Moved over 100 miles, AIBU

I've heard this scenario, through home care work, so many times when elderly relatives move closer to AC. Some have been left homeless when they have moved into converted garages as granny flats and ended up in council bedsits.
Your DD has finally left an abusive relationship. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors so you were not to know. I didn't know with my DD for several years. All caring parents will support their AC in times of crisis. Its not being used. Its a normal thing to do.
Your DD wants a new start, well away from the area she was in.
I don't think you should be upset by this. You need to develop your own circle of friends now or move back to your old area.

Some years ago I considered moving nearer my son and family. It meant that I would have to buy a smaller property because he lived in an expensive area. I love my bungalow, garden and friendly village. Good thing I didn’t move because he had to move to California because of his job.

I know this is really difficult but maybe you can look at this from your daughter's point of view. She is an abused woman who doesn't want to face her abuser on a regular basis. It may be that she feels that she needs to put space between her old life and her new start. Abused women can easily be persuaded back by an old partner, especially when they have children, so she may be protecting herself against this too. It is also quite common that abused women need someone to lean on to make their escape...they have had their confidence literally knocked out of them. She probably didn't discuss her situation before you moved because she was ashamed. Maybe she thought with you being close by, the abuse would lessen.
I would encourage your daughter to talk through her plans with a counsellor who will understand her situation and help her explore whether she is jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Sadly, it happens so often as we tend to find ourselves attracted to the same sort of people. A rescuer is often someone who is attracted to vulnerable, easily manipulated women.

Gwyneth

What does Yabu mean please? Not on list of acronyms.

It means "Yes you are being unreasonable" . Just answering the question not giving my opinion. Happy new year

Feel for you and your daughter too as she wants a new start.hope you dont fall out with her though. Lots of good advice here from good people. I don't know what to say other than what has been offered.which is good advice in my opinion. But good luck and hope it works out for all of you.

Daftbag - your daughter has a chance of happiness, let her take it without your suggestion that she won't make anything of the new relationship because she's on the rebound. You have no evidence to support that thought. If she's had a difficult life so far and you seem to be acknowledging that, she doesn't need to be thinking about having to take on the role of providing support for her parents as they age. So for all your sakes either make the decision to be proactive and form a new network of friends in your new neighbourhood, or move back to your old neighbourhood where you have a support system you can reinvigorate. As you grow older and need more help, look to the social care system, make yourself known through your GP to social services and take what help is available, i.e., maybe a carer to help you shower twice a week, or to help with your shopping - all these things are possible. Of course, they are means-tested and you may have to contribute towards them but this will make you independent of your daughter and she of you. Is there a reason why you can't plan to visit your daughter and she you? I do accept that your plans for the future have been scuppered and you are feeling bewildered but it is unreasonable to expect your daughter who has been living in a hell that she has been covering up possibly for fear of upsetting you, to take on the role of your carer and ditch her chance of a new relationship.

If you do decide you cannot make a go of your social life from your recently purchased bungalow i think you sould consider moving into some kind of sheltered housing with good access to shops, public transport, and facilities such as GP practice and post office.

This is a locator of local housing platform see below.

lin.housingcare.org/housing-care/search.aspx

There's always a risk in moving to be nearer our children. It's hard to uproot from somewhere familiar where you've been for many years and start again. We did it, but accepted from the outset that a) they could always move again because of jobs and b) it had to be a house and area that suited us. I made it clear to our daughter that this will be our last move, and if they did move again, we will not be following them. It's actually been really exciting to move to a different area and live in a different type of house, swapping a 17th century cottage for a modern house with a much smaller garden. We can all only do what seems right at the time, as you did. Your daughter has a second chance at happiness, which she is grabbing with both hands. It may or may not work out, but that is not the point at issue here. You are only 60, you have an opportunity to engage with local people and events, and make a new life for yourselves. I understand you're disappointed but it's never a good idea to try and live life through our children. Hopefully more things will be open soon as the better weather comes. I hope you find lots of things you like about your new area, and it sounds like you have a lovely bungalow which is something lots of people would love to have. I think a more positive attitude is needed. You can't change what's happened, be joyful that your daughter has got away from an abuser.

Of course YABU! Your daughter needs to find her own happy life. That should be her priority. She will be near enough to come to you in an emergency and to see you for visits throughout the year. It is not her job to care for you or to live in a location that suits you.

We must never pin our lives on those of others.
Nobody likes to feel beholden to another.
No matter how much we may love them and they us.
Offer love, understanding and independence both ways.

There are some hard hearted Hannahs on this site. I am new but have already noticed how direct and lacking in empathy a lot of the posts are. I know we have to stay real and constructive but a bit of kindness wouldn't go amiss.

