I need to vent!

Wyllow3 but neither will OP’s parents. Why should they miss out on a (extremely rare) Christmas with their dd and sil because mil is throwing a strop? By the time mil departs this mortal coil, so might have op’s mum and dad. My mil who is always ‘ailing’ outlived both my parents so I never had a Christmas with them alone as an married adult which I deeply regret. My sibling was able to, because she was better at me of maintaining some personal space from her mil. I feel sorry for my parents I wasn’t able to give them a Christmas just our family before they died. They never complained about mil taking over. Mil demanding and the squeaky wheel, always got her own way as DH prefers to give in to shut her up over upsetting and disappointing me.

If you do what you've always done,
You get what you've always got !!

Makes me so sad to read this and the comments about the tough times elderly parents put their children through. And the uncaring siblings that don’t help! Throw money in to the mix and it becomes even more toxic. I was so blessed to have such lovely caring parents, who lived many miles from us but accepted what we did for them with love and gratitude. They spent their last days in separate nursing homes, sadly, as there wasn’t a place in my fathers nursing home (which provided specialist dementia care) for mum. They were near my sister then and I visited as often as possible. We never sniped at each other and my sister bore the added responsibility with love and grace and I helped as much as I could. My parents never complained and I was so lucky to have them. There was no money to speak of, but even if there had been, I don’t think it would have been weaponised. I do hope this lady can sort this difficult problem and that her husband can support his wife who so richly deserves it.

What matters here is what you and your husband agree to do.

Presumably, his brother and sister have long since decided to leave their mother to the pair of you, and have done so quite successfully.

You quite rightly informed them ages ago that you were going away this Christmas, so go, unless this will lead to a quarrel with your husband.

If your MIL is still doing her own cooking etc. just make sure she has something Christmassy in the way of food in,

If she has carers coming in, make sure they know she will be at home for Christmas, as she may blithely have told them she will be with you.

Here ‘s another vote for you to go to your family. Why should you never be able to spend Christmas with your relatives because of MIL’s demands? Especially when there are others who don’t do their share.
We no longer have parents alive, but sometimes spend part of Christmas separately, to fit in with our own sides of the family. We are not joined at the hip. Assuming your DH is well enough to cope with his mum alone, if he is not prepAred to stand up to his siblings, you can do you own thing. Your family are just as much entitled to see you.

We are in a similar position we have always had MIL who is a ghastly person. My husbands siblings do offer, but MIL likes to stay with no 1 son and my views don’t come into it. I’m utterly resigned now, and I just laugh. It’s only a couple of days a year, my husband knows she is awful too, and we just have a nice drink when she is gone!

A difficult situation but it seems it is your own sense of guilt and duty that is standing in your way. You do have a choice. As we get older, the old ways of doing festive get togethers have to change. People cant be in two places at once, families live far apart from each other. Would mil accept a lovely Christmas dinner out in a restaurant a special grannys Christmas? Otherwise I would say go to your family and leave your husband to entertain his Mum

Stick to your guns, say you will give her another Christmas afterwards
We’re brainwashed over Christmas and it causes a lot of pressure ..
I don’t think it was ever meant to be anyway it’s certainly not a blessing to many, causes nothing but trouble
If you research Christmas and how it started and who Santa Claus was … CLAUS ?
Like me you might not be surprised it causes so much stress emotionally and financially… we low key it now! And just have a regular family day, without agro or stress .
HO HO or OH OH SANTA or SATAN The man in red who drops down into fire ! Encouraging our children to adore him and want things many parents can’t afford ? mmm
Certainly made me think!

When my MiL was in her 80’s, she needed a lot of help due to being partially sighted - macular degeneration. - so she came to live with us. However, we were going away for Christmas that year so, after discussion with her and her social worker she decided to stay in a council run home for the duration we were away. She loved it, the attention and conversation with others of the same age. Could this be a possibility for you? There is generally a cost but could be worth it for peace of mind.

what are you talking about DeeDe ?
sounds a bit batty.
as i'm sure you know, santa claus simply is a contraction of saint nicholas.
there was a tradition of giving gifts on his feast day, which i believe is dec 6th.
gradually it morphed and got rolled into xmas festivities.

as to the original discussion, i agree with Steph8, who put it v nicely i think.

