What to do on death of a loved one

It's the people who use such a sad time by using these platforms to have their "5 minutes of fame" that I am uncomfortable with.

Who are these people I cannot help but wonder? I have certainly never seen or heard of them.

Your apology is welcome Sashabel and I accept that your intention was not to offend or upset. However, a sense of negative judgement is inherent in your posts and I hope that some of the responses here will have given you an opportunity to rethink that.

Not everyone can afford to have an announcement of the death of their loved one in the local newspaper these days souse social media instead. Nowadays Funeral Directors also use social media to inform people in the area of a death of a member of the community. I’ve had a FB account for 13 years now and have rarely seen fund raising requests to cover funeral costs.

I don't think OP meant to upset of judge anyone. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. I'd not use social media to announce a death, but my daughters probably would. I'd not want a 'Go Fund Me' but there may be some who would. I've learned from this post, nothing wrong with different and new information.

My only issue with posting a death on social media, is the anonymity people have when responding.

We had a tragic car accident here in the last few weeks, where two young people lost their lives. The local police Facebook page carried the story, with tributes to the young people who died, and those who were injured, and asking if anyone had dashcam footage.

There were hundreds of replies to that post, including close family members and friends, and the vast majority were beautiful heartfelt tributes to those young people

But as always there were the few who saw fit to speculate on the cause of the accident, and also write some very untrue statements, which can only have added to the distress and pain felt by the family members.

Social media is a quick way to "announce" the death of a person to those you are in contact with by those means. But personally, I would be cautious, due to the vitriol that can be spouted under the cloak of anonymity.

Making a brief announcement on FB to inform friends who may not have heard about the death of a loved one is perfectly acceptable, and I was not referring to that in my original post. It's the people who use such a sad time by using these platforms to have their "5 minutes of fame" that I am uncomfortable with. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough in my original post for so many of you to take this as a personal offence, for which I apologise.

I would much rather know about someone’s death through social media than not at all, as it gives an opportunity to express condolences to the family.
I am sure too that it must give comfort to them to know that friends and acquaintances hold them in their thoughts.

(((Hugs))) lucky. I can't believe it's been 2 years.

My mum used to say 'what ever gets you through the night'.

When my brother died on December 4th last year I did tell my friends about his death. All the people on Facebook page are only known to me and my family so it was a personal event.
My face book page is arranged so that only my chosen friends can see what I post.

@Dibbydod

The Poster is in no way disrespecting anyone who has lost a loved one and how they personally deal with it...

The OP said...

" You read how grief stricken the relatives are, but they have managed to find the time to post all the details for all to see. I maybe stirring up a real hornets nest here, but I just can't understand it."

It might not be disrespectful, but judgment is implicit in that last paragraph.

... "you read how grief stricken the relatives are but... it's that but that gives away the OP's opinion...

We might pick up the phone (or get someone else to) to inform distant relatives (and old friends) of somebody's death and the funeral arrangements. The younger generation, though, communicate through social media instead.

Crowdfunding for funeral costs seemed to begin with the tragic and unexpected deaths of younger people - often set up by friends, rather than family. I see nothing wrong with it, after all, many folk can't suddenly find £5,000. There's no obligation to make a contribution, although some of us want to help out.

So, it's just the way things are changing - although I was very upset to be informed of the sudden death of a close friend - by text (that was cruel and thoughtless).

Each to their own,what ever helps with the greaving.

My husband died nearly five years ago. The circumstances were so traumatic that it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to post on social media at the time. After the funeral, however, I was dealing with the last of the seemingly endless paperwork and it dawned on me that he had a FB account. The site allowed me to post on his timeline and gave the online tools to leave what amounted to a eulogy and to give details to those people who might otherwise not have known. I have since taken over his account and his original content is left untouched - it still gives me comfort to read through it from time to time. He wrote the way he talked and somehow I feel closer to him.

Sending thoughts lucky girl ?

