What to do on death of a loved one

I'm sure it wasn't meant to offend.

I think the OP has been judged very harshly on here. I don’t feel that Sashabel’s intention was to upset anyone.

I can’t understand it either, but I suppose times change ,but not necessarily for the better.
Maybe we are just conditioned by the era’s we are born into.

Ali08

Luckygirl3

I would not presume to judge those who have been bereaved on how they choose to deal with this. We all find our own different ways of coping.

You need to do two things:
- search in your heart for a shred of humanity
- ask for your post to be removed

Today is the second anniversary of my husband's death. I am dealing with it in my own way. I do not need you or anyone else passing judgement.

I'm sorry for your bereavement but, tbf, any one of us could have an anniversary of someone's passing at any time and Sashabe1 most probably didn't know of yours, and therefore did not set out to hurt you, so I think you are being unfair!

Indeed she did not know this, but that is exactly my point. Her scathing comments had the potential to cause offence to any person on this website who has been bereaved, and of course to those who had used facebook to inform others. Given that this is a site confined to grandparents, inevitably there will be many widows/widowers, so the potential to cause upset is high.

My young adult gc did exactly this, they posted on Facebook the death of their mum. I think it helped a great deal with their grief by having so many people contacting them and offering comfort. I also believe that the young are using the medium for communication that they have grown up with rather than putting notices in the paper, after all how many young people look at a paper let alone the death notices, but social media, well it’s quick and reaches everyone who needs to know. I am quite happy with it.

Luckygirl3

I would not presume to judge those who have been bereaved on how they choose to deal with this. We all find our own different ways of coping.

You need to do two things:
- search in your heart for a shred of humanity
- ask for your post to be removed

Today is the second anniversary of my husband's death. I am dealing with it in my own way. I do not need you or anyone else passing judgement.

I'm sorry for your bereavement but, tbf, any one of us could have an anniversary of someone's passing at any time and Sashabe1 most probably didn't know of yours, and therefore did not set out to hurt you, so I think you are being unfair!

When my son died 16 years ago after suffering a congenital illness for years I wanted everyone who knew or had known him to know. We had to ring round. How much easier to put it on social media. The church was packed for his funeral which I found a great comfort, so please don’t criticise the bereaved who have to find the best means of coping after losing a loved one. We did not need help with funeral costs but if you do I don’t see what is wrong with asking. After all people often ask for contributions for a named charity instead of flowers so why not for the funeral itself if need be?

Someone I know has just done that very thing and I don’t condemn her at all. It’s a way of letting a lot of people know and in fact my son’s partner did this when her mother died a few years ago. I quite understand the Go-fund thing too. Funerals are expensive so why not set up an account? Too many people are quick to judge without knowing the full facts.

The first thing I did when my husband died a year ago was contact the DWP coz I didn't want them paying out money they didn't owe me and have to pay it back. On the other hand I did put it on FaceBook but only because it was a much quicker way of getting the information out to the people who mattered to me, my clubs and friends I wasn't seeing as much due to the lockdowns. Any close relatives got the normal telephone call. It sometimes help to get things off your chest. I would never contribute to a strangers funeral.

I found out a few years ago that if a child dies and the parents don't have any money there are organisations that help and in some cases they can get a basic funeral for free.

Facebook, or rather the people who took it on themselves to post about my daughters death, caused a,whole extra layer of anguish for me.

The worst of it was that she would have been horrified by it all.

I'm very sorry for your loss Budge. These past few months and especially Christmas must have been very tough for you. Gransnet is good company when times are hard isn't it. I'm glad to hear you have family around you and I'll be thinking of you now.

For me too eazybee and there weren’t many I needed to contact anyway. It was the deaths of my parents and I doubt anyone they knew was on FB!

Generally, the undertakers will arrange to place an announcement in the local or national press when the funeral is arranged; they did for me.

I’m a recent widow, 15 weeks ago, who still struggles. At the time, I wasn’t in the right headspace to make any formal announcements, I’ve no idea if other family members did. I only contacted a handful of people.

I am sorry that Sashabel has stirred up such a hornet's nest.
I had no idea this happened, because I do not use Facebook.
I make no comment about the crowdfunding.

What is difficult is being unable to discover details of the funeral as few families announce them in the press, and unless you are closely connected to the family or hear by word of mouth it is difficult to contact anyone who does know.
I dislike Facebook and do not wish to join and feel that as with so many things now, (online banking, mobile phones, social media) people are being coerced into using it.

Blossoming

Namsnanny Gransnet is a social media forum

Some people post news of a death on social media because it is a fast way of letting friends and family know. Sometimes the deceased was prominent in their community. There are many reasons for doing this. The GoFundMe appeals are usually created by friends.

We all have our own way of dealing with stuff.

Yes your right. What I should have written is
other than GN I'm not on any forums
I just thought it was self evident, my mistake

I suppose we're all different and, once immediate family and close friends have been informed social media is a quick way of letting everyone else know.

My only reservation would be someone being told of the death of a family member and then rushing to post it on FB before other family members or good friends have had the news broken to them.

By now FB must reflect the whole of society so it is not surprising that what is acceptable to one person is inexplicable to another. Luckygirl

DS wrote a beautiful FB post about his father’s death, I put something in The Times and the Yorkshire Post. Both elicited responses from people we would not have contacted directly but which gave us comfort. By and large it’s age related, I think.

for grannyactivist - I hope your mother died peacefully.

I must add that I myself posted here on GN not long after my dh had died.(I don't do fb)

The messages and support were of great comfort and I will always be grateful for those that helped me to somehow get through those horrendous days.

People do and say things (which may seem odd to others) when traumatised by grief.

Sincere condolences grannyactivist x

'Sashabel' my understanding of your post was exactly the same as 'Dibydob'. I'm sure you had no intention of upsetting anyone. I often feel a lot of people here do not properly read a post before responding

My mother died on Sunday evening. I’m one of seven siblings and on the way home from the hospital I phoned each of them, in age order, to inform them of her death. By the time I arrived back to where I’m staying my older brother had responded to a FB post from his nephew, then followed it with a post to say, “Your nana died tonight”. ?‍♀️

Fortunately my nephew didn’t see it until the next morning, after he’d been informed properly of the death by his mother, but my brother has a mild learning disability and has no idea that what he did was insensitive and inappropriate.

Everyone has their own way of doing things and at a time when people are grieving I’m happy for them to do what suits their own particular circumstances.