AIBU or is my DH being unreasonable!

A selfish husband and an idiot of a friend, steer clear.

Beau, if you are immunocompromised, I assume you are aware of priority PCR testing and access to anti virals, if you test positive.
I am shocked and sad that your husband has been so reckless and has put you at risk.
I hope you manage to stay well

Beau1958 - I am sorry that your OH has put you in this situation, knowing full well that you are on immuno-suppressant treatment - what can he be thinking of?

Others have said that we need to live alongside this virus - indeed we do - just as we live alongside flu, German measles, measles etc. We do so by getting vaccinated against these illnesses.

And where we are facing an illness that puts many people into ICU, we need to take the steps to prot4ect the NHS.

Living alongside the virus does not mean doing nothing.

Beau If you are immuno-suppressed, I do hope your partner is staying in his own room, using a different bathroom from you if that’s possible (I’m assuming you live together), you are not going in there at at all and you are leaving food for him on a tray outside the door.

Oh dear I’m in the same situation my partner just carries on as normal seeing his friends socially, he has now got covid and I’m just waiting to get it not only that I’m on immune suppressants and to top it all he tested positive the day before our first holiday in 2 years ! So we should be on holiday now instead of sitting indoors looking at this gloomy weather. To say I’m not happy with him us an understatement he is just a very selfish individual as I feel your OH is I’m afraid.

I think your husband and his friends need a few facts. They are being very selfish. They are relying on others to do the sensible thing - whilst, for whatever reason, they refuse. Do they have some medical reason for not having it? My son is a surgeon - he has had to forgo removing a tumour on an elderly patient as she would need ICU afterwards - this department was completely full of unvaccinated Covid patients- No room at the inn - so to speak - this is happening in many hospitals- that elderly patient did not deserve to suffer the selfishness of others - did she? I think your husband is being very weak as well - a really good friendship is founded on respect as well as other things - his so called friend has no respect for his or your feelings, sensible opinions and good health - he is putting your health in jeopardy - some friend? - your husband should stand up against this idiocy not weakly give in to it. I presume this friend had all his childhood jabs? He shouldn’t forget that the jab for German measles is given to protect other people - pregnant women for a start- the disease itself is mild in children. Covid vaccination protects others too.

I'm going to be really honest now and it might make me unpopular...but I am quite angry that unvaccinated people are putting the hospitals under pressure. There was an article on our local news prior to Christmas about someone who'd had covid and had spent months in hospital, unvaccinated and wanted to encourage people to get their vaccine. He walked out of Papworth, I'm not sure whether you are all familiar with Papworth but it's a hospital for people with heart and lung problems, they do transplants, many patients with cystic fibrosis. What a risk these unvaccinated people are putting to the other people in Papworth who could die from any type of infection, let alone bloody covid. Honestly I felt really pissed off that people just don't think any further than themselves

‘Covid should not divide us, but do what is right for you but not allowing it to control us break relations’

Sue65

I think all the concerns about‘keeping safe’ are annoying
The health minister has said we need to live alongside this virus
It will probably be with us forever in one form or another
Agreed on vaccination needed but the collateral damage will be massive if we keep on with social distancing and staying away from all risks. These include loneliness, depression. Domestic violence and child protection issues have rocketed since we all stayed away from each other
Life is a big risk for goodness sake
I’m 67 and don’t intend to hibernate away
Best wishes

Totally agree Sue65. Everything we do in life is a risk but we have to make our own decisions about the risk and do what we can to minimise it. Walking out the door and getting into my car to go to the shops is a risk - I could be injured or killed on such a journey. But I do the best I can to minimise this by taking care when crossing the road or driving but I make my own decision about what I am going to do and this is what I wish we could all revert to as we seem to have become dependent on being told what we can and can't do by the Government and now some people can't seem to go back to taking personal responsibility for their health.

I am not completely keeping up with the latest rules, since the government had their ‘party’ I find it all very hypocritical. But am I right in thinking you can carry covid whether you are vaccinated or not? So if this person chooses not too, then he’s surely risking it only for himself? you could be in a supermarket next to someone that had it and they pass it on? I think we cannot push our own beliefs on to others, even if family members, whatever side you are on. My elderly parents (75) are verging more towards the side of anti vax views and choose not to wear masks… my husband is vulnerable and I choose to social distance and wear a mask, yet it doesn’t stop me seeing them or pushing my views on them. Incidentally they have been vaccinated like me, but only because they want to travel and see family abroad. Covid should not decide us, do what right for you but don’t allow it to control or break relations

I would be very uncomfortable deciding which of my friends I wanted to socialise with based solely on their vaccination status - surely they are friends regardless of whether or not they have been vaccinated - have we really got to the point where we judge people on this basis alone and, worse still (in my opinion), ask them what their vaccination status is before agreeing to any contact?

