A.i.b.u to not give adult child advice

No one ever helped me when I was messing stuff up from 16 to 50, not once did my mum or any of my friends ever sit me down and give me any help or advice so I would offer once you’ve both had a few days to step back from the anger to help go through things and see how far off her deposit she realistically is.
I so wish someone had sat me down and told me a few home truths….even though I know I’d have tried to be cool and shrugged it off, it would have helped

She is 23. She doesn’t need to be dictated to and questioned on her spending. She has saved some by living at home so you have helped her in that respect. Give her the money you promised and let her go. You will then enable her to stand on her own two feet and learn what it is to be a responsible adult. I wouldn’t bail her out in future however.

Riggie, we charged a reasonable amount and then put it away so that we could give it back when the said child left home. The only one of mine, who has struggled enormously with debt, left at 18 to live with her grandmother for several years. She was allowed to keep all of her very generous pay, had debts paid off when she still managed to overspend and was just hopeless with money. She always had to have the best of everything. She learned her lesson many years later when she wracked up £30,000 of debt and nobody would bail her out. She still struggles but hopefully it is a lesson well learned.

I'd give her the money she needs , £500 and the shortfall just to say au revoir and goodbye.
She'll soon have to learn how to budget when she's not living at home with you and once she moves out she's no longer your responsibility. I know she shouldn't be but when adult children still live in the family home it still feels like they are , to us and them .
I've got too adult sons living here , they pay rent and save but also spend spend spend .
I love them , but I do wish they could afford to leave ?

While I understand the reasoning behind the "token board" that she has been paying you, I don't think it has done her any favours. I assume she has got used to a nice heated home with mod cons and her meals provided for a small sum, and has no concept of how much renting her flat will cost. I rather like the idea that parents should take a reasonable amount of noard and then save it for her if you don't need it. I used to pay board to my parents feom my benefits when I was young and unemployed but Mum would often slip it back to me if she knew I needed something like new shoes. But she also knew I rarely went out and wasn't frittered away what I had left!!

I'd give the £500 already promised - I assume as a gift. But if she wants more in the future and you want to help then perhaps a loan.

My daughter had to deal with a rather horrible problem - one of the male tenants allowed his girlfriend to move in early too. She refused to pay her share of the 'early' water bill and my daughter had to be very assertive. Kids!

Shandy57, I was also impressed by the collaboration by the members of the house. My son has just taken on his third tenancy agreement and they have set up WhatsApp groups and are sharing out responsibilities. We are no longer part of the advice team.

I do think going to Uni helps. My daughter moved into her Uni house earlier than the others, and had to deal with several utility companies before they moved in.

My son went through this sudden growing up phase in his second year of University when he went into a house share. He found he was the one one who had to sort out all the utility suppliers, etc. I introduced him to Top Cashback which gave him a little extra. He didn't draw the money until the end of the year which always gave him a little comfort cushion for unexpected bills. Although he is good natured, there were times when he found all the information we were giving him a little overwhelming so we stepped back, let him research and he just ran things by us if there was a problem.
I would offer to help with a list of things to do if your daughter wants one but I wouldn't presume to just hand her one because that suggests that you assume your daughter doesn't know these things. It may be that she and her boyfriend have discussed all this and don't need your input.

Yes, I'd give her the 500 as promised but would find a good link to say, Martin's Money Tips and send it after she's gone with a message saying something like "I found this helpful, maybe you might be interested". Then I'd sigh a big sigh of relief that she's gone!
If you are concerned about her knowledge of bills you could ask her if it would be useful to have a list of who to notify of her change of address? My daughter would have accepted this kind of help so I then wouldn't mention it again. I'd start a list with things that matter to her - eg driving license and phone and put council and utilities in the middle!

Good luck.
It will be lovely to have your home back!

but she doesn't want any advice. so don't give it.

She is goiNg to need to sit down and right a list of all the flat outgoings. Does she even know about Council Tax? The energy bills will be high. Luckily she is sharing with her boyfriend but you wouldn’t want her getting into arrears or even debt with pay day loans. A girl that age will be spending a great deal of money on herself, clothes, nails, hair etc none of which will be possible on a low wage if she wants to live independently. Encourage her and give her confidence, it’s a learning curve and a fast way to grow up,

Keeping a promise she made is not allowing daughter to bully her.

