Am I being over sensitive ?

i don't believe in telling people how they make you feel, because that is giving them further ammunition to use against you.
don't discuss or justify any decisions you make; the subtext of that is that you have to have a good reason, and to try to convince her.
say as little as possible. avoid her as much as possible.
could say, not for us. you are entitled to your opinion, eg when claiming child's ability must come from her side of family.
don't engage with her. that's what she wants. she is not a reasonable person, don't try to reason with her.
good luck.

Don't let her get to you and don't put up with her behaviour either Fortunately I have a "wha dare medl wi me "persona so haven't had to put up with this because everyone knows I wouldn't!

Have you thought about spending rather less time with her?

Smileless2012

Hopefully, if the comments are ignored by the time the children are old enough to pick up on them, the OP's m.i.l. will have given up because she wasn't being reacted too.

That’s what happened with our children, well certainly the oldest two. It was game over after that.

So sorry she's constantly trying to tell you how to parent.

My late MIL was similar, and her ideas were about fifty years out of date. One evening, she very reluctantly agreed to babysit for a few hours whilst I went to the dentists. My son was about a fourteen months.

When I got back, my son was on the sofa in just a t shirt and his nappy, and so was what I thought were bits of white bread covered in sugar. As she was so old fashioned I didn't say anything, I just groaned internally.

The funniest thing was that it was actually bits of nappy - she hadn't checked it for hours, and it was disintegrating!

Hopefully, if the comments are ignored by the time the children are old enough to pick up on them, the OP's m.i.l. will have given up because she wasn't being reacted too.

Well, you have two options here, dear.

Either you pin a sweet smile on your face and let your MIL's comments about nappy cream and vests and such like go in one ear and out of the other, and only react to the big stuff, like interfering when the new pram was mentioned,

OR
You tell her you are sick to death of her interference and WILL SHE PLEASE MIND HER OWN BUSINESS!

This will relieve your feelings for a minute or two, but cause a full scale row between you and her and between you and your partner, who apparently sees it as no part of his duty to you to tell his mother to button her lip.

So, love, next time she annoys you, take this piece of advice. Say nothing until you have fastened the baby's nappy and put him back in his pram, then walk out of the room to where you keep your coat, muffle your head in it, and say the very rudest word you can think of.

That done, pin that sweet smile back on, and go back to MIL.
If she starts off on the same track again, smile and say, "Sorry, I haven't time to discuss it right now, I must get the dinner on, will you peel the potatoes for me, please?"

Or if it is nowhere near dinner time - "Just going to put a load of washing on. Could you start the ironing for me?"

That'll get her out of the house! With all those bairns I am sure you are never without washing or ironing, and even if you never iron anything there is no reason why MIL shouldn't do your ironing for you, is there?

I do agree that ignoring can be a good strategy in some scenarios but I think within family dynamics involving what happens with children it is not always the best way forward for the long term.

I hope you find a way that works for you justamom

I still think that ignoring and blanking her is the best response.

She is making these remarks because she knows they irritate you and that she gets a response. If you just blank her and ignore her remarks, you take the wind from her sails. What is the point of her making all these remarks if she doesn't get a response?

I have never had this problem with a parent or Parent-in-law, but I did use it on a senior manager who liked to deal in double-entendres when in the presence of women. He came into my department and started doing it to me in front of my staff and I just blanked him. He didn't stay long and didn't try to do it again. With no response the game lost its point.

Justamom

Thank you for all of your advice, it made me feel a lot better that perhaps I am seeing things for what the are. MIL has a very cleaver way of putting her little digs across, sometimes harshly but sometimes very back handedly. So when I do bring it up to my partner he says I’m over reacting because he doesn’t see what she’s said in a negative way. Whether she said it in a sarcastic way or a jokey way I don’t see how someone can get pleasure with constantly making rude remarks trying to put another person down! I have previously told her that I don’t like to talk about my weight especially when I’m pregnant she again said “ can’t say anything to you young ones these days” and still the comments continue.

can’t say anything to you young ones these days” and still the comments continue.

... she appears to have a problem with young people - hence the comment when you cooked breakfast for her and others.

I bet she calls young people 'snowflakes' too.

