How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

I am seeking advice from those that have perhaps been married for a number of years and have experienced the highs and lows of marriage but persevered.

FridayIsComing what you describe are not the highs and lows of a normal marriage.
Those would be surviving the bad times as well as the good times together, not always agreeing (even having strong arguments) but in the end reaching compromises.

I agree with the wise advice of the majority of posters.
This is not a healthy atmosphere for your child.

The poster has made it very clear that she does not want to leave her husband, and she is right in that divorce can be exchanging one set of problems for another. She is not ready to face that yet.
So to answer the question 'how to find happiness within herself': she needs to develop and build up her self-esteem in various ways. Here are some suggestions.
Focus on job satisfaction, which she seems to have already, and look out for ways of improving her credentials for the time when she may increase her hours.
Look to getting extra qualifications; successful studying boosts one's ego and brings pleasure in itself.
Develop a network of friends to have simple fun with, (coffee, walks in the park etc), away from the oppressive atmosphere at home.
Read, exercise, paint, garden, whatever brings you pleasure; build up personal small achievements without reference to the marriage.
Take pride in yourself.
Take comfort in small things.
Save as much money as possible and keep a record of incidents in the marriage, but not obsessively.
These are short term measures but may help the poster to face the reality of her marriage, since I doubt if things will improve.
Be prepared for the husband to leave abruptly.
I also noticed the reference to the in-laws.

My dad was fond of the silent treatment towards my mum never us kids though. Mu. Would start opening drawers, lifting cupboards as though looking for something and eventually dad would say what are you looking for, she would rey, ah I've found it, your voice!!! Lol it was a tactic she used rarely as she had to make sure he had forgotten the previous time. It broke the ice between them and they would end up laughing.

You have made a choice to stay - fine - that is what YOU want to do.

Now start thinking about your daughter. She will be scarred by this dreadful relationship - living in an atmosphere of tension is torture for a child. I know about this - I was that child.

What message will you be sending out to her as she gets older and observes what is going on? ... it is OK for a woman to live in thrall to a man's whims and moods - is that what you want for her?

Your post is about ideas to focus on yourself and build yourself up. You are a parent - it is a massive responsibility. Please focus on your child and build her up.

For myself I walked on eggshells for about 6 months and I left with two small children aged two and four and never regretted it.. I remember when he was due home from work I would say to the children just be quiet when daddy comes in and it was absolutely awful for all of us. you seem to have given this a lot of consideration and you must do what is right for you but as I say I could not tolerate living like that. I wish you well in whatever decision you make

My sister stayed in a relationship like this and as her children got older, they got the same treatment as she did. It affected them very badly and they blamed her for not protecting them from him. Although he is now dead, she still doesn't have a good relationship with them. tbh I always thought she was a coward but she was actually brain washed until she lost all confidence in herself. Leave!

I totally understand your fears about divorce and his getting 50/50 contact of your daughter. That happened to someone very close to me a few years ago but staying with him will only get worse and you and your daughter deserve peace of mind...

Contacting woman's aid is very good advice they'll advise and help you then I'd say confide in a level headed member of your family one who can support you and your daughter till you're ready to leave this man because staying will result in mayhem.
Take your time and chat to those who can help you.

You can with the right help protect your daughter. I do know that's what you're biggest fear is.

I forgot to mention this because it was late at night when I responded to your post. You said you have a supportive family you are fortunate. If your family can help you in any practical way that will be a support and comfort to you and your daughter. You will have to spend time at your solicitors and other agencies for advice this is where your family can help you with your daughter.

Your husband will not get equal access to your daughter this does not necessarily always happen. Access will have to fit into what is practical for you and your daughter work nursery etc.
If you are advised to attend family court as I was limited access can be given but it does depend on the circumstances. There is no way I can say this will be an easy time. The reward will come later when you and your daughter are safe and happy.

You cannot have an absolute normal life and stay with your husband. Are you able to have friends round? Will your child be able to have friends round? How will you feel when you see other married couples in a true partnership situation? You will feel incredibly sad. And how will you feel at the end of your life having missed out on a loving relationship? You can be strong and stick it out but it will be at a price. Only you can decide if you are prepared to pay this.

You could always phone Women's Aid for advice, they will have dealt with thousands of cases like yours. I'd speak to them and seek advice from a solicitor.

Please do these things to get a clearer picture of the options for yourself and your daughter.

Don’t assume your husband will have the access to your child that you imagine. My child was 7 when his abusive father walked out. He didn’t want to see his father and the court social worker recommended that his father kept in touch by letters and birthday cards etc only. That was how it stayed. Court social workers are excellent at gently finding out how a young child feels. I too urge you to leave this controlling man. With a small child to look after you are not in a position to make any sort of life for yourself outside this marriage other than when you’re at work. In my experience it’s impossible to create happiness for yourself and your child within an unhappy marriage.

