Workaholic DH still working at 76.

Treat the next few weeks as practise time. So firstly I would do what I suggest my students do when they are trying to think what sort of job they would like. Get two pieces of paper, on one write down all the things you enjoy, meeting a friend, seeing a favourite plant looking lovely, and has been long awaited . Each time turn it over like consequences so you cant see the words above. Do the same for the things you dislike and again fold them over. Keep doing that for about a week trying to put anything that comes to mind into these two lists. Hide the lists away for a couple of weeks and in the meantime as you are going through your days think of what you have enjoyed or wished you could continue with and those you dont enjoy. While you are doing all this if you have a good friend who has been friends for some years and they know you well or perhaps a sister that you get on with and ask them what they know about you that you like or dislike , you may be surprised by their answers. I love music of many kinds but in particular classical . So it may seem crazy to others but when I was bringing my son up and at home with little adult company I started checking radio 3 for any J S Bach music . when I found some I then would work my housework and shopping etc round that time and when Bach was on I would sit down, shut my eyes and listen and not let anything else interfere . If I started feeling I should be doing x or y I would push the thoughts away and carry on listening to Bach. It was very good training as when I feel awful about things Bach can still help. So whatever you enjoy, sit down and enjoy it. Get your book and sit down and read it and ignore the washing up gardening etc etc. either just do it when you want to or you could match your husband. So if he is out for 5 hours doing nothing in the house, then as soon as he leaves you do YOUR own thing, read, go swimming, write poetry, go out for lunch meet a friend for coffee. Whatever you enjoy. That does NOT include doing shopping or any of the other things that involve sorting out your joint responsibility in the house etc. After a couple of weeks go through the lists and you are looking at the things that connect, so you may see that you mostly enjoy working in groups or alternatively you like to just work on your own, that you hate organising everything on your own for people who do not appreciate it!! carry on sitting down reading and when your husband arrives back dont rush to get up but say something like what shall we make for dinner? If he complains or asks why you havent prepared something or done the shopping , say that obviously as he is retired so are you and therefore you are going to do the same as he is doing and that the mutual things that need doing in the house and garden, will now either be done by you both or you need to pay someone to do it for you. Whilst he may be shocked he cannot say you are being unfair. You are simply matching his behaviour. If he wants to continue in that way , he must see that that is also fair for you. So you either do the jobs together, agree a fair division - not let him slip back - or it will show you that it wont work and you will already have some basis for deciding what you need to do. It is your life and you dont want to waste it. If your husband gets a shock and realizes that he needs to rethink what leaving work means and that he has been totally unfair to you , there may be a way that you can get together and work out a new way of working. If so it actually might be worth thinking of moving anyway as being in a new place will mean you make new routines.. If he is totally unprepared to make any effort, then I think you will have done your best to accommodate him, but it may be time then for you to leave and have your own life. All these things you have done will give you some idea what is important to you and where you might want to go. You may feel that if you live elsewhere you might still have some sort of connection, or you may feel that you want to cut all ties. Do whatever seems the best for you. You have spent years putting other people first and now is your time. Write down ,somewhere you can check up when you need to , why you needed to leave or change or whatever. If he tries to get you to come back with promises of change, read your lists and you will see that even if he thinks he will do something but he wont and even though it is painful it is worth it. You will have some sad times but you wont feel lonely and you will find the time and energy to do some things you really want to do. Go with it. Try anything, Did you never get to do pottery at school? look for a class, . Can you swim? if you can go and enjoy it , if you cant swim learn. at last you are not responsible for anyone else. If you want to eat a marmite sandwich at 1am do it!! Was there something you never made because your husband did not like it ? Well make it till it comes out of your ears!!!! I rejoined the YHA as a cheap way to be able to stay away , I love gardens and even now you can start by buying the NGS yellow garden book for £14.99 . You will get a wonderful lot of gardens to visit in England and Wales. You dont have to belong to anything, the gardens are listed county by county and mostly open on a sunday . Always check on the counties both sides as sometimes a garden in the next county can be nearer that the next one in the county you are in. They cost around £5 to visit and if you see the symbols a cup and saucer , that means they have refreshments too and the best bit is if there is a picture of a flower it means plants for sale!!!! The best way is to have some strong bags, carry change like £5 and £2 £! coins , so you will be popular with the stall holder when all the others want to give a £20 note or use their card which wont work etc. You will have some lovely times meet lots of other keen gardeners and dont forget to walk one way round the garden and then turn round and walk the other way, because the background will be different when you turn round. When things are bad you cant beat, sitting up in bed looking up more gardens you are going to see. Every good wish that your life improves however it does. Dont forget, find a garden get up early take the car with a picnic and coffe with you on sunday and dont say where you are going. He will get quite a shock, but you are just doing exactly what he has done, you are pleasing yourself and not letting housework stop you. GO for it and maybe we will meet at a garden one day.

