Smoking in your 70s

NO! YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!!!
It is affecting your health and surely your own daughter should understand that!!!
Tell him he needs to quit smoking or move into his own place before he kills you - I'm sure your daughter would rather have you around for as long as possible!!
But, is there anything you do that causes annoyance to him that you could offer to stop, to make it fairer on him?

I must say reading about this made me want to buy a pack.

I used to smoke Marlboro and am still on the high strength vape fluid. I only ever buy the 'tobacco' flavour and think it's appalling they have so many 'flavours' to attract people who have never smoked before. When the wrinkles around their mouth resemble a cat's bum they'll regret it!

That sounds like a wonderful organisation Bree19.
Well done on staying quit.

Well I’ve been reading GN for years and have never participated. But this subject is so near to my heart I couldn’t just move on.

Quitting is HARD. Nicotine is an addiction as powerful as, or even more powerful, than heroin. Fact. Once an addict (almost) always an addict.

I quit smoking on 27 Feb 2017 having never tried to quit even once in 45+years. I told myself that as soon as the knee replacement was over (April sometime) I could go back to my addiction. I didn’t try to stop with my first knee replacement and my recovery time was twice as long compared to the 2nd one in 2017. I never did smoke again to this day.

I joined the group "Become an Ex" in November 2016 and kept on stopping and starting for about 3 months. You pick your own date, sometime in the not too distant future and stay in touch with them online. They are ALL ex-smokers with or without COPD and lung cancer. Their knowledge is phenomenal and they support, help, advise and are simply a brilliant bunch of people. Some of them have been quit for 40+ years. Others do still struggle. But they never give up on anyone.

They walk you through Hell Week, that’s the first of four really difficult weeks. I forget what the other 3 weeks were called. With all my failed quits from Nov to Feb, I was never once judged or scolded or reprimanded or threatened. I would speak to them online daily (sometimes hourly) and made many friends on the site. I've not touched another cig again and if I feel that I'm stressed or feel like slipping and "only have one", I go on the website for just ordinary chatting, much like on GN. Then the urge passes and I'm back on track again.

5 years later I'm still a committed quitter with the odd craving to which I’ve never caved. They are sponsored by Mayo Clinic and no money is involved in any of it as far as members are concerned. Their only requirement is respect at all times. Arguing is not tolerated.

Their encouragement is awesome and some of their senses of humour are priceless. It’s simply a great community to belong to – I no longer need help but still go back occasionally to either just lurk around or to have a chat.
I highly recommend visiting the site.

(https://www.becomeanex.org)

I know someone who has tried many times to give up smoking and is now addicted to vaping. She has very serious, painful, expensive gum disease and STILL keeps vaping. I tried saying vaping is supposed to help you to give up not be a replacement but it’s useless. If you have an addictive personality it’s very hard to stop either smoking or vaping sadly

Time for some straight talking, call him out on his lies which are equally as bad as the smoking. Tell him about hypnosis and the GP’s quit smoking programme. Let him know that the GP told you you needed to be in a smoke-free home. If it’s true, reassure him that you want him to stay, then move into the spare room and give him a time limit to decide. You could end up alone though and having to sell your home when neither of you are in good health. This is probably what is worrying your daughter. Are you prepared for that? If not, you might want to move permanently into the spare room and find another way to coexist.

He might want to get cancer but you don't through passive smoking
Leave him !

I smoked for many years. I gave up while pregnant and didn’t smoke at all when my children were young. I started again after returning to work. Three years ago I realised that enough was enough and anxious to have a healthier later life, I gave up. Best thing I ever did! I notice, sadly, that my ex husband still smokes and suffers from poor health, including three nasty bouts of Covid, which I was lucky enough not to catch at all.

I haven’t read all the responses, but in my opinion, there’s no point in having a beautiful home, if you’re not healthy enough to enjoy it.

I’m sad to say it doesn’t sound like he cares for you at all. Time for serious talking or go your separate ways.

I genuinely can't get my head around why anyone starts smoking in the first place. Here - stick this in your gob and set it on fire? How does that even sound like a good idea? Smokers stink and are among the most selfish individuals on the planet. If he can't put your health first - never mind his own - then you've got your answer.

I smoked between 19 and thirty mainly because I had friends who did. I gave up at 30 as soon as my first pregnancy was confirmed.

Walk out on your own two feet before you are carried out in a box.
It is a serious situation.
Save yourself

No contest for me...It would defo be my health....If he loved you enough he would at least give it his best try to stop for good...Why should you have this added stress when you are ill....

I sympathise with your partner as I was a heavy smoker for 45 years. I think nearly all smokers do genuinely want to stop but you get defeated by past failures. Why don't you buy him the Allen Carr book. I had read and heard so many recommendations for it from other heavy smokers, I tried it and it really was easy to stop. That said, I also took large doses of Vitamin B complex before and after to help control my nerves.

I'd be separated again if I were you I can't abide the smell of smoke and it makes me Ill

It would be lovely to hear from the OP again. Have you made a decision NannaChirley?

my story, well my husbands...
he started smoking around age of 14,well we were encouraged to! I never took to it, thank goodness.
when we met in our early 30`s, he was smoking 40 a day, I told him, he cut down to 20 without much difficulty,
it was discovered in his early 70`s I think it was that he was born with only one operative lung and had a huge op. in London to take the unformed one away as he had a lump appear on it..

he had copd, well he would wouldn`t he!

he lived to 85, and the copd killed him off, well the one lung with it.. not a good way to go..

he tried on and off over the years to stop, tried mini cigars, pipes and then vaping.. he gave up twice! for 6 months and went back to it...

