Am I being over sensitive to feel no more important than a kitchen appliance

I’ve told my husband he’s had the best so leave the rest!

You are worrying about something that is theoretical so it isn't really important. What your husband thinks he'll feel if you go first (statistically that's less likely) may not be the case at all. So, sorry, yes, I think YABU but we can't always help our feelings which means you need to deal with them without giving your husband too much of a hard time.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I am over sensitive at the best of times, but wasn’t giving him a hard time. I just thought his comments trivialised a relationship. Within the comments they are clearly some situations where a man has moved on shockingly(to me) quickly and I feel for those upset by that….

Spot on Sago.
I never start conversations for that very reason.
The mind plays games you wish you hadnt started.

I’ve written my husband a letter to be opened in case of my death which encourages him to find somebody else to love once he’s over losing me.

When you're both sitting there discussing a movie, it's not real. His reply didn't take his emotions into consideration at all. It was said without the benefit of standing there looking into a future without you. Your touch around the house your shared memories that would come back to him time and again. It was an emotionless reply because you're sitting there looking fine. He can't imagine it any other way because he hasn't experienced it. It's all about empathy. It would hit him like a train if you weren't there. He just doesn't know it yet as it hasn't happened.

It would have been more romantic if he had said."I could never replace you, darling". It would have cost him nothing and earned him brownie points. If you die before him you will never experience what happens next. What is happening now is what is important and it seems like you are missing out on expressions of affection. My husband always says that if I die he will go into a monastery which doesn't suggest that marriage has been an experience he wants to repeat.

I think he's just being realistic... statistically he is likely to find another partner

i was widowed at 39 and still wear my wedding ring, i had another partner/companion for 18 years until he died last year, we both wore our wedding rings, we both knew this was not a relationship that would lead to getting wed, when he was dying last year i told him it was time to go back to his wife and promised him we could have a double date when it was my time to go. i see a lot of widow people that still wear there wedding rings. i think women find it easier than men to be on there own, some widowed men are still looking for someone to keep them company and look after them.

My husband has gone, I know he had my back and the left a massive void in my life. However, I am 100% sure if he had been the one left in this world, he will have moved on within the 2nd year. I am 100% sure he would not still be talking to my photo, he would not tend my grave weekly. Not that he didn’t love me but because he was a man and was far more clinical and less emotional about relationships than I am. Also, I am resilient, flexible, adaptable, and used to coping on my own. I am organised, I eat healthy, I work out, I keep and I don’t really need anyone. He was not really any of those things. While I am sure he could cook a healthy meal or clean the house he wouldn’t bother and he would see any point in being alone either he would see that as sentimental nonsense. I am also 100% sure he loved me and I would have left a void but he would still have moved on.
Women are socialised to invest more into relationships than men. Widows are far less likely to remarry than widowers. Women cope better and are more emotional about death and loss of a love one. As sexist as that sounds there’s lots of evidence to support it.
My late husband would have coped without a woman but the way he would have seen it is, why would I bother to life is too short.
Your husband is still with you, and you watched a film together then you both talked about it. I would focus on the way he is with you now, not about something that will not affect you anyway. ( No matter which one goes first)

This seems to be your interpretation of what he said and meant - maybe tell him how you felt about the conversation and ask him to explain what he meant by it, and maybe look with curiosity at why you had the reaction you had.
But to be honest I would concentrate on living in the here and now - rather than ruminating on what might happen in the future. Life is too short as it is … so enjoy the now - then whoever is left will have cherished memories of happy times.

It's ok maybe just chatting what you each maybe would do and feel, but until things actually happen you really don't know. Don't sit and think the worst and that you mean very little to him as it'll only make you unhappy, just enjoy your days together.

My ex-husband and father to my three older children died, as did my partner, the father of my youngest child. My love for neither of them died after their passing. I also found new love again. As human beings, we're capable of living many people during the course of our long lifetime. Time or death doesn't diminish that.

Totally agree with your comments pinkjj27. I divorced my husband many, many years ago and have not remarried, and I live on my own. Nevertheless, I do believe that most men are as you have pointed out (and that's not a criticism, just how it is).

My DD died 3 years ago. With the good relationship with SiL he spoke with me and DH to let us know he was going to "store" his wedding ring six months after daughter's death. We fully accepted this as one step for him not to be constantly reminded of his loss. Now DH died 9 weeks ago and I very recently thought about what I would do with rings. Having been married for 55 years don't think I can do anything other than keep wearing the rings given to me from someone I shared a huge part of my life with. Everyone is different and reasons for doing something are too.

Ah, I understand how you feel, and many a marital rift can occur after discussing something on TV! Please remember that your husband did say HE DID NOT KNOW how he would feel, and that's the truth. Men usually have far worse imagination than women. What you were wanting from him was a confirmation that you are special, loved and truly valued, I guess, and he - being a man - did not pick up that cue. Been there, done that... You cannot assess how your husband feels about you from that kind of discussion. And I must say, as a counsellor myself, I do not necessarily agree with the removal of the ring. It all depends where the bereaved person is in regard to their 'grief tasks' and many people want to honour the relationship they had with the deceased in that way. After all, the spouse is no longer there, but the experience of the marriage is, and it may be a positive thing, to cherish. It's personal. For you, I would not dwell on empty discussions, just concentrate on day to day pleasures and feelings. None of us can predict the future.

