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Have i took this the wrong way ?

(49 Posts)
Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 11:00:35

Hello I’m not a gran but didn’t want to post on Mumsnet as I feel I would benefit more getting a grans perspective on the situation!

So my partner booked me a private scan as a surprise but he had to tell me early because he didn't realise he had actually booked a slight later time than we would have both liked as the scan Center that done 4D scans is about 2 hours away each way and we would have to arrange someone to watch our little boy, I tried to change the time and was unable and they did have a cancellation fee so we wanted to see if we could get childcare for our younger son first before cancelling or rebooking for another time. My mum and dad aren't an option as I don't have a relationship with them; so my partner asked his mum if she could watch my son for the night and she replied with "Would rather not "
Im just a little hurt by her use of words not the fact that she doesn't want to watch him as I would never expect someone to be able to watch my son whenever I ask, it was never expected of her I want to make that clear but I'm questioning what's so wrong with watching my son the odd time when she watches her grand daughter every Saturday and few days during the week. She also had her every weekend over night when she was much younger. Of course we haven’t said anything to her we have told her no problem we will sort something else out. I think maybe I have took this the wrong way but I can’t help feel slightly disheartened that she doesn’t want to watch my son but can watch her grand daughter, even though her other son and his wife have a much bigger support network than us.

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 14-Jan-22 17:12:18

Not sure...just think you need to talk. Preferably your partner should as they’re his parents.

I personally don’t do overnights. I’ve done my time, and don’t want it again. Always happy to do days though if I can.

However, your MIL has done overnights with her granddaughter, so it’s not unreasonable to ask her to explain if she can. It may simply be she’s used to one child, but doesn’t want to expand on it.

Congratulations on the baby, and hope all goes well. Remember...none of this is important, just your lives together with your children.

Patsy70 Fri 14-Jan-22 17:16:08

Calistemon 😂

Calistemon Fri 14-Jan-22 17:20:34

Oh, it's a baby scan! I missed that as I am awaiting a scan on my knees (what a lovely treat).

Congratulations and Keep Calm, OP, don't stress about the small stuff.

Patsy70 Fri 14-Jan-22 17:23:44

My apologies too, Justamom. Hope all goes well for you and baby. flowers

Madgran77 Fri 14-Jan-22 18:25:34

Justamom To avoid feeling concerned/disappointed/worried about why your MIL didn't want to look after your son when she does her other grandchildren (and to avoid possible misunderstandings) I would suggest that you and/or your DH (him as its his mum? maybe with you there as well, as a couple? ) ask her ...as in...

We have rearranged our appointment so ** can come with us. Can I just ask why you said you'd prefer not to look after him? I'm asking because I am not sure if you meant you never want to or whether it was because you were busy, or something else?"

Listen carefully to the reply and respond accordingly, not defensively and accepting her response for what it is. Good luck flowers .

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 19:15:19

MissAdventure

Well, grans are always being reminded on here that the parents have sole responsibility, and to "lower their expectations".
It goes both ways.

I can’t speak for what other people think and say. It definitely goes both ways and I’m the one who makes sure my boys have a relationship with their grandmother no matter what, I love her very very much as does my partner and my boys. Please don’t think I have “high” expectations of her because this was a one off time we asked her to watch him! It’s not the fact she declined that was hurtful it was more of the fact she watches her grand daughter 3/4 times a week but never asks to see our boys

VioletSky Fri 14-Jan-22 19:21:09

Its a shame that she likes to babysit one grandchild and not the other.

"I'd rather not" is a very abrupt and I understand why you might feel your son is not wanted where her granddaughter is.

I think it should be up to her son to have a conversation with her about this, I hope you find someone to help with the scan date

Hetty58 Fri 14-Jan-22 19:45:52

I'd have my elder daughter's kids overnight - because they know me well - and they sleep.

The younger daughter's boys don't see me so often (as they live further away) and are very different, awake several times during the night (even at home) - so no, I'd rather not - unless there was an emergency.

It doesn't mean that I favour one family over the other, I just really need my sleep!

Serendipity22 Fri 14-Jan-22 19:49:51

Maybe your MIL wanted a quiet evening.

If she has your partners brothers daughter and then your son for the night, it might be she knew she would be tired out and typed out "I'd rather not."

