjoy it when we do eventually meet. I do have lots of other interests and friends so I’m sure the time will pass quickly - I won’t be brooding on it any more!

Thanks again and I wish you all a very Happy New Year

You are not being unreasonable. In your shoes I wouldn't bother visiting "for Christmas" in February. I feel annoyance on your behalf...just take good care of yourself and dial any expectations of your son down to about zero.

Nooooo. Not always. All families are different

I feel for you Mynxie. I tried to make plans with my daughter well before December but "it was too soon to plan." As it turned out her husband asked his parents to stay over Christmas Eve and then they all spent time with her sister-in-law for Christmas Day. We had arranged our children (blended family) to come for Boxing Day all together but my DD and SiL were "too tired". I missed out on my 2 year-old GD at Christmas completely. So I asked my daughter to meet for lunch on the 28th and let her know how hurt and dishonoured I felt and she let me know that we had not been welcoming to her husband (she was kind of right...) and we cleared the air and it felt so great. I realized so much of it has been that I want to be first in her life and that is just not to be anymore...and I have been tolerating her husband (polite and cordial but very judgmental in my head as I do not think he is good enough--typical old fashioned MiL attitude). My mantra for the new year is kindness and compassion and love and get off my high horse and to stop feeling so entitled and superior.
I would recommend an open talk with your son and let him know how you are feeling without expectation of any change and then listen to him and I am sure that you can resolved something for the future. But I do understand your feelings, I cried on Christmas Eve...

I feel your pain. Same situation except raised 4 children after being abandoned. My advice is to totally create your own life and "fit" them in...trust and believe children these days often mimic their parents, the same little ones you are fretting over will grow up and act exactly like their parents, so sorry for you as I personally know how painful this is for you. Start creating your own activities and friends to keep you busy, learn how to be content being alone any time of the year. If you do that they'll appreciate you much more and don't be afraid to tell your adult child how you feel, what can it hurt, too often we suffer in silence and no one cares but yourself, learn to fall in love...with yourself!

I agree with many , you are not being unreasonable. They are thoughtless and young. They know they can depend on you and you will always be there if they need you. That is worth a whole lot more than one Christmas and New year. Hugs to you and please don't bare a grudge , you are a mum and always will be and they will need you too someday.

It’s not unreasonable to feel hurt. I know of several grandmothers who do a great deal and are totally taken for granted. My friend is such a one and has now started saying no after being passed over for treats and visits in favour of in-laws who are no support . at all. She said that the first time she did this they looked at her like she’d thrown a bucket of ice water over them and then stamped out in disgust. They even threatened her with non access to her GC if she didn’t comply. She held her ground and they were soon back, full of remorse. Just remember, you’ve done your bit with yours and it’s your time now to do what you want to do. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be quite so ready with my cash or my time. Next time they ask you to babysit, tell them that you have a lot of things on but you'll check in your diary. For years my son had no choice but to put his wife's family first and we were grateful for any titbits we had. They're now separated and we see much more of him.

You are too available. Have a life of your own and step back a bit.

Let it go this time but get your request in first next time and as a guest not a babysitter when you don't see them for long.

I am also sick and tired of the attitude we as Grandparents should take what we are offered
I will not be fitted in and I will not take crumbs.
I have my own life, a partner, I work, I like to drive do things, and go places.
I will not take the attitude that the OP has to put up with and my adult son and daughter do not treat me like that.

You are right to feel hurt. I would have a very gentle word about it when you next see them and ask when you can book some time for next Christmas.