AIBU or is my DH being unreasonable!

I’d be inclined to tell him that if he insists on behaving stupidly, he must self isolate from you - separate beds, meals, and disinfecting bathroom after use - in fact all the isolation rules we were given st the beginning. He may choose to put himself at risk, but does not have the right to risk your health/life.

Sue65 - I’m with you ?

Yanbu

It seems risky but if you want him to wait until Covid is over he will wait forever

Thankyou

How about showing him this thread——-say I would like you to read this all through without saying anything then maybe we can have a discussion and go from there——- do you have family who could say “Dad I feel uncomfortable with you seeing …………”. worth a try,good luck.

Surely, the unvaccinated friend is at far more risk from you hubbie than he (and also you) are from him.

I know an elderly lady who refuses vaccination. Not really sure of reason, she is not into conspiracy theories, but just feels her own immune system will be strong enough. I think she is foolish, and taking an unneccesary risk - but that really is her problem. I cannot see how socialising with her is putting me at any more risk than socialising with anyone who is vaccinated.

I know so many people now - all fully vaccinated who are testing positive, particularly those who, either at home or at work are around children. However, thanks to their vaccinations, none of them have been very ill with it. I fear for this lady if she gets infected.

Do think we are all getting rather paranoid about this. Horrible virus, causing many problems and sickness, but - fortunately, not a great killer and with vaccinations, even less so.

Do people spend other years avoiding meeting up with people who have bad colds, etc? Yes, I know this can be worse, but we have rather been trained to be extremely fearful over the past couple of years.

Whatever the facts (and I'm not going to argue them here, basically anti-vaxxers are relying on the goodwill of the rest of us to get vaccinated and provide them with herd immunity. Incredible selfishness. What bothers me most about your DHs attitude is that he would rather upset you than admit to his friend that he is putting you (and your feelings) first - the pair of them are in a kind of macho competition for who can be the most irresponsible. He seems to be treating you with no thought and little respect, not a marriage I'd want to stay in but that's up to you. However, as a first step, through many years of marriage I've learned that what I SAY has almost no effect until I DO something about it, so move him into the spare bedroom pronto! Good luck.

An anti-Vaxer is totally different to denying Covid exists! Do some decent reading and look at the REAL statistics! However, if one is particularly at risk due to reduced immunity etc then I think it is up to people to be responsible with their behaviour!! So what are you going to do for the next how many years? Lock yourselves away and build no immunity at all?? If the “experts” encouraged us to look at diet and sensible supplementation instead of giving us false statistics, everyone could benefit! Rant over!

Both are very foolish and risking you and others
They should both be made to do a shift with my daughter on her ward they are all totally exhausted, and now staff are going down like flies too ..
people are dying and idiots like your husband and his friend are causing this extra loss ..
He doesn’t care much about you ! Does he, leave the idiot
If he lands up in hospital he won’t get the treatment the vaccinated are getting I can tell you that!
The staff aren’t to pleased with those, there’s talk of banning the un vaccinated from dr surgeries and hospitals in the near future and the sooner the better !!!

As your husband complies with distancing and masks etc when in other people's company it would seem he does not want to appear to be a 'wimp' in front of his careless friends.

I know what I would do. When he next left the house to be with his anti-Vaxxer friends I'd lock him out and tell him that if they matter so much more to him than you do then perhaps he should move in with them!

At the very least he should agree to do regular LFTs and move into a spare room if he's determined to socialise with them as he is doing. Wear a mask or face shield when in his presence and maintain 2 metres distance. He might get the message then.

At way point does your friend's human rights supersede yours?

jennycot

I love reading the comments but so confused with all the abbreviations
Could some kind person help me
Many thanks

Which abbreviations ?
Look at the Acronyms page for DS etc

Other than a demand to see this couple, is your husband otherwise doing all he can to keep himself and you safe? Is he vaccinated as fully as possible? Does he wear a mask in shops? If so, why does he feel the need to see these people face to face when it is causing you such concern?

I love reading the comments but so confused with all the abbreviations
Could some kind person help me
Many thanks

Covid doesn't look like going away any time soon. And we do all need to have social contact but there are things we can do to minimise risk . That's being sensible. Can you ask him to at least stay a couple of metres apart, wear a PP2/3 mask when with them , be in well ventilated places/rooms and sanitize his hands before he comes into the house. If he does that he will significantly minimise the risk. If he's not willing to do those things, you might consider putting on a mask in the house next time when he comes back, to make your point and let him see how worried you are...seeing that might strike home. If handled correctly it could be done with a bit of a humorous attitude rather than provoking an argument.

coastalgran

Vaccinated/non-vaccinated/booster/not bothered with that yet. All sorts of scenarios for people to get upset over. Bottom line fear of our own mortality yet you could get run over by a bus tomorrow. I think that we all have to live wisely, take care and enjoy as much of our lives as we want to safely. Who knows what is ahead of us, think back to 2019 you never envisaged this argument then did you!