I sort of moved to be nearer my children, but I made sure I wanted to be in that area ( not so far from where I grew up) and feel at home there. We chose a suitable property, near to doctors, public transport, shops, library etc. It is really important to consider one’s own long term future needs, not just those of the adult children. If my daughter moves away, I shall be really sad of course, but she must do what is best for her. I hope you can see this too.

My heart goes out to this couple for moving to be near their daughter and family. Great wise words are being offered but I know from experience it does not help to say situations may change, hindsight too is a great thing!. I have done exactly the same thing but twice and I am known as a sensible woman, well that’s not true, doing it twice ? pure stupidity. So salvage what you can and put in for a swap in an area of your choice, from now on think of only you. The grandchildren will grow up and will visit when they are older. Plus you can travel to see them as regular as you can. Good luck.

I don’t think calling someone a “daft bag” is very kind either

A lesson to us all. We have to move on with our lives whilst our children lead theirs. We have contact but don’t live our lives around them. Love them dearly but know in our hearts the minute they leave home they make their own decisions for themselves not us.

was it moving back to what is familiar, or is it the whole content of my post?

Whether or not this is a new relationship for your daughter, you have no right to expect her not to move on from an abusive relationship. If this involves moving to a different area then so be it. It’s her life, she’s an adult and must be allowed to make her own decisions. Having said that, I can empathise with your dread of being further away. My daughter moved to NZ with her partner. Now that really is a long way!

apologies to poster, i put the comment in the wrong place, sorry.

You should never follow your children as this is what can happen. I do feel for you though but sadly she's an adult and can do as she pleases.

So sorry about your predicament. He sounds as if she's desperate to be 'with' someone-anyine rather than on her own with GK? Why is that I wonder? It's a sorry state of affairs and I would just concentrate on GK and anything you can do to help them. Leave her to it! I'd really consider debunking to former area for support of those you know? Lesson to be learned? You cannot rely on others to make your life liveable.neither you nor she.

Mummer

So sorry about your predicament. He sounds as if she's desperate to be 'with' someone-anyine rather than on her own with GK? Why is that I wonder? It's a sorry state of affairs and I would just concentrate on GK and anything you can do to help them. Leave her to it! I'd really consider debunking to former area for support of those you know? Lesson to be learned? You cannot rely on others to make your life liveable.neither you nor she.

#SHE sounds!!!!

Schumee - Daftbag is poster’s user name. She chose to be known by this name. No-one is being unkind to her by calling her this!

I feel sorry for you and your predicament but hope this new relationship works out for your daughter and grandchildren. Sounds like she has had a tough time. She could be rushing things and if it doesn’t work out end up coming back to be nearer to-you, in the meantime you have to try and make the most of the situation, hard as it will be. If things seem like they are working out for her with this man in the new location you could consider moving back to your old area, although I realise keep moving is stressful it might be for the best. Good luck.

We will continue to support our daughter and her children, and protect her as much as possible. It's hard at the moment because she is making poor decisions and all we can try to do is make her aware of her options.
We understand her need to move away, but we have tried to think of other options for her. The area she is currently wanting to move to is the town where my violent ex husband lives (not her father). But is where her boyfriend lives.
Statistically it's unusual for such relationships to work out, and there are many reasons why it won't.. if they split up. She will be in a location where she has no support.
We have suggested other areas near to boyfriend where she has a support networknot just for herself but for her children.
In addition the children want to maintain contact with their father
Did we really not know that things were bad in the marriage. In a way we did. We hated his manner of Micro managing our daughter and the children. We had had concerns as to our daughters welfare on occasions but when we asked her about it she would laugh it off.
She had post natal depression after the birth of her oldest child, but she wasn't easy to talk to and my mother had a stroke and was admitted to intensive care for 3 months so we probably didn't pry enough.
We noticed that her mood was much lighter when he was in Afghanistan, but again we didn't perhaps pry enough. I was aware that she was VERY (and understandably),unhappy after having a miscarriage. It was an unplanned pregnancy, but our daughter was devastated. Her husband had the snip 3 weeks later, only telling her afterwards.

As for us, I have an appointment with a support worker who focuses on enabling people to access services, and social and learning opportunities, so we will do our best to settle here

LynW

Schumee - Daftbag is poster’s user name. She chose to be known by this name. No-one is being unkind to her by calling her this!

She chose it because perhaps she thinks she has been a daft bag.

Daftbag I can assure you that you are not daft. You moved for the best of intentions but we can't predict what others will do.

You must do what is right for you and your DH now, whether stay there and make a life in your new home or move back to where you were settled.

Good luck.