Your husband is abusing you. The silent treatment is passive aggression and just part of his armoury in his effort to control you. I grew up in a household where my mother would stop talking to my father for weeks on end over the smallest things. My father was a lovely man and it still pains me now to think how miserable she made him.

If you are in the UK it’s highly unlikely your husband would be granted 50% custody of your daughter. I think you have to make it your mission now to start the diary, start putting money aside and contact as many women’s organisations as possible to find out your rights and the best way forward.

Life really is too short to continue in this controlling, abusive marriage plus your daughter doesn’t need to be brought up in such an unhealthy atmosphere.

Good luck.

The answer to your question is that you can’t find happiness in your marriage and neither will your child. I can’t imagine why you think you can. You can play him at his own game and become the same as him, you can ignore it and your child will pick up on unacceptable behaviour. You can keep going away but you have to come back. You can argue and provoke won’t make any difference. Is anything worth losing yourself for or for your child’s happiness.
Sorry I don’t mean to sound hard but that is the reality.

Is it possible for you and your child to go to stay with a trusted friend or relative to get a weeks relief from the situation ?
You might get a clearer picture of the abnormality of your situation , and realise what it’s like to breath without feeling the eggshells
Your child will not be taken from you in a 50/50 arrangement , he would not get that for such a young child
You will not make your situation better by staying , you will be teaching your child watchfulness and submission

Lots of good, compassionate and well informed advice here. You’re in an abusive relationship, modelling for your daughter how to tread egg shells to keep the peace. He’s emotionally abusing and controlling you. You haven’t mentioned verbal or physical violence but that is often just under the surface in the kind of relationship you describe.

Sorry, but not leaving him because he would demand 50/50 access and when he gets another partner, your daughter would have to deal with his abuse unprotected is false thinking

Currently your daughter is experiencing 100% of her life living with an abuser, assuming that a situation where one partner abuses the other mentally is love and is normal and that women should always be subservient to men

Can you not see that you are already doing far more damage to your daughter than the other scenario you describe. You do not even know whether he would get 50% access. He is an abuser, courts now look on abusive men much less kindly than they did. Him demanding it is not the same as him getting it and is your daughter not entitled to spend at least half her childhood in a normal household so that she can see, and quickly tell the difference between the two?

Your whole description of your life is written from the perspective of someone who has been worn down and completely cowed by their partner and is justifiying her current passivity by pretending that it is her choice, better for her child etc etc.

You know very well indeed that your life is not a life where you have rationally decided to stay with your partner. You are staying with your partner because you are too scared of what he will do if you leave.

However you have posted on GN and I think that is because in your heart of hearts, you know that you are in an untenable position, that you are being emotionally and psychologically abused and most of all you know in your heart of hearts that your current life is bad for your daughter and staying in it could do untold mental and psychological damage to your daughter and could damage her ability to negotiate a safe and loving relationship for her self for life. You have looked to us for advice and the advice we have given you is unanimous - GO

What you need to do is make contact with a Woman's Aid or Refuge, an organisation that can help women in your position, help you, not only in providing somewhere safe for you to go to, but also legal advice. There will be one locally, it will be accessible online.

You could also go and see a solicitor, make sure you go to a good sized company and ask to speak to a solicitor specialising in family affairs. You could also seek advice from Citizen's Advice. They too can tell you ways you can safely leave.

You are in a seriously abusive relationship, that could destroy your child's ability to lead a happy life. Currently you are worn down by your husband's bullying and have justified not taking action by pretending it is your independent decision to stay. It isn't, it is a decision made by someone exhausted by abuse.

For your childs sake. leave

As your daughter grows into adulthood, he will behave towards her in the same way he is behaving towards you.

At least now, i am careful how and when i push back and stand up for myself.

In other words - he is completely controlling your life. How can you possibly 'focus on yourself' or 'build yourself up' when everything you do or say has to be measured according to how he responds?

To be brutally honest, I think you are fighting a losing battle because he's already won it. You have decided to stay in an abusive relationship... and he's reduced you to the sorry position of having to ask for help in how to bear it...

He will have control over you and your daughter now for the rest of his life - until your daughter - naturally - rebels and leaves home... possibly prematurely.

The very least you can do is consult a solicitor and find out what your options might be. He will not necessarily be given 50/50 with your daughter under the circumstances.

@Nonogran is right - you will probably reach breaking point eventually - when you see the effect of his controlling behaviour on your daughter.