I didn`t like kissing him, but we cuddled, he smoked outdoors, and in his shed.. not indoors.

well I loved him, wouldn`t want to have given any ultimatum..but that is your choice isn`t it NanaChurley.

I never smelled it on his clothes, just couldn`t do the kissing part, and smoking in the house or near to me..

I was fortunate, I never took to smoking, some are addicted, it isn`t that they don`t want to stop, "there but for the Grace of God" at least doesn`t cause violence etc, like alcohol addition can, and drugs..

My mother was a 40-a-day smoker when I was a child. She was a nurse and when she started her training in the 30s they were encouraged to smoke to 'protect' them from the germs that were all around them on the wards. Her clothes always smelled of cigarettes and her fingers were always nicotine stained. My grandfather who lived with us smoked a pipe. Probably the house smelled too but I didn't notice it because I lived with it. My mother died of a thrombosis but I know she thought she had Emphysema as well. My father, also a heavy smoker, died of lung cancer.

I have never smoked. I tried one cigarette when I was 14 and didn't even finish it. I just didn't see the point of it, it was just burning money. I never touched a cigarette again. I didn't want to become my mum. I honestly don't know how people can afford to smoke now.

When I met my husband he smoked cigars. I actually like the smell of cigars, so didn't mind him smoking at home. But when I developed asthma 20 years later he gave up - overnight - just stopped. He has not smoked since, over 20 years now.

Two of our sons are asthmatic, one lives with a smoker; the other smokes himself, but never when he's with us. I really wish he'd give up but I know it has to be his choice. I'm just thankful they have never been drawn to other illegal drugs.

I think you need to give your partner an ultimatum. Give up completely or move out. It must be so hard when it's someone you care deeply about. And ^please* do explore the hypnotherapy suggested in a previous reply, it totally worked for a friend of ours, she can't bear to be near other smokers now. There is much more help for smokers these days. Good luck, I hope you can find a solution for both of you.

Your health or a partner who doesn't keep his word? No contest for me.

Sorry, but he has to want to give up because that is the driving force behind beating an addiction. I would sit him down for a very serious talk about the way forward. He is unlikely to give up smoking but you could ask him to go back to vaping outside and tell him that you feel disrespected that he doesn't care enough for your health to step back from cigarettes. Alternatively there are other good treatments these days to help beat the withdrawal symptoms.
I understand your pain. My husband struggled to beat smoking and kept lapsing even though it caused big arguments between us. Eventually I gave up nagging and one day he walked in and said he was giving up on his 50th birthday. I didn't believe him but sure enough, he gave up and has never looked back. Obviously he had to be sure it was something he wanted to do.

I have read all the responses and agree - he has to choose between you and the cigarettes. Your health is suffering living with a smoker even if he smokes outside - as you say, he brings the smoke back into the house on his clothes and person. I used to be a light smoker but eventually gave it up, smoking my last cigarette left in the pack when a close friend suddenly passed away. I don't go near them now and and much relieved indeed finding other ways to destress myself. Even if one of you moves out after discussion and planning, you will obviously remain close and visit each other. Why should you live in a smoky environment which makes you ill and is against your doctor's advice?

If the problem was just a choice of your not liking it it would be different, but you are risking your life and your health. He is entitled to make his own decisions about his own life but I do not think he should be endangering your life. I would have to ask him to leave or even if you feel it is fair for the work he has done to sell the house, live separately and only meet each other outside. That may sound so extreme to him that it might make him realize how bad the situation is and that he is causing you harm and putting you in a dangerous situation. You would not get in a car without a seat belt and drive at 100 miles an hour. It would be a very stupid thing to do and you would immediately say what a crazy thing to do. But for you starting to live with someone whose habits are going to cause you a lot of harm , it is a similar thing. You cannot get health back and for your sake you need to live in a clean atmosphere. That to me is your base line and whatever you decide to do must be your safe way of life.

If tobacco was discoverer now it would be treated as an illegal substance, basically its drug misuse that's how I feel about anyone who cannot give up the horrible stuff. Of course you'll feel torn about leaving or separating but he could be affecting your health. False promises, are they worth it?

Giving up smoking is so difficult and I had many attempts. I read Alan Carr’s book about giving up and this did make a difference. On one occasion I had no difficulty and at other times it was almost impossible. It’s not the giving up it’s the staying off them that has been my problem. Cigarettes have been my go to at times of extreme stress.

Maybe you could suggest he starts giving up by vaping only and outside in the garden. This would start to make your life a little easier. Going to non smoking clinic could help but only if he wants to. It’s impossible to force someone and they have to make up their own mind to give it a go. My giving up mechanism was nicotine gum and now I’m addicted to chewing which is also a rather unpleasant habit. I’m going to replace the gum with chewing gum and then hopefully dump that as well.

I can’t help you with your dilemma but I feel for you. The smell of cigarettes and vaping is now absolutely horrible to me. What’s worse I’d tell him that he is damaging your health. Maybe this would be a discussion to be had. I used to tell my DH how concerned I was about the amount he was drinking. He cut down significantly so I left it at that. Unfortunately that can’t be done with smoking.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do or however you decide to approach him.

If he has already got health problems then I think he will be counting on you to take care of him when his health worsens. What happens when he is stuck indoors and is still smoking?