At a loss

I don't see why it should be necessary to lie to your son and daughter in law ClareAB as Grandetante said nothing will improve until you learn to say no and mean it. Decide with your husband the amount of help you feel able to comfortably offer your family then tell them this is what you are prepared to do.
Time for them to stand on their own two feet and for you and your husband to have time to yourselves without stress.

Thank you for all your responses.
The only reason I don't discuss my issues with my DIL with my son, is that I feel I should be woman enough to discuss them with her.
Using my son as a go-between would put us all in a horrible position.
I hope I haven't given the impression that I'm demonising my DIL whilst nominating my son for a sainthood. Far from it. As I said in the original post, they are both chaotic.
My concern is around my DIL and her health, mental and physical.
We are all doing everything we can to support her, and I seriously don't know if she's mentally or physically ill. If so, to stop helping would be unkind. But, on the other hand I don't want to feel resentful. Perhaps the problem is, is that no matter how much, or what you do, she never seems happy.
One of the reasons we have stepped in, is because if my son has to keep taking time off work to look after her, do the school run etc, he will lose his job.
The whole situation is tricky.

What you are doing is putting your dil in the middle.

"Being woman enough to talk directly" is a cop out and putting more unnecessary pressure on her, as well as perpetuating an old fashioned custom of "men cannot be bothered "

You gave birth to your son - he is the link to his nuclear family

He picked her, he has to deal with her - not you or your husband

I am sorry, but I wonder to what extent your DiL is really ill and how much she is pulling a fast one with vague inspecific ills that mean she cannot do anything she doesn't want to do.

Years ago, I shared a flat with someone who used not feeling well, feeling wobbly, and lots of non-specific ills to dodge out of doing a her fair share of keeping the flat in order. Fortunately I was in the position of being able to find myself accommodation elsewhere.

'The only reason I don't discuss my issues with my DIL with my son, is that I feel I should be woman enough to discuss them with her.
Using my son as a go-between would put us all in a horrible position.'

Yes, I get that but what is he doing to help? You're not married to her, he is.
Wheres he?

you are too enmeshed in their family;
it's not healthy.

My beautiful daughter and her lovely partner struggled with so much in life. We did every last thing we possibly could to support them however hard it was for us. She took her life a month ago. I could not be more heartbroken and I will never regret that we did all we could to help them even though ultimately it wasn't enough.

So sorry Annajay 💐💐❤️❤️ Nothing anybody can say to make this better for you but thinking of you xxx

you did everything you could. So very sorry.

Annajay My deepest sympathies.

If you don't look after yourselves you will drop with exhaustion. If I was you I would do a hotel spa break and take time out away from it all and turn your phone's off too. If you weren't there they would have to manage it all themselves. They are taking the Mickey pushing you to do much. Please take care.

Why is your son not taking his own daughter to school?

The reason my son can't take his daughter to school is that he has to be at work an hour before. He teaches at another school a half hour commute away. Their daughter attends a school ten mins walk from their home.
The added complication is that although DIL has a driving license, she says she is too scared to drive. I get that, but she has been offered everything possible, further driving lessons for nervous drivers in their own car, hypnotherapy, she has refused it all. Which, as we live in an area where public transport is terrible, means that everyone has to take her everywhere.
I feel frustrated as she blocks any solutions that could make life less stressful for her.
I don't believe it's my sons job to act as a go-between. Frankly he has enough on his plate right now. Obviously there's a lot more to the story, which is perhaps why I'm feeling a bit at the end of my tether.

Oh dear. Maybe after the move you are just very tired and down?
What began as an exciting adventure - helping them move- has resulted in bitterness and recriminations.
Back off and nurse your wounds, quietly
I'm sure it will work out alright.

My in-laws helped us after we moved house 40 years ago and got carried away! To the extent that he (fil) painted the sitting room and bought horrid carpet and fitted it as a surprise
I was the ungrateful DiL.
They did a lot to help as well but I remember feeling very tense until they finally left after several weeks.
DH asked them to and his dad said they would "never darken our door again" . Luckily they did and we were friends again.