Nanatoone

Some tough Mamas here! We have always helped our children, now in their thirties with lovely homes of their own, there is no need. The only thing I don’t like is the rudeness when you enquire but that’s a lesson she does need to learn. She is probably going into this with eyes closed. I would dig my children put of a financial mess if I could as long as they were honest about it. I can’t believe the meanness of a few of the answers though. It’s a very different world to the one most of us grew up in.

Me too.

As you hand over the £500 as promised, tell her how sorry you are that you can not afford to give her any more than that. If she asks for a top up, you can remind her that the 500 was it.

Only give advice if you ask for it. At your daughter's age if she hasn't already cut the apron strings, she won't realise what a font of wisdom you are; hopefully that will come later when she actually experiences life.
I would be inclined to give her the amount she has been offered on the grounds that it is what you agreed to. Once you've given her that, be very clear that you will not be handing out money again. Stand firm when she falls flat on her face because otherwise you will be bailing her out forever.
Incidentally, my son was hopeless with money whilst living at home. He became much better at handling it all when the roof over his head depended on it. I was similar but I would have died sooner than go back to my Mum and ask for help so I learned too.

I’m a bit confused by this post. Am I correct in thinking that the DD needed to have £1400 in order to enter into a flat share with her boyfriend? And that the OP had promised to put £500 towards this deposit? In which case she was only £100 short of the amount agreed. The DD probably thinks she has done really well saving this money ! I expect this is why she is annoyed ( and has been rude ) to her DM. AT 23 years of age, in a relationship, no responsibilities, they have certainly been having a good time before ‘ settling down ‘. I definitely think the DM should have charged a more realistic rent, but that option has passed now. Please give the £500 you promised, as I think DD did keep her side of the bargain. It was just way too low an amount.They are about to experience ‘ real life ‘ with rent and bills to pay very soon. I’m sure they will have discussed budgeting and if they haven’t, they very soon will! I also suspect they won’t want to hear too much advice either ! I hope it goes well for all concerned, at the very least you will have your home back !

I agree with going through her budget, she definitely needs help.

I'm sure most people on here will agree that we are all older and wiser, and learning through your mistakes isn't always the best course.

I'd hold onto the £500 until she specifically asks you for it and I'd then tell her that she needs to go through a budget with you before you're prepared to hand it over.
I'd have a list of all the bills you have to pay written down and show it to her as an example for her to list her own expected living costs alongside, so that she can see just how expensive running a home actually is.
I agree with a pp who said to give the £500 directly to her landlord.
Oh, DON'T co-sign the lease on her flat.

The £500 should have been conditional on her providing the other £800.

You promised the cash towards the deposit. Set a good example & honour that.
If the £160 a month was agreed so she could save £300-£500 per month for her contribution to the deposit I can see why you are cross / disappointed in her. If it is what you hoped she would do..well you can still be disappointed but not cross.
She will learn, once she is buying her own washing powder etc, & the gas bill, rates etc. need paying, that there are choices to be made where money is concerned! I wish her well!

Sounds like a bargain for your £500, sadly.

Reality will soon hit home when your DD is fending for herself.

Sounds just like my granddaughter with her mother. I would give her the £600 if you can afford it but then say no more and mean it.

Until she apologise I wouldn’t give her anything. Unfortunately your little princess is about to get a shape shock of what living in the real world is like.

I knew a 23yr old pregnant with their fourth child, who was widowed when her 25yr old husband died in an accident. They had their own house bought before rampant inflation so with a manageable mortgage repayment. She had no one to help her financially and the pitiful compensation she received were literally eaten by the children. Paying for their food and the only things she refused to get from charity shops...... underwear and shoes.
So tell that 23 yr old self centred little daughter of yours to whistle for financial assistance until it is Truly needed. By not helping herself when there was no reason except her selfishness for saving more money, then she has proved herself not the type to deserve financial help. Let her grow up more and earn your respect first.