Elderly Mother + Family Event

It's the Ops mother's decision whether she attends however the Ops right to decide what she does or does not do with regard to facilitating the visit and providing care and the rights of a carer are enshrined in law!

MissAdventure

Its entirely her choice.
I would not want other people deciding what was good or bad for me, and making decisions on the basis of that.

If your mum gets mobility allowance, use that to get what help or lifts she may need, if you're unable to do all, or part of the journey with her.

Afraid to say that no one gets mobility allowance over 65. The government deemvthat mobility issues are natural aging after this age! I've just tried to get it and was told this.

Hithere

Agree, agree.

If there is 1 thing that worries me about the future, its that i will become a burden for my daughter, she works full time and has 4 children. That is something i absolutely dread, but what possible avoidance can there be !!! BUT I KNOW THIS ISNT THE PLACE TO DISCUSS ALL THAT...

Appologies for leaping in......

If it were me, I would go, we have to live and enjoy the moment whatever your age. It’s her decision..

For starters ask your Mum what she wants. Then could you and perhaps the carers do a quick reccy of the venue and where you would stay? See if you need to find an alternative. Much though she might like to go, you need to be realistic. Tend to agree with the more negative posters here. Especially as I worked in a Care Home for 5 years, and saw the struggles many relatives had coping with just one day.

f77ms

MissAdventure

Its entirely her choice.
I would not want other people deciding what was good or bad for me, and making decisions on the basis of that.

If your mum gets mobility allowance, use that to get what help or lifts she may need, if you're unable to do all, or part of the journey with her.

Afraid to say that no one gets mobility allowance over 65. The government deemvthat mobility issues are natural aging after this age! I've just tried to get it and was told this.

I’m 69 and receive motability allowance and have done for 10 years or so . You need to claim it before your 60th birthday because you cannot claim after 60 years old .
As regards to the elderly mother , surely it’s her choice if she would like to go , only she knows how she really feels about it , as previous posters have said , life is for living not just existing , we’ve already wasted 2 years of our lives in lockdown.
I certainly wouldn’t want my children , or anyone else for that matter , making choices for me later in life if I’m capable of making them myself . Make arrangements to take her , let her enjoy the moments , let her feel alive , be happy for her , life is too short for regrets .

I think that some of the slight differences of opinion on here depend rather on the quality of the relationship.
Although I had on the whole, a good relationship with my mum, she could be manipulative and it was very difficult to have an honest conversation about such circumstances.
For instance, she often tried to get me to take her places that I felt were not a good use of my precious time off work / away from family. It took a row for her to admit how much she hated taxis and felt vulnerable in them. Although it didn't make much difference, I was at least able to say 'I know you hate getting a taxi....' instead of 'Why don't you just get a taxi?' in an exasperated tome!

Sounds as if MissAdventure and her family had a more open relationship. After my mum died, and my dad became frail, we were able to have very honest talks about what he wanted and what support I could offer.

This discussion has highlighted the need for clarity.

Thank you so much Maddyone ?

Allsorts

If it were me, I would go, we have to live and enjoy the moment whatever your age. It’s her decision..

This is simply wrong, it’s not the elderly person’s decision alone unless she can arrange everything herself completely independently. If she is relying on others to transport, take care, lift her out of chairs, accompany her to the toilet, lift and push a wheelchair etc then it is also the decision of the carers and their ability to provide the level of care she needs. I’m amazed that many people can’t see this, clearly they’ve not had caring responsibilities ever for elderly people. It’s actually unbelievable that people in our age group can’t see the difficulties and the responsibilities. Why do you think there are so many care homes? It’s because people who live to 90+ need a level of care that their children, already in their 60s or 70s simply cannot provide.

What maddyone said

It is a mutual decision, and has to be a realistic one for everyone. It definitely is not just the elderly persons decision alone, nor is it for the AC to make. All parties have yo be realistic about what can be managed that will work for everyone!

Bit if she doesn't go it shouldn't be because it might tire her a per se!

maddyone you're so right.
My husband was quite shocked how much mobility his mum's lost recently. He was struggling to get her up out of a chair but he has no experience of manual handling and quite frankly wasn't doing it correctly.
I've had experience in hospital and a care setting, plus the relevant training, and when I intervened it was actually quite straightforward.

if mum has Capacity and is given all the facts she should be allowed to make her own decisions

Are the carers allowed to make their own decisions then? Or is it just mother who decides?

V3ra my mother is the same. In the last year she has lost more or less all of the limited mobility that she had. Until this year I did everything to ensure that she had as good life as possible. She needed us to do her washing, to do her shopping, to take her to her many medical appointments and we took her to all our family gatherings. I even took her to the cinema a couple of times pre Covid. However now her abilities are severely restricted by her own lack of mobility. She’s impossible to manage even for a short visit to our house due to her inability to access the toilet safely, and her inability to even get up one step to get inside the house. She cannot manage to sit in our armchairs either because she simply can’t get out of them. It’s a simple but true fact that my mother is no longer able to join in family events safely, and I’m not going to live with the guilt if I took her out and she fell, and then was even less mobile. It’s a simple fact that after each of her three falls, her mobility became further impaired.
The OP must consider her own situation carefully. It is not just for the mother to decide. The OP must weigh up the situation, she alone knows her mother’s capabilities, we don’t, and then she should decide if it’s both possible and safe. And she should base her decision on that.

