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Am I over-reacting because my apology seems to have fallen on deaf ears

(37 Posts)
Ramblingrose22 Sat 17-Dec-22 14:01:30

I belong to a small group who meets for lunch occasionally. It is a type of support group for some past experiences that we have all shared where we have aired our vulnerabilities.

We normally meet on Zoom every few months and occasionally face-to-face over lunch. I went to lunch with them recently a couple of days after finding out that my son had been signed off from his job with stress. I suffer from anxiety from time to time and this news has made me extremely anxious again.

I had hoped that a jolly lunch in new surroundings would be help me to relax a bit. Instead I talked far too much just to keep out any more intrusive thoughts. As a result one of the others asked me to stop talking, although she did it tactfully so that the others would not hear. I apologised immediately to her and stayed much quieter for the remaining time.

I felt really mortified about this after the lunch as I knew I had made a fool of myself and that she was right. I had been probably rambling on incoherently at times about things the others were not that interested in.

The next day we received some lovely photos of the event but as I still felt bad, I decided to send an apology to everyone by email for my behaviour. I explained that I was anxious about my son and the reason for this.

I had expected a reply from at least one of them saying they were sorry to hear that I had been feeling anxious and that they hoped my son's situation would be resolved soon. However, all was silence. Maybe I annoyed them so much that my apology could not make up for my behaviour.

I have received an invitation to the group's next Zoom meeting because my name is in the group's email list but I feel too embarrassed to attend. I just feel like leaving the group, which makes me very sad. I like everyone in the group and had hoped my apology would be accepted but it feels like it wasn't accepted.

A friend whom I have told about this says I am over-thinking it and that the people at the lunch have probably forgotten all about it by now.

Am I being unreasonable to have expected some kind of sympathetic reaction and should I simply leave the group as it feels like they are not being very supportive after all???

Thanks for reading this.

swampy1961 Sat 17-Dec-22 14:06:20

They may not want to embarrass you - just go to the meeting and act as you usually do.
We all have moments like this - just don't dwell on it too much!

IrishDancing Sat 17-Dec-22 14:11:21

I think just go to the next meeting as usual and if nothing is said by anyone just try to forget it. I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you think and although no one has got in touch they’re probably all sorry about your son. Maybe they’re all busy with Christmas stuff. Try not to worry.

VioletSky Sat 17-Dec-22 14:15:09

What were you talking about?

I don't see any reason for not answering someone for being too chatty

You wouldn't owe an apology for that, maybe they just don't know how to respond or are worried they made you feel like you needed to apologise

icanhandthemback Sat 17-Dec-22 14:24:45

Ramblingrose22, I do this too and the more I search to make sure the people I am addressing aren't yawning from boredom, the more I witter on. Half the time I really don't recognise social cues in conversation. Afterwards, I go through things I have wittered on about and cringe. My husband says I must stop worrying and not bother about what other people think but it is difficult.

My advice to you would be to just go back the group and enjoy the bits you can. At least you know that there is someone who will gently indicate that you are overdoing the chatter so perhaps take that as a positive rather than a negative.

I hope your son is feeling better and you can relax a bit.

Hithere Sat 17-Dec-22 14:37:04

I see several issues here:
1. Why apologize to the whole group? This may have been seen as oversharing and more examples of the chatty behavior
It could also be seen as attention seeking as well
2. If you apologize expecting support and sympathy from the group, it may have been a reason why they do not reply
What is the purpose of the group?
Please look for support anywhere else instead of putting that role on them
3. Maybe only one person was annoyed at your chatting and everybody else was fine - is that a possibility?
4. Please don't leave the group. Learn from the experience and give short answers, do some people watching.

Hithere Sat 17-Dec-22 14:37:31

Yes, you are over reacting

Ramblingrose22 Sat 17-Dec-22 14:37:44

Thanks to those who have replied so far. icanhandthemback - the truth is that there are plenty of people like us who enjoy telling stories and anecdotes but I probably hogged the conversation a bit too much that day.

It's not a hanging offence and I am grateful to have had it pointed out to me. I just feel really embarrassed about it. It must be something I do when I'm stressed or anxious.

Apart from apologising and trying not to repeat the behaviour I am not sure what else I can do.

kircubbin2000 Sat 17-Dec-22 14:40:05

The last group lunch I went one of the older ladies did this. She went on for over 20 minutes about conversations her daughter had with someone we don't know. It was all 'she got dressed and went to the house, I told her not to go, She didn't listen, my husband said....etc'Really boring and we couldn't get a word in.
However, everyone likes her and no one wants to exclude her next time.

Calendargirl Sat 17-Dec-22 14:40:24

Perhaps the others in the group feel it’s a case of “Least said, soonest mended”.

I can imagine you feel awkward, but if I were you, I would go to the next meeting, but keep reminding myself to keep a low profile.

I’m sure the rest of the group are sympathetic to your anxieties, but feel it’s best if the just don’t pass any comment and maybe upset you more.