Aah the old "hit by a bus" non reasoning? Well if you deliberately stepped into the path of a speeding bus and didn't try to get out of its way , then yes you would get hit......but that would be the actions of a complete idiot wouldn't it?

Unfortunately my #1 DS is also an idiot! He's had early covid and refused to be vaccinated. We almost completely fell out ove my attempts to persuade him to get done! We have an uneasy truce at the mo. But I don't se him even though he lives 5 minutes round other.his partner also hasn't been done, she says she's immunocompromised but she still has a roll up smoke and goes shopping etc, AIB too cynical? I think not

naughtynanny - you made this quite sweeping generalisation:

"There is a damn good reason these NHS nurses and Doctors, are choosing NOT to have this vaccine, along with the other 15.+ million others."

I for one do not believe that NHS Nurses and Doctors have a good reason for NOT having this vaccine - I know one or two doctors and nurses who I wouldn't trust with a bargepole, and make extraordinary comments. Some ex-nurses - one of whom is currently the UK Culture Secretary and has a history of idiocy - in my opinion.

Just because they have some knowledge in their chosen sphere of work does not make them a sound and sensible source of knowledge. Because I have some knowledge of physics then, whatever I say about mechanics or engineering must be inviolable by that same yardstick.

If 15+ million - by your count - choose not to have this vaccine that protects others as well as themselves, I choose to hold the opinion that they are not contributing to the well being of society. If these people disagree, then provide the evidence and debate with those of the opposite view, and in the same profession.

Science is not exact, but collectively we may approach a more reasoned position.

Op is trying to live safely but being thwarted by inconsiderate husband and his daft anti vaxxer friends.

Vaccinated/non-vaccinated/booster/not bothered with that yet. All sorts of scenarios for people to get upset over. Bottom line fear of our own mortality yet you could get run over by a bus tomorrow. I think that we all have to live wisely, take care and enjoy as much of our lives as we want to safely. Who knows what is ahead of us, think back to 2019 you never envisaged this argument then did you!

Beau1958 I am so sorry you are dealing with this. That is thoughtless, unkind and somewhat selfish.

As you are immuno-suppressed that is an added worry for you. Do you have advice available on what to do if you do test positive when immuno suppressed ...you may be prioritised for care/extra monitoring etc?

What a selfish git your "D"H is. Can you live somewhere else temporarily or are you stuck with him? Do you actually want to be with a man who isn't interested in your health and safety? That'd be a deal breaker for me, I know.

It is his friend who is putting their friendship at risk, not you

I agree.

Also, the issue really isn't about "keeping safe" rules being daft or whatever, the issue is about 2 people in a partnership and one riding roughshod over the others views/fears without any willingness to find a compromise.

I do think that he seems a bit in awe of this friend as he clearly feels unable to behave differently with him as a compromise for the sake of his partner! If he actually thinks that requesting that of his friend will end the friendship then he seriously needs to look at his priorities!

I think some drastic action to make him wake up to how important this is to you are needed

*Request LFTs are taken before meeting up (tho how will you know his friend has done it?)
* Move into the spare room and tell him you are keeping away from him as far as you possibly can for several days after he has met up with friend.
*Stick to it and if he is unhappy, tell him the solution is in his hands and you are willing to compromise but not just carry on regardless!

It doesn't matter whether your fears are valid or not (I think in the circumstances they are reasonable), valid or not he should be taking them into consideration, discussing with you and finding solutions to suit you both.

Esspee

I would be kicking him out frankly. He values his friendship above your marriage.

Many people on this thread have made valid points, both about the risk (unvaccinated v vaccinated) and the actions that could be taken to mitigate the additional risks that arise as a result of the OP's husband's behaviour.

However, what (IMHO) is the most important issue - which Esspee has touched on - is the fact that the husband here is more concerned about his own standing in the eyes of his long term “friend” than the very real concerns and feelings of his wife. Even if he thinks that his wife's concerns are unreasonable (which in my view they're not), he should be putting her well-being first and explaining to his friend that he must adhere to certain rules (eg masking etc). He doesn't appear to have any issue with masks etc as the OP says he adheres to the rules elsewhere in social situations.
It's awful that he is not putting his wife first and just taking her acceptance of his unreasonable behaviour for granted.