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Am I over-reacting because my apology seems to have fallen on deaf ears

(38 Posts)
Ramblingrose22 Sat 17-Dec-22 14:01:30

I belong to a small group who meets for lunch occasionally. It is a type of support group for some past experiences that we have all shared where we have aired our vulnerabilities.

We normally meet on Zoom every few months and occasionally face-to-face over lunch. I went to lunch with them recently a couple of days after finding out that my son had been signed off from his job with stress. I suffer from anxiety from time to time and this news has made me extremely anxious again.

I had hoped that a jolly lunch in new surroundings would be help me to relax a bit. Instead I talked far too much just to keep out any more intrusive thoughts. As a result one of the others asked me to stop talking, although she did it tactfully so that the others would not hear. I apologised immediately to her and stayed much quieter for the remaining time.

I felt really mortified about this after the lunch as I knew I had made a fool of myself and that she was right. I had been probably rambling on incoherently at times about things the others were not that interested in.

The next day we received some lovely photos of the event but as I still felt bad, I decided to send an apology to everyone by email for my behaviour. I explained that I was anxious about my son and the reason for this.

I had expected a reply from at least one of them saying they were sorry to hear that I had been feeling anxious and that they hoped my son's situation would be resolved soon. However, all was silence. Maybe I annoyed them so much that my apology could not make up for my behaviour.

I have received an invitation to the group's next Zoom meeting because my name is in the group's email list but I feel too embarrassed to attend. I just feel like leaving the group, which makes me very sad. I like everyone in the group and had hoped my apology would be accepted but it feels like it wasn't accepted.

A friend whom I have told about this says I am over-thinking it and that the people at the lunch have probably forgotten all about it by now.

Am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of sympathetic reaction and should I simply leave the group as it feels like they are not being very supportive after all???

Thanks for reading this.

Iam64 Mon 19-Dec-22 16:47:02

Try not to worry and ruminate about this. Go to the next get together, zoom or in person and enjoy it

Norah Mon 19-Dec-22 17:19:15

Many things fall on deaf ears, people hear what they want to hear. People conclude from what they think was said. Go, enjoy and don't worry.

Esmay Fri 23-Dec-22 10:55:51

Just let it go .
No more apologies .
Once is enough .

We all do silly things and then feel acutely embarrassed afterwards .

Some of us have just had a drop too much of the booze at an event and other times sheer stress makes us behave in an inappropriate way .

A few months back , I was giving a lady garden advice - not realising that she is actually dying from cancer until she said that the garden was a bit much for her and explained why .

I know the feeling .

I'm really struggling with two gardens otherwise I'd be more than happy to tidy her overgrown shrubs

I wanted the ground to swallow me up .

So I bought her flowers and a card and apologised for being a pain in the
a--e .

It's best to apologise once and then , take a deep breath ...

AmberSpyglass Fri 23-Dec-22 13:48:06

I would find the apology email the worst part, tbh - it’s like you’re still dominating the conversation even after the get together. Just put it in the past, be conscious of letting other people talk but don’t stay silent and make sure you have other outlets for your quite understandable stress.

Luckygirl3 Fri 23-Dec-22 13:59:05

It is part of anxiety to ruminate on negative things - even when those things are not real.

It would be good if you could try and put this behind you and carry on going to the group. It is hard I know, but I am sure this is the best way forward.

Delila Fri 23-Dec-22 20:10:31

Your friends probably know you better than you realise and understand this was your way of working through your anxiety. They may already have noticed this is a tendency in you, just as you’ve probably noticed their individual foibles. Between you you have supported each other over a long period, despite one or other of you taking things too far occasionally.

Still you continue to meet and benefit from each other’s company. Don’t leave the group, nobody will think the worse of you, they know you too well by now.

Farzanah Fri 23-Dec-22 21:34:47

Your friend is right, you are overthinking this, and attaching importance to it that it doesn’t warrant, but it is understandable if you are stressed. Try and be kind to yourself. None of us are perfect, and this episode is now in the past and others have probably moved on, full of their own concerns and lives.

It’s common to have negative thoughts, with which to beat ourselves up with, but that’s all they are, thoughts from a self critical mind. We don’t need to accept them.

If a friend had your dilemma and offloaded to you, what would you say to her.? I bet it would be kinder than you are saying to yourself?

I don’t think you will be helping yourself if you leave the group

biglouis Sat 24-Dec-22 02:02:34

I mostly go with the maxim that the royal family use about never explaining or apologizing. Forget about it and dont sweat the small stuff.

Dibbydod Sat 24-Dec-22 02:31:14

At least it were brought to your attention of you rambling on , so in future can be a bit more careful of taking over conversations. I’ve been to many a lunch / meeting where there is always one who hogs the conversation, and I’ve often wished someone would tell them like they did you . Always best to just stop , listen , say few lines to add to conversation, as then everyone gets to have their say . Don’t stop going , just be more aware next time .

FarNorth Sat 24-Dec-22 03:31:48

Perhaps your friend saw that talking was making you more anxious , rather than helping you, and that was why she asked you to stop.
Don't worry about it any more and be your usual self at the next meeting.
Please don't give up on your friends, I'm sure they will have forgotten it already, if they even noticed.

FannyCornforth Sat 24-Dec-22 07:34:46

biglouis

I mostly go with the maxim that the royal family use about never explaining or apologizing. Forget about it and dont sweat the small stuff.

Oh, if only it was this easy!

Add me to the long list of anxiety sufferers. I have GAD
In your situation RamblingRose, I’d be worried that I hadn’t received a reply. I’m not saying that this is the correct reaction, it isn’t, but it is how I would feel.

I would send a cheery text to your friends wishing them a Happy Christmas, I’m sure that you’ll receive some replies and you’ll be able to relax a bit.

You probably are worrying about absolutely nothing, I bet you know that yourself, but the knowledge won’t stop the anxiety.

So send them a completely unrelated text, make it about them

Wishing you a peaceful and restful Christmas ⭐️

MayBee70 Sat 24-Dec-22 07:55:04

I still agonise over tactless things I’ve said to people over the years: one was a complete Freudian slip and I wish I could turn the clock back and not say it. I, too, talk too much when I’m nervous and someone once told me to shut up and still feel embarrassed by it.