At a loss

*Annajay I am so sorry for your loss

I know someone who's entire life consists of helping her elderly mother and/or her youngest (grown up) child. Both of them are very demanding of her time and, seemingly, in competition to claim it. When she went on holiday, though, they both managed just fine without her. Funny, that - isn't it?

Clare Because they are a bit chaotic and dramatic, as well as deaf to any suggestions of things like, packing before hand, getting a skip, sorting out removal van etc, my husband and I ended up being heavily involved with childcare, tip runs, liaising with removal companies, sourcing boxes, doing endless amounts of laundry as they had bin bags full, moving boxes and boxes of stuff they hadn't packed when the moving van came, and paying for a cleaning service to do an end of tenancy clean on their old house

So this suggests that your conversations need to be with both of them! Your comments suggest that they are both causing the problems, and you are running around solving the problems for them. .

*My DIL was at a works party literally 5 mins walk down the road from their house (day time). I wrenched my shoulder lifting the laundry, I have spondylitis in my neck and back which can flare, the carpet fitters rang to say they would be ready within half an hour, could I please return and pay them.
I rang my DIL, explained re the carpet fitters, and dodgy shoulder and asked if she could nip home to pay the carpet fitters, a 10-15 min round trip, walking. She said no, she was at an 'event' and currently sitting at a conference table, and had to go*

You asked if she could go home!! Why did you not just inform her that the carpet fitters needing paying and you could not deal with it, so you would leave it with her. And that you had to go as you were dealing with their washing and your very painful shoulder. Can you see the difference. By doing tge above you are putting the responsibility on to her and leaving her to solve their problem!

Since the move, she has been unwell, exhausted and feeling wobbly. So my husband and I have been getting up at 6.30am in the morning to drive over and take our granddaughter to school, then go shopping, pick up granddaughter etc.

But she still managed to go to a works event!! You need to decide what you are able to/happy to do and tell them together what that is, leaving them to find a solution to whatever is left!! It is their responsibility not yours and nothing will change while you solve everything whilst feeling resentful!

*For eg. My husband decided to let me sleep yesterday morning as I had a migraine in the night, he turns up to pick up Granddaughter , DIL is up, dresssed, wants to come. After dropping off granddaughter, she asks husband to take her.to local doctors surgery to pick up prescription, then when they get there she tells him its a half hour wait in the car for the pharmacy to open. The frustrating thing, is if she had been open about it from the start, e wouldn't have minded, but he felt manipulated,
DIL then asks me to go shopping, messages list, shopping done and delivered, no offer to pay for it.It all sounds kind of petty, but we are both exhausted as we both have our own health issues.*

So why were the following things not said?

"Why didn't you say we would have to wait half an hour for the pharmacy to open?"

"I had a migraine in the night so no I am not up to doing your shopping"

"Here is your shopping. Here is the receipt. You owe me ...."

Can you see how you seem to be enabling the behaviour from both of them by your own behaviour?

You need to talk to them both, go through your concerns, tell them what you can do from now on, do it, and leave the rest to them!

Good luck

Just a thought here, i might be reaching... I probably am, but: your dil has private medical through her work and was unable to leave a conference table. Sounds like a high power (ie high pressure job). Is your son the lower wage earner? Perhaps there's an expectation that if she's dealing with all this work pressure, earning the bulk of the money, he should be picking up the slack? And he isn't, hence why you're being dragged into it and why she's so unhappy? I wouldn't want my mil picking up my family's slack when i felt my oh had the capacity to stand up and just wasn't doing so.

Maybe it's unreasonable to expect him to sacrifice his job for his family but plenty of women do this every day for their higher earning husbands and society doesn't bat an eye?

Annajay - so, so sorry for your loss. It puts everything I’ve been worrying about today into perspective

Step back otherwise they'll never learn.

Oh Annajay I'm so terribly sorry. 💐

How is this couple preparing to celebrate Christmas? From what you say they seem incapable of organising their daily lives, so who is doing Christmas? But as it holiday time they cannot continue to evade a discussion.
Following the festivities you need to have some sort of family conference to organise child care as I cannot imagine the five year old is flourishing in this chaotic situation. Then the finances need to be sorted out and all the money you have paid out reimbursed. Are they having trouble paying the mortgage?
Finally, your daughter in law's health has to be addressed; impossible to say if she is ill, tired, depressed or simply expecting everyone to take responsibility for her life without making the slightest attempt to help herself; I wonder how well her high-powered (?) job is going?
I suspect she isn't coping but she has to be honest as to why, then you can judge exactly how much help you are prepared to give, to help them sort out their problems, short-term.
This isn't a problem that is going to sort itself.