How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

you say married for number of years and have a '2 yr old daughter' is that your only child?..

FridayIsComng I am so so sorry for your situation as I am living through similar right now; but not for much longer.
I have 2 words of advice for you and they are leave him
If your descriptions of life with him are a truthful portrayal, then there is nothing else you could possibly do that will improve your life and that of your little daughter.
It is almost guaranteed that you will have a one hundred percent better life without him.

@lemsip yes my dd is our only child.

@ Granmarderby10 i have weighed up leaving and staying with him and i have decided to stay. I spent a good 36 months in limbo. But once i decided to stay things became clearer for me, my focus is to make my life happy for myself and to be strong to get past the days of arguing and silent treatment.

I respect your choice to stay, but would point out that this is not a good way for your daughter to learn about relationships.

My husband is not at all like this, luckily, but I do have experience of being around someone who sounds depressingly similar, and I agree with Granmarderby that he won't change - it sounds like a personality disorder (and no, I'm not a psychologist, before anyone asks - it's purely a lay person's opinion?).

Regarding tactics - have you tried pretending you haven't noticed that he is being silent, and behaving as normally as possible? Or smiling at the put-downs, and replying on the lines of 'Oh, is that what you think? I think it suits me.' or whatever, then rinse and repeat. Difficult, I know, but if you are already seeing yourself as no longer part of a couple, you might persuade yourself that his opinion is not your concern.

As you have your own income, I would definitely advise you to squirrel away some funds of your own, so that if you change your mind and decide to leave you have a deposit and at least a couple of month's rent to tide you over until the joint finances are sorted out.

Good luck, and whatever you do, don't let his put-downs dent your confidence. Maybe keep a diary, if you can do so without his finding it, and record what he says and what led up to it. That way, you can look back on it if you get upset, and remind yourself that the last time he said X, it followed a similar circumstance - not so that you can tiptoe around him better, but so that you can see that he is being unreasonable, not that you are whatever he says you are.

You can't with someone like that, unless he gets help for himself.

He will either just try harder, find different ways to push your buttons or you will lose yourself pleasing him.

All the while, your little girl learning all sorts of awful lessons about how people who say they love us are allowed to treat us .

Please love yourself and your daughter enough to find a better life

I lived walking on egg shells for years to a coercive and controlling man. My first real boyfriend who I married thinking a good life was ahead how naive I was. He lived a double life and ended up abusive to me and not interested in our children. I had made excuses for him until then but realised it was no life for my children let alone me.

Its not easy to go it alone with little children and it most certainly wasn't at the time. I wanted a happy childhood for them and peace of mind for me.

Walking on egg shells because of a controlling member of a family is not healthy. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage and convince yourself it will be ok. If you agree with him he is great and supportive in other ways. Until as you know he will change and the nice mood will disappear. This is exactly how these people behave and it is not normal.

Your DH has already worn you down and you are walking on eggshells.

Sorry, but I couldn’t live like that. You will never be happy living with this dreadful man. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? More importantly, think how this must be affecting your DD already, living in such a horrible atmosphere which will only get worse.

You and her deserve so much better but only you can make a better life for both of you, something that will never happen though if you stay in an abusive marriage.

You cannot make yourself happy in this situation. Believe me, you are throwing your life away and we only get one life. You deserve better. Why put up with this? You owe it to yourself and your child. They are only 2 years old now but once they get older they will pick up on all of this. Do you want them to grow up and think that this is the norm? Please reconsider and get away and start afresh with your child. You are putting up with abuse and who has the right to do that to you? I know as I put up with it for longer than I should have. Please leave.

Thank you all for your responses. I have read and thought about them and will continue to do so.
In terms of leaving my husband, i decided after much back and forth in my mind that just because i leave him, does not mean i am free of him. He will fight for minimum of 50/50 custody, why should i miss out on 50% of my childs life, because of him? Also, he will move on and treat his next girlfriend or wife the same way. My daughter will watch and learn and worst part is i wont be there to shield and protect her. At least now, i am careful how and when i push back and stand up for myself. His future wife wont care if my daughter is present when they argue.
I do sometimes daydream what it must be to be in a well rounded relationship. Sometimes i wonder if i am mkn a mistake and go down the path of “life is short”. Just because u leave the marriage, doesnt mean u leave the toxic man. In fact, very often divorce makes it worse.
@ Redhead56 thank you for your suggestions. The diary sounds good.