Do the friends do LFTs? Perhaps if they did before your DH visits or meets up with them this could be an indication of being clear though the tests aren't always accurate. Your DH really needs to be a bit more responsible towards you and himself Anti vaxers will be chuckling knowing your DH is accepting their attitude to the vaccine. Why did he bother to be vaccinated if he readily accepts the anti vaxers stance.

Could you ask them both to do a lateral flow test before you meet up?

I would be kicking him out frankly. He values his friendship above your marriage.

I personally know 8 people who are fully vaccinated and caught Covid Delta. All were ill and 2 seriously ill. 1 person died (elderly with cancer) but died of covid.
Also I know 3 children who caught Delta.
1 had first vaccine and was ill for 4 days.
One aged 6 was very ill and has long covid heart problems from it
The other aged 8 had a temperature for 24hrs then no other symptoms whatsoever. Absolutely nothing.
Personally I don't think the vaccine works at all. I think the companies who make it know this too but would be bankrupt if it was common knowledge.
I have had 3 vaccines but won't be having any more.

I currently have covid. The person who passed it to me is unvaccinated.
They definitely have been more unwell. As were the other adult in that house.
I haven't had my booster yet, and now can't attend the upcoming appointment because I currently have covid.
I understand OPs point of view, I don't think its unreasonable to ask for a level of consideration from your spouse/partner, especially if they are following guidelines everywhere else apart from this friendship.
It sounds like bravado. That should never come before your loved ones wishes and feelings surely?

Madgran77

The biggest concern here is that he is not respecting your feelings/concerns etc and is completely unwilling to compromise. He is putting you in an invidious position and it is not fair.

I agree with this point of view, but unhappily OP's DH probably feels that she is the one not respecting his point of view.

I don't know how the problem can be solved, because basically it seems to be one of a man refusing to consider his wife's point of view, and she is being left to deal with this.

IMO Op is right and her husband wrong, but telling him so won't make him change his mind.

If this is the only problem in your marriage, Jezra, I would, in your place, say no more about it, but continue to take precautions myself.

Could you perhaps persuade your husband only to meet these friends outdoors? Or at the very least to shower and change his clothes putting the ones he has taken off straight into the washing machine himself whe he comes home from visiting them?

If as a general rule he ignores your feelings and concerns that is different, but I don't feel justified in making that assumption based on what you have posted.

My husband insisted he was going to an International Conference at the start of the pandemic so I said that was up to him but he had to self isolate in a holiday cottage when he returned.

I feel very sorry for you. I am sure you care about him getting Covid, not only about yourself. Perhaps you could explain to him that whether or not he believes you are right, this is something that is very important to you, is making you very unhappy and affecting your relationship. In my opinion, he should put your feelings first in this situation, for both your sakes.

I agree with Baggs...great posts from naughtynanny and amalegra

You are not being unreasonable. Not sure how you can persuade your husband to take your concerns seriously. And yes, the vaccinations are very important and I hope people do take them up, but they don't prevent you getting COVID. I'm fully vaccinated but tested positive on Boxing Day. I didn't feel great but I didn't get hospitalised.

We may have to live alongside this virus for ever but it makes sense to minimize risk. I doubt one can rely on what Ministers say when Boris's concern is to avoid another Tory backbench rebellion.

Sue65 I totally agree with you...someone talking sense at last.

An appeal to reason often fails as the other justisfies according to their reasons! Appeal to his kindness - he is upsetting you and causing you anxiety and distress

My brother in law is an anti-vaxer, and is adamant he won't have it done, but then was most put out when he asked to visit an elderly uncle and was told no. These people have the right to make their choice regarding vaccination, but can't expect others to knowingly put themselves at a higher risk of catching the virus by meeting with them. I think you are being perfectly reasonable OP, and quite seriously, if my OH was happy to put my feelings beneath those of a friend, I would be seriously considering whether or not I wished to remain married to him. This is not just a question of whether in reality he is putting you at risk, but the fact that he doesn't care!