Am sorry to hear your dilemma.
I have told my 5 siblings that this year I am going to my sons - having spent the last 4 years xmas days with my mum + easter / significant days.

Well , that hasn't gone down well ! But I have given them plenty of notice so they can sort it.
I can't believe the excuses coming up why they can't go to mum for Xmas day.
Am standing firm though- no one is more entitled to their choice of Xmas plans than another !!

Just go and have some ‘me’time
If your husband will not come then that’s his choice. If something happened to you or your husband, what would become of your Mil.
Say you have COVID and can’t care for her or go to bed yourself over Christmas. Just stop this wheel of Christmas care.

I agreed with 02Forsythia, there won't be many more Christmases, so don't let yourselves down by getting into family arguments. Anyway you, she and your husband know what you have both done for her. Either take her along with you or have her to stay at your house over Christmas. Life is too short.

So take her with you to you parent's christmas celebration.

She’s very old. You don’t look after her as you say she has carers coming in and we all know how brief and cold that can be. If Christmas Day is not for giving your husbands mother company for one day I don’t know what it’s for. She must be desperate to blurt out about inheritance, give her some slack and some warmth this Christmas. If your adult children want to be with you, let them come too. Don’t make it hard on your husband. The trouble is everyone thinks that Christmas is for them. And we can all end up being selfish. Be generous it’s what Christmas is all about in the end. And hope if you make it to 98 you will not be so begrudged or left alone. You can’t expect her to be a saint as well.

What did you do during the pandemic when no one was able to visit other people in their homes?

If your MIL is threatening to disinherit you if you don't do what she says is the money worth the hassle?

grannygranby but the OP’s parents will be of similar age, why must the OP and her family and elderly parents miss out on sharing Christmases together at the expense of the MIL?

She must play fair too, she has had her son and dil every year for years now it’s a rare turn for op’s family. If she wants to threaten disinheritance let her threaten her other two children.

Every Christmas there are posts about relatives at Christmas. I can remember when I was a child my mother grumbling because she had to entertain my father’s large family every year and only once did we go to her brothers house.
It is only one day of the year and nowadays has lost its religious meaning.

Everyone has had 11 month's notice carry out your plans Your DHneeds to stand up to his mother and siblings His mother needs to be told you will not be blackmailed

Isn't it sad how many people DON'T want their parents to join them Christmas day. After hearing a brother and sister arguing about not having Mother visiting for Christmas day I vowed, when I had children, I would not put pressure on them to spend Christmas with us. Now they are grown up they thank me for allowing them to make their own memories. This year my son and family are joining us for Christmas but at least it is their choice.

What about Sunflowers feeling and those of her parents who also are not getting any younger, it won’t hurt mil to have just one Christmas Day on her own, her choice to not go into care and expect everything to fall on her son and dil. There seems little thought of mil for others, yes she’s old now but she’s been like it for years.If husband is adamant his mother comes first he can be her company, Sunflower goes to her family. Nothing will change until you change it.

Sounds to me like you’re stuck with it!
How ludicrous is Christmas!

grannygranby I don't know if you read the title of the thread and Sunflower2's subsequent comments?
It seems to me that maybe you have never lived close by an elderly person who needs your regular attention?
Even if someone else is doing the "getting up" and "toilet" routines you are still on a 24 hour call.
It can be extremely wearing over the years.
The OP is resigned to the situation but has been let down. She gave her husband's siblings a year to sort it out so she could have "time off". She has had a Christmas "off" a few years ago and has never heard the end of it.

If Christmas Day is not for giving your husbands mother company for one day I don’t know what it’s for. She must be desperate to blurt out about inheritance,
- the assumptions you make about the OP and her mother-in-law here is breathtaking. Just because someone else is coming 3 times a day to help the mother in law doesn't mean that the OP's life doesn't revolve around the 98 year old. Neither does talking about inheritance mean that the mother-in-law blurted it out - or was desperate. Plenty of people, young and old are manipulative and determined to have everything their own way.

In the OP's own words:
How can we leave a 98 year old on her own - she obviously can't. Please don't assume the worst of her.

Sometimes we just feel let down and need to say so.