Friday, you are living with a controller. For these types seeking and retaining control is as natural as breathing. They simply do not ‘do’ partnerships. As long as you do as you’re told everything’s fine, question or disobey and you’ve seen what happens. I sincerely wish you well in your situation, but that old saying, I feel is appropriate here……If nothing changes, nothing changes’.

I'm afraid all the ways to empower you and have you happy could have him discard you for not meeting his needs, which would leave you in the same situation. Explaining your fears in court could lead to him getting less time with you daughter

To be honest the situation you are living in is abuse. I know you have decided to stay,but do you really want your daughter to witness all this and for her to think this is a 'normal' way that men treat women? You could always phone Women's Aid for advice, they will have dealt with thousands of cases like yours. I'd speak to them and seek advice from a solicitor. This is my only advice as I could not and would not live in that situation. For the sake of your daughter, get out and take her with you. Life is too short.

The fact the counsellor challenged his behaviour speaks volumes, as does the fact you never returned, which I bet would have been his decision.

Fridayiscoming you have clearly thought carefully about your reasons for staying, factoring in a perspective about the best way to protect your daughter. But your daughter will grow older and as she does she will become increasingly vulnerable to the behaviours that you are subjected to, during her formative years

Please please get in touch with Womens Aid, take some time to find out all your options ...and don't assume everything will be in your husbands favour.

Hi I am assuming that your husband has never been physically violent to you, although I believe that what you describe is just as harmful. I would urge you to think longer term and consider leaving. In the meantime there is no reason why you shouldn't continue a form of supportive counselling yourself and seek to engage with other women experiencing the same. This would let you see that the person does not change their behaviour (why would they as it works for them in a dysfunctional way). Don't engage with his behaviour unless absolutely necessary. You need support to maintain your sense that its not you causing it which can be very difficult at times.
Make a parallel life for yourself - activities outside the home with your daughter when you can. Make friends with other mums. Spend time with family etc
I could not tell from your original post how long it had been going on or what your family's view is - don't leave it to long. Take care.

If you can't leave for you, think about your daughter. She will soon be saying "no" and that will have terrible consequences.

If your daughter learns that saying "no" isn't an option, you aren't really protecting her I'm afraid.

As others have said, the way you are living is not good for you but certainly no better for your little one... And if you stay, what happens when she is a teenager? Does she get into terrible damaging fights? Does she learn to accept abuse? Does she learn you just say "yes"? Who knows.

Please reconsider.
You are strong. You have survived this awful marriage. You can do more than you think and become the role model you would like to be. My heart goes out to you.

Meanwhile YES, keep a diary if you can keep it secret.
If you change your mind, one day this will become proof if needed.

What does your family say about this man?

He is treating you like a “non person.” His behaviour is controlling and abusive. It’s disrespectful in every way.
His behaviour would be classed as unreasonable for divorce papers.
In your shoes I’d do as others suggest:
See a solicitor just for a legal perspective. You don’t need to take it further.
Start building up £ funds of your own.
Keep a journal but keep it factual. Date each entry. Write what happened & then most importantly, how it made you feel.
At the end of the day, as your daughter grows & becomes more independent I think you will feel stronger & will reach breaking point. It’s then that the advice given here will resonate & you’ll take action.
You only have one life so make a contingency plan and tuck it up your sleeve.
What troubles me in situations like you describe is that these bullying men get older, they get sick & then expect their long suffering door mat wives to nurse them. Stuff that for a game of monkeys! Been there, got the tee shirt.

OP - you are teaching your daughter that it's ok to continue to live with someone who is abusive - and his behaviour is` abuse.

What happens when, at some point, she challenges him? She will, because all children do. Will she end up ignored or shouted at?

I would start making plans to leave - for your sake and your daughter's. Sooner or later, she will pick up on the dynamics of your relationship, and think it's normal for a woman to put up with this behaviour, which won't bode well for her adult relationships.

He might not get 50% of access, and although they threaten it, many men don't even want it after a marriage break up.

If he gets another woman and does the same things to her, the one thing your daughter will eventually realise is that her Mum was the strong one, who walked away.

So, although it's not easy, I would start making plans to go - talk to Women's Aid, talk to family, if you can, or any real life support.

You both will have a much better life without him.

Good luck.

In this case you have to look after yourself first and your child second. If you leave you will then be free of him and then be in a better headspace, which will then help you to take better care of your child.

Only by looking after yourself first will you help your child. I’ve been there.

