Smoking in your 70s

It does not sound as though he wants to stop smoking so it is up to you as to whether you want to stay with him.

Staying because you want for nothing is not a reason to stay as there is so much else you do not like.

You cannot change somebody, he has to live his life as he wants too also.

Can you persuade him to only smoke outside?
I'm an ex smoker and know how hard it can be.
We live in a Close and I see a few people smoking outside.

Fennel - He does only smoke outside, not in the house . . . but its the smell on his clothes, hair and hands that I struggle with. His doctor told him to stop smoking 12 years ago and diagnosed him with COPD. His younger brother died of lung cancer and had COPD, so you would think that would encourage him to stop completely. He did stop for 7 years, then started smoking again nearly 3 years ago. He will tell you he only has the odd one here and there but hes smoking about 20 a day at least. He spends most of his time out in the garden, or in our sun room . . . I stay indoors as I cant bear the smell of smoke (I am an ex smoker)

ps our neighbour was a heavy smoker. A lovely man. Changed to those supposedly less harmful ???forgotten the name but too late . He died last year of lung cancer.
I'm so glad a bout of 'flu helped me to stop.

Well, if he already only smokes outside, that's a big step forward.
It's an addiction, and you can only change youself, not other people. Even if you're in a loving relationship otherwise.

It's up to him if he vapes (or smokes) and up to you if you find it too offensive to put up with.
I think there is no right or wrong answer, despite it being an obvious health risk to him.

I smoked until I was 57 and when I stopped, couldn't believe how disgusting the smell is - like a bonfire you've put out with water.

Unfortunately your partner has to want to stop, but it could be that he knows the damage has been done and he feels he'd rather smoke than suffer the withdrawal symptoms. He knows the risk as he lost his brother. When my husband was diagnosed with COPD he was terrified and stopped smoking immediately.. I was also told not use any sprays/candles etc anywhere near him.

I think you either have to accept him smoking and willfully damaging his and your health, or ask him to move out.

Smoking is an addiction. My mother smoked her whole life. She was a nurse whose specialty was chest patients, so knew exactly what she was doing. Her chest rattled and she had awful ashtma attacks in the last year of her life. She died at 67 having given up smoking, finally, just a month before.

It looks like you'll have to give him an ultimatum, you or the cigarettes. Explain you can't live with him smoking and he has to make the choice for your health and your sanity. It's so hard, but it doesn't sound as though you can cope with such horrible surroundings.

Good idea from Chestnut to get him to choose, rather than you making the decision.

No smoker realises how offensive they smell no matter how often they wash or perfume them self
Smokers are in total denial as to what they are doing to themselves and others
You are in an impossible situation if you love and care for this smelly, ill man but do you love him? Neither of you sound healthy in your later years
Does he live with you? did he keep his own home What a shame as he sounds a kind man would he go to the doctor for smoking cessation help unfortunately he’s in denial and I can’t see what you can do apart from part company which is sad

My father smoked himself to death ! Died at 70 and my mother remained a widow for 20 years . She never smoked and was unsuccessful at getting him to stop. He always told me ," never light up" I never did. I will not forget his final year - gasping for breath with an oxygen cylinder beside him . You are in a very difficult situation and I don't know what the answer is , your daughter has a good point! My father was a good man and loved my mother but he just could not stop smoking - even for her ! Good luck. Perhaps show him the GN posts?

The biggest mistake anyone makes - and the one made most often, is the belief that the partner will stop doing something you do not like, once youlive together.

Unless you are remarkably lucky, the chance of anyone giving up smoking, or drinking, controlling their temper or any of those things people do that cause most grief in relationships, once the couple are together, is virtually nil.

So you are in a postion that either have to live with him and his vaping/smoking or live elsewhere without him and his vaping/smoking. I really do not think that there is any alternative.

I gave up smoking 20 years ago and have just looked up how much cigarettes cost now
A pack of 20 b&h now costs £13.80

If he's smoking a pack a day (and there's a good chance he is as most smokers lie)
Then thats £90+ per WEEK.

I'd be more annoyed at that than anything else.
You could go on some nice holidays if he saved the money he was wasting on smoking.

I understand it’s as hard to give up as heroin.
First of all he has to want to stop, then if he does, he needs to seek help.
Time for a frank talk I think! Me or the fags!!

NanaChirley you have answered your own question, you have been advised by your Dr that a smoking environment is bad for you. Your partner is not going to change that so you need to.

I gave up over 20 years ago but was addicted to Nicorette gum for years!

I have asthma and I couldn't live with a smoker. Even on clothes it can irritate the lungs.
You have a choice between your health and living with a smoker.

My husband and his ex wife were both smokers, they were of a generation where many people partook. I'm thinking of "Madman" and how Don and Betty Draper would be sitting in bed smoking, one on the go all the time, my thoughts were "hate to be in the room with them their ceiling must be really brown" My ex also smoked when we got together but I often binned his fags when he wasn't looking, so eventually he gave it up. My husband resolved some 40 years ago having smoked his last cigarette over Christmas never to touch them again, true to his word he is far more evangelical about cigarette smoke than I am having never smoked. We sometimes ponder on the fact that all the smokers we knew have now kicked the habit, although we learn from my husband's daughter who also hates cigarette smoke, that her mother has no intention of ever giving up although conscious of other health issues she remains a stalwart smoker this among other issues became a problem in their relationship.

I was pretty annoyed when my kids took up smoking in the foolishness of youth, thankfully it was short lived. One son's partner has such a loathing for cigarettes he gave it up when their relationship started some seven or so years ago, but confessed he found that quite easy as he wasn't really a committed smoker anyway, why start in the first place my thoughts! Other son developed asthma as an adult and on a hospitalization due to that was told unequivocally during his stay to quit right away, which he did and not to be around smokers which he has and that does affect him.

I always marvel at the fact June Brown (Dot Cotton) has made it to the ripe old age she has being such a heavy smoker there is always the odd one who bucks the trend and are then held up as an example with......."see they got away with it!"

Sorry NanaChirley forgot to add, no you are definitely not being unreasonable everyone has the right to live in a smoke free environment.

Well, considering the man has totally refurbished their home, and they want for nothing, I wouldn't bank on him taking his fags and moving out easily.
It is his home, too.

I'm thinking about how it was considered quite normal for non smokers, to be subjected to other people's smoke in say the work place, restaurants, cinemas, even on planes heaven forbid . I once shared an office with a woman, who I really, really liked, but boy she was a heavy smoker our room was permanently enveloped in a blue fug and at the end of the day, her cigarette smoke had permeated my hair and clothes, I reeked of it. In retrospect it was quite unacceptable., I'd never put up with that now, so yes I empathise with your dilemma NanaChirley.

Yes.
I smoked when I was a civil servant, in a mixed office of smokers and non smokers.
It's hard to believe it now.

This is a huge dilemma if he's lovely in every other way.
Only you know how much you can put up with this, how much before you might think of leaving him.
I know smoking is hard to give up, I had problems when I stopped smoking over 40 years ago. But it is possible, many people do give up, and my opinion is that he could stop if he really wanted to. So I think he is the one being unreasonable, not you.