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AIBU

A.i.b.u to not give adult child advice

(88 Posts)
Teaandsympathy Mon 04-Apr-22 16:27:32

Just found out that after 12 months of 23 year old living at home resentfully, paying little board, she has not even saved the £ £1400 to cover rent and deposit for a rented flat. We had told her we would give her £500 as a giftto help out but even at that she only has £800 in bank, so a shortfall of £100 and no money for 3 weeks .

She has no offspring, no bills other than phone contract and paid £160 board a month. Her wage was 1200 per month after tax for the 18 months. She will be depending on boyfriend's family to just pay his share of deposit and rent. So for my uncontrollable question of , "is that all you have in your bank" i got told that its none of my business and that i do not listen , phone slammed on me and i ruined her good news that contract going ahead.

Shall i go ahead with the £500 and shut mouth or mind my business and am i being incredibly unreasonable to even show interest with her funds?

JaneJudge Mon 04-Apr-22 16:30:09

to be honest if she is 23yo I would just smile and wave her goodbye and be thankful her boyfriends family can top up the deposit. Reality will soon hit home was she has responsibilities and is no longer living with mum and dad

Oopsadaisy1 Mon 04-Apr-22 16:31:20

Well you told her you would give her £500 so I feel that you have to.
You would have been better to have charged her a decent rate for staying at home and handing it back to her when she left.

Doesn’t bode well for the future, although maybe when she actually has to save to pay for her outgoings she will surprise you.

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 04-Apr-22 16:33:56

Am I understanding this correctly? She has a flat to move to, but will now have a £100 shortfall?

I would still give her the £500, because you’re honouring your agreement. How she finds the rest is up to her.

Lessons need to be learned before children arrive.

Hope it goes well.

anna7 Mon 04-Apr-22 16:33:57

I would say nothing and wait for her to mention the £500 first. If she is apologetic and has some sort of plan I might (only might) think about giving her the money but if not I would let her sort it out herself. I would not be offering any money in the future. Time to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility.

Soroptimum Mon 04-Apr-22 16:35:54

What on earth has she been spending her money on??

Nickee Mon 04-Apr-22 16:36:45

Ooee maybe instead of saying is that all you'e got, you could have said she might need to rethink her spending. If the 500 is promised then I think you need to give it to her and grumble in a corner.

Hithere Mon 04-Apr-22 16:37:32

She needs to adult - you are enabling her

As long as you covet her expenses, she won't see the need to do so herself

Tell her she needs to move out in x weeks and mean it.

Teaandsympathy Mon 04-Apr-22 16:39:45

Soroptimum I dread to think. Pub, online shopping, taxis takeaways is what iknow of.

Hithere Mon 04-Apr-22 16:40:13

No, I would not give her the money now
Once she shows more responsibility and there is a good reason for that, sure

Soroptimum Mon 04-Apr-22 16:41:17

Teaandsympathy

Soroptimum I dread to think. Pub, online shopping, taxis takeaways is what iknow of.

Oh dear! She’s going to have a steep learning curve to make ends meet.

notgran Mon 04-Apr-22 17:50:15

Soroptimum

What on earth has she been spending her money on??

I would certainly be very curious about that. Has she or her boyfriend got a drug or gambling habit?

Shandy57 Mon 04-Apr-22 17:59:00

I was always terrible with money too, she needs your help. Like me it sounds as though she's never learnt to manage her money, or budget.

I would sit down with her and make a list of the outgoings she is going to have to pay once she is renting so she can see what she has left to spend on food etc.

She might have to make some changes, ie buy a 16-25 rail card if she uses the train, take her lunch to work, change her phone contract, etc. She needs your help to understand that she has to make changes to enjoy her independence.

imaround Mon 04-Apr-22 18:09:44

You honor your promise to give her 500, smile and say how happy you are for her. If she comes back and asks for more, you say no. You do not nag or ask what she spent her money on. Just say I am sorry, I am unable to offer you any more money.

This way, you are not interfering or being judgmental but still letting her know that you are not going to bail her out.

Madgran77 Mon 04-Apr-22 18:13:30

imaround

You honor your promise to give her 500, smile and say how happy you are for her. If she comes back and asks for more, you say no. You do not nag or ask what she spent her money on. Just say I am sorry, I am unable to offer you any more money.

This way, you are not interfering or being judgmental but still letting her know that you are not going to bail her out.

That is exactly what I would suggest as well.

eazybee Mon 04-Apr-22 18:22:25

Me too!

CanadianGran Mon 04-Apr-22 18:28:37

Me three!

nandad Mon 04-Apr-22 18:34:23

Me four.

crazyH Mon 04-Apr-22 18:37:47

Me five..

nandad Mon 04-Apr-22 18:37:49

Notgran, that’s a bit harsh. A ‘cheap’ meal and a couple of drinks soon mounts up, especially if she’s using an Uber to get home. Then there’s getting your nails done, having your highlights sorted and a new top - months salary gone.

Hithere Mon 04-Apr-22 18:40:58

Having a social life, going out, clubbing, etc is very expensive

What is her social life like?

Oldnproud Mon 04-Apr-22 18:41:51

Me six

snowberryZ Mon 04-Apr-22 18:42:55

I think you should absolutely give her the £500.
You promised it.

karmalady Mon 04-Apr-22 18:51:19

me seven

Teaandsympathy Mon 04-Apr-22 18:54:30

Yes she refuses to discuss wasting money, will momentarily entertain the idea of cutbacks when she is brasic but haughty about it all . Entitled, but we did not design her that way.

I have said whenever i have offered advice, to get advice from smarter than me, to learn on money saving sites, but she has no interest. She will shout me down if on the odd occasion i hint to stash her cash. I only ever mention when i think i can not tolerate at all any more.