I take Amitriptyline every night now and i need my sleep, so for my younger GC it is a no, no to sleeping. Maybe its similar to that scenario. X

Nonogran Fri 14-Jan-22 21:22:00

Forgive me but could your little boy not have slept in the car on your return journey? Am I misunderstanding something? Is his bed/sleep time a bit rigid?
My small daughter & I would visit family some distance away so I would make her as comfortable as possible in her car seat (extra pillow & blanket etc) and she used to sleep all the way home. She’d briefly wake as I lifted her out and into her bed, but she was totally untroubled by this. Maybe you could have thought of it as an “adventure” for your little lad?
I think there might be something going on with your mother in law but frankly, I’d be very nervous of caring for a small grandchild overnight. It’s a big responsibility.
I’m sorry if I’m missing something or haven’t read the other responses comprehensively enough.
I hope your upcoming confinement goes smoothly and your your coming new baby will bring lots of joy to your little family. flowers

CanadianGran Fri 14-Jan-22 21:22:40

I don't blame you for being a bit hurt. You don't say the age of your little one, or the other grandchild. Perhaps yours is too young/rambuctious/fussy for her to be comfortable with? Perhaps the other child is older/toilet trained/calmer?

Not all children take the same amount of care. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I would be curious. Looking after an 8 year old is different from looking after an 18 month old, for example.

Get your husband to put out feelers. Maybe your little one screams the minute you leave, and she hasn't told you... Just don't alienate her because she refused childcare.

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 22:07:45

CanadianGran

I don't blame you for being a bit hurt. You don't say the age of your little one, or the other grandchild. Perhaps yours is too young/rambuctious/fussy for her to be comfortable with? Perhaps the other child is older/toilet trained/calmer?

Not all children take the same amount of care. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I would be curious. Looking after an 8 year old is different from looking after an 18 month old, for example.

Get your husband to put out feelers. Maybe your little one screams the minute you leave, and she hasn't told you... Just don't alienate her because she refused childcare.

Thank you for your replysmile my little boy is 3 and grand daughter is 4 so not a lot of difference. I would say personally they are very similar. my son and niece both love granny very much and never get upset he runs straight for my MIL 😊 he is always asking for her we take him to see her as much as we possibly can (1/2 times a week ). Absolutely agree with you every child is different with their needs but I feel it’s completely unfair to take one child over night on a regular basis but not the other, last time my son was there he slept 14 hours lol it must be there big garden 😂although that was probably about 8 months ago I just can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help us out but that is her choice and i really hope when they get older she doesn’t favour the grand daughter as that would break my heart as I know what that was like as a child. I would never alienate her but I will remove my child from any situation I feel he’s being treated unfairly in ( there has only been 1 instance) and that got resolved fairly quickly and she apologised and I forgave.

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 22:13:37

Serendipity22

Maybe your MIL wanted a quiet evening.

If she has your partners brothers daughter and then your son for the night, it might be she knew she would be tired out and typed out "I'd rather not."

I take Amitriptyline every night now and i need my sleep, so for my younger GC it is a no, no to sleeping. Maybe its similar to that scenario. X

Absolutely and I completely understand that but my son and niece are only 1 year apart so I don’t feel like there is any reason for her to decline my son on every occasion that we do ask. She did take early retirement to help look after her grand baby’s ( her words to me and BIL) of course I would never ever expect this of her! But it seems she is only interested in having alone time with grand daughter which is hurtful sad

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 22:17:34

Nonogran

Forgive me but could your little boy not have slept in the car on your return journey? Am I misunderstanding something? Is his bed/sleep time a bit rigid?
My small daughter & I would visit family some distance away so I would make her as comfortable as possible in her car seat (extra pillow & blanket etc) and she used to sleep all the way home. She’d briefly wake as I lifted her out and into her bed, but she was totally untroubled by this. Maybe you could have thought of it as an “adventure” for your little lad?
I think there might be something going on with your mother in law but frankly, I’d be very nervous of caring for a small grandchild overnight. It’s a big responsibility.
I’m sorry if I’m missing something or haven’t read the other responses comprehensively enough.
I hope your upcoming confinement goes smoothly and your your coming new baby will bring lots of joy to your little family. flowers

Thank you for your reply smile absolutely he could have but we would rather not do that unless we had no other option; we asked MIL this one time because she has her grand daughter on a regular basis at least 1 night a week and they are only 1 year apart so we didn’t think it was an unreasonable request. Of course she can decline I think it was her choice of words that got to me the most. We rescheduled for a later date and a much more convenient time so our little boy can come with us in the morningsmile

Justamom Fri 14-Jan-22 22:22:05

Hetty58

I'd have my elder daughter's kids overnight - because they know me well - and they sleep.