I would find no reason to complain if money is coming in that will pay for the jobs I do not want to / can't do.
Different ball game if its just his company you want although I am sure there are many ways open to you for meeting people.
Leaving him a note 'dinner in fridge just needs warming up'

well said fuseta its all about expectations tbh i didnt have any when i retired 4 years ago because i knew what was going to happen and sure enough husband lays down watching tv 18 hours a day his weight has ballooned by 3 stone and now has breathing problems(what a surprise) but i on the other hand walk our dog every day he doesn't want to come have asked times ive got to know so many doggy people,i also meet a friend once a week for coffee and have just enjoyed a weekend with other friends in london i dont iron any more i do like the house clean and only cook if i feel like it or its a take a way we watch tv together at night and im quite happy with this life now

To: madeleine45
Your replies are too loong to read ?.

Find interests of your own, pay for help in the house and garden and this issue will disappear. You will both have more to talk about when you do get together. It is not the responsibility of anyone to be totally responsible for the happiness of another grown up fully functioning adult.
No one likes a martyr. If older men retire without a clear function and purpose they die.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. Recently three people whom I know fairly well have lost their husbands. When these men were alive they could never please their wives and they were the subject of lots of moaning about. Now they are dead I cannot believe the the volte face of the wives who are suddenly professional widows and broken hearted at their respective losses. Don't become like them.
You sound like an intelligent woman. Do whatever you choose. Tell your husband how much you love him every day. You fell in love with him. You seem to have forgotten that. Are you still the person he fell in love with?

Sawsage2

To: madeleine45
Your replies are too loong to read ?.

Give it a go, sawsage. It's actually quite interesting.

What does AIBU stand for please?

Aibu= am I being unreasonable

Yabu = you are being unreasonable
Yanbu = you are it unreasonable

You are not unreasonable - autocorrect fail!

Sorry Baggs, life's too short.

madeleine I agree with sawsage. However as an interim measure, could you divide your text into paragraphs.

And you a teacher - I deduce. You should know all about the importance of making any text you write easy for students to assimilate.

I love my youngest stepson dearly, but when he was taking me for granted I would go on strike. No rows or similar. I would just inform him that if he didn’t buck up his ideas (usually around his room being a cess pit and him generally taking me for granted) that I would be going on strike. Usually I found that after 2 or 3 days of not providing meals or being a taxi service would lead to an attitude adjustment. My Stepson was in his teens and twenties at the time, he is far more considerate these days. Your husband is a full grown man, it sounds like he needs reminding of this fact.

This looks like financial abuse and it is clear your H is treating you as a servant, not as an equal companion. Divorce him and get half of everything. How could it be worse than your current situation?

Margomar
I think your DH is being really unfair. It’d be one thing if he was sharing his earnings with you so you enjoyed a better lifestyle, but it sounds like he’s using you basically as an unpaid servant. It’s really not on! If he wants to carry on working he should be paying for a cleaner etc, No way it should have to come out of your pension!
What is he actually saving the money for ? He can’t take it with him !
You said you had a big argument about this? Did he not see any points you were making at all? What was his response to you about your complaints ? Has he always been mean with money ?

It's not his private funds half of it is your money.

I feel fortunate. DH is the antithesis of OP's. He is nearly 80 and still working but now down to only a couple of hours a week. When we married I knew I was marrying someone whose work constantly took them away from home, often at short notice, so I became the Family Manager, handling domestic matters, Finance, house moves - and still do.

But both DH and I have always seen any money coming into the house as a joint asset, whether earnings, inheritance, or anything else and we have enoyed it. DH is an engineer, at home and at work and we have the house we have because of his DIY skills and some of his recent earnings have paid for our new extension, family holidays and lots of things that have been of real benefit to us and our children and grandchildren.

I have always seen my work as Family Manager as being as much a contribution towards his extra earnings as if i was working alongside him, because the family management I do, enables him to do the work he does.

M0nica

The problem here is not your husband's working, but his shear selfishness in running his life in a way that satisfies him withour any regard to you. You as a person, your needs, your life are entirely subservient to his. If he stopped work today, he would have signed himself up to something else by Monday. The only thing he is interested in is himself. Other people do not count.

The problem isn't the work. It is him. The fact that he keeps all his extra money for himself (but doesn't seem to spend it) and sees no reason to share it, for me would be the last nail that shows he is irrevocably self cented and interested in no one but himself.

Rows never help. If you want to save your relationship I suggest a course of counselling with Relate, if he will agree.

If not, I am sure you will be much happier apart. Every penny he has earned, especially since retirement has been because you have run every other aspect of his life. You have earned the extra money, just as much as he has and are entitled to your share.

... I think you've nailed it M0nica.

Good post, wise words.

M0nica Agree... It has to be about an equal partnership..that does not necessarily both earning/ working but recognising the equal contributions each partner makes to living a contented life together.
As long as the 'earner' respects & values the "family manager" role as equal to the financial provision it is a good recipe. Sadly not all earners see it that way. Also, in the retirement of the earner that should not mean they rely on the family manager to continue at the same pace! Relationships need to evolve to meet the changing situations... communication is everything!