Arggggghhhh! I need to vent! We live 25 mins from mil. She has 3 adult children. My husband, his older sister and younger brother. They both live 300 miles away. All her care has fallen to us for the last 30 years. There are infrequent, occasional visits from the other two, as and when it suits them, and only for a few days at a time from one, and a couple of weeks from the other. Christmases are always a nightmare. We feel it’s reasonable, being here all the time, to let one or other sibling cover Christmas. She’s now too old to travel to them. Every single year there are arguments as to why one or other sibling can’t do it. This year is no exception, except that having hosted her last year, we said we would be going to my family this year. Sil agreed. Now it transpires she has ruled herself out, saying her mum really wants a family to spend Christmas with. Bil is too unfit to come. The worst of it is that she has been told we are not available this year, but has now browbeaten my husband with threats of disinheritance and the family looking badly on him unless he spends Christmas with her. She feels she should be the priority, and has said as much. Not only do I think one of the siblings should spend Christmas with her, but that they should be volunteering in view of the fact we’re here the rest of the time. However, she is 98, and these threats have become all too frequent when she’s trying to force my husband to do something she wants. AIBU?
Sorry to break step, but
1. I plan to be unreasonable when I'm 98.
2. You seem to have conspired somewhat to create this situation. It seems a bit much, to expect her to be adaptable at such a great age.
3. How would you feel if this turned out to be her last Christmas?
Sorry, but that's how I feel, having driven a long way with my own mother's christmas dinner for years, before finally persuading her to move closer.
Forsythia
She’s 98. Realistically, how many more Christmases has she got? The siblings are unfair but could she not join your family for Christmas?
Just what I thought, poor women.
Speaking as the child who lived away I would have struggled to travel 300 miles and back at Xmas for a day. These days I can’t do even 100 miles. My parent’s care fell to one sibling in particular, despite having others live locally I thank heaven my sister did the lion’s share, she was lovely to our mum and dad and had the necessary caring nature. I don’t really have that and felt like a fish out of water. After such a long journey you feel exhausted too. My husband took on the care of his parents but we lived away from them too. It totally disrupted our family life as he went twice a week (long journey too and fro). I learnt that I could not do that to my kids and have decided that I will take all care that is available to me to prevent my kids being so burdened. I don’t know the answer to this problem unless it’s possible to see mil on the day and then go off to see your family. It’s so hard I know.
Nanatoone: Travelling 300 miles would not be for a day! Of course SIL would stay for a while.
NotSpaghetti: Thank you. You are spot on. I don’t begrudge MIL anything. I just want the others to take a turn. That’s all! We ARE on call 24/7. Even the carers call us if they are concerned. We have answered that ‘call’ so many times, for so many things, both major and minor, but each time we don’t know what we’ll find when we get there.
DillytheGardener: Spot on. Thank you.
Luluaugust: Believe me, we’ve tried and tried discussing it with SIL to no avail. She has said it would be boring having Christmas with her mother. Go figure!
Caleo: No, they really aren’t incompetent. MIL want to have Christmas with us. She always does. However, she also wants a lot of things. We are in our late 60s and simply can’t care for her and fulfil all her other requests. All I want is for SIL and BIL to take a turn. That is all I have ever suggested.
Sunflower2
Do you realize that sil and bill dont have to do anything they don'want to do?
If sil doesnt want to waste her Xmas with her mother, she is in her right to do so
They are her children and they knew her before you did - good and bad
Please accept sil and bil have different boundaries regarding their mother than you and your dh have
NotSpaghetti: ‘ I do know it shouldn't be like this. I would also be spitting feathers on it. You totally have the right to be angry.’
It’s just the sharing, or lack thereof, that angers me.
Mumofmadboys: That’s sort of what we did two years ago. She still refers to it as having been ‘abandoned’.
Hithere
Sunflower2
Do you realize that sil and bill dont have to do anything they don'want to do?
If sil doesnt want to waste her Xmas with her mother, she is in her right to do so
They are her children and they knew her before you did - good and bad
Please accept sil and bil have different boundaries regarding their mother than you and your dh have
Crazy thought…….I just thought everyone tried to help each other. Tried to be fair. Support each other. Maybe even WANTED to spend some time with their elderly mother.
Wyllow3
Sunflower if he is poorly nearer c mas time that changes everything. Then you have to say no sorry DH is very ill, much as you's like to, etc etc..
Yes, I agree.
I’m so glad I’m finished with all of this. My dear mil had no money but lots of persuasive power and the times she had commanded her Christmas wishes well let’s just say it was massive. I now don’t care who comes in my family I just smile and nod and enjoy the day the way I want it. Me and hubby could have fish fingers and chips and would be happy now!
NotSpaghetti: ‘ Sometimes we just feel let down and need to say so.’. That sums it up exactly!
OP
You dont know what kind of a mother she was to sil and bil, how it may influenced them in their lives
Maybe sil and bil are indeed selfish
Yoir MIL's behaviour is true very unpleasant, manipulative and selfish - that truly plays a huge factor here
Just because they are her AC it does not mean they signed a contract from birth to take care of her when she requested it so
Bottom line: forget about your sil and bil sharing their mother's care of xmas- they have shown you they are not interested and they do not want to do it
You are hurting yourself keeping that alive in your mind
Hi Sunflower 2
I appreciate that I guess I mean that distance in a day. It’s a long old way. Of course they should take their turn, but they don’t live close and that’s the reality. I spent my whole adult life travelling to be with family and not spending Xmas etc at home with the children (we were always in someone else’s as we were the ones that lived away). At some point we stopped it as it wasn’t fair to our own children. It’s a tough one and you do deserve a break from it all.
Threatening your DH with disinheritance? What about the rest of them that, truthfully, just can't be bothered? Are they to be disinherited, too? I'd bring this up to her!!
She could go to a home for Christmas, making it a little holiday for her, that way she wouldn't have to travel far but she'd be looked after 24/7 & have people her own age to chat with, possibly even meet some old friends in there!!
I think.it is disgraceful of your DHs siblings to be like that!!!
Ali08: Sadly, the other two siblings can do no wrong in her eyes. She accepts her daughter’s reason of ‘it would be boring’ for her not coming. Her other son, in truth, does have a condition that would make it difficult for him to come, but, as ever, this is a long standing thing, having gone on for years and years, and I think we just reached the end of our tether.
She also will not go in a home. She has seen friends go in and they’ve hated it. I have suggested she give it a try just for a week, to see if she might feel more entertained, but she has refused.
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