True friend or not ?

Doodledog, apologies for sounding mean. I was really upset, too, when a couple of my late husband's 'best' friends just suddenly disappeared when he became ill. It happens a lot ('leukemia phobia' - as if it's catching). It seemed to me that, being no longer available for golf or snooker, he served no useful purpose to them - so was discarded. There are always givers and takers - but some are just scared.

No need, Hetty. I just thought the OP might be a bit upset by your comment.

Yes, I think that there are those who are scared of illness. I also think that they should be less self-absorbed, but that's a different matter. Sorry to hear about your husband.

People can be strange. A lady from a different area joined a group
I was in. She immediately latched on to me and wanted me to call round and go out several times a week.
I enjoyed these outings and thought we were good friends.
One morning I rang to say I was thinking of dropping in and she said don't come until after lunch, the men are here. What men?the removal men.she was packed and ready to move to the west country and I never heard from her again! I think something must have been going on to make such a sudden and secretive move.

I think Hetty might be right. Some people back off from illness. Maybe she felt she should be offering you something now you are so unwell that she knew she could not offer. If you did all the driving who could bring her to see you? Did she realise what would happen when she moved and be in the situation she first was in when you met her not being able to get to places?
I hope you are keeping well now just keep to yourself and your family and get well and see if she contacts you when she has got settled. You were the giver in the situation and maybe she realises just how much she relied on and perhaps took advantage of you.
Get well soon.

When my children were small I had a good friend who lived nearby. We went on holiday together, had nights out, looked after one another's children etc and I thought we were close.

She moved away because of her husband's job, and I never heard from her again. Nor did any of the other young mums in our 'set', so she wasn't simply relieved to get rid of me . I think she was just one of those people who saw friends as people who lived nearby. It wasn't a case of being used, as it was a 2 way street when she lived locally. She just 'moved on'.

Bit nasty hetty58. I just think we give as much as we want to give I’ve been in a similiar situation with a close friend and have felt it a bit unequal I am now standing back a bit and reassessing the situation. You did deserve better I think. Hold back and see if she contacts you. Has she backed of with the new house and distance?

Cheeseplantmad I'm sorry you've been ill and hope you feel better now. Your friend is what's known as "flaky". I had something similar, except she was also one of my family once (she was in a relationship with my son). She let me down without any reason or excuse. Walk away, don't contact this woman again. You have done nothing wrong. The fault is with her. Keep going to your church, and any other activities, and you'll find kinder people to be friends with.

Hetty58

Cheeseplantmad - a true friend gives without ever expecting anything back - so have you really been a true friend to her? It seems as though you've been keeping count of everything you've done for her. 'I took her under my wing' sounds rather superior too. She's probably very busy. She may well be afraid of anything illness-related - as many people are - especially with the pandemic ongoing. Perhaps, though, she's glad to have some distance, now, from a rather overbearing friendship and is moving on?

Ouch ! …. ..Hetty 58 ! ! I certainly am not the type of friend who gives and expect something back , no way ! I just feel that if a friend gives/ shows you kindness then it is nice to feel/ be appreciated, and , in this friendship, looking back , I feel that I had been taken advantage of .
When I first met her she were very keen to make friends as she has no friends / family and were more than happy to want to text or phone most days .

I do feel insulted by your suggestion she be glad to have some distance from ‘ overbearing’ friendship , because my life never revolved around her as I have other friends , my family and many interests of my own .

You may have seen her as a friend but she may not have seen you as one. Who initiated outings and meet ups? If it was always you then maybe she was just being polite in accepting lifts etc.

I live alone, happily, but find it difficult to refuse well meaning peoples invitations or help that are given because they cannot believe that I am happier alone.

Sorry to hear you have been so unwell Cheeseplantmad. Sending best wishes for your speedy recovery.
I’m unsure how long the woman lived in the same village as you and wonder if it’s significant that she had no friends twelve months ago.
Personally I wouldn’t contact her again. The ball is in her court now. Focus on your family and friends.

Oh that's awful for you, Cheeseplantmad!
I hope you're well on the road to recovery now. I'm sending you some virtual 🫂
Take care of yourself! xx

Didn't realise she knew you were ill and then in hospital Cheeseplantmad. I'd also feel hurt 💐

A 'fair-weather' friend as my Gran would say. Sadly there are countless individuals who behave in exactly the same, abhorrent, way.
Move on, forget her and concentrate on getting yourself well.

Yes you see the type of friend pple need maybe you are wasted on her

Whatever her excuse might be Cheeseplantmad, if she has one, I’d let it slide and move on. You sound like a very kind person and you don’t need friends like that. It’s one thing doing all the running around for appointments etc, but that of course was your choice through thoughtfulness, but her thoughtlessness when you could do with her support is just too much. It’s her loss, I don’t think this friendship it’s worth pursuing. I hope you are recovering well.

don't take it personally, it is her issue.. you behaved with integrity and kindness.. I hope you recover soon...

I'm sorry you've been hurt but just let her go. I had someone I thought was a friend. When her husband left I spent hours on the phone just listening whilst she tried to deal with everything and I spent many years afterwards keeping in touch, despite the distance and a life of work and caring for 3 small children. Later, when I hinted that I was going through the same marital problems she never thought to check if I was okay. I finally realised the truth when, one awful day, feeling at my lowest, I reached out and called her. As soon as she answered she immediately launched into a list of her current worries. When I tried to talk about the awfulness at my home she really wasn't interested and seemed quite annoyed. I was devastated. I had always thought of her as my best friend. The truth was that, to her and to the lady you describe, other people are there to make their own lives easier and they have no awareness of any other possibility. Just let her go.

As they say, “friends for a reason, friends for a season“. It’s happened to me more than once

I think we have maybe all come across someone like that. The decision is yours whether you value her friendship or need it enough to keep it going. Sorry to hear you have been ill, hope you are on the mend and feeling better now.

So sorry you’ve been so poorly - hope you’re on the mend soon. On the face of it, it does seem that your friend has taken you for granted. As others have suggested, it may just be a case of her being busy after the house move, but that’s no excuse for not contacting you if she knew you were in hospital. I think the only thing you can do is put this down to experience - you’ve done nothing wrong, you were a good friend to her, so it’s her loss.

Time to move on. Stop expecting everyone is like you, should do this should not do that. Concentrate on getting better. Good luck

You would be justified in telling her she hurt your feelings.
Maybe she has a distorted idea of what friendship normally involves, and you would do her a favour in telling her she did not reciprocate your many kindnesses. At least that would give her a chance to make an excuse for not sending you a kindly phone message.

When you have the energy maybe you could decide what, if anything, you get out of associating with her. Do you have actual fun by being together?

Don’t contact her again - just get better and enjoy your family and other friends xxx

Annanan

As they say, “friends for a reason, friends for a season“. It’s happened to me more than once

It's sad that saying is true.
Sometimes I feel like hibernating.

I am so sorry to read your post cheeseplantmad
It sounds very hurtful. Whatever the reason she has ignored your plight and seems to think only of herself.
I know somebody like this.
She's gone now and good riddance.
Concentrate on your recovery and going back to your clubs to find who your true friends are.

You have reminded me to phone a friend who has recently had a bad fall!