Feeling inconsequential.

Daftbag1

Moaning turtle, I understand EXACTLY how you feel, really let down and disappointed. In my opinion your feelings are normal, and I would guess that more than half of us would feel the same in your shoes.

I haven't got any clever suggestions, or solutions, but I don't think it's actually anything to do with you, you've not done anything wrong, it's the problem of many younger generations. I doubt they have a clue how upset their behaviour has made you.

Agree 100%

Can't help wondering if any effort was put into making time and a relationship with DIL before they produced grandchildren I suspect not

Hithere I so wish anyone had given me tickets and offered to babysit…

I think if the two sisters-in-law were trying to meet up that was probably already a rather awkward social duty. The wives of two men are clearly attempting to try to create a cousin bond for their children when the fathers,actual brothers, aren’t bothered. The sons of the OP also aren’t putting themselves out to visit the OP and it’s during those visits that the grandchildren would naturally come over.

I really liked and respected my sister in law and we developed a relationship but only because our husbands are brothers. Otherwise we would never have arranged play dates with each other. And we brought the children to see my in laws (six hours away) because my husband wanted to see them. I was not a grandchild delivery service.

MorningTurtle, if you lower your expectations, you will not get disappointed nor hurt. Your daughter in law has a lot on her plate, just returned from abroad, trying to settle in with a husband who you tells us cannot take responsibility for family matters and perhaps more. No wonder she is glad of a bit of extra time. She wanted her son to play with a cousin, so the ladies could talk not to sit around whilst you gave your GS your full attention. Fully understandable to me, so yes I think you are being unreasonable about being disappointed.

Yes, I think you are right Highthere - I was one of those parents who would have seen it as "non help" and unwanted pressure to leave my children with relatives. In my case I would also have read it as judgemental of my choice of parenting "style".
I would be wary of offering "time on your own", personally.

I hope they can arrange another "play-date" and this time it works well for you all. That would be a win-win.

As for the suggestions of helping dil by giving dil time on her own for an appointment, hairdresser, etc - I am afraid some parent may see that as non help and pressure to live their kids with relatives

Please let dil or son ask for that help- then it is very much appreciated

It is like grandparents given theater tickets for both parents and they offer themselves as babysitters - it can be seen as gift with strings (conditions)

I imagine it could have been a primary visit with a minor dual purpose - playdate while grandma can see the kids at the same time - a two birds with one stone kind of situation

Moaning turtle, I understand EXACTLY how you feel, really let down and disappointed. In my opinion your feelings are normal, and I would guess that more than half of us would feel the same in your shoes.

I haven't got any clever suggestions, or solutions, but I don't think it's actually anything to do with you, you've not done anything wrong, it's the problem of many younger generations. I doubt they have a clue how upset their behaviour has made you.

If parents prioritise what is best for their kids and not a third party they shouldn't presume to use that third party's premises for their kid's social activities. Sorry OP but this smacks of your dils using you and not giving a fig for your feelings and that is definitely not ok, I don't care how busy they are.

Sounds like it was more a play date for your GC not really a visit to you. Invite them individually if you want to catch up or offer to babysit if you want to be involved.

I am interested to read the posts on here. I have two daughters and a son. My elder girl has four children (one a stepdaughter who lives with my daughter and her father). They live very near me and I am very involved with looking after them as my dd works part time. Also over there a lot for sheer fun as we all get on well.! Very grateful as I am divorced and on my own now. Second dd is single, very busy but I see her weekly and her fur baby (dog!) stays over regularly. My son has just bought a house with his girlfriend. They do plan to have children when they marry and I do hope I can have the same relaxed and happy relationship with their family when it comes to pass! I have been told (half jokingly!) that I will have to play a large part in their children's lives as the gf’s mother does not like children and does not intend to get much involved. This is borne out by the fact she rarely sees the grandchildren she already has and does not have much of a relationship with them. I find it sad when children/parents go their own way and forget how much joy a close family can bring. It must be very isolating and I think does affect society at large negatively. We have our ups and downs, of course, and our squabbles. But we don’t forget each other and when I and my ex, their Dad who’s also around a lot, are gone, I hope my children and their families remain close.

It seems they were just using your house as the venue for a ‘cousins’ play date rather than thinking of it as a visit to come & see you which has understandably hurt your feelings.
You were looking forward to seeing them so it’s natural to feel disappointed. Perhaps they will rearrange the visit for another time. Enjoy your day anyway, hopefully in the sunshine doing whatever you want to do.

