Washing dishes

I cook, make a mess and my DH clears it all up as soon as we have finished eating. He loads the dishwasher and empties it the next morning.

I am amazed that there are so many Gransnetters here who think it's reasonable to expect the clearing up to be done to suit the person who is NOT doing it!

Sheian62? This is all about you! You say "it's making me feel angry" - well frankly as an adult you should be able to control your anger about something so inconsequential. This is way over the top.
I hope you never have anything major to get wound up about.

Maybe just take a deep breath, look away. Tell yourself that you are gifting this respectfully to him because he matters to you. We all put up with small irritations because we love. Try to see this as a little quirk of his and love him in spite of it.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx

Perhaps he likes to watch tv after he’s eaten? Doing the washing up when you want it done would cut into his evening wouldn’t it? Be grateful that he does the washing up willingly, without having to be nagged.

I can never understand people who 'do not cook'. How would they manage if they are ever left on their own. A basic skill to have surely?

I would just shut the door and ignore the washing up. Probably part of his plan to make you do it in your frustration. Job done!

It would not bother me and I would be happy with it being someone else doing the dishes. We don't have any particular system for who does what in our kitchen although as I wake up early I like the kitchen sink area to be tidy and shiny, first thing and it usually is. If it irritated me so much I would do the washing up myself and not be resentful I was doing it as it would be my choice. It's his home and kitchen as well as yours so you can't expect to act like his Mum and tell him to do chores.

I think this calls for compromise on both side, you want him to change so surely you have to meet him halfway.

Personally, I would get him involved in meal planning, preparation and cooking, making it a joint venture - what will he do when you're not around? how will he cope then?

By making the cooking a joint venture the washing up can then be done by you both after the meal..........as a joint venture.

Sheian you could ask him nicely to wash up earlier, but if it doesn’t suit him then the problem is yours I am afraid.
You have to find a way to stop it irritating you.
There are people on GN who no longer have an OH to do anything with or for them who would not mind your problem at all.
Please don’t let it make you angry. 💐

Would only be a small amount then,enough to let him think he was doing his share and enough for you to feel tidy,I do understand,I cant stand the mess either.

We have a similar routine here. I mostly cook and DH clears up afterwards. He doesn’t do it immediately after eating either. It can be anytime up until 11 at night depending on what’s on TV. I close the kitchen door and just ignore it. It’s always done in the end and we do have a dishwasher. In the scheme of things, I don’t feel it’s a huge deal for me, personally. It could be worse - he might be one of these husbands who do nothing!

Yes you’re being unreasonable, for heavens sake the man washes up, who cares if the kitchen has an unwashed sink in it for two or three hours in the evening when you’re both relaxing
Relax yourself be happy you have a husband to wash up and be happy you have a husband who will wash up
I bet many divorced and widowed ladies would love to have their man to wash the pots up whatever time

My dh doesn’t cook, but clears up the kitchen, loads the dishwasher - he mostly does it shortly before bed, while watching the 10 o’clock news. It bothers me not at all - I much prefer cooking to clearing up.
I’m another who wonders why you didn’t put a dishwasher in your new kitchen!

Could you wash up as you work,clean as you go,I have a small kitchen,tiny amount of worktop space,until I got a dishwasher,for that reason,is the only way I could manage.

Like you I feel uncomfortable with washing up waiting to be done. I tend to wash the cooking pots and pans as I go along so there are just the serving dishes and plates to wash at the end of a meal.
I would prefer those to be washed asap but that is OH's job so is done to his timetable - I'm lucky that he does do it straight away most of the time.
As Ziplock says it's not worth sweating the small stuff.

We have one of those 2 drawer dishwashers and use it every day. We still wash certain pans and frypans by hand - mainly because they take up too much room in the dishwasher. I don’t put the glass thermal coffee cups in because someone told me not to. I wouldn’t care what time my husband did the dishes- just go and watch tv in another room like I do !