Do your best to ignore her and don't let her comments drag you down - she sounds like one of those older generation who who often start sentences with "in my day..." who believe that they were the fount of all wisdom and that young people should follow their way of doing things.

Your children, your rules.

Next time she says it, you could come back with ‘Too right! So don’t!’

Brilliant answer janeainsworth

She sounds like a miserable, insecure person. She may mean well with some of her childcare tips but she needs to understand her way is not the only way and she has to acknowledge & accept your parenting style. I try not to give advice re the GC unless specifically asked, tempting as it is at times.
Also, why is she snooping on your FB page and then has the cheek to tell you and make a comment about your weight on a photograph!? This comment brought a memory back for me. I had always been very slim but put on quite a lot of weight during my first pregnancy. I felt terrible and so I very quickly put myself on a strict calorie controlled diet, I worked really hard & lost the wait quickly plus quite a bit more besides. My mil had made a few subtle comments about my weight gain but when I had lost all the weight and was starting to feel good about myself she never said a word, never paid me a compliment or said well done etc. After a few months I put a couple of lbs back on but didn’t think anything of it. My mil was visiting one evening & I was climbing over the stair gate to take some washing upstairs, as I cocked my leg over it with my back to her she shouted out in front of everyone ‘are you putting weight back on!! I didn’t answer but just carried on upstairs, sat on our bed and cried. After she had gone I ended up falling out with my husband over her comment even though it wasn’t his fault. He was furious with her and told me not to take any notice. I was also quite sensitive at that time, especially about my weight and her comment really upset me and I never forgot it. She wasn’t too bad overall but had her moments.
Don’t let it get to you, she is the one in the wrong, I think it may be useful for your partner to have a word with her if this continues. I think it’s important for him to show her that his loyalties are with you, as much as he may love his mum you are the most important woman in his life now, she has to stop undermining you with these snide comments.

justamom she again said “ can’t say anything to you young ones these days”

That made me smile. Most of us old ones know that already, having possibly learned the hard way
Next time she says it, you could come back with ‘Too right! So don’t!’

I’d ask your partner to explain how her comments are funny, since he insists she’s joking.

Thank you for all of your advice, it made me feel a lot better that perhaps I am seeing things for what the are. MIL has a very cleaver way of putting her little digs across, sometimes harshly but sometimes very back handedly. So when I do bring it up to my partner he says I’m over reacting because he doesn’t see what she’s said in a negative way. Whether she said it in a sarcastic way or a jokey way I don’t see how someone can get pleasure with constantly making rude remarks trying to put another person down! I have previously told her that I don’t like to talk about my weight especially when I’m pregnant she again said “ can’t say anything to you young ones these days” and still the comments continue.

She does sound rather over bearing and also rude and unkind!

I think either ignore or change the subject or give very non committal replies like "I'll think about that" or "Ok" or "Maybe" .... Don't get drawn into pointless conversations trying to explain how you feel etc ...those are ripe for the good old chestnuts like "!Oh I didn't mean it" "You are being oversensitive" etc etc ...in other words openings for her to male you feel even more inadequate (unjustifiably!)

I also think your OH has got to stand with you on this, and be clear and consistent. You see the example you gave of him standing up to her as him being "very kind!" He is NOT doing you a favour, he is doing exactly what he should be doing ie. making it clear what you and he as co parents have decided!! And he needs to be doing that all the time, not telling you "she doesn't mean it!". If you do want to respond .... looking at your examples:

1. He (or you) should be saying "Please stop Mum. We have our own way of doing things and they work!" and walking away

2. Her comment re the board he (or you) should be saying "No we have decided to get a double buggy and will not be changing our mind" and walking away.

3. Her comment re giving him his own way , he or you need to be saying "I can't imagine why you think we do" and walking away!

4. No comment!

5. You reply was good but maybe first you could have said "Did you mean to be that rude?" and walking away

6. You (or your partner) "And your point is? Are you saying I have put on weight after having 2 children - in which case you are correct!" and walk away.

Good luck

Oh my goodness....this woman needs to be out of your life.....until your husband sorts it out properly, as he should. I don’t think she’s joking. It’s nothing to laugh at, and your husband needs to get to grips with this right now.

