I need to vent!

Maybe let her withdraw her inheritance, do you really care?

DillytheGardener: it is a difficult one. She isn’t always that nasty, but has become more so as she’s aged. She must feel frightened and vulnerable. It can’t be easy for her, but as I keep pointing out to my DH, it was her choice not to go into a care home. I don’t know, or rather, I have a good idea, who she thought was going to care for her. Because of geography it has fallen to us. It’s now expected.
The other family members say having Christmas with a family is what she wants, as though if she wants it she must have it. I have pointed out EVERYONE must be taken into consideration, not just her. She may not get what she wants. Sadly as I posted previously, we’re still hearing about the Christmas we ABANDONED her, even though we’ve hosted her since! It keeps being thrown back in our faces! It is just so wearing, sad and dispiriting. Depressing. No matter what we do, it’s not enough. Not good enough, not done right, the wrong day, not prioritised her, you name it!

Your Christmases sound just as horrendous. Wishing you strength in standing up for what you want!

Norah: It’s getting to that point! But, she’s still a 98 year old and we have a conscience. We don’t want to see her left on her own at Christmas.

Oh the emotional baggage of Christmas!
My “solution” to take some of the heat out of things this year is to host a whole family “do “ here the Sunday before Christmas and hope that takes some of the pressure off the day itself. D1 has a Ukrainian single mum and little boy living with them and no way would she leave them alone over Christmas but if everybody went to hers we’d be at least 22 and even with us all mucking in I know she would find it stressful- plus, with the distances involved, I think it is wrong for anybody to feel they have to drive across the country at Christmas!
I’m sort of central (Kent, London, Norfolk, Birmingham) but could not seat 20+ (or accommodate half a dozen young GC) so I am hoping my lower-key pre-Christmas do will meet the brief of everybody seeing each other and if we are then in different locations on the 24/25 nobody will feel left out!

Sunflower you sound a lovely caring person but I do think you need to stand up to the other two siblings. You obviously thought your SIL would do her bit on this occasion and you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she should step up for this one day of the year so you can see your family. You could say that your family are going to be extremely upset if they don't have you with them. It was MIL's choice not to go into a home and if this means she is alone perhaps this should be gently explained to her. Good luck and I hope you get the Christmas you would like.

As an only child I had my mother for Christmas every single year until she died which was 25 Christmases. When my husbands mother was widowed we had her every Christmas too, which was 15 Christmases. They were our mothers and we never thought anything of it.

A woman of 98 has a traditional and moral right to respect and service from others. You and your husband are fortunate to be able to help her. I should think her bad manners might be forgivable in view of her natural fears she could be abandoned. Please frequently reassure her she will not be abandoned as that may be all she needs to stop her pathetic threats.

Both you and the old lady are a bit daft about the importance of Xmas. I suppose many people see it as a sign or even proof that they are loved. I imagine at her age she has some excuse for reverting to infantile glorification of Xmas.

The other siblings are the worst of your problem. It's unlikely they lack consciences. It's more likely that they feel incompetent. Why not explain in great detail(and politely) what you two with your years of experience know to be the old mother's needs and try to persuade them they can do it as adequately as you and your husband do it?

By the way, has anyone actually asked the old mother which of her children she wants with her to look after her?

I'm with luluaugust.
MiL won't be getting a family, if it's only you and DH.
Tell SiL she's the one neglecting her mother if she won't come for xmas.
Tell MiL & SiL that you will be sticking to your family arrangements. MiL is not the only one who has to be considered ad DH can stay with her if he likes, along with his sister - both of them are MiL's family, not you.

I absolutely agree that you should not feel guilty for wanting to spend at least one Christmas with your family and celebrate the way you want to. Yes, she may be old and not long for this world, but you also only have a limited time on this earth and one Christmas is definitely your right. Unfortunately, you probably will feel guilty and I know the feeling of being torn between your husband's guilt from his mother and doing what the two of you want. I am afraid that in the end it always comes down to can you do what you want for just this one Christmas and live with it, because absolutely you are entitled to do it the way you want for once.

You're right Caleo it is actually a bit silly, the fuss that people make about getting together for xmas.

Sunflower2 - I'm only suggesting this as my own adult children have stepped up to help when we had to go away to a sick son in America. They covered for us totally regarding my husband's mother (98). One even moved in with her for a few days. Is it worth asking?
Alternatively, would your children do (say) a day each over the holidays so you can have a break?...