Your original title is how can you find happiness in yourself within a turbulent marriage, the answer, my dear is you can’t believe me, I have been there, add the fact I loved the man dearly and had three children, but it was destroying me, them and everything around It took me far too long to make the decision but I did it for them as much as me they will never appreciate that because although they know a lot no one can know or understand all, but I was afraid especially for my son as he got older and maybe challenged him and of course as a man in controlled he couldn’t be challenged
The problems I had was I could see exactly why he was as he was his own childhood had been out of control, with beatings and I loved him I didn’t want to fail

Please get counselling for YOU not family counselling and talk to others perhaps through Womens Aid to build your confidence and don’t try to see into the future to stop you You don’t know he ll get remarried and have your daughter 50% of the time, that’s your panic running away with the future

As everyone has said it won’t get better and you don’t even mention loving him

As your daughter grows into adulthood, he will behave towards her in the same way he is behaving towards you.

At least now, i am careful how and when i push back and stand up for myself.

In other words - he is completely controlling your life. How can you possibly 'focus on yourself' or 'build yourself up' when everything you do or say has to be measured according to how he responds?

To be brutally honest, I think you are fighting a losing battle because he's already won it. You have decided to stay in an abusive relationship... and he's reduced you to the sorry position of having to ask for help in how to bear it...

He will have control over you and your daughter now for the rest of his life - until your daughter - naturally - rebels and leaves home... possibly prematurely.

The very least you can do is consult a solicitor and find out what your options might be. He will not necessarily be given 50/50 with your daughter under the circumstances.

@Nonogran is right - you will probably reach breaking point eventually - when you see the effect of his controlling behaviour on your daughter.

If you are prepared to put up with the abuse please recognise that you will sooner or later reach this breaking point, and then you will have to act - that's why you need your options explained via a solicitor now. It is the only piece of advice I could offer - knowing what you can do in the future might give you the "build up" that you desperately need. There is no other way to combat his bullying - unless you are prepared to challenge him every single time he tells you what to do or puts you down and you obviously are not going to do that because you've already stated that you are "careful" about how and when you "push back".

Sorry, but not leaving him because he would demand 50/50 access and when he gets another partner, your daughter would have to deal with his abuse unprotected is false thinking

Currently your daughter is experiencing 100% of her life living with an abuser, assuming that a situation where one partner abuses the other mentally is love and is normal and that women should always be subservient to men

Can you not see that you are already doing far more damage to your daughter than the other scenario you describe. You do not even know whether he would get 50% access. He is an abuser, courts now look on abusive men much less kindly than they did. Him demanding it is not the same as him getting it and is your daughter not entitled to spend at least half her childhood in a normal household so that she can see, and quickly tell the difference between the two?

Your whole description of your life is written from the perspective of someone who has been worn down and completely cowed by their partner and is justifiying her current passivity by pretending that it is her choice, better for her child etc etc.

You know very well indeed that your life is not a life where you have rationally decided to stay with your partner. You are staying with your partner because you are too scared of what he will do if you leave.

However you have posted on GN and I think that is because in your heart of hearts, you know that you are in an untenable position, that you are being emotionally and psychologically abused and most of all you know in your heart of hearts that your current life is bad for your daughter and staying in it could do untold mental and psychological damage to your daughter and could damage her ability to negotiate a safe and loving relationship for her self for life. You have looked to us for advice and the advice we have given you is unanimous - GO

What you need to do is make contact with a Woman's Aid or Refuge, an organisation that can help women in your position, help you, not only in providing somewhere safe for you to go to, but also legal advice. There will be one locally, it will be accessible online.

You could also go and see a solicitor, make sure you go to a good sized company and ask to speak to a solicitor specialising in family affairs. You could also seek advice from Citizen's Advice. They too can tell you ways you can safely leave.

You are in a seriously abusive relationship, that could destroy your child's ability to lead a happy life. Currently you are worn down by your husband's bullying and have justified not taking action by pretending it is your independent decision to stay. It isn't, it is a decision made by someone exhausted by abuse.

For your childs sake. leave

Lots of good, compassionate and well informed advice here. You’re in an abusive relationship, modelling for your daughter how to tread egg shells to keep the peace. He’s emotionally abusing and controlling you. You haven’t mentioned verbal or physical violence but that is often just under the surface in the kind of relationship you describe.

Is it possible for you and your child to go to stay with a trusted friend or relative to get a weeks relief from the situation ?
You might get a clearer picture of the abnormality of your situation , and realise what it’s like to breath without feeling the eggshells
Your child will not be taken from you in a 50/50 arrangement , he would not get that for such a young child
You will not make your situation better by staying , you will be teaching your child watchfulness and submission