Grandaughter's wedding (not invited)

Her choice, and her loss. I think it’s mean to leave out the grandparents. Often they (we) are the safety net in a world of family disagreements, hence your hurt. She may come to regret her decision.

Get in touch with the other sets of grandparents and make it a grandparents day with you all doing something together!!
BTW, I'm just wondering when her dad actually died? If it was quite recently it may be that she felt pain that he couldn't make it and that she didn't want to upset grandad by not asking him to give her away!

And as for cost- well how much do they think a 'party at a later date' is going to cost them?? Better to add a few grandparents in now and all enjoy the actual marriage ceremony now while there are still all their grandparents around to celebrate it with them now.(No offense meant, but who knows whats in the future- look at how 2019- 20-21 went, &who saw that coming? & its still here.)

BIJOU

WOW!!! CONGRATULATIONS ON 76 YEARS!!! xx

I would be very hurt too. She could at least have given you this news in person or in a letter, not a text. She knew you'd be disappointed and didn't want to have to deal with that face-to-face. Cowardly! Grandparents are definitely close relatives.

Reply (by letter) and tell her how disappointed you are not to be invited to her wedding as you have always looked forward to seeing her married. Tell her you hope it all goes well and wish her all the best for the future. I wouldn't mention the future party. Your choice whether you send greetings or a gift on the day, and whether you wish to go to the party.

I too get very fed up with hearing the phrases THEIR wedding; THEIR baby; THEIR children; THEIR rules etc etc. In most cases some consideration for other peoples feelings would not go amiss. And good manners! Less texting and more speaking.

A very close member of my family deliberately arranged their wedding for a weekday knowing that a lot of the invited guests wouldn't be able to attend due to work commitments and that would reduce the guest list. My Mum was furious and refused to go even though she could have had the day off work. She told me I shouldn't go either - but I was a bridesmaid! It was indeed a small event but my Mum never spoke to the couple again.

Micro weddings are a thing now so I’d try to accept that fact with grace. But texting your GM to tell her is not and never will be IMHO. That would hurt me, very much. I’m so sorry but I really hope you can still enjoy the party later.

Of course it's natural to feel hurt by things like this. No=on can criticise you for feeling a bit sad over it. However, you no doubt love them dearly ( or you wouldn't be hurt by this).
It's not worth potentially losing your relationship with them over this. I doubt challenging them or discussing it with the other grandparents would do anything other than make things worse.
No-one knows why others make the decisions they do - money is tight, too many "grandparents/step-grandparents"to invite ( and some may be unpleasant characters who might spoil things), your GD's dad dying may play a part in what she can cope with at the wedding, ......
Maybe she has mental health challenges and cannot face having more than about 10-12 folk ( or whatever) there.
Maybe you could allow your hurt to morph into concern for them ( not saying that's easy) and the fact they're feeling financial or emotional challenges or both and resolve to do all you can to support and encourage them in their future together.
As for text - possibly a generational thing or they were too anxious about reactions to talk to folk on the phone.
You can't change what they have decided, but you can choose to review your response to it. Focus on the fact that you love them and want the best for them, congratulate them, say you are looking forward to the party, and give them the same size gift as you would have had you been going to the actual ceremony. And enjoy the party! All the best.

no-one not no=on

I agree with Namsnany....
Feelings are emotions and its understandable to feel hurt regardless of the reasons behind it ♡♡♡

It really depends on the relationship you’ve had and perhaps still have with her. I would also be beyond hurt if I’d received a text saying this but would suck it up wish them well and happily go along with it... on the other hand I would be far less hurt if our relationship was not that close.. When my daughter go married two years ago, she only invited two of my five siblings, the grooms grandparents were not invited either. I think people on the whole have grown to accept that a wedding in the family doesn’t mean that all family will be invited...even to the reception at a later date.

Hi Tilly,
I completely understand why your husband is so hurt. To have lost his son is agony in itself. Then to not be invited to granddaughters wedding and to be told only parents siblings and children are invited because the celebration is a small one, would be extremely disappointing. It would have been extra special if grandaughter had asked your husband to give her away as her Dad has sadly passed away though maybe she is not be having a church wedding. Very close friends of mine lost their older son in his early 30s and my friends have been very close to the son’s own little boy who is now nearly 18. I know if they weren’t invited to their grandson’s future wedding it would feel hurtful. I think that younger people are so busy they don’t always think through the nuances of a situation. My mum was deeply disappointed when her first grandson decided to get married in Mauritius because his Dad was Mauritian (understandable). There again it was a small do but my mum had helped to bring her grandson up during his early years because my sister was 16 when she got pregnant.

Nannan2

'Giving the bride away' is a tradition-not an antiquated idea at all- especially in church weddings- and 'walked up the aisle' is more how its looked upon nowadays- and this bride will be reminded her own dads not there all day by her own memories/thoughts of him anyway, wether her grandads there or not.Personally i would want my own fathers dad there to do so if my dad could not.I myself walked my eldest daughter down the aisle as her dad wasnt there &her grandad had died.

