How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

You are being abused Get help ASAP Phone the Police report domestic violence tell them you're afraid of him and being coercively controlled Get him removed get legal help involve Women's Aid If you won't do it for yourself do it for your child !

Skydancer it is my belief that so many bullies/controllers are unaware of the effect their behaviour can have on others.

I strongly suspect that women and men who bully/control are deeply unhappy and have been this way for many years; yet get away with it in the workplace because people leave and others who are not so affected have other things to worry about ..such as not rocking the boat or just keeping their jobs.

That is work though and I think it is the case now that women in particular are less likely to “put up and shut up” in their own homes.
There are, it seems to me nowadays, many malcontents who thrive on offloading their misery by trying to transfer it on to others, especially if they detect a chink of vulnerability in some area of their “victims” personality, by “gaslighting” and manipulation.

Could you stand up to him rather than agree? I had a controlling boss once. I did everything to appease him but it was never good enough. One day I told him don’t you ever speak to me like that again! He was thoroughly taken aback and we got on better after that. I realise it’s not the same but you must fight fire with fire. Let him know you won’t put up with the comments or the silent treatment. My DH tried sulking when we first got together and I told him he needn’t bother as I don’t respond to sulking and eventually he stopped doing it. On another point I wonder why there seem to be so many bullies these days.

When you are being abused (which it is - silent treatment etc.) Your child is also being abused by watching their mother being treated this way.

Having read all your further posts I can fully understand now why you are staying You say maybe he has a disorder and that went through my brain at one point but if he had he wouldn’t be able to switch it on and off he would be controlling to everybody so I think that’s out of the equation

He obviously has a very good side he’s kind and helpful to your relatives ( they don’t challenge him though)
He s a hands on excellent dad (at 2 she doesn’t challenge him what happens when she does, because she will)

You are a strong intelligent woman, you are a huge challenge to him, so he has to do all he knows how, which is to put you down, unnerve you, put you on the wrong foot, and control you with his punishment which is every bit as bad as hitting you to keep you in line
Can you continue counselling for you
Also if you could private message the lady on MN and maybe get support and understanding from someone who has been there, that could help
You are well and truly trapped at the moment but it won’t always be like it
You sound a lovely very sensible, clever, strong lady hang in there nothing goes on for ever

Ps as well as a secret fund keep yours and daughters important papers and passports in a safe secret place I know it sounds dramatic but dads can and have taken children away and left the mother behind

Thank you everyone.

I’m pleased you can clearly see how much you have achieved. Unfortunately over time controlling man clouds your vision and erodes your confidence as the control seeps into more and more areas of life. I speak from experience.

I hope you can confide in your parents and enlist their support. I know how difficult it is - typically women feel ashamed to admit that they suffer this sort of treatment. I didn’t confide in my parents until my husband left. I didn’t tell anyone. I really wish I had. Don’t make my mistake.

You seem to feel that you should understand his need to behave as he does. Don’t feel that way. His personality is what it is and trying to understand it will get you nowhere.

I would suggest that you see a good divorce lawyer as soon as you can, as a part of lining up the ducks. Be absolutely honest with him/her about your husband’s behaviour. I know it’s very difficult to pull no punches about your marriage but it’s essential. The solicitor will be able to give you good advice about custody arrangements in your particular circumstances. This will be money well spent.

I hope you can get the ducks sufficiently lined up to enable you to enjoy a happier life outside your marriage before long.

Friday, you certainly have achieved a great deal within the confines of your marriage and that should make you proud. I understand your fears about your daughter. I didn't experience much of this from my ex-husband, other than idle threats, but I have seen the extent controlling husbands will go to to pursue their ex-wives over custody of their children, insisting on separate appointments for consultations, personal invitations to every event in school, complaints about their work, culminating in written reports for court hearings about custody.