Are the carers allowed to make their own decisions then? Or is it just mother who decides?

It is a mutual decision with honest discussions. As I had with my own mother. I was fortunate that she was able to see and accept her own limitations and also my own needs. If the elderly person isn't able to do that, with honest discussion, then it is even more difficult and can mean the carer may have to make very unpopular but necessary decisions...as had to happen with my MIL!

Of course, if she is capable of going to the event without having to rely on others, the mother is quite within her rights to make her own decision as to whether or not she attends the event. If it is case that she might simply get tired, then that's not really a problem. However, she cannot simply decide to go, if she needs to rely on others to care for her. It all depends on what her level of frailty is, and how much help she would need.

As an aside, my father was only 78 when he passed away last year. He had a sharp mind, was very independent, lived alone, and still managed to get out and about into the local town, even though he was riddled with arthritis, and had numerous other issues! Most outsiders would think that he should've attended a family event if invited. However, he was a constant worry to me, and everyone who cared about him. He thought he was invincible, and could do anything ... and he certainly did do whatever he wanted, to the detriment of my sanity, after frequent hospital visits due to falls ... some serious! But he wouldn't give up doing whatever he wanted to do, regardless of the fact that he was putting himself in danger! I loved him dearly, and went above and beyond the call of duty to do whatever I could for him. However, there came a point when I did feel that my life was no longer my own. Yes, he was capable of making his own decisions, but they weren't always the most sensible ones, and it was other people who had the worry, and burden, of picking up the pieces afterwards. I wouldn't have changed him for the world, but I have told my own ACs that I will never willingly put them through the stress, and worry, that my father put me through.

Portmeanne

My elderly frail mother has been invited to a family event which requires a significant car journey + overnight stay.
I live locally to her, along with 2 siblings , we provide the majority of her care. ( She lives alone )
Some of family think she should go but I have concerns about the impact on her health of such an event.
My concerns are not the event itself but the impact of such exertion will have on her. She gets very tired following such events and I feel it is this that increases her risks.
Additionally it comes at a very busy time with other commitments for some of us that live locally so should she require further support it would be very challenging.
What are your thoughts- have you had a similar dilemma ?

No dilemma here. Just because she's been invited it doesn't mean she HAS to go! I've been invited to weddings abroad, ok vernights to birthdays and other celebrations over the years but have definitely not gone to every single one! Get real

Coconut

My son no:2 has just moved to Jersey and has asked my 92 year old mum if she’d like to visit. She really wants to and I will bring her out here in the Spring .... however it’s going to be a logistical nightmare getting her out here with wheelchair, Zimmer, airport assistance etc I fly back home later today so I’m going to make some enquiries at the airport as to what help is available. She’s quite demanding too, must eat at certain times, and dictates where we should go etc so watch this space ?

I always feel that younger gen. Have no concept of what being old, properly old entails, how could they? Well the same way we can appreciate how hard it is to manage multiple kids on a trip out! They need to really make the effort to put themselvyin others'shoes! It's not simply a case of pack them up and travel.theyre so simplistic in attitude it annoys me.

I remember being the furthest away at all the places I used to work so was the one not drinking at works events and driving home in dark and grotty weather, once I had the temerity to ask if they could move their Christmas dinner event locally to me? I nearly got lynched! Unthinkable!?!?! Similarly if your relatives SO want your mum to attend why then don't they decant their "DO" locally to her and THEY, do the long journey and overnight stay? They're much better placed to cope and afford it surely, or is it not such a big deal when they have to go out on a limb........?

Portmeanne If your description of your mother is fair "elderly frail", and you're right that she will get tired, then I'd advise her against this particular outing.
And I'm astounded that anyone should think otherwise.
I'm aware that the the jury's still out on omicron, but it's very clear that it's highly transmissible. And if you're tired then you'll have less resistance against getting it. It does seem that many people getting omicron are getting much-less-bad symptoms. But the thing no one seems totally certain about is how it will affect elderly people, frail people, and already-ill people. Particularly in the longer-term.
If I were you I'd go through the risks with her, and advise that unless/until there's clear evidence that she'll have minor symptoms if she gets it, it'd be unwise to attend.
(Take a quick squiz at the advice being given on the "would you attend a party of 120?" thread.)
It's all very well for "strangers" on this thread to advise her to attend and be damned but I think that if she waits there will be more get-togethers to attend in the near-enough future.

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Reported

But could I just add my tuppenceworth to those who said “don’t go, there will be more events in the future,” if the lady is indeed very elderly that may not be the case.
Given that this thread is a few months old now, I hope she went, enjoyed it and has many happy memories - whatever the future holds.

I am an elderly mother (90) who lives alone and my family , including one daughter in law in particular, know what I feel capable of . Ask the old lady herself what she would want.
If it were my decision I'd say "Thanks but no thanks".

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