How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

GSM it’s your kind of feedback that keeps the family court team functioning positively.

Thanks Iam. I must confess I felt I had really failed my son having to take him to the court social worker as his father was insisting on contact. I will always remember walking to the social worker’s office, holding my son‘s hand. I needn’t have worried. He was such a kind man and the result couldn’t have been better. It’s testimony to how good he was that my son has no memory at all of the appointment. I will always be grateful to that man.

FridayIsComing
What are you going to do when he dictates:
What you wear.
Where you go.
Who you talk to.
Alienates your family and friends.
Forbids you to go to work.
You might be shaking your head at the above but believe me, there’s more chance of it happening than not.

GillT57

Germanshepherdsmum

What a waste of a life ExDancer.

I agree. Ironically, if I was the OP, the post by ExDancer detailing the minutiae of 63 years of a wasted life would be my reason for leaving my husband

Both these short posts make big points.

GSM thanks for the post on this thread and on similar where you were open about what must have been a difficult time in your life. To read your positive comments about Cafcass/family court advisors/children’s guardians must give support .

Doodledog

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

Yes, I did see this. My point is...I don’t believe there is a way she can stay with him, and make the best of it.

Sometimes, the only answer is perhaps the one you don’t want to hear. None of this is fair on the child.

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

I haven’t read any other posts...but this is not going to end well if you stay. You shouldn’t have to put up with a bad marriage. It should be about love and respect. There doesn’t sound like there is any here.

Take your little girl, while she is too young to remember anything.....and go. You have all the rights as a mother, as we’re just finding out with our son.

Don’t waste another minute on this man. All the best.

ExDancer what you've detailed is how you managed your life over 63 years - what you didn't say was that you found happiness throughout this time, not day to day minutiae but happiness.

The OP asked how to find happiness within her marriage - most of us seem to think that's not possible.

I feel so sorry for you, but please, please take a long term view. If your child is only 2, you sound quite young, with many years of life ahead of you. "Walking on eggshells" is no way to live a happy life. Your anxiety levels will always be raised, and you won't ever feel fully relaxed. Don't cage yourself with this man if you can't be comfortable with him on a daily basis. Seek advice and find a way to leave this relationship. You and your daughter deserve a better life.

You are wasting your life OP

Germanshepherdsmum

What a waste of a life ExDancer.

I agree. Ironically, if I was the OP, the post by ExDancer detailing the minutiae of 63 years of a wasted life would be my reason for leaving my husband

What a waste of a life ExDancer.

I left an abusive marriage ( this is what you are in!) when my children were adults and independent but I so wish I had left when they were children. He made me think I would never manage without him. I did and was so much happier .

Divorce was stressful but I got a restraining order against him as he became violent as well as controlling and that was when I left. My children still love me and we have a good relationship but I was lucky this happened as they are scarred and they remember many things I hoped they wouldn’t.

Don’t do this to your daughter she deserves better ( as do you) don’t stay, leave and protect her.

Wow!
What don't you understand about her having decided to stay?
He's very insecure.
I have stayed in a similar situation for 63 years, but recently things have mellowed and we've finally found contentment.
I 'divorced' him in my mind, but stayed with him as his employee. I regarded myself as his live-in housekeeper/nanny. I treated him as my employer and set myself a timetable of working for him (you will need to filter in your working hours at your job). I also imagined what I would earn from him, less board and lodging, and jotted it down - it kept me amused for months until I got bored with it.
Don't bother with day to day chat about your daughter, don't ask him about his day, you don't need to be nice to him - he obviously thinks he fine as he is, who knows?
If he puts you down in company, look at another female and roll your eyes.
He's not going to change, but its time those egg shells were swept away and you started pleasing yourself, not him -- and this can be done within a marriage as well as out of it. You don't need a divorce to live apart.
No one's mentioned your sleeping or sexual relationship, only you know how important that is to you, but be careful you don't set yourself up for rejection in this area by being needy.
Things like the 'sweety' incident are hard to ignore I'd try to deal with again as though he was your employer, your not very friendly employer, tell her with a smile - "say thank you to Daddy" but later remind her to "pop upstairs and clean your teeth when you've finished". No accusing looks.
It takes years and its not a miracle cure, but it was my way of keeping my self esteem - and I grew to know I was a better person than him.

Thanks Gill.

Fair point GSM.

Don’t blame OP for having had a child. I did that 15 years into an abusive marriage. I wanted a child and knew the clock was ticking. The marriage survived a further seven years. By then divorce didn’t have the stigma it did in the earlier years of my marriage. I will have my precious child forever.

Sorry, but I have to ask the question that nobody else will; why on earth did you think it was a good idea to have a child with this man?

The replies on here are unanimous, you must prepare to leave for the sake of your child, and your own mental health, there are no merits, no benefits at all to staying where you are unhappy, take control, get planning and get a new life. Nobody on here is going to tell you how to navigate an abusive marriage. Please leave him

Did you think having a child would make things better? Surely if things are that bad the child is going to pick up on it, maybe not now but as she grows up it will be teaching her that a bad marriage is better than none at all.

I think that anything you do to try to cope with this awful situation will be spotted by your husband and squashed so that you stay the meek wife and Mother.
He doesn’t want you to be upbeat in spite of him, he wants you as you are now, obedient.
So very sad, but you are the only one that can change this for you and your child and if you have another child the situation will become far worse.

Many people stay in difficult marriages for various reasons but I bet none has ever found happiness in themselves during that time.

You can learn to rub along, put up with each other, grit your teeth, play the game, bide your time, etc - it's what I did for 25 years.

But you will not find happiness for you and your daughter - it's simply not possible.

DaisyAnne - that is so true - we always regret the things that we don’t do.

My 2 adult children from my abusive marriage are now estranged from me so I feel that I put up with all of that rubbish for nothing. I should have left when they were small and unable to remember the years of misery.

FridayIsComing, you have made up your mind to stay because of how you expect splitting would affect your relationship with your child. You will not be the first to do that. It was quite common, in the past, for people to say you should stay for the sake of the children.

However, at some point, your daughter will be older and able to decide for herself how much she sees of each of you and eventually she will leave. May I suggest that you work towards when you will be able to live apart from your husband and still have the relationship with your daughter that she wants with each of you?

My advice is that you start working towards the day you are independent of your husband. Working will mean working as hard as you can, outside the home, to become financially independent. Doing this may change your perspective. It may make you feel you want to be out of the relationship quicker or that you have managed to balance it.

I wish you well. Remember, we generally do not regret the things we do, only the things we don't do.

How many times have we heard people say they wish their parents hadn’t stayed together ‘for the sake of the children’, they wish they had divorced?

All great answers here for you to read but I bet you still stay with him. Think about the pattern that you are setting for your child. My first husband was very abusive after we got married and it turned physical until I ended up at 6.5 stone - a mental and physical wreck. When I left he would cry and I would go back only to be thrown around the house like a rag doll. Please get out now while your child is small they wont thank you for staying if you leave when they get older. You have a life and stop wasting anymore of it. If you go to a solicitor now and ask for advice you will get some idea of what is to come. I did that and it really helped. Who says that he will get 50/50 of the time with your child? As others have said, put together a diary. Go to the doctors and have it recorded. Tell others so that you have back up and witnesses. Gather your information and strength and I wish you well but please do not stay with this abusive pig.