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Am I being over sensitive to feel no more important than a kitchen appliance

(93 Posts)
hamster58 Thu 28-Jul-22 08:27:22

My husband and I are mid-late 60s. Yesterday we were watching a tv drama where a recently bereaved man was advised to remove his wedding ring by a counsellor and ‘let her go’. My husband thought this was ok whereas I thought it was up to the person and certainly not necessary unless you were looking to replace that person. Our chat continued and my husband said he didn’t know what he would do if I wasn’t here as people get lonely. I do understand that and accept we’re all different and ‘love’ differently. I have nothing against finding a new partner but felt my husband was implying a partner could easily be replaced if you’re on your own. This hurt me a lot as I feel the pain of losing a partner would last a long time and replacing them fully for me is not on the cards. So…am I being over sensitive feeling no more important to him than an appliance to be replaced..,

Allsorts Mon 01-Aug-22 17:08:17

The truth is few men like living on their own once married. No one knows how they would feel if it happened to them. I did, never wanted anyone else, it’s been very lonely at times.

karmalady Mon 01-Aug-22 17:09:11


I wouldn't mind my husband moving on eventually. I would want him to not be lonely.
I think its rhe speed of the moving on I have issue with, coupled with all the lonely old women out there, ready to pounce and make a move , even before his wife's body is cold.
As you can see from my previous post, I have seen evidence of this happening unfortunately

oh no, most widowed older women set out to make a life by themselves, especially those who have had a good marriage. They will not be a carer for some old man, who may marry to get a carer on the cheap

If anyone targets an old widower, then it would likely be a younger gold digger

TanaMa Mon 01-Aug-22 17:23:10

Married very young, together 59 years, he died suddenly 23 years ago. We had discussed this situation, in a jovial manner but didn't really come to a decision. I am still alone by choice, never having met anyone I would want to live with. So many older men seem to be looking for 'arm candy' and someone to look after them! Maybe I was unlucky. Howe er I do still enkoy

grannyro Mon 01-Aug-22 18:28:44

It is actually a bit of a compliment to you, it seems that if people have been happily married they are keen to marry again so he must be very happy with you!

Juggernaut Mon 01-Aug-22 18:34:11

My FiL was chatted up by another woman at his wife's funeral, and he responded in kind!
As it turned out, this woman and her family were just gold digging b*****ds, which I suspected from the start.
However, FiL was a very accomplished liar, a narcissist of the first order, and a truly vicious, horrible person. He was flattered by the attention from this woman and her family, and for the following nineteen years, had a relationship with the scumbags, all the while keeping it a secret from us, his family!
We knew about 'the woman', but he never once mentioned her family, so when she died we thought that was an end to his silliness.
It was only after he died last November that we found out about this family and how they'd used him. Over the nineteen years, he'd spent about twenty thousand pounds on them. He bought jewellery for the woman, and when she died, transferred his affections to her AC. He'd even made one of them joint executor (alongside my DH) in his Will. It was only when my DH saw a copy of the Will that he found out that these people existed, FiL was so devious, we had no idea about them.
We know that it was entirely FiL's business who he made executors, but our DS, his only GC, is a Solicitor, with Wills and Probate being his speciality. Therefore it was a tad weird that FiL would choose a 'nobody' rather than his own GS.
My DH was utterly heartbroken, finding out that his DF had lied to him and manipulated him for nineteen years, and had left thousands of pounds to these money grabbing scumbags.
We managed to get the person named as joint executor to renounce his position, leaving my DH as sole executor, which is how it should have been in the first place.
So, DH and I have come to the conclusion that women mourn their partners, men replace them, or rather some men do.
I've got to do this, just in case any of the gold digging B******s are reading this.....I want them to know that we are now aware of exactly who they are, and what unscrupulous people they are.
The woman was KH, her family are R&MW, P&PH, and L&JF.
MW is the person named as joint executor.
Not one of those people even had the courtesy to send my DH a Sympathy card when his DF died. Oh, and they claim to have met my DH on several occasions, which is an out and out lie, if he'd met them he'd have been aware of their existence wouldn't he!
So, keep an eye on any elderly widowed parents, whatever gender they may be, it's all too easy for them to fall prey to con artists!

hamster58 Mon 01-Aug-22 19:26:01

Hello again everyone. My thread seems to have popped into the daily email hence lots more replies. I so enjoyed and appreciate all your comments, some funny some comforting and some quite shocking! To those hurt by something that’s happened in your world, I’m sorry for you. And as some have said about my original post, I’ll never know what happens if I go first anyway so why worry. Take care everyone

