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AIBU or is my DH being unreasonable!

(109 Posts)
Jezra Mon 03-Jan-22 15:28:34

My OH is keen to mix closely with a long term male friend that is an anti Vaxer and does not follow any of the basic safety rules. I’ve stopped going to any social things with the friend and his OH because of this. My DH however mixes closely with this couple and I have asked him to wait till Covid is over before meeting them face to face. I have no problem with Zoom calls etc. I feel that my DH is putting me at risk because he still socialises with them. AIBU? He thinks I am and is refusing to keep contact to Zoom or FaceTime only.

Luckygirl3 Mon 03-Jan-22 15:32:17

Well - he is being an idiot, as is his friend, but what can you do about it, short of moving house for the duration? Sorry you are stuck with this silly man.

Lucca Mon 03-Jan-22 15:33:39

I’m all for live and let live but I know I could absolutely not socialise at all with anti Vaxxers/Covid deniers. I think you have every right to stick to your guns on this one !

AGAA4 Mon 03-Jan-22 15:54:44

Your OH isn't considering your feelings on this at all. I wouldn't want to mix with the anti-vaxxers and if your OH is seeing them regularly he could be putting himself and you at risk.

Madgran77 Mon 03-Jan-22 15:57:38

The biggest concern here is that he is not respecting your feelings/concerns etc and is completely unwilling to compromise. He is putting you in an invidious position and it is not fair.

rosie1959 Mon 03-Jan-22 16:02:37

Unfortunately if you are going to wait until Covid has gone that is unlikely to happen it will always be with us.
I don’t necessarily know the exact vaccination status of everyone I might meet in social settings but as I am fully vaccinated then the risk is theirs
His friend is an idiot

NotTooOld Mon 03-Jan-22 16:06:58

Unfortunately, rosie1959, that is not quite true. There are plenty of vaccinated people in hospital with covid, so the risk is not just 'theirs'.

rosie1959 Mon 03-Jan-22 16:14:10


Unfortunately, rosie1959, that is not quite true. There are plenty of vaccinated people in hospital with covid, so the risk is not just 'theirs'.

Just my view NotTooOld as I said I do not know the vaccination status of everyone I might meet in a social situation. So I have to trust my vaccination to protect me nothing is ever going to be 100%

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 03-Jan-22 16:24:23

You certainly are not being unreasonable. He is putting at risk not only himself but you and everyone else he has contact with. Perhaps if anti-vaxxers are treated like lepers they might get the message, but I won’t be holding my breath.

Marydoll Mon 03-Jan-22 16:29:32

Has you husband no concern for your welfare? How selfish of him.

silverlining48 Mon 03-Jan-22 16:33:38

I understand up to 80% of patients in hospital have not been vaccinated.
I woukd be very unhappy in your situation. Dh and I don’t always agree on things but in this we do. He currently is positive and feeling dreadful, but he would be much worse if he hadn’t had his 3 vaccinations, ,

annodomini Mon 03-Jan-22 16:56:52

I have been reminded that the Delta Variant is still around and been told that the majority of the unvaccinated in ICUs are in fact suffering from Delta. It hasn't gone away.

M0nica Mon 03-Jan-22 17:27:26

NotTooOld,Some vaccinated people in hospital not plenty.

The last figures I saw said 80% unvaccinated, 20% vaccinated, most wth underlying medical problems.

Otherwise, I think both or neithat are being unreasonable depending on how you look at it. Being unvaccinated does not mean that you are therefore a constant source of the COVID virus. if your husband wears a mask and keeps a social distance and meets his friend outdoors, the risk is probably no higher than if he met anyone else.

Personally, the words 'friend' and 'antivaxxer' do not go together in my lexicon.Someone cannot be both.

eazybee Mon 03-Jan-22 19:00:30

You have asked your husband not to mix with his anti-vaxxer friend and he has refused.
How closely do they mix; I am assuming sharing sport, a hobby, meeting at the Pub?
You need to take action, and the first thing would be to move him into the spare room, not the sofa because you sit there.

