Funeral party gatecrashers

Uninvite the niece. She's very cheeky and, under the circumstances, very insensitive.

We had similar problem. Hired a private dining room for sit down meal. Limited numbers but had others asking could they bring others. Explained not possible. I would hazard a guess your niece may want her son to attend if perhaps he’s driving her to the venue. Don’t be told what to do. People can be so rude.

My mother had neighbours who would go to every possible funeral and eat lots of food. She used to moan to me about them.
When my mum died, because of family travelling, we had a meal before the funeral. They turned up at the funeral (hopefully starving) only to learn that they had missed the meal.
I got back into the funeral car smiling because my mum would have loved that!

Some people really beggar belief. I work for a charity, one of our service users that I had been helping died. I quietly went along to his funeral to pay my respects, sat at the back and quietly slipped away when the service was over. I liked him and was really sorry that he died at a relatively young age, but I didn’t want to advertise that we had been helping him to maintain his privacy. I had an answer ready in my head just in case anyone asked about the connection, but was a bag of nerves through the service. How people have the sheer brass neck to attend the wakes of strangers is beyond me.

Funeral gatecrashing is definitely a thing. At my husband's wake almost 5 years ago there were several people I didn't recognise who were "filling their boots" at the free bar and buffet!! A few of my ex-colleagues who I hadn't seen for years, someone who apparently went to school with my husband, who I didn't know from Adam, and worst of all my son's ex wife and her parents, renowned for being as tight as they come showed up and freeloaded all afternoon and evening. I just don't know how people dare! My advice is to stick to your arrangements and to hell with what they think.

I’m sorry for your loss, but omg how disrespectful she is, like you not going through either as it is. I would just send message and say I’m sorry but I would prefer it if you didn’t come full stop as you are not listening to me and I don’t need added pressure at min. Or say change of plan it’s just going to be our children and grandkids only.

I would just say that sorry it’s by invitation only and therefore you will not be paying for her and her husband now nor anybody else that decides to invite themselves.
If they feel strongly they can organise something themselves afterwards

Please Please stand your ground, bloody fecking cheek she`s got!

I read an article once about a woman who checked the obituaries in the local paper each week. Turned up at the funerals of strangers, went to the `do` afterwards to make herself up a doggie bag and then would clear off on her bicycle.

Sorry, but I find it just a little bit weird that this woman apparently related to you via your father, that to the best of your knowledge , rarely, if ever bothered to spend time with your dad, decides that she must be allowed to dictate who you should be allowed to invite to an occasion that will already difficult for you.
You will no doubt be reminiscing about your dad at the meal after, along with talking about family things that she will have no idea about!
I would be tempted to ask her straight out just why she thinks that she wants to be there anyway?
She already knows that you are paying for the meal, how about saying that unfortunately, things have changed and all of your guests will be paying for their own meals and see what her reaction is.
If she gets shirty again, just say that because of her attitude, that you find really upsetting after the recent loss of your much loved dad, and that you would rather she wasn't present at all.

How rude and insensitive of the niece to demand her son comes to the restaurant too!
Bereavement is difficult enough without the added stress of freeloaders who in this case clearly just want to fill their faces.
I would uninvite the niece and make it clear to the restaurant exactly who is on the guest list.
Stay strong.

Scavengers!

What a cheek, I would actually uninvite her and her husband as they are strangers to you anyway and it’s a celebration of your Father and you do not need the stress

Who does this git think she is? Well, I'm half tempted to tell you to actually make sandwiches... for her and the gatecrashers. This is an event you are organising, so you get to say who comes and who does not. So, if push comes to shove, call her again and blame ME - tell her I said they can join you for coffee after, but not for the meal. If she gives you lip, well, then, tell her she may as well not come.

I would contact the niece, (who couldn’t have been that close to your Father otherwise you would have met her), and tell her in the same manner that she spoke to you that she is not to attend and if she does show up, show her the door.