Secretsquirrel1 Mon 01-Aug-22 19:43:37

Omg that’s charming lol ?
It also makes me laugh how however old men get they still seem to think they can pull as though they are in their twenties.
It reminds me of my uncle who lost my aunt when he was 95
My sister asked him what he thought my aunts advice would be re his living arrangements as he had never cooked for himself and was in heart failure. (His mind was sharp and didn’t have any dementia or anything)
But he quite seriously said
I reckon she’d want me to find some one else and settle down again ?
The last laugh was on us though as he went into a lovely posh nursing home and was practically the only man still alive and had several very elderly ladies in and out of his bedroom ?

happycatholicwife1 Mon 01-Aug-22 21:00:51

No one else for me. My husband and I agreed a long time ago that we were each other's soulmates, and there would be no one else. I feel like I am married to him for eternity, and I'm not interested, nor would I be, in anyone else. I know he feels the same way. We were both rather shocked when his brother lost his wife (whom he dearly loved), and was taking comfort from someone else very, very soon after her death. I don't understand how people who say they are happily married can do that. I've been courted. I don't need to be courted again. I find the idea kind of gross really.

Nanatoone Mon 01-Aug-22 21:08:14

My husband said he has always thought I’d go first. Not sure why because I’m nearly eight years younger but sadly cancer took him from me getting on for three years ago. I cannot imagine, at 65 now bothering with another relationship. I like being alone but have a busy life otherwise. I miss my love but often wonder what would have happened the other way round. He was a catch though but I find it hard to imagine him being “out there”. I don’t think you truly know until you are in the situation anyway.

GreyKnitter Mon 01-Aug-22 22:29:43

I’m the wife of a widower and find some of the comments above quite insensitive. People do what they believe to be right in the circumstances and if you loose a husband or wife, then it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t meet someone else to spend the rest of your life with. I met my husband only a few weeks after the death of his first wife - his instigation not mine! He was looking for someone to become friends with, a female who he could go for meals with, walks with etc. After a very short time we both realised that the relationship had the potential for something much deeper than friendship. It took a while for his daughter to accept me, but we all behaved like grown ups and after a time we married and became a blended family. I’m not their mother and never want to be and it’s the same for my husband and my children. We’re good friends and enjoy each other’s company but not their parents. We bought a house together about 6 months after we first met, married after 18 months and are both very happy. We’re all different and for us this felt right. As they say, life is for living and that’s just what we’re doing.

GreyKnitter Mon 01-Aug-22 22:39:09

Forgot to say that sorting our finances was one of the first things we did to reassure families that we weren’t gold digging! Wills were made and our finances were kept very transparent as we sold our separate properties to reassure everyone.

Saetana Tue 02-Aug-22 00:12:23

I lost my husband at Christmas - given his multiple health issues we discussed the idea of one or the other of us dying a number of times. We both agreed we would like the other to, eventually when the time was right, move on and find happiness elsewhere if possible. I am not wearing his ring because medication I am taking has made my fingers swell up but would be otherwise. I have no idea whether I will ever find happiness again with a new partner - but I do know my husband was supportive of the idea, if or when I feel ready.

GrauntyHelen Tue 02-Aug-22 01:35:58

I've told my DH if he even thinks about replacing me within two years of my death I will haunt him !

SaraC Tue 02-Aug-22 08:59:31

Shoot the Counsellor in the drama! Definitely not the role of a Counsellor to tell anyone to do anything!

Treetops05 Tue 02-Aug-22 14:08:16

If I outlive my husband I will not remarry, if he outlives me...I think we will marry again quite quickly. People are different, I'm looking forward to silence, and making my own choices on everything, whereas my husband would be lost without someone to over feed. We are all different and I'm sure your husband didn't mean to be hurtful - but wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same?

Caleo Tue 02-Aug-22 15:48:41

"Forgot to say that sorting our finances was one of the first things we did to reassure families that we weren’t gold digging! Wills were made and our finances were kept very transparent as we sold our separate properties to reassure everyone."

(Grey Knitter)

Excellent! Impossible to also make clever decisions but at least can do as GK advises.

muffinthemoo Wed 03-Aug-22 21:41:48

My granny used to tell a joke.

Why are wedding dresses white?
So that the bride matches the rest of the kitchen appliances.

I’m afraid to say I’ve come to understand the painful truth in that joke sad