Tell your husband you and the children are not seeing her anymore until she stops being like this. She needs a firm lesson, and she needs it now. Don’t wait any longer.

We had 25 years back and forth with a difficult MIL, and she was a saint compared to how yours sounds! We finally estranged 20 years ago, when we were both 40.

Your family life is so precious. You won’t get this time back. If necessary....you can deal with your MIL in 20 years, when the children are grown.

Where is your FIL, can’t he reign her in?

Good luck.

Ohh heck, she sounds a nightmare.
Has your partner said to you she irritates him? I mean he has had many more years of her than you have, she sounds jealous to me, has she anymore children or is your partner an only child?

I cant for the life in me see the justification in a MIL belittling her DIL for absolutely no reason and knowing her needless comments HURT !!!! Just plain nasty.

I certainly wouldn't stand for it, i too am very sensitive but i am also someone who rolls her sleeves up and takes noooooo nonsense.

So make sure your partner agrees with you, get those sleeve rolled up and get the nasty woman that you are the mother and if she has nothing pleasant to say to you then button it.

You are doing your lèvel best and in return you are being ridiculed.

I dont know if you drink wine but here's a glass, i think you deserve it.

I don't think you're being over-sensitive - she sounds very over-bearing. I consider myself lucky - I got on better with my MiL than my own mother, and she never interfered. When my grandson was born, I always told my DiL that I would never tell her how to do things - if she asked for my advice, I would happily offer her some suggestions, but I wouldn't be offended if she didn't take that advice or follow those suggestions. In this situation, I would do as others have suggested and just try to ignore her (even though that may not be easy at times!)

I'm stunned that MILs and grandparents think it's OK to interfere with the way their offspring bring up their children. Unless you're doing something obviously dangerous, they should just butt out.

There were times when I thought my DIL and son should have done things 'differently' - but only in my head. I would never have actually told them.

Each generation has their own way of raising children - and of living their lives. TBH, unless, as I said you can see an obvious danger in what a parent is, perhaps unwittingly, doing, it's none of our business.

My own mother only ever gave me such 'advice' when I asked for it, and I've followed her principle.

If that was my MIL, I would simply point out - politely of course, that she had her way of doing things and that I have mine, and will do what I think is best for my children. You know your children better than anyone else.

As for the cooking thing, that was just plain rude of her. She sounds like a nightmare of a MIL and needs putting in her place, a tad.

No, you are not being over sensitive Justamom and I think that M0nica's advice is spot on. Ignore her, don't even bother with a response. Any response will let her know that what she says bothers you, so don't give her one.

I really feel for you! It’s a long time ago now but my MIL was similar. She couldn’t keep her thoughts to herself and thought she had a right to say anything she liked to me. DH told me to ignore her. He wouldn’t challenge her because she “had a hard life.” This was true but hard to tolerate. I tried to see her good points such as her generosity. She never visited without bringing flowers or cakes and truly loved all her family. The in laws were never good enough though. Shortly before she died she thanked me for being a good wife and mother so we parted on good terms. I advise you to to accept her for what she is and refuse to allow her to upset you. Your own stress levels will hopefully reduce.

You appear to have 2 problems: you have an interfering mother in law and an OH who doesn't back you up and minimises the behaviour of his mother. The first problem can be solved by ignoring her unsolicited advice and just carrying on with raising your children in your own way. Only you know the answer to the 2nd problem.

You have a problem, no doubt, but it does seem that your partner realises his mother is a pain in the proverbial and that is a long way to coping with a MiL like this.

My mother was always excellent with things like this, she either completely ignored the remarks and continued as if nothing had been said, made a vague mmmm noise or, if all else failed, responded by starting a conversation on a different subject that started with a question to the person. 'Have you seen what they are doing to the house down the road?'

You could try them, though whether they will work in a situation like this I am not sure.

I would have laughed and said “And I’ve seen pictures of you when you were young and pretty. But at least when this baby’s born I’ll be skinny again”. ?

My ex-MIL was a shocker, but I learned to give back as good as I got.

When she gave out unwanted advice (commands) I would laugh and say, “Yes well you have a baby, you can do that” as if everything she said was funny.

Funnily enough, when she became my ex we got on quite well and stayed in touch.