Sashabel, I have been fortunate in not losing a very close loved one in recent time. I know people who have and yes, some have posted their loss on Facebook. It’s similar to a post in the local newspaper - the world has changed. Births, deaths, marriages often posted on Facebook rather than in the local paper.
O don’t know if you feel judgemental but that’s how your OP seemed to me

I think there's a lot to be said for posting information about a death on social media. More than 20 years ago I met a friend in the street, it was the end of the summer holidays and I'd been away for several weeks. I asked how she'd been and how was her husband. I had no idea that he had been killed in a road accident at the start of the holiday. I think these days, I would have known and been able to handle the dreadful situation with more compassion. It was truly awful! With regard to asking for help with funeral costs, having had a relative die just before "covid" I was totally shocked at how much the funeral cost, not a problem for us as the estate was more than able to cover the costs but it made me wonder how some families cope. tbh I'd rather help with funeral costs than send a bunch of flowers if I knew that the family were struggling financially, who wouldn't?

We’re all different. The few friends and extended family we have aren’t on FB.

I agree that the world has changed; many towns no longer have local newspapers, many people don't have home phones any more so the best way to reach people about a death would be social media.

As for social media fundraising; I have never come across it for a funeral, but have for families in need because of a medical trauma of some sort. It usually is started by a family friend with good intentions, and everyone has a choice to give or not.

Face it, in days past, the church and local charities would support people in times of need, but many do not belong to church congregations, and small local charity groups have folded for lack of volunteers. Social media is the new way of getting things done.

I'm on social media and the first and only time I've seen anyone ask for help with funeral funding was yesterday .A young piper who we often saw /heard on Independence marches took his own life .His friends asked
for funds to help his parents who are to say the least devastated ,Who are we to judge,its being done with the best of intentions from a good heart .And yes ,we donated .

Many people don't read newspapers or look up death notice sites. Social media has taken over from that and is a good way to let family, friends and the community know.
Funding posts are often started by friends. I have no objection to this especially for someone young as family will probably have no provision for funerals, and I am happy to support fund raising for charities/hospitals/hospices. I do object to these go fund me sites for people who have gone on holiday with no insurance then had an accident as that is their own fault. If you can afford to go on holiday insurance is part of it.

I very rarely post anything on social media but, if I had a bereavement in my immediate family, I think I probably would (in addition to our local telegraph). It's quick, easy and can reach so many people without the need to repeat yourself when distressed.

In relation to people asking for help in paying for funerals, I really can't think of anything worse than not having the money to pay for your loved ones service. In the current economical climate, I fear more people will find themselves in this position

You are judging people who are grieving and possibly in shock,
just over four years ago I received a telephone call telling me my darling daughter had taken her life, I was alone, I sat clutching a box of painkillers, wanted to be with her but had three teenage grandchildren dependent on me, I reached out
here, I received so much support , with funeral arrangements, not with money but with care and understanding, through the inquest too . My life was saved because I reached out here.

Please don’t judge people who are lost in grief

Each to their own we all find ways of dealing with things.

I am not sure it actually matters what others like or dislike. What matters is that the bereaved individuals do the right thing for them. What others might think is irrelevant.

The use of social media for announcements that used to be in the paper is quite simply moving with the times.

I chose a very simple announcement in the paper - my choice. But I do not judge those who choose to do something more in keeping with the times - their choice.

For me, it's the sort of announcements I have read about that I don't like. Not just a simple announcement like you would (and I did) put in a newspaper.

The use of social media to inform people of a death is no different from putting it in the local paper (or The Times) - it is simply a modern version, using a means that was not open to previous generations. People have made announcements in local and national papers, and expressing their sadness, for hundreds of years.

How do you think, OP, people on here who have been recently bereaved and used facebook etc. to inform others of the death might feel about your scathing post? Your post implies that there is something crass and less sincere about using social media in this way - it is quite offensive to those who have chosen to do so.

For those who struggle to pay the exorbitant costs of a funeral, social media and crowd-funding provide a useful way of being able to create the sort of fitting ceremony and tribute to their loved one. I am glad that this is available to them.

Recently a Gransnetter in need of funding for important surgery used the same means to raise the funds and many of us were happy to be part of helping her - do you find that unacceptable too?

Dibbydod - thank you for your post and for understanding what I was trying to get at.
In no way was I disrespecting those on the GN forum who have lost a loved one. I don't consider the GN Forum to be anything like FB, Twitter or Instagram and for all of those on this site that have experienced bereavement, you have my condolences.