To some people it is an antiquated, out dated tradition. Just because you and I don't mind being 'given' away by a man, doesn't mean that a younger generation with more liberal ideas do. Just in the same way some people will look at our "imperial" history and wish to rebel against it and others don't.

Of course I can empathise with Grandad being disappointed but neither can we make assumptions about the bride being thoughtless or unkind because she has a different way of doing things to us 'oldies'.

I think its up to the couple to decide who they want to come. It is their day. I liked ElaineRI55's most above because she tenderly describes all the factors that may be at play that you may not be aware of.

What I would criticise them for is that its done by text: this is thoughtless: I think younger people are aware that its a casual means of communication whatever the generation.

I come from a family of very small weddings: registry office and small get togethers are the norm. My daughter in Law when she married my son comes from a different family with an "invite them all" perspective: she wanted her Big Day, and it was a lovely occasion, but I would not have been upset were it to be otherwise.

I think what matters most is that you keep the best possible relationship with them, in terms of the future. I'd swallow my hurt and send a letter wishing them well and looking forward to the party and yes even a small gift.

It will be hard for your DH to accept this, but its the long term that matters imo. Seeing possible great grandchildren, possible inclusion in other family accessions because you have been graceful about this.

another factor - I think as we get older family matters more, we want to be in contact and feel loved and accepted more, but thinking back to when I was young it wasn't as important to me then, I couldn't project my imagination into what I might feel over 70 when I was in my 20's.

occasions not "accessions!"

I wouldn’t text a reply. Send a beautiful wedding card with a note that you hope their special day is perfect in every way and that you look forward to having a photo you can frame for your home. See you at the celebration!! This way you’re gracious, respectful and….always a role model. As another person wrote, one less event to prepare for, get dressed up for etc. Do something special and have a toast to the newlyweds!! Cheers!

Tilly95, I’d be very hurt too, but I guess I’d vent on here and then, like others have suggested, send them a card wishing them all the best on their special day and in the future.
I’d rather be a welcome guest at a later party than a begrudged guest at the wedding.

Dear Tilly
I can totally understand your feelings about this. Could I just separate out the strands. Firstly the actual wedding. It is totally understandable to feel left out full stop, but that the father has died must make it harder and more upsetting for your husband. Regarding them sending you a text about it. I would feel both angry and upset and as though i was of no importance, but that is because at my age, we were taught to write letters, which I still do , or at least telephone and speak to someone in person about important things like this. However younger people live their lives with their phones and text etc . and for them it is probably the equivalent of sending a letter in my day. This does not excuse them from being thoughtless. The other thing is that the written word can be taken in so many ways. I taught english as a second language and used to write a sentence and ask students to say it aloud in a variety of ways so, in an angry tone or smiling. So many written words can be made worse because the receiver hears them internally in a different mood to that which the sender meant. So , whilst you will still feel hurt, they may not have meant to be so crass. I would think you have some options in your response. You could just send them best wishes by text in reply to theirs, or ou might speak to your daughter in law , if you get on well with her, and tell her how hurt you felt but that you know things are different these days Perhaps they may have a video or film of the actual ceremony that you could have to mark the day. For yourselves , might you mark the day by either visiting your own wedding venue, church or whatever on that day or if it was not too painful visit where your son was married. For many years now I have a habit of buying the local paper and the Yorkshire post or Guardian for the day of the wedding, baptism or birth. I actually get two copies and give them one and keep one myself. For babies I have done the same but kept a copy safely and then on their 21st birthday or rather now 18th birthday take them these papers . They are often interested to see what was happening on their special day and it can be quite fun at a family gathering to see what has changed and the prices and things that have happened.
I do speak from a similar experience to yourselves. My son is adopted , which is why he is called Daniel (the chosen one). He and his partner live very close to her family and some way from us. When they had a little boy, my husband was quite ill at the time and I was nursing him, doing all the driving etc so of course missed out on being able to go and see the baby or spend much time with them. When their son was christened I drove us across the country to be there and my husband was in a wheel chair and so needed extra help etc. All went well but at the reception I hardly got a chance to hold or play with my grandson , he was passed around to lots of people. I was glad to see him being so sociable but did feel that they were rather thoughtless as I only had that day with them and her family saw the baby every day. It would have been nice if someone had offered to look after my husband and that we had been able to hold the baby and so forth as we had to leave after two hours. But no one seemed to think that as we had such a little time that they might make an effort as they had lots of time each week. So I drove home feeling rather sad and very weary , but couldnt say so to my husband as I didnt want him to feel that my looking after him had stopped me holding my grandson. I am now a widow and though I am still sad about it , I am pleased that I did not speak to my husband and let him know how upset I was. One last thing I would say is that there is still quite a bit of time before the wedding and lots can happen, and your granddaughter just might reflect on how they have contacted you. Can someone who is very tech savvy organise a Whats App or Skype for you so that you could speak to them at their reception? Well at the very least you should treat yourselves, go somewhere nice or have a bottle of wine and a favourite meal and at least be glad that you have each other and can enjoy a meal together where you can hear yourselves speak. The last reception I went to the music was so loud it was exhausting trying to have a conversation and there was no quiet room where you could move to. Surprised I wasnt deaf by the time I got home. Best wishes

That was a very thoughtful post, and the idea that comes out of it for me is asking if someone can take quite a few video shots of the event and WhatsApp them around the wider family.