Have you confided in your mother about your husband's silent treatment? She believes him to be the supportive husband, but if you tell her she may pick up signals of his controlling behaviour, although I bet it doesn't happen when anyone else is around. Tell your doctor also, so you have a written record from a professional.
As to being told when to clean the skirting boards, the response is: yes, why don't you? and a discourse on why Fairtrade food doesn't serve the purpose for which it was intended.

Friday you have made a start,
Well done. Have your ducks in a row but maybe don't wait for a "perfect row"! Otherwise there will always be a "duck" that is stopping you making the jump! Do let us all know how you are getting on as you start this journey

It sounds like you’re moving in the right direction, but please don’t wait too long. It’ll be much harder once your daughter starts to remember more.

All the best and take care.

the bottom line is that you don't love him. how can you contemplate staying so ruining both lives.
'

I unfortunately put up with that behaviour until he was physically abusive do not wait until then.

Well done Friday. It sounds like the fog is clearing for you and you are beginning to see your way forward.

It's OK to take your time, to get your ducks in a row before making your move, in fact doing so will make the transition go more smoothly for you. When I said get out asap, I didn't mean just grab your stuff and go, I meant get yourself organised and in a strong position first. Obviously the sooner the better but these things can take time to plan and organise.

Wishing you lots of luck. There is a better life waiting for you and your daughter. Just stay strong and focussed and you will get there.

That sounds promising.

@ Doodledog the fund is secret and kept for safe keepings with my brother to separate from marital assets. Maybe a deposit for a house purchase in the future.
I will keep an electronic diary to ensure no one can read it but me. I will also find a good self help book as recommended. Maybe one day i will up and leave but will have all my ducks in a row for when i do.

Thank you for sharing the link. I have gone on Mumsnet and read the thread. I could relate to so much of it.
Made me happy to read the poster is now free. Gives me hope maybe i will be free too.

There is a thread on Mumsnet that you really should read. Strikingly similar 'silent treatment' to what you experience. The thread began in 2019 and coincidentally, the original poster updated it today. It is a long thread but at the bottom of the OP's post, there's the option to click on 'Op's posts: See Next' and you can read her posts in order.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3603074-why-does-he-do-this

It seems clear from your posts that you have considered this from all angles, that you are very aware of what he is doing and how he is doing it, and of what impact this is likely to have on your daughter.

If you are determined to stay, all I can think of is what I have already said (keep a diary, remind yourself that he does not get to define who you are, and make sure you have a secret fund so that you can get out if you change your mind).

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

In response to the impact this will hve on my daughter, well this does play on my mind. But to date, his approach with our daughter is she should be free to express herself, we should actively work to build her confidence ( to the point where i was asked to not correct daughter when she was not pronouncing words properly!!). I think he saves his meaness for just me. However, i dont want my daughter to grow up thinking that she too must be submissive. Or maybe she will think “dad was very particular when it came to certain things and mum managed to make it work” and not perceive it as dad was controlling and mum a walk over.

I did leave him for 5 months. It was during Covid and lockdown and so he was unable to see me and our daughter. It was hard, i felt guilty for depriving my daughter of her father. I have never spent a night away from my daughter and the thought of that makes me stay in the relationship. And 70-80% of the time the relationship is good. Sometimes i think maybe it is me that us hypersensitive, maybe he has some sort of disorder or something and i should be more understanding.
I cant leave the relationship unless i can be sure why i am leaving and that i know there is no way to make the relationship work. That 10 years later, i wont think maybe i overreacted.

What is keeping you with him, if you don't mind saying? If you could leave him if he hit you, why do you stay as long as he doesn't, if you know that he is abusing you in other ways?

Obviously you don't have to say anything you don't want to, but the more information we have, the better able we will be to advise. I'm pleased you have a fund of your own money, as that will be reassuring for you, and also that you have acknowledged the things you have done to help yourself.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the responses. Its been a very busy day with work and my little one so i have not had a chance to reply.