So sorry about your DD, Annajay.

Hithere, You gave birth to your son - he is the link to his nuclear family. He picked her, he has to deal with her - not you or your husband

Yes.

She's not your child, speak to your son about your worry.

Sorry but I think you need to back away and leave them to sort out their own lives rather than helicoptering them and then seething with resentment (but only against DIL and not your son)

They are a professional couple and can manage their own lives - you sound as though you have become so enmeshed in running errands and crisis management that they are just taking it for granted - both of them!

Your son needs to take responsibility as well - they both work so they both need to step up and manage the home
- they need wrap around care for the school runs from breakfast clubs, childminders or nanny
- both are capable of doing an online shop to be delivered evenings or weekends
- both can do washing
- the lack of move preparation is down to both of them
- if DIL cannot get to the doctor then there are plenty of online options
etc etc

You need to stop dashing in to solve their problems and let them sort it out

PoppyBlue

You need to stop doing everything and more.
What is your son doing? I know you said he's swamped and stressed but it sounds like your DIL is too?

It sounds like you're picking up the jobs he should be doing/helping with?

This was my feeling too

If your grand daughter is at a school 10 minutes walk away then DIL needs to get up earlier and walk her daughter to school!!
If she won't take the help offered to assist her in overcoming her fears of driving then she has to deal with the inconvenience of dealing with day to day stuff of getting cold and wet and walking everywhere until she is ready to accept the help she has been offered or get a bike!!
She appears to have dropped her responsibilities as a parent and adult by allowing you and your DH to do everything for her.
If she is depressed or anxious then that can affect what she does on a day by day basis - she won't feel that she can do this or that but she is able to manipulate people into doing stuff for her!! She either really is ill, depressed and needs help or very clever at off loading her responsibilities.

What does she do if you go away for a week or two on holiday? I hope you don't book for the summer holidays when you can take advantage of off peak rates in term time.

Take some time out for yourselves - it is the holidays - so step away completely - lie in - ignore the phone - go out for lunch - or just do nothing at all. Just take time for you two.

Annajay

My beautiful daughter and her lovely partner struggled with so much in life. We did every last thing we possibly could to support them however hard it was for us. She took her life a month ago. I could not be more heartbroken and I will never regret that we did all we could to help them even though ultimately it wasn't enough.

I am so sorry for your loss, annajay.

Op

Then your son makes other arrangements for her daughter to go to school

You put all this mess in your dil when your son is supposed to be innocent here - so not the case

What would your son do if you were not here to enable aka help?
They have to do that then

Annajay how heartbreaking for you all. Like you say you did everything you could. So, so sad xx

Annajay I am so very sorry for your loss.

If your DIL is feeling so ill, then how come she doesn’t make a point of going to the doctors to actually find out what’s wrong with her ? Also, if she is so scared / nervous of driving , then how come she wanted to learn to drive and to pass her test in the first place ? Also , question being , how DID she pass her test if she were so bad ? What a cop out ! Why couldn’t they sort out their own washing while they were moving , that’s what everyone else would have to be doing ? These questions would make me wonder if she’s pulling a fast one as it’s easier for her to pass the buck onto you ? I think I’d need to seriously get to the root of the problem rather than just continue as things are .
As others have said , why can’t she do online shopping and pay for it theirselves? Be ‘ woman ‘ enough to get to the root of the problem , as I get the feeling your being taken for a ride on this one .

I'm so very sorry for your loss Annajay.

I too think you need to communicate better with your son

Also you need to learn to say no

People will rely on you if you let them, you are no longer parenting children... it's time to take off the apron

OP, twice now you've said about not wanting to make your son into a go-between.
can you not see how cock-eyed that is.
do you think you might be caught up in a co-dependent situation.
do you need to be needed?
just step away. live your own life. don't try to live theirs for them, or to live yours through them.