Even just asking for this along with the sending a card may in itself hit the note" we accept your choice BUT want to feel as part of it as possible please.

Of course a showing of videos and photos at the party could do this too.

No wonder so many people elope - such a happy occasion being impacted by other's expectations

So what IF this bride wanted to be walked down the aisle but there was an uncle/brother/etc that she would have preferred instead of the grandfather?

Is grandfather walking down the aisle ever discussed with the bride or something that grandfather expected?

Everybody expects different things from weddings- the groom and bride cannot customize it to avoid hurting anybody's feelings?

Wish them well, and accept that it is the couple's decision about guests. Perhaps your husband thought that she may ask him to walk her down the aisle in place of her not having her dad, but if there is a step-dad that she gets on well with then it will be his duty. You have a lot of years to enjoy this young couple's life and share in high points.

I wrote this a couple of hours ago and got interrupted before sending it, so there are some repetitions of others' posts - that doesn't mean I am ignoring them.
A young couple have decided to commit themselves to one another. They are doing that in a small ceremony and are having a party later to extend the celebrations to other people. What is wrong with that, and why does anyone else have a right to expect to be the exception, or to over-ride the wishes of the bride and groom?

If a close family member had not been invited to the party, I could understand their upset, but to start saying that the OP shouldn't provide a gift, or that her husband should have been asked to stand in lieu of the father of the bride is way over the top.

For one thing, many young people don't want a man to 'give the bride away', as it is seen as a patriarchal move. Whether people of earlier generations agree with this is really not the point - again, it is the bride's choice and her wishes should be respected. For another, the idea that gifts are a quid pro quo for an invitation is roundly disapproved of when couples ask invitees for cash - what's the difference between that on the one hand and withholding gifts if someone is not happy with the extent of their invitation on the other?

My sister has 5 children, so when events include them all, their partners and children there are dozens of them . I wasn't invited to any of their weddings, apart from the first niece's, which happened before the younger ones had partners and children of their own. As it happened, I declined as it was abroad and at a time when my own daughter was taking exams. I am not upset about that. A celebration for their immediate family is never a small affair, and much as I am close to my nieces and nephews I don't put my wishes over their practicalities.

Of course it is 'THEIR' day - they are committing to each other, not to anyone else, and how they choose to do it is their choice. The idea that a caring grandparent would even think about punishing them for this makes no sense to me at all.

Everybody's feelings

For example- somebody prefers red meat and the main dish is fish
But fish was chosen to make a person happy

A text..Oh my. However the wedding is a long time off so maybe they will rethink about inviting grandparents.

Just had a thought! If it's to be a church wedding could you get together with the other grandparents and 'gatecrash' the ceremony so that you can all at least see her being married, then slip away to a restaurant or pub for a GPs celebration. No fancy wedding attire necessary! Do you know the other GPs well enough to do that?

A church wedding is open to anyone who chooses to slip into the church to witness it. I had several complete strangers at my ceremony, just sitting quietly at the back, they just enjoyed a wedding! Our Best Man gave them boxes of confetti so they could join in as we left the church.

In your place I would be dreadfully hurt too.

There may be a good reason why they are not inviting anyone except their parents and siblings, but you do not know it, and neither do I.

Whatever the reason, it would have been kinder of your grand-daughter to tell you what it is, as nicely as possible.

All you can do is try to be glad that she is getting married, and that they are not, like so many these days, using an amount of money they could buy a house for (quite literally) to hold a Hollywood style wedding!

My eldest niece did precisely that, sent us an invitation and then said that we could not stay either with her or her sister or brother as they had "others " staying with them. This meant a hotel room for two nights over and above the cost of a journey from one end of the country to another.

We had accepted the invitation, so we found a cheap hotel, bought one of the few moderately priced items on her wishing-list and attended the ceremony.

Before the reception had really got going the bride swept across to my husband and said, very rudely, "Will you pipe down!" He and one or two of the more rumbustious of the bridegroom's relatives had been chaffing each other good-naturedly. Nothing had been said that anyone had taken offence at, and we, and others who heard what she actually said were flabbergasted.

My husband chose to leave the party then and there, but insisted I stayed.

I am not hinting that your grand-daughter would do anything similar, just mentioning this unpleasant incident to show that you are not alone in wondering what goes on in the heads of the younger generation.

As you can imagine, in hindsight, we would much have preferred not to have been invited than to be treated as we were.

I hope your husband will feel able to add his good wishes to yours when you send a greeting card or a gift. For the sake of a future relationship with your grand-daughter and her husband, it is doubtless better you attend the reception if you both can pretend that you were not hurt by not being invited to the actual wedding.

If your husband is still dreadfully sore about it at that time, which I fully understand he may well be, perhaps he should come down with some diplomatic illness, such as a violent tummy upset, or toothache, leaving you to attend alone.