Can’t they just drop the children off with you for an hour or so? I’m sure they’d love a bit of peace

Difficult - if the object was for the cousins to play together, then it makes sense for the other family to cancel till another time.

I honestly do not think that some AC realise how precious these moments with GC are for us - I am sure that would respond differently if they knew - but we do not like to explain this to them in case we appear needy! - Catch 22 here.

Please do not assume any hurt intended by DIL. We are in some measure "inconsequential" to their lives - we have to accept this with a good grace I think; just as, to be honest, my parents had to when mine were young.

look at it from DIL point of view.
for her it's another chore that she would rather avoid if possible, esp if the other DIL is not there, so she's not got someone to talk to of her own generation, and the other child is not there, so the whole purpose of the playdate disappears.
i can sympathise that you feel disappointed, but i think you need to accept the reality; that you want to see them more than they want to see you.
their lives are full and busy and active.
the chance of doing almost nothing for a change is appealing.
it's not any enmity to you. your house is just not enough of a pull to make unnecessary effort to go.
there is an undercurrent of disapproval in your post; as if DIL ought to come anyway.
that kind of thinking will make you unhappy and could lead to seeing even less of them.

If you make a wonderful meal, they will come. Not having to cook is a real treat for moms with little kids. It worked for me.

Would you like to be a granny to mine. One side done seem interested at all. My mom is on her own and at 70 is working full time. We see her most weekends as she’s a mile or so away but I’d love some time on my own. Even an hour would be amazing.

I guess we are all different in our priorities and expectations. Maybe if my mom wasn’t alone I maybe wouldn’t see her so much. Maybe she would offer to look after mine alone for an hour or so. Who knows?

Good advice, kwest.

OP, it's possible that your frequent declarations of love and wishes to see your GDS could come across as a bit overbearing so your DiL hoped to dilute that by having others there too.
We can't really know.

I hope you feel less sad now and ready to move forward.

Don't let your thoughts drift into how hurt you feel. There lies heartache. Just find ways of developing your free time and make friends via your activities. It is not what you wanted to hear I know, but protect yourself and your heart. Expect absolutely nothing and then anything will be a bonus. xxxx

I am sorry bc it’s so difficult, I have 4 daughters and 1 son. I never see my son or his family, my DIl never wanted him or their family to have a relationship with me, it still breaks my heart that I never see my two grandchildren. I see one daughter and her girls once a week, I collect them from school once a week.
I don’t see one daughter (she works full time and has very busy social life) we only see each other on special occasions like birthday. The other daughter who has two little girls, who I would love to see more but she also works full time and is always busy at weekends.
I think life is just so different now with working patterns and social lives that it’s difficult for them to fit me in. I do ask a lot if I can babysit/go round to their homes etc but to no avail. It is soooo hurtful and I find it so upsetting that I have to accept such situation but I will keep trying! I love them all very much

Goldbeater1

I’ve not been on this forum long, so maybe I’ve misinterpreted some of the posts, but ... I’ve been quite shocked at the way some people respond on here. I’ve read some quite brusque responses that don’t seem to take any account of the fact that the OP is feeling sad / annoyed and is presumably wanting helpful insights? Surely the main purpose of a forum like this is to support each other? It’s perfectly possible to be honest and quite frank, without replying in a way that might make the original poster feel more, not less unhappy.

I know what you mean, but sometimes we can’t say what the OP wants to hear. That doesn’t help her ( or him ), ultimately.
If we all just agreed...all the time, there would be no food for thought, or progress.

I’m sure most people want to help....no matter how insensitive their posts appear.

To be taken for granted is very hurtful. I think younger people believe that us older ones won't mind. They don't even think that we will be disappointed. Text or phone both mums and ask would same time next week or following week suit as you and Grandpa would just love to see you all. Good luck!

Turtle, it's reasonable to feel disappointed in the circumstances. I'd feel disappointed if two people broke off an engagement as if my feelings did not matter.

It's regrettable that the older generation is not esteemed as it once was but such is the case.

I’ve not been on this forum long, so maybe I’ve misinterpreted some of the posts, but ... I’ve been quite shocked at the way some people respond on here. I’ve read some quite brusque responses that don’t seem to take any account of the fact that the OP is feeling sad / annoyed and is presumably wanting helpful insights? Surely the main purpose of a forum like this is to support each other? It’s perfectly possible to be honest and quite frank, without replying in a way that might make the original poster feel more, not less unhappy.