Just going off at a bit of a tangent -- As an older couple with adult DC my DH and I have agreed that if either of us finds another partner after one of us dies (absolutely ok as far as I'm concerned) we will NOT actually marry them.
Have a relationship, move in together, fine, but marriage is a legal state which invalidates existing wills and confers rights on each party.
I have seen adult children excluded from their widowed parent's estate after said parent has remarried and then sadly predeceased their new spouse.
The new spouse may then inherit the estate (unless a new, carefully drawn-up will is made on the second marriage) and if the new spouse has existing children they could in their turn inherit the entire estate on their parent's death. A child or children from the first marriage may be unfairly left out.
DH and I have agreed that our DC will still inherit our entire estate in this situation.

Only one thing to say on this subject, men and women see love and marriage and commitment totally differently.

I am fortunate as my late husband told me he wouldn't look for anyone else. He was 44 when we met. He had never married or had children because his dad had gone blind when he was 20. He stayed at home to help his parents by his choice. He wasn’t one who needed anyone. I know I was the only one to him.

He was and is my soul mate, best friend and the dad he didn't have to be to my/our 4. The ex is a waste of space BTW. That's another story.

Me! I won't get married again or have a companion as they call it. I'm not lonely. I have enriched fulfilling life. Anyone who has been silly enough to suggest otherwise has been told firmly no. When they have said "you never know" they have been put in their place in no uncertain terms.

Like another poster on this thread I have been widowed 4 and a half years. I still wear my wedding ring. Infact I also wear my husband wedding ring under mine. There it will stay.

My husband is still very much part of our lives in a spiritual way. I know I am blessed with my youngsters and grandchildren. I am also surrounded by fellowship and close friends. Some are married and some divorced.

Do I get lonely? Yes for my husband physical presence at times. Do I still grieve? Yes! Not like the early days, though in certain situations it can be harder than the time he passed. I have learnt love and grief become grudging companions on the journey of life. No one can or will replace my remarkable husband.

That's my late husband and I relationship. Everyone is different. Regarding the OP. I get why you feel and think like that. I am also extremely sensitive.

I can see why others would think your being OTT however I get why your thinking that. Most men don't see it like we do.

The worst case I ever had was a dear friend of mine uses dating sites from time to time. We have had some right laughs at the type of men she has had met. This one though takes the biscuit.

My friend met this man who said he was a widower. She thought he had been a widow sometime as you would.

On their first date the florist rung him. By the end of the call she was in shock and bemused thinking she must have misheard.

He had been discussing his late wife flowers who had only died the week before. He was also talking about when they got married they would use the same florist and he wanted my friend to go to the funeral.

My friend got the hell out of their as soon as she had collected herself. The guy was bat sh*t.

Three things hit me, when I read this post.

1) TV dramas do not reflect real live as everybody lives their life, quite obviously so, as we are all different. However it seems to be a trend in American series and perhaps in real life there too, to advise the bereaved to move on quickly. To me silly advice, as some people heal quicker than others and this applies to bereavement as well as wounds or illnesses.

2) As a wife, I have no personal experience, but going on what I have seen in my adult life, men do tend to feel the need of a new partner or spouse slightly sooner than women do. This is a generalisation, I admit. I have met many men who remained widowers for the rest of their lives after loosing their wives, irrespective of whether the marriage had been mainly happy or unhappy. And I have known women who "replaced" a divorced or deceased husband with startling rapidity too.

3) Women flocking to help the probably soon to be widowed man: it works the other way round too, you know.

My husband tends to remain at home, not due fortunately to any serious illness, but certainly more than I would like. Lately, I have noticed several men of about my own age of seventy, displaying an interest in me, and trying to find out whether I am on my own. So far none have accepted my invitations to drop in for coffee anytime and meet my husband.

This I take to be a pretty good hint, that they hoped there was no husband in the equation.

Poor man was just speculating. We none of us know exactly how we would cope in that situation.

My other half exited some time ago to obtain a more up to date appliance and I haven’t been lonely, just peaceful.

For me it was a case of once bitten twice shy, not that anyone has asked me.

Sago

Overthinking is dangerous.

Well, you are very lucky if you can stop your mind from doing it Sago.
I think most women overthink things just as our mothers did before us. We have not yet moved into our DD's mindsets where all are equal and at times do exactly as they please just as a man would.

I think men and women see things differently.
I’m fairly sure if I go first my husband will move on and find someone else.
He likes the company and chatting etc.
I very very much doubt I would find anyone else.As I’ve got older I’m much less trusting!

Hamster58, remember he did say he didn't know what he would do without you which means a lot. More than my DH ever said to me. Although when he was in hospital he told a nurse that his wife "does everything", which to me was a sort of compliment! And I still wear my wedding ring, I can't get it off, and it would involve someone else cutting it off, which is an altogether different scenario. [smile}

@hamster58
I'm with you on this topic.
I lost a close friend and her husband removed his wedding ring after 6 months. I felt he was being disrespectful to her memory, he just said he couldn't keep it on forever.
Discussing it with my brother, he pointed out that, it would be bad enough waking up everyday with no wife beside you, you would also have the constant reminder on your finger. You can't replace a person, a memory or your experiences, I doubt anyone would want to do any of them.