I do know it shouldn't be like this. I would also be spitting feathers on it. You totally have the right to be angry.
💐

An old woman of 98 absolutely does not have the right to service from others. Respect yes, but not service. I’m wondering how old Sunflower and her husband are themselves? If mother is 98 they could be well on in years themselves, but I’ll guess in their seventies. How many people in their seventies can take on the full care of a very elderly woman themselves, who selfishly refuses carers or a care home? They may have health issues themselves, but even if not, they not spring chickens. Mother needs to move into a care home or accept carers in her own home. Sunflower and her husband need to be relieved of some of her care in order that they can begin to enjoy their own retirement.
The Christmas issue is tricky. Perhaps Sunflower should explain to mil that they will be away and then go. They cannot be held to ransom to a very selfish old woman.

Why is everybody blaming the siblings?

This 98 yo entitled person chose not to go to a care home as she wants to slave her family to take care of her - and dh and OP chose to do so

Only op and dh have the power to stop this arrangement

The siblings made different choices for themselves - also valid

Forsythia

Do your own thing. Let your husband be with his mother and you go to your family. I bet if you suggest to him you’re doing that he will find a way round it.

This is what I would do and have done in the past. Pass the buck let him sort it out.
I once had Christmas with my parents and my 6-month-old baby. DH had his with his parents but had to stay sober as I didn't drive and his mother insisted on seeing the baby on Christmas day.
We were staying with my parents and were careful to take turns where we stayed. He got it sorted the next year so he could have a drink.

Entitled 98 year old? Honestly Hithere, you take the biscuit.

OP hope your dh gets something sorted out with his siblings. It’s really his problem to manage.
If not consider going to your family if that’s what you want to do. No doubt siblings will be quick enough to claim any inheritance, but at least you know you have done your best.

Yummy biscuit! Perfect for breakfast, thanks

MawtheMerrier

Oh the emotional baggage of Christmas!
My “solution” to take some of the heat out of things this year is to host a whole family “do “ here the Sunday before Christmas and hope that takes some of the pressure off the day itself. D1 has a Ukrainian single mum and little boy living with them and no way would she leave them alone over Christmas but if everybody went to hers we’d be at least 22 and even with us all mucking in I know she would find it stressful- plus, with the distances involved, I think it is wrong for anybody to feel they have to drive across the country at Christmas!
I’m sort of central (Kent, London, Norfolk, Birmingham) but could not seat 20+ (or accommodate half a dozen young GC) so I am hoping my lower-key pre-Christmas do will meet the brief of everybody seeing each other and if we are then in different locations on the 24/25 nobody will feel left out!

Yours is a nice way to solve the crowd issues of family meals.

We have 4 daughters, they each have 2 children, many of them have children - too many for one meal.

Our daughter chat at each other and each select a separate date in December to come to us. Advent Sundays, each having a Christ virtue, are a nice part of selecting, imo. Last I heard they'd about decided who would be here and when.

It can be complicated when overnight stays are involved too.
A bit like you Norah I have 3 daughters with 6 children between them ranging from 12 - 1, then there’s the 3 SILs, DH’s 2 sisters (unmarried) known as “the Aunties” one nephew now in his early 30’s (single) , DH’s brother (divorced) his daughter in her 20’s often with a lovelorn swain in tow, and this year the Ukrainian lady and her 2 year old son.
The Aunties (perhaps because single) have never volunteered to “do”Christmas but after FIL died, would come to us along with MIL
After DH died, eldest D took on the responsibility as they have by far the biggest house and 3 children.
BIL lived in Singapore until 6 or so years ago and would no more think of hosting than fly !
There are those who “do” Christmas and those who seem to expect to be invited! !

Thank you all for your comments. Slight development today. (Maddyone, we are in our mid to late 60s) Husband had high BP readings. ECG done on Friday. Results back as abnormal today. Echocardiogram tomorrow. May be blockage. Hopefully something that can be sorted.

I do hope so Sunflower2
Thinking of you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sorry to hear your DH has developed medical problems. At the end of the day you have to live with your decisions. Although it is unfair when siblings don't help the main carer ( I know it has happened to me) it will not help your mental wellbeing to brood over it. Just discount the sibs . Can you have Christmas lunch with your MIL and then travel to your family in the afternoon so you see them on Christmas Day as well and then stay with them? It may well be your MILs last Christmas. Hope you manage to sort it out.

I think the idea letting DH go to his mums and you see your family -or even have time out alone - is best in the circs. Its true she has been at it for years but she cant last forever.

Sunflower if he is poorly nearer c mas time that changes everything. Then you have to say no sorry DH is very ill, much as you's like to, etc etc..

Your mother in law sounds very lonely and scared. She's 98 and sometimes very elderly people use the disinheritance threat in order to attempt to get the support they desperately want. I would agree to spending the day with her even though I want to be with my own family because she really doesn't have much of a life either now or ahead. Imagine how she feels that none of her other children want to spend the day with her and now the one she has relied upon cannot be there either. She doesn't see your point of view and probably never will but this might be her last Christmas. It would be sad to leave her on her own this Christmas even though you would rather be elsewhere.