I will try to answer questions raised:

There has been no physical violence.
My family believes he is great, I have not told them of his ways. He does not stop me from seeing my family or friends. In fact he encourages and facilitates this. He actively supports my elderly uncle that lives alone and needs DIY or things doing around the house. He is a heavily involved dad, takes our daughter to the local toddler groups once a week, has a genuine interest in daughters development and growth, dedicates time to the family. He does not control me financially.

Nonetheless, i believe he is controlling. I do walk on egg shells because he has in the past ignored me for months on end for the smallest of things. His reason is i dont listen to him. His examples are pathetic- dont buy too many groceries, eat fair trade food, reduce food waste, reheat food in a certain way, don't eat in certain rooms, all food must be finished before cooking, skirting boards and windows must be cleaned etc etc. Another section is parenting approach. His view here is “We do it my way or you do it your way alone” in other words if i dont parent the way he wants then the day to day care of my daughter will be my job. This is hard when we are both WFH and daughter was not in nursery at that point. She is now.
People have real problems that are serious. He fights over the smallest of things.
A lot of the responses focus on serious controlling problems. But he does not fit the usual picture of controlling behaviour.
In terms of what i have done to date:
- Become a confident driver
- Sought 2 promotions in the last 3 years (hard with baby and Covid)
- Squirrel away funds
- Gone for counselling for myself which prompted me to do the above
- Sought advice from Womens Aid- he is not a risk to our daughter therefore there is no reason he cannot receive 50/50 access

My mother tells me i am so lucky to have a supportive husband that is hands on with our daughter. But of course i know what it is truly like. People like to focus on the big things and think this is what defines a good person.
I believe he tries to break me mentally by giving me the silent treatment in order to influence my behaviour. In many ways, i walk away and agree to a lot of things to live in peace. But i know i should not have to do this. I sometimes think it would be easier if he was physically abusive. It would make leaving easier.

I think the problem here is that the OP feels she is making the best of an imperfect marriage with its ups and downs; but those of us who have been children in similar situations can see that this is not just ups and downs. Differences of opinion are part of every marriage and are of little importance if there is a base level of respect and affection between the partners. What we have here is something different - it is a woman being belittled and lives with someone who cannot be challenged over even the smallest thing without arguing and going silent for a week.

I am not telling the OP what to do, but simply providing her with important information about the serious psychological effects that can follow for a child brought up in this unhealthy atmosphere. The child's future well-being cannot be discounted.

DerbyshireLass

DaisyAnne

Doodledog

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

I agree and hope the OP felt my answer took her decision into account.

I can't see how it can help someone who appears to be under a level of coercive control for us to add to that coercion.

I fail to see how the answers that have been given can be classed as further coercion.

Friday asked "how to find happiness in yourself in a turbulent marriage".

The answer is "you can't".

Are you suggesting that posters should have just given a two word answer and not tried to offer advice, support and encouragement,

Friday is in a nightmare scenario, fearful, lost and very confused.

The answer to her problem is not "suck it up and make the best of a bad job" it is "get yourself and you daughter out of there as soon as you can".

Nowhere did I suggest "that posters should have just given a two word answer and not tried to offer advice, support and encouragement". We can all only go on our own experience and my reading was that the OP didn't have a huge sense of agency at the moment. When I was in a similar place being told the one decision I had made was wrong would not have helped. Indeed it could have been devastating if mistimed. Because of this, I attempted to offer something she could possibly do that could give her options moving forward.

I don't think anyone said, "suck it up and make the best of a bad job". I, for one, would not dream of saying such a thing to someone in a vulnerable position. However, this should be about the OP so best to leave it, I think.

I find this post really sad, for you and your DD , I myself could never live with an abusive partner and I also couldn’t have my daughter being subjected to this either! You can’t make yourself happy living like this! You must be living on eggshells, you deserve and so does your daughter so much better, you are asking what can you do to make things better for yourself to be happy! There is only one answer Leave Him!