Constantly feeling undermined by my husband

Sad to read this thread

If your husband is treating you this way that is wrong of him

But he can only treat you this way if you Allow it

You can put a stop to it, communicate with him how it is effecting you

If that does not work you have 2 choices choice No1 is leave because he is destroying you slowly but surely

Option No2 give him a bit of his own medicine and undermine him every opportunity you get so he knows wat it feels like and won't do it to you anymore

Florence, he needs telling that he is spoiling the success of your project. I think you should tell him when you are alone together.
He is perhaps task- oriented as opposed to people- oriented, as many men are.

The trouble with my engineer ex husband was that he was such a perfectionist it took him years to finish a project. By the time he’d converted the loft into a playroom for the kids they’d grown up and left home. He followed soon after ( although he still hasn’t grown up, bless him…)

Also married to an engineer, who thankfully doesn't offer assistance until requested. I am dyspraxic and often look so awkward and cack handed when I do anything that he actually cannot bear to watch me.

However I do aprreciate being married to someone who can fix almost everything and put his hand to any job, although he does hate plumbing.

I’m no longer with my engineer husband, who used to undermine me constantly. Having said that ( and I did tell him so after we split up) I never appreciated living with someone who could fix everything. I sometimes longed to just buy something new but he just kept everything going forever, including a succession of old cars that were mechanically sound but horrible to drive.

Snap- and mine's an engineer too!
He's never wrong of course, so I just say thankyou for the help and I'll refer to the suggestions offered if needed.

Sometimes I ask for 'advice' before I start a task, which is often not required but it means he's been included to begin with and so can then go and do whatever he'd actually really prefer to be getting on with...

We've been married for over 40 years so I've probably had time to hone my husband usage skills

Dear Florence and Aveline

If my DH did either of the things you describe, I would simply tell him that if he can do it better than me, then he can damn well get on with it.

Especially whilst hoovering up the Christmas tree needles!

Florence, if this is the only area of life where your DH undermines you, then he is probably jealous of how well you get on with the grandchildren.

It might help if you and he found some activities that he does alone with them.

If he has always had a tendency to undermine you, I don't suppose telling him how rude and inconsiderate this is, will do the slightest bit of good at this late date, but you could try it.

This year for the first time ever when we were putting up the tree, I told DH I could not be bothered with his usual complaints about the fairy lights. Either he just got on with it, or he let me do it, and made no comments about the result (which would have been awful if I had done the job).
IT WORKED he put them up without a single curse. Now why did I not try that simple remedy years ago?

Thanks for all your comments, I feel much better now and will continue with my projects with more confidence.
Funny you should ask if he is an engineer, he did engineering and maths at Oxford! I did a CQSW at Middlesex Poly therein lies the answer I think. You are right it is a man thing, I wish my name was Emmeline.

Most of these are hilarious ??

I took down the decorations today it took ages packed them all away ready to go out for storage. After it was done suggestions were made but nothing would fit in, I walked away and came back to find everything tipped in together. Guess who is getting them out this year and then packing them away. It's a man thing!!!!!!! .
My worktops were given a" thorough" clean and all the granite protector has been lifted in big streaks. I will not be applying the next lot or buffing them up.
My late father was exactly the same I call DH by my fathers name.

Say “One man, one job” then tell him to retire to his shed.

Sounds very familiar ?? And the chances of him understanding even when you've explained to him what you want of him are pretty low. At least first time. I don't think it's a man thing either, lots of women are like that too. My mother, for one.

I make a joke of it with Mr A (after counting to ten, that is) and say something like 'Well I wish you had been here at the start to tell me where I was going to go wrong. Might have saved me some time'. I don't feel undermined by it though, just annoyed. Mr A sounds a bit like him though, he rarely starts things himself although he does like to get involved in what I am doing.

Florence123, just tell him to keep out - and get his own project. Stick up for yourself!

If my dh does this (and yes, he’s an engineer ) , I tell him to micromanage his own life, not mine!

When DH and I have, separately, done any craft work with DGs, neither of us would muscle in unless invited or asked our opinion.

He does have occasional brave days, suggesting an alternative to my way of doing things but knows if I come to a halt with a quizzical look, it is my polite questioning of….seriously?? I then count to ten and continue.

Your feelings are indeed valid Florence. I am sure you are more than capable without your DH’s input and if he is good at figuring things out, let him figure out himself where he is going wrong, he is an adult.

You have a valid point. Your DH sounds a bit like mine! He is focussing on the finished product rather than understanding the importance of allowing the GC to figure things out for themselves (with your assistance) He thinks he is helping by guiding them and telling them what to do. He means well I am sure - but has missed the point! Could you explain to him that it is not the finished product that is important , it is how the GC has got there and learned by making mistakes. He may then begin to understand that is how children learn and have fun at the same time ! Good luck , but if he is anything like my lovely DH he probably won't ' get it '!!

I've known a few people like this who always know how things should be done and not the way you do them!

They go out of their way to put you right.

I usually just say "ok you do it" and walk away.

Mine’s and engineer....and an authority on everything my husband thinks you’re lucky to have such a ‘ supportive ‘ husband ?. He wants to know what gummy bears are ?

I think it’s a man thing! ?. You’re in good company Florence123

Is he an engineer by any chance?

Maybe try talking to him about how children learn effectively ...problem solving, working out solutions etc for themselves, learning from the mistakes ....and that "just being told" doesn't cut it which is why your grandson loses interest. It is no longer his project, it has been taken over by an adult!!

Say to him that it therefore isn't helping your grandson if he solves the problems, even though you know he is trying to help!

Say to him that he is welcome to do a project separate to you with your grandson on his own BUT that when you are doing a project with your grandson you will do it your way and do not want any help/suggestions etc ...because you want to share the learning with your grandson, not listen to someone else telling you both what to do!

Once you have had that conversation then if he starts to take over next time, remind him and say clearly ...we want to solve it ourselves, it helps our learning.

If he doesn't listen, joins in anyway. repeat, repeat, repeat ...!

Your feeling are valid. Explain them and expect them to be respected!!

Oh God - this taking over is a man thing.

Mine took it upon himself to install some security app on my computer and phone which stopped me opening a lot of links.
I waited for my blood to stop boiling then uninstalled it and threatened him not to touch my stuff again.

Being right all the time sucks the joy from life, don't you think?

Your husband sounds like my boss

Does he do this in other aspects of your life?

Personally, my reaction to something like this is to give him advance notice and arrange to sit down one day and discuss it. Not in an accusatory manner, but as problem the two of you have that needs to be resolved.

*everything