Workaholic DH still working at 76.

Esspee is saying exactly what I'm thinking....

YANBU Whilst your DH is helping a charity my thoughts are he is reluctant to give up his "importance". I'd be organising gardener, cleaner, abandon the bookkeeper responsibilities of anything in his name and organise a weekend away for self justifying it that you recognise he is far too busy to have a break. Has he always been so self centred?

He really has a housekeeper, cook, gardener on the cheap. I think at some level he is terrified of loss of status and ageing and death.
But how convenient for him to have you there.
You could play the ' I need your help now' card and appeal to his better nature. If that doesn't work see a solicitor.

I am 71 and love working. I find it so much more interesting than all the 'domestic stuff'. I have just got a new p/t job on a tall ship. My husband never cared if his shirt was ironed etc & never expected me to do it. Only do what you want to? Otherwise you may resent it. Different people have different priorities. If he looks like a crumpled paperbag that is his choice. Maybe you enjoy sorting out the family? Sounds like you are s great organiser. Enjoy yourself. Use that joint account to release yourself to have fun.

I have lived solo in our marriage for donkey's years and all of a sudden at 70, my other half has decided he is semi-retired. It's actually disorientating because I had got used to doing everything myself, holidays included. I think communication is key, if you have a partner who actually goes in for it. Mine doesn't and I'm resigned to it, but if you can achieve a decent heart to heart conversation that is perhaps the best way forward. I wish you success and a better outcome.

I have a friend who seems to spend her life enjoying walks, days out etc. I suspect her husband would just as soon be back at work, or in a comfy chair at home with his crossword!

As you do not have enough pension to cover staff to help out and husband wont't pay I suggest you sign on with a care agency as an occasional live in carer. Then you could do 3 weeks at a time and earn £2,500. Husband can run the house on his own. Doing this 3 times a year would give you enough to pay for the service you need when at home so that you can enjoy your home and retirement life.

You migh even advertise your availability in the Lady and this might find you two nice families - possbily elderly couples whose sons or daughters want to go on holiday etc.

All the very best.

Not sure that would work EmilyHarburn. My husband is a workaholic too (he should retire next year but.....) and if I went away I know that I would come home to the kitchen covered in dirty dishes, overflowing bins and a pile of laundry.

YANBU.

I actually think that the previous posters who mooted the idea of divorce (even at this stage of your life) had the right idea. Unless for some reason I can't get to grips with, you love this very selfish, miserly man who clearly doesn't give tuppence for your happiness?

Which would you truthfully prefer - continuing to be a poorly rewarded housekeeper/cook/gardener/secretary, or a new life where you could make new friends via indulging your own interests, whilst only doing what you deemed necessary for your own standards in terms of housekeeping?

Remember, if you take legal advice and divorce, you'll actually be financially better off, as you will be entitled to half of everything - including his "private funds" - and you will DESERVE them. You've certainly worked your share to allow him to amass them!

Even if you end up in a council property, there are many nice ones out there (in my area you choose a council house and see if you get it, rather than be allotted one in an area you'd hate) - and unless where you live is very different from my area, you would be allowed to take your dog with you.

Of course, there might be enough money for you to buy a wee place of your own.

Wouldn't that be better than your current situation? Sometimes one can feel less lonely alone than in a bad relationship.

A slightly different scenario . My late father was in his eighties. He had some land and he kept and over wintered young heifers. He walked almost two miles and back every day to feed these animals. One winter he a severe bout of bronchitis ( when the Dr made home visits!) My mother said to the Dr tell this silly old fool to give up these animals! The Dr replied when a man retires and sits in a chair then the rot begins. Leave him alone and let him do it as long as he can.

In many of the cases mentioned there does have to be a happy medium.

In a town in a rural area three miles from where I live there is a man of 90 still working in Mc Donalds !

Men can be so selfish and he’s being silly to himself - no one is indispensable ..,I’m with
Oopsadaisy1 on this!

Stop doing everything you feel is getting too much for you.

If your husband complains tell him, that if he doesn't want you to die of a stroke either he helps or he pays for help, but that you are no longer going to do it all yourself.

I am not saying you are at a risk of a stroke, I sincerly hope you are not, but at 70 I am seriously wondering how much longer I can cope with "it all" due to DH's poorer health.