Nannagarra Sat 17-Dec-22 14:52:04

As a group you’ve shared vulnerabilities and they know you well enough to appreciate you’re anxious from time to time, that your son’s situation will have exacerbated your worries.
Your friend and husband have given you excellent advice.
The group won’t be as concerned about this as you are, probably aren’t giving it a second thought. That’s what you need to do. Yes, they do care otherwise your friend wouldn’t have tactfully and discretely spoken to you. The lack of response to your apology suggests they don’t see it as a big issue which embarrasses you. You’re not being avoided or ignored: you’ve been invited next time when you could have been left out.
Don’t leave the group. See them at the next meeting, be cheerful and smile throughout. You’ll be fine.

HousePlantQueen Sat 17-Dec-22 15:06:14

I agree with Calendargirl's comments, it is likely that your apology has been accepted, most will think that you have nothing to apologise for anyway, and they may think that by acknowledging your apology they are confirming that the apology was needed. Please attend the next zoom meeting, all will be forgotten.

Quokka Sat 17-Dec-22 15:07:07

To quote from Frozen …Let it Go!

It’s probably your very anxiety that’s making you worry more than you need to.

Allsorts Sat 17-Dec-22 15:12:04

Just go to the next meeting, perhaps just the one person that asked you to stop talking was waiting. to talk. I sometimes overthink things, I bet we all do.

silverlining48 Sat 17-Dec-22 15:18:19

Don’t worry, they will understand and it will be fine.

Smileless2012 Sat 17-Dec-22 15:24:21

Ramblingroseflowers. You say you suffer from stress and anxiety, and that recent news about your son had exacerbated this, and this is probably why you're feeling the way you are now.

As others have said, go to the next meeting and try not to dwell on this anymore. You've been invited to the next meeting which is surely a sign that all is well.

I tend to overthink things too especially if I'm upset and/or worried. I'm sure it will be fine.

Kate1949 Sat 17-Dec-22 15:30:47

Don't beat yourself up. Go to the next meeting. I too suffer from anxiety and tend to talk ten to the dozen, usually about rubbish, to cover up my 'nerves'. Nobody seems to mind but sometimes when I get home I think to myself 'You didn't let anyone get a word in edgeways'. People must think I'm very confident. I am the opposite!

Wyllow3 Sat 17-Dec-22 15:35:51

What Nannagarra says.

You've all been together a long time. I can really understand you concern about the "no replies" but its a signal imo "best left". Dont be ultra cheery, either, just be a listener and if someone asks after you give a truthful but succinct reply. Yes it will be hard to go.

Your anxiety levels are very high. You could consider seeking some help for that Ramblingrose22. Although the group have shared vulnerabilities, it's not a therapy group. Try and get that need met elsewhere.

Its hard to learn to contain extreme anxiety to be able to be "appropriate" in different groups whilst still being "true to yourself" but it is possible x

Ramblingrose22 Sat 17-Dec-22 15:37:18

Once again, many thanks to those who have taken the trouble to reply.

To answer a few questions, the purpose of the group is to share certain experiences that we all had from childhood and to explore the impacts of these experiences on our lives. Some of the impacts have been similar and relate directly to wartime experiences of one or more of our parents.

The group is only 9 members including me. There were only 5 of us at the lunch and the apology went only to those who attended the lunch.

I still feel very embarrassed about my behaviour and feel like I would only be " brave" enough to attend the next meeting if my anxiety has gone or my son's situation has been resolved.

Let's hope both of these things happen by then.

Nannagarra Sat 17-Dec-22 16:21:02

I realise I’ve invented some matrimonial advice but have I missed something here? Have you committed a heinous crime? No.
So, you’ve rambled on about an issue which bothered you. No big deal. Absolutely no big deal.
Your behaviour? I don’t see it that way and doubt your friends do. Put aside your embarrassment and enjoy their company.

Wyllow3 Sat 17-Dec-22 16:30:37

"Have you committed a heinous crime? No"

That's right. Dear Ramblingrose22 do seek out a bit of help? Yes so many of us worry about "what we've said and that it might have been AWFUL"
its a matter of degree, and if it stops you keeping friendships up dont struggle on too long.

welbeck Sat 17-Dec-22 17:03:29

agree with Hithere above.

Grams2five Mon 19-Dec-22 16:03:20

Perhaps it’s just me but I do r think you did anything to apologize for in the first place and perhaps that is why the others didn’t know how to respond. Were you overly chatty during one lunch ? Perhaps but I can’t imagine telling a grown adult to stop taking however politely - I actually think that person was quite rude !

Doodle Mon 19-Dec-22 16:12:18

I agree with everyone else. Go to the next meeting. Act normally. Let others do the talking for a bit and the. Join in.
I often send emails that go unanswered. I was convinced recently that I had done something to upset my SIL as I sent her about 4 emails and had no reply. She replied quite pleasantly to the last one and made no mention of the other three. People lead busy lives.
Don’t give up on a group you enjoy because of this.

Doodle Mon 19-Dec-22 16:13:06

Sorry, I forgot to add I hope your son gets help with his stress and is able to return to work soon.