Funeral party gatecrashers

Craicon

GrammyGrammy

This post and the comments make me so sad. He lived a long life and there are people in his family and life that you don't know of. This is his siblings child and yet you haven't included them fully and want to exclude his other relatives who want to be there. These things should not be 'invitation only'. It is not about you or about exclusivity but about the deceased and the inclusion of all who knew them and wish to pay respects and be a part of his story for a final time. Her saying "make sandwiches" is another way to say- the posh meal is unimportant- including all family who wish to be there, is important. This is the first generation who see a death as all about them. It is not. It's about others too. Wider family matters less to people nowadays than ever before but that does not make it right or less hurtful to treat a niece and her son in this dismissive manner. I seem to be the only poster here who thinks you are completely out of order. Include his family and friends and don't exclude people. It is not just about you. Sorry for your loss, I truly am- but open you heart to others who shouldn't have to justify how close they were to him, to you! This behaviour is very cruel of you.

Cruel?? Did you actually read the OP or just the comments and then decide to put your unwanted boot in?

It’s not a flipping Funeral! That has clearly already happened. ??‍♀️

This is about the scattering of the father’s ashes which traditionally is only ever attended by the immediate close family, unless you’re about to tell us that everyone and his dog should be invited to watch the spectacle?

OP, please hold firm and uninvite the niece. You owe her nothing. She clearly wasn’t particularly close to your father if you’ve never met her after all these years and scattering his ashes is something that is personal and you should do with only those people closest to you, not necessarily your dad.

thank you Craicon for your response to that post, I have never been cruel to anyone in my life and am hurt that someone thinks I am. If I was then I surely wouldn't be asking for advice.

While the funeral service itself is usually considered open to all, any subsequent reception or ash scattering etc is usually invitation only. They'll hate you for it of course but you are perfectly within normal rights to say no.

what a brilliant article!

GrammyGrammy

This post and the comments make me so sad. He lived a long life and there are people in his family and life that you don't know of. This is his siblings child and yet you haven't included them fully and want to exclude his other relatives who want to be there. These things should not be 'invitation only'. It is not about you or about exclusivity but about the deceased and the inclusion of all who knew them and wish to pay respects and be a part of his story for a final time. Her saying "make sandwiches" is another way to say- the posh meal is unimportant- including all family who wish to be there, is important. This is the first generation who see a death as all about them. It is not. It's about others too. Wider family matters less to people nowadays than ever before but that does not make it right or less hurtful to treat a niece and her son in this dismissive manner. I seem to be the only poster here who thinks you are completely out of order. Include his family and friends and don't exclude people. It is not just about you. Sorry for your loss, I truly am- but open you heart to others who shouldn't have to justify how close they were to him, to you! This behaviour is very cruel of you.

Cruel?? Did you actually read the OP or just the comments and then decide to put your unwanted boot in?

It’s not a flipping Funeral! That has clearly already happened. ??‍♀️

This is about the scattering of the father’s ashes which traditionally is only ever attended by the immediate close family, unless you’re about to tell us that everyone and his dog should be invited to watch the spectacle?

OP, please hold firm and uninvite the niece. You owe her nothing. She clearly wasn’t particularly close to your father if you’ve never met her after all these years and scattering his ashes is something that is personal and you should do with only those people closest to you, not necessarily your dad.

OR......tell her that no more can be added to food list and she can bring her own butties! OR ......you can simply say "NO"!

Not putting too fine a point on it ,tell her to sling her hook! He's your pa and you call the shots!! Cheek! If she's so bent on attending tell her it's on the day after , then she can visit him in terra!

100% agree with * GrammyGrammy*. Funerals became invitation-only during lockdown and it’s time to let that go. A friend left comments cards on seats at her father’s funeral and said she had never heard many of the stories about her father written on those cards, she was so pleased. Many people must have enriched your father’s life, and vice versa, who had nothing to do with you, it would be kind to welcome them. The niece is right- it’s not the slap up meal that’s important, it’s the shared memories of your father. Also it might be that they have health issues, as they are not young, so DS has offered to accompany them. In this case they probably need a friendly face with them as well.
That said, I am really sorry for the loss of your father.

My sons wake was held in a pub which was he’s local. We had quite a number of people come from my sons cricket team! Friends he grew up with, family a few cousins. it was a memorable day and family still talk about it.

@Grannynannywanny
That was really sweet of them. An Irish friend of mine said that in the small close knit community her parents lived in, people Wouid listen to the local radio for announcements of wakes and rock up often not have ever even met the deceased.
She said the funeral home where her father was laid to rest was attached to the pub and although they hired the room in the pub there were several free loaders just in it for the buffet.
So least you were given an invite lol ?