If you are prepared to put up with the abuse please recognise that you will sooner or later reach this breaking point, and then you will have to act - that's why you need your options explained via a solicitor now. It is the only piece of advice I could offer - knowing what you can do in the future might give you the "build up" that you desperately need. There is no other way to combat his bullying - unless you are prepared to challenge him every single time he tells you what to do or puts you down and you obviously are not going to do that because you've already stated that you are "careful" about how and when you "push back".

Your original title is how can you find happiness in yourself within a turbulent marriage, the answer, my dear is you can’t believe me, I have been there, add the fact I loved the man dearly and had three children, but it was destroying me, them and everything around It took me far too long to make the decision but I did it for them as much as me they will never appreciate that because although they know a lot no one can know or understand all, but I was afraid especially for my son as he got older and maybe challenged him and of course as a man in controlled he couldn’t be challenged
The problems I had was I could see exactly why he was as he was his own childhood had been out of control, with beatings and I loved him I didn’t want to fail

Please get counselling for YOU not family counselling and talk to others perhaps through Womens Aid to build your confidence and don’t try to see into the future to stop you You don’t know he ll get remarried and have your daughter 50% of the time, that’s your panic running away with the future

As everyone has said it won’t get better and you don’t even mention loving him

In this case you have to look after yourself first and your child second. If you leave you will then be free of him and then be in a better headspace, which will then help you to take better care of your child.

Only by looking after yourself first will you help your child. I’ve been there.

OP - you are teaching your daughter that it's ok to continue to live with someone who is abusive - and his behaviour is` abuse.

What happens when, at some point, she challenges him? She will, because all children do. Will she end up ignored or shouted at?

I would start making plans to leave - for your sake and your daughter's. Sooner or later, she will pick up on the dynamics of your relationship, and think it's normal for a woman to put up with this behaviour, which won't bode well for her adult relationships.

He might not get 50% of access, and although they threaten it, many men don't even want it after a marriage break up.

If he gets another woman and does the same things to her, the one thing your daughter will eventually realise is that her Mum was the strong one, who walked away.

So, although it's not easy, I would start making plans to go - talk to Women's Aid, talk to family, if you can, or any real life support.

You both will have a much better life without him.

Good luck.

He is treating you like a “non person.” His behaviour is controlling and abusive. It’s disrespectful in every way.
His behaviour would be classed as unreasonable for divorce papers.
In your shoes I’d do as others suggest:
See a solicitor just for a legal perspective. You don’t need to take it further.
Start building up £ funds of your own.
Keep a journal but keep it factual. Date each entry. Write what happened & then most importantly, how it made you feel.
At the end of the day, as your daughter grows & becomes more independent I think you will feel stronger & will reach breaking point. It’s then that the advice given here will resonate & you’ll take action.
You only have one life so make a contingency plan and tuck it up your sleeve.
What troubles me in situations like you describe is that these bullying men get older, they get sick & then expect their long suffering door mat wives to nurse them. Stuff that for a game of monkeys! Been there, got the tee shirt.

If you can't leave for you, think about your daughter. She will soon be saying "no" and that will have terrible consequences.

If your daughter learns that saying "no" isn't an option, you aren't really protecting her I'm afraid.

As others have said, the way you are living is not good for you but certainly no better for your little one... And if you stay, what happens when she is a teenager? Does she get into terrible damaging fights? Does she learn to accept abuse? Does she learn you just say "yes"? Who knows.

Please reconsider.
You are strong. You have survived this awful marriage. You can do more than you think and become the role model you would like to be. My heart goes out to you.

Meanwhile YES, keep a diary if you can keep it secret.
If you change your mind, one day this will become proof if needed.

What does your family say about this man?

Hi I am assuming that your husband has never been physically violent to you, although I believe that what you describe is just as harmful. I would urge you to think longer term and consider leaving. In the meantime there is no reason why you shouldn't continue a form of supportive counselling yourself and seek to engage with other women experiencing the same. This would let you see that the person does not change their behaviour (why would they as it works for them in a dysfunctional way). Don't engage with his behaviour unless absolutely necessary. You need support to maintain your sense that its not you causing it which can be very difficult at times.
Make a parallel life for yourself - activities outside the home with your daughter when you can. Make friends with other mums. Spend time with family etc
I could not tell from your original post how long it had been going on or what your family's view is - don't leave it to long. Take care.

Fridayiscoming you have clearly thought carefully about your reasons for staying, factoring in a perspective about the best way to protect your daughter. But your daughter will grow older and as she does she will become increasingly vulnerable to the behaviours that you are subjected to, during her formative years

Please please get in touch with Womens Aid, take some time to find out all your options ...and don't assume everything will be in your husbands favour.

The fact the counsellor challenged his behaviour speaks volumes, as does the fact you never returned, which I bet would have been his decision.