Oh my goodness Jannabell what a rude person to tell you to make sandwiches instead of providing the sit down meal you had decided on. Tell this woman that her son and wife are NOT invited and you will be continuing with your original plans. I should think you wish you’d never invited her as well.

paddyanne it is the same where I live in central Scotland. When dad died, it worried us as we weren't sure how many would turn up to the restaurant and if there would be enough food laid on. In the end, there were about 100 people. The family split up and we went round the tables thanking everyone for coming and heard lots of nice stories. My son, who was in his early twenties, did a lovely speech about his grandpa and we toasted his memory.
Mum has said that she wants buried not cremated and doesn't want anyone at her funeral nor a meal afterwards in her name. She's fallen out with most of her friends and family and doesn't want them getting a free feed at her expense ?. So I expect the immediate family will do what OP is doing and have a close family get together minus cousins etc

Here its normal for the minister to tell everyone at the service that the family will be going to X hotel after the crem/burial and anyone who wants to join them will be welcomed .We ended up with over 70 after my Dads and lots of folk who had worked with him for decades told us great stories about him that we hadn't heard .I didn't know it was a thing to have another meal after scattering ashes.....might need to rethink when we scatter my late MIL's ,is it invitation only?

In the village where I used to live one couple were well known for turning up to every funeral and staying at the gathering afterwards till every bit of food and (free) drink had been consumed. Mostly they were just a bit of a joke.

I did feel a bit put out though when people left the pub and they followed me and the close family back to my house. I said it was really just family but they said they’d stay till the end of the “party”.

To be fair they stopped off at the village shop and brought some crisps?

I If the pub was still open to the public then you cant prevent uninvited people from coming in for a drink or expect them to get up and leave because a funeral party arrive. It would be different if you had hired the entire place or one of the bars as a private room^

I thought it was obvious that
1) I know you can’t. It’s a small village pub
2) they were still made to feel welcome. and
3) perhaps their own sense of tact or sensitivity might have been the guiding factor

Was it so unclear?

biglouis

*Honestly if you were in a pub and a load of people in black all came in together, wouldn’t you make yourself scarce? Not them, they stayed and D2’s MIL (who had early onset Alzheimer’s) chatted away to them as she didn’t know who anybody was anyway*

If the pub was still open to the public then you cant prevent uninvited people from coming in for a drink or expect them to get up and leave because a funeral party arrive. It would be different if you had hired the entire place or one of the bars as a private room.

I read I that the people already at the restaurant were eating the food provided for the wake but didn't even know whose funeral it was - they just happened to turn up for free meal!

Honestly if you were in a pub and a load of people in black all came in together, wouldn’t you make yourself scarce? Not them, they stayed and D2’s MIL (who had early onset Alzheimer’s) chatted away to them as she didn’t know who anybody was anyway

If the pub was still open to the public then you cant prevent uninvited people from coming in for a drink or expect them to get up and leave because a funeral party arrive. It would be different if you had hired the entire place or one of the bars as a private room.

She does not get to demand, uninvite her. She is crass and rude. Disgraceful manners and very entitled.

thank you all so much for your amazing support and kindness. I felt I had to ask her as she is his only contemporary relative left (he died at nearly 100, outliving all his siblings). I definitely won't allow her son and wife to come, and may even be brave enough to change the date so that she can't come either (she had phoned me originally to check it wasn't when she was going on holiday). I do like to be nice to people but I have had sleepless nights about this so you all have convinced me to stand firm. Thank you again

I agree with everyone, it is a very delicate situation not a party - more the merrier.

If i were in your place, i would firmly stick to my guns, no way would i be told that someone was coming who had only met my mum once, absolutely no way and if this niece - who you have never clapped eyes on - insists, tell her you have decided and thats that. Well, maybe not as stern as that, but i would certainly make it known that your plans have been made.

Awkward it may be BUT it isnt as if you're in regular contact with her.

I hope all works out for you, you shouldn't have all this anguish to contend with.

I would uninvite her and suggest that she makes some sandwiches instead.