Omg what a cheek! You’d imagine she’d realise that you’ve lost your father and how you want to honour his life and who with us entirely up to you! It’s not about what she wants !
I’d get an assertive family member to deal with this situation for you and put her straight. You shouldn’t have to deal with any selfish drama after losing your Dad.
My deepest sympathies X

So sorry for your loss.
What a cheek! Like others have suggested tell her the plans have changed and she can come to the graveside with her own sandwiches.

Uninvite and say the dates changed. You’ll will most likely never see her again anyway so no matter.

Stick to your guns after all it's very unlikely you will ever see her again

This post and the comments make me so sad. He lived a long life and there are people in his family and life that you don't know of.

I agree. That’s why I asked the OP whether her dad would have wanted the niece there and whether he was close to her, GrammyGrammy.

Because of big age gaps in my family, my parents would certainly have had nieces and nephews born long before my time that they may well have been close to. I would have been touched if they’d been around and wanted to pay their respects. Whether I had met them or not is immaterial.

I am actually gobsmacked that an advertisement on gransnet.com for a medical body bag is placed on a forum concerning a funeral. Talk about rubbing it in!

I agree with Yammy - say you've had a rethink, and it's close family only - that means close to you - people you've actually met. Wonder why you invited her in the first place?

JannaBell,
It was so nice of you to invite them, how dare they put the onus on you to alter your arrangements or to be made to feel bad if you don't. Nope, sorry, you stick to your guns, that 'Celebration' of your Dad's life should be for YOU and his Grandchildren, not people who had seen him once. Say you're sorry, it was only his immediate family and numbers have been strictly booked. If they don't want to come, that's their problem not yours.

Stick to your guns .
Don't give in to this type of blackmail /guilt trip .
You are paying for it .
It's not a freebie for hangers on .

And even if she says that she's not coming and you are off the Christmas card list .
Say that's fine with me !
Thank you for showing your true colours !!!

We had a very expensive wake a few years ago with unlimited drinks at the bar .

I was sickened by the ruthless greed of some so called friends .They'd just come to drink as much as possible .One of them phoned to ask if my father was still alive as they didn't know whether to send cards anymore .

Last year ,they sent an old card which had the original sender's name crudely cut off .
They always were mean and scheming .

Spinnaker

As all above - stand your ground. I would also give a named list of those invited to the meal and request the restaurant to tick off as they arrive. Anyone not on the list to be refused to join the funeral gathering which then takes it out of your hands.
Sorry for your loss

I heartily agree with Spnnaker.

You most certainly did not need this kind of rudeness right now.

So sorry for your loss.

please stand firm - you will regret it otherwise

What a cheek! They are just scrounging a free meal. I know someone who goes to any funerals, just for the funeral tea. She will gatecrash any funeral. She checks upcoming ones on line. She goes up to the grieving next of kin and talks in glowing terms about the deceased , claiming to be an old friend. (I was at the funeral of a friend when she turned up and did this.)She also scours the houses for sale and books visits to properties, just to look at them.This family sound like a set of scroungers too.

That’s a lovely story grannynannywanny and reflects many of my own wonderful experiences of Irish friendliness and hospitality.
I do feel that it would be kinder to include those who would like to pay their respects to your father Jannabell, try to let go of your feeling of anger and be the bigger person.

I inadvertently gate crashed a funeral meal a few years ago in Ireland. We were travelling in a family group of 4 in a very remote part of county Kerry. My Dad needed a toilet and we pulled over at a very small pub in the middle of nowhere which didn’t have a single customer. We ordered a drink and 10 mins later a group of about 30 mourners piled in and filled the tiny pub. We lifted our coats to apologise and head off but they wouldn’t hear of it. The elderly man whose wife had just been buried was adamant he’d like us to stay. He said there was a big pot of Irish stew about to be served and more than enough to go round. We had a lovely couple of hours chatting to total strangers.

This post and the comments make me so sad. He lived a long life and there are people in his family and life that you don't know of. This is his siblings child and yet you haven't included them fully and want to exclude his other relatives who want to be there. These things should not be 'invitation only'. It is not about you or about exclusivity but about the deceased and the inclusion of all who knew them and wish to pay respects and be a part of his story for a final time. Her saying "make sandwiches" is another way to say- the posh meal is unimportant- including all family who wish to be there, is important. This is the first generation who see a death as all about them. It is not. It's about others too. Wider family matters less to people nowadays than ever before but that does not make it right or less hurtful to treat a niece and her son in this dismissive manner. I seem to be the only poster here who thinks you are completely out of order. Include his family and friends and don't exclude people. It is not just about you. Sorry for your loss, I truly am- but open you heart to others who shouldn't have to justify how close they were to him, to you! This behaviour is very cruel of you.

What an insensitive madam at such a sad time for you. You tell her the arrangements are all sorted, you are not changing them for anyone and she doesn't have to go if she's not happy.