For forty years I have had this situation with my husband. I go to bed at 10 he at 12. The kitchen is left as it stands after dinner and he likes to stack the dish washer and wash up any extra dishes himself. This situation can be used to your advantage. i.e. that all dishes are dried and put away, advantage clear kitchen in the morning. If family/friends visit for lunch he is responsible for dishes etc. Should you really be narked by situation just go into kitchen while he is in sitting room and start clanking pots and pans together so as to irritate him in his routine and he will hopefully jump up and tell you to leave it all alone as it is in hand. You do need an iron will though.

Sheian62. Your DH is misinformed, modern dishwashers use less water than you use over a day washing - and less electricity.
here is a link www.which.co.uk/news/article/which-research-reveals-how-little-water-dishwashers-use-compared-to-hand-washing-aUDng9Y2iK8E

I have a full size dishwasher and use it every 2 days.

Buy a dishwasher and fill it as you go along.

The OP's system wouldn't work in our house because our water system is very noisy. I go to bed early as I need to be up early. The noise of taps being turned on and off would wake me up. As it is I leave a flask of hot water for MrB to make his strawberry and elderflower tea late in the evening.

And I do the washing-up pretty much straight after tea. I like washing-up. It's a kind of meditation for me. MrB helps before I start by scraping the plates and wiping up fat deposits with paper towel, all of which goes into the food recycling bin. We have to be ultra careful about keeping our drains fat free.

In your position and in your frame of mind, I'd do the wshing-up when it suited me rather than getting het up about it not being done in my preferred time scale. Is there another job your husband could do in his own time instead of washing-up?

Well, I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

For a start, washing stuff up straightaway means it’s so much easier to do, instead of food remnants being glued to crockery and pans.

And to me, getting things like the washing up ‘done’ as soon as meal is over means you can sit down with a clear conscience, knowing the kitchen is tidy.

I would hate it if the doorbell went and a visitor came in, to see a pile of washing up waiting to be done in the sink.

I would ask him why he doesn’t do it earlier, and if no satisfactory answer, would do it myself as soon as meal is over, and hope the message gets through.

(Flouncing about as I did it! )

Yes, I think you are being rather unreasonable, sorry! If you are sitting in another room watching tv then why should it bother you? As long as he does it properly and puts it all away I don't see where the problem is. Or is it that you want him to watch a particular tv programme with you.?

His chore, his choice. I do empathise but it's not all about you.

NotSpaghetti

But Maggie, there's no saying he would need to load the dishwasher till 12pm!

Oh yes, I hadn’t thought of that!

I think that you are being a bit unreasonable. Your DH does do the washing up - it’s just that he doesn’t do it as soon as you’d like him to. Why is this such a problem for you? Is it because your kitchen is a kitchen diner and you see the dirty dishes piled up once you’ve finished eating? If this is the case, I can understand why you find it irritating to be looking at dirty pots long after you’ve eaten and you’re now trying to relax in the same room. If that’s the situation, then suggest you tackle the clearing up together so that you can both relax for the rest of the evening in a clutter free space. However, if you are not in the kitchen area once you’ve eaten, but in a room closed off from it, then try to relax and not let the fact that there are dirty pots still waiting to be washed sitting in the kitchen - leave it to your DH to sort (which he does, by the sound of it) — watch the tv, go up for a bath, read in bed, whatever, and leave your DH to it and be happy that he’s content to do the washing up after you’ve spent so much time prepping and cooking. The thing is, If you complain about it too much, he might just take umbrage and leave you to the washing up as well, feeling that his efforts aren’t good enough for you, and then you’ll feel even more aggrieved at having it all to do.

Compromise, but don’t sweat the small stuff!

But Maggie, there's no saying he would need to load the dishwasher till 12pm!

Or 4), change your minds about the dishwasher. All the dirty pots and pans go straight in, so the mess is gone, as if by magic. They save time, rather than wasting it. And used properly - only set off when they’re full - they use less water and energy than washing up by hand.