That said, this is ridiculous, because he is putting his need for his friend's physical company above your joint welfare.
I suspect he doesn't want to lose face with his friend, who as he is stupid enough to be anti-vaccine, won't hold back on the insults.

Kim19 Mon 03-Jan-22 19:49:42

Yes, I would do separate rooms for starters. How about asking him to do LFTs? Not easy, this....... Good luck.

Bibbity Mon 03-Jan-22 20:19:40

I absolutely do not think you are unreasonable at all! As others have said I could not socialise with an anti vaxxer or Covid denier so maybe my view is clouded.

I understand your worry and it must be so hard to have this constantly in your home.

Unfortunately Covid is not going to go away. So I think the other posters suggestions of working around his social interactions are good.
Will he do routine LFTs? Do they meet outside or in a location with good ventilation?

Jezra Mon 03-Jan-22 21:36:35

They meet outside and inside the friends’ home. However, it’s strange because my DH will follow all the guidelines when mixing with others, yet with this friend it all gets forgotten about and they act as normal, no physical distancing, no mask wearing, etc
If I mention that I’m not happy with the situation my OH says that I am putting him in an terrible situation as it is a very long friendship that he doesn’t want to end. He can’t seem to get it into his head that I don’t want him to end his friendship just change it for now to accommodate the Covid risk!

eazybee Mon 03-Jan-22 21:55:04

He is putting you in a terrible situation because he may well infect you. It is his friend who is putting their friendship at risk, not you.

rizlett Tue 04-Jan-22 11:37:43

Perhaps you might decide to put in some 'in house' protection for yourself if he is not listening to your concerns very well.

So separate bedrooms as suggested by a PP. Also he can do his own food prep, washing and cooking as you might decide to do your own and not eat with him to minimise the risk to yourself. Use a separate loo too if you have one.

I think I might have decided to keep myself 2m away from him at all times.

How unconsiderate he is.

Cossy Tue 04-Jan-22 11:44:42

Nope ! You’re not being unreasonable, he is ! And his friends are nitwits !!

railman Tue 04-Jan-22 11:46:17

Jesra - I do feel sorry for you.

There are a lot of 'men' out there who think they are being 'brave' in joining in with the leads at football/rugby matches, going to the pub, not wearing masks (sorry, I mean 'face coverings'!) so as not to lose face.

The macho bravado of not wearing a mask I don't get at all - what on earth do they think will happen to them - do they suddenly become less of a man, or emasculated. That's just childish and stupid.

Meeting someone face to face is nice, but we don't live in normal times, and we need to be considerate for others' feelings and anxieties. Some people - Jacob Rees-Mogg for example - believe that because they are "all friends" then this virus cannot harm them.

As someone else has said - each is entitled to their opinion - however stupid, including anti-vaxers, but they need help, and I would not knowingly want to be in the same warehouse space as somebody that stupid.

Thisismyname1953 Tue 04-Jan-22 11:47:32

If you’re waiting for covid to be over then you could be waiting a few more years yet .

Yearoff Tue 04-Jan-22 11:47:52

I’d make him do regular LFT’s if he insists on seeing them. I do these and I don’t mix with anti Vader’s (to my knowledge). Not much you can do if he’s refuses to acknowledge your fears. I’d just be wary of his inconsiderate behaviour creeping into general everyday life.

Grantanow Tue 04-Jan-22 11:55:38

Ask him if he wants you to die if infected via him and his loony friend.

Sue65 Tue 04-Jan-22 11:56:22

I think all the concerns about‘keeping safe’ are annoying
The health minister has said we need to live alongside this virus
It will probably be with us forever in one form or another
Agreed on vaccination needed but the collateral damage will be massive if we keep on with social distancing and staying away from all risks. These include loneliness, depression. Domestic violence and child protection issues have rocketed since we all stayed away from each other
Life is a big risk for goodness sake
I’m 67 and don’t intend to hibernate away
Best wishes