A.i.b.u to not give adult child advice

This is a subject close to home. My adult sons, ages 34 aand 32 think I am a bottomless pit of money. Whilst I am happy to help when necessary - there is a feeling of 'You have to help yourself too'
At their ages they do need to 'adult' more than they do.
Example. My son, 32 is about to relocate for work - he currently rents.
I have paid the deposit and the first months rent on the proviso that he pays me back. The move is 200 miles away and his older brother has offered to help after some not so gentle persuasion from me as they dont really talk to one another.
It will cost quite a bit in fuel costs etc to complete the move. His older brother has the appropriate transport and will fill up with fuel that I will reimburse
My sons contribution to HIS move is to get a 150 quid tattoo and a 200 quid parrot.
I believe we have a generation of entitlement
And yes.. I am hearing you say, 'more fool you' and youd be right of course.

Me eight!

So, your D has been living with you for £160 per month and hasn't paid any board for 3 weeks; is that right Teasandsympathy?

You said you would give her a £500 gift to help her out so if it were me, I would deduct what's owed for her board and give her the balance.

Me too !

I think that if you promise something, you must deliver, not change your mind later. That undermines trust and will fester, to be thrown at you farin the future.

Give her the money, make it plain to her that there will be none to follow and that if she gets into a muddle and in debt, she has o find her own way out of it. And you need to grit your teeth and make a promise to yourself, that no matter how much of a mess she gets herself into financially, you will stand by your promise to leave her to sort it out for herself.

My children had to learn that if they got in a mess they had to get themselves out of it. Admittedly they made their mistakes in their first year at university, and we did help them sort their lives out, but every penny we gave them was as a loan and we kept them to the repayment schedule.

Mind you, one of my own DC was a nightmare to get any rent out of after he 'boomeranged' back. He would throw a tantrum when pressed for it, or if asked for help, for example, with the washing up, and he never cooked, or cleaned his room.

He met his now wife ten years ago, and changed almost over night. It's hard now to imagine that he is the same person.

In other words, there is always hope!

sodapop

I agree that giving her the £500 you promised is the right thing to do Teaandsympathy. However once that is done you need to make it clear to your daughter that you cannot offer any more. If things do fail when she moves out then you need to tell her that there will be no more token charges if she stays with you. Next time will be the market rate for bed and board and don't give in to emotional blackmail.

I agree totally with this.

It's essential that all this is made clear to DD now, so that she knows exactly where she stands if/when she wants to move back in the future.

I agree that giving her the £500 you promised is the right thing to do Teaandsympathy. However once that is done you need to make it clear to your daughter that you cannot offer any more. If things do fail when she moves out then you need to tell her that there will be no more token charges if she stays with you. Next time will be the market rate for bed and board and don't give in to emotional blackmail.

Teaandsympathy

I will not go back on the £500 - i am just concerned she will be wanting more. The biggest concern is that she can not pay any bills because she refuses to try and i end up with a non paying depressed lodger again , resentful of a token board charge and resentful of me!

Regarding more, just say no, no matter what.

I know it's hard with our own children, but she has to learn, unless you are quite literally prepared to bankroll her for the rest of your life.

I will not go back on the £500 - i am just concerned she will be wanting more. The biggest concern is that she can not pay any bills because she refuses to try and i end up with a non paying depressed lodger again , resentful of a token board charge and resentful of me!

As a seventeen year-old back in 1978, paying £10 a week (about a third of my take-home pay) to my mum towards my keep, and despite paying for all my clothes, transport, lunches and social life out of the rest, I still managed to save over £300 in eight months.
I think DD needs a reality check!

Don't talk about wasting money Teaandsympathy, put a positive spin on it as to how she can spend what she will have left after bills. Will they go 50/50 on the bills, food, petrol? She's just scared and clueless.

If she didn’t pay you much to live with you, she probably has no idea what it costs to live day to day.
I think she is in for a shock.

Yes she refuses to discuss wasting money, will momentarily entertain the idea of cutbacks when she is brasic but haughty about it all . Entitled, but we did not design her that way.

I have said whenever i have offered advice, to get advice from smarter than me, to learn on money saving sites, but she has no interest. She will shout me down if on the odd occasion i hint to stash her cash. I only ever mention when i think i can not tolerate at all any more.

me seven

I think you should absolutely give her the £500.
You promised it.

Me six

Having a social life, going out, clubbing, etc is very expensive

What is her social life like?

Notgran, that’s a bit harsh. A ‘cheap’ meal and a couple of drinks soon mounts up, especially if she’s using an Uber to get home. Then there’s getting your nails done, having your highlights sorted and a new top - months salary gone.

Me five..

Me four.

Me three!

Me too!

imaround

You honor your promise to give her 500, smile and say how happy you are for her. If she comes back and asks for more, you say no. You do not nag or ask what she spent her money on. Just say I am sorry, I am unable to offer you any more money.

This way, you are not interfering or being judgmental but still letting her know that you are not going to bail her out.

That is exactly what I would suggest as well.

You honor your promise to give her 500, smile and say how happy you are for her. If she comes back and asks for more, you say no. You do not nag or ask what she spent her money on. Just say I am sorry, I am unable to offer you any more money.

This way, you are not interfering or being judgmental but still letting her know that you are not going to bail her out.