Give your dear husband a list of the things that will no longer be your concern after the end of this month and let him work out whether he does the jobs or pays someone to do them.

If you go on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll go on getting what you’ve always got. If a man treats you as if you do not matter, then please believe him. Make yourself the centre of your world now, and make big changes, you’ve earned it.

Yes time to pack a bag. Don’t miss the rest of your life being a skivvy for an ungrateful b#@%£&*

Our friend Danny aged 78years, still working full time at the job he loved. Finished work on Friday for the weekend, dropped dead suddenly on. the Saturday night. Nobody knows the hour or the day? This is why people retire.......or not.

My husband stopped work at 50…slight, very slight stroke..I had to go full time so he could watch tv 18 hours per day!! Which is what he’s still doing. Since then I’ve had three TIA’s of which he’s been totally oblivious. Do you want to swap husbands ….I’d take yours at the drop of a hat and just spend his extra cash in doing what you want to do. !!

Oh dear - an extreme example of a common scenario. They had it made didn't they - the 'grandads'. Why would he change? A life where one receives great acclaim for doing what you enjoy while everything routine, menial (and NECESSARY) is dealt with by a charming friend.

Hi, I had the same problem. Fortunately my DH work supply slowed down and we joined a local bowls club. Although finances are now tight he seems to have accepted and is enjoying "our" time

Maybe the fact that you have lived hand to mouth before is the reason he continues to work, so he is trying to make up a shortfall in his bank account to pay for things that you missed in the past?
Please sit down and talk to him and let him know how you feel. Lock him in the house if you have to until he has heard what you have to say.
Have plans ready to say what you would like to happen that you hopefully will be able to agree on - such as employing a cleaner - use the delivery service for groceries, if only for once a month. Once you sit and think about what you would like to happen and explain it to him, you will hopefully be able to reach a compromise.

My DH says that when a man retires, he doesn't feel much of a man anymore. He is 71 and still works as a painter and decorator. If he has no work, he just watches tv or sleeps in the chair. I go to the gym three times a week and meet friends for lunch a couple of times a week and then meet my GS from school at 3 every day. I have a quick flick round and tidy up every day and the house doesn't get messy with just the two of us. This arrangement suits us fine and then we always get together each evening and enjoy each others company at weekends. I do have someone to do the gardening once a month and he is generous with any money that he earns. I am going to see the Rolling Stones with a friend in June and DH paid for the tickets. I don't do much ironing and love cooking anyway, so I don't see myself as a victim who is badly treated. We get on famously, but actually got on each others nerves a bit when he was at home all day during lockdown. Different things work for different people.

Saggi I am not the only one then. I have had Rheumatoid arthritis half my life. Was ill for Six months in 2019 but he can’t remember it. Ignored! Doesn’t help that much. Oh well!!

Margomar it sounds as if your 'D'H has no interest in doing things with you or in doing any of the low-status donkey work.

Do you really want to continue living with this man who has no interest in your point of view or in your wellbeing?

If yes, do a lot less for him, let the garden go wild and enjoy yourself doing whatever you like.

If no, get advice from Citizens Advice on what your financial position will be in the event of you leaving him.

At 78, my husband doesn't work for money but he works full-time at his voluntary activities, campaigns on local issues, etc. He has always been involved in groups and I resented it more when the children were young and I was left to do all the child care. I knew he would never change and so, rather than expect him to join me in anything I liked doing (walks, lunch out, theatre, day trips), I decided long ago that it was much more pleasant to be with friends (some of them single) who actually also enjoy the same things as I do. I used to envy couples who seemed to do everything together and feel sad that I didn't have a relationship like that but now I feel that some are too 'joined at the hip' and when, inevitably, one dies, the one left on their own, especially if elderly, must find it very hard to adjust.

At the very least, I would stop washing and ironing any of this man's clothes.

my DH is 73 is self-employed and I am fed up with it. It wasn't til I visited his DS who said 'you do realise Dad will never retire' when what I had feared for some years really sank in. This was never what was agreed and I feel very let down - you have my sympathies. I am now starting to make a life for myself without him otherwise I would never go anywhere........just looking at flights to Aus - solo trip!