The younger daughter's boys don't see me so often (as they live further away) and are very different, awake several times during the night (even at home) - so no, I'd rather not - unless there was an emergency.

It doesn't mean that I favour one family over the other, I just really need my sleep!

That’s completely understandable but we are all within 10 mins of each other, and my son sleeps very well 12/14 hours a night although when he’s not well that’s a different story but I guess all children are like that, also there is only 1 year age gap between so and grand daughter.

Summerlove Fri 14-Jan-22 23:09:42

25Avalon

She didn’t say that she wouldn’t, just that she would rather not. Maybe she has something else planned on that day which she would rather not cancel, maybe she doesn’t feel well, maybe she is worried she might catch Covid as it is prevalent amongst young children. You really don’t know but this is going to eat away at you like a canker and could upset your whole relationship. Could dh speak to her and ask what the reason is?

I can’t imagine anyone pushing for a yes after hearing that though
It’s a passive way of saying no

Beswitched Sat 15-Jan-22 09:29:44

Is your son a bit of a live wire, or prone to tantrums or in some other way difficult for an older grandparent to babysit?

Or could your mother in law be feeling a bit out upon by her other son and dil and is afraid of being expected to mind your child regularly as well if she agrees once? (not saying you would abuse her good will, but maybe she just feels once bitten, twice shy).

love0c Sat 15-Jan-22 09:34:02

We as the reader do not all the circumstances. Has your MIL not had a lot to do with your son? feels unsure about being left with him?

CafeAuLait Sun 16-Jan-22 00:53:10

There could be any number of reasons your MIL is comfortable with her GD but not her GS. Not necessarily ones that need to be taken personally either.

I think it's best to talk to MIL and clarify. She has no obligation to care for your child at all, but at least clarifying would avoid damaging misunderstandings about her motivation.

If I was asked to watch a child and said, "I'd rather not," it's not a no. What that would mean is I'd prefer not to (because I'm tired, not feeling well, have a headache, want a quiet night watching TV, have a plan I could change but would prefer not to) but, if this is urgent and necessary, I will help out. Sometimes if I don't want to babysit to allow a couple to go out to dinner, I might do it if someone needed to go to the hospital, as an example.

NfkDumpling Sun 16-Jan-22 06:58:11

Perhaps you could ask her if your son can have a sleep over as a treat, as you know he'd love to spend time with her. When you're at home and available if it doesn't work out. It would be an introduction to the conversation you rather do need to have with her. If your parents aren't there to sit for him and you don't have any other support network who could, you need her to be there for emergencies at least. Make sure she knows you don't want it to be a regular thing, but just for treats and emergencies.

She may be nervous of having him to stay if he's not used to her routines as the grandaughter obviously is. And she may not want to feel obliged to take on another regular babysitting role.

Grammaretto Sun 16-Jan-22 09:53:41

Good idea NfkD If he hasn't had sleepovers with his grandparents before, it would be best to have a trial.

I would be worried if I suddenly had sole care of a 3 yr old.

Or maybe she had something very important to do that evening?
Congratulations on the baby Justamom and if you find out the reason for her abrupt reply, please let us know. We learn all the time on here.

hanamark Mon 17-Jan-22 04:10:39

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Serendipity22 Mon 17-Jan-22 09:44:24

Hmmmm, it seems cards on the table face up is needed, as my mum used to say "Its not what you say but how you say it.* If i were you i would go see you MIL, not via text or WhatsApp because electronic messages can be soooooo misleading.

Could you go see her and explain your concerns, cards on the table and all that.

You're going to get a far better reasoning to it all than just going by electronic messaging.

Thinking of you ... hope all turns out okay.

smile