How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

Expressing your disappointment and asking for a gift to be changed is fine Paddyann but it depends entirely on how that's done. Being bad mannered or rude about it will draw its own consequences which may well be no more gifts.

Nannageorge

I don't think that the OP is holding a grudge for over a year though VS. From what I understood in her post, she's been experiencing rudeness from her GC on more than this occasion and their behaviour hasn't improved. You know yourself that when you were particularly rude towards other posters, you were quite rightly called out on it. There's never any need or justification for rudeness, in children or adults.

I wasn't responding to OP I was having a chat with others on this thread and explaining that the idea to withhold a gift in future means ŵitholding a gift an entire year later.

Consequences a year later is not helpful. Especially if its consequences the grandchild does not know they are getting. Teens can change a great deal in a year, the only message sent would be that grandma ignored their birthday.

If there are consequences they should be immediate and explained. However grandparents cannot discipline a teen. So either they talk to the parents or they communicate to the teen and explain that their feelings were hurt and that they would like to make sure that gifts are liked and appreciated in future.

I was also not being rude I was trying to disengage from an argument. I'll just ignore in future

Exactly Nannageorge, often it's not what said that's the issue but the way it's said. It's simple enough to ask the giver if they would mind exchanging the gift for something else, just as it's simple enough to acknowledge receipt of a gift especially as a teenager, without having to be prompted to do so by mum.

Nannageorge

Expressing your disappointment and asking for a gift to be changed is fine Paddyann but it depends entirely on how that's done. Being bad mannered or rude about it will draw its own consequences which may well be no more gifts.

Yes, a reasonable result is no gifts.

Much like 'baby rabies' - wait!

Results are better if mum is not pushed beyond her limits.

I just can't help it, I'm an extremely gentle parent

I don't shout, I explain

I don't remove privileges, I have criteria for earning them

Consequences must be immediate and must be given in such a way that they are considered by the one given them, a time out is a time to calm down and think

I don't react to a behaviour, I look to understand it, children and teens often go through stressful times

I want my children to be good and polite people as most do but I don't hold them to perfection

VS thanks for further clarifying. I was misunderstanding your POV. Now I get it and agree.

The parents really need to be handling this rude behavior (or never allowed it in the first place)

imaround

My fault, I really didn't word it very well in the first place

I still feel we don’t know enough about the situation, we don’t know the back story, and we don’t know what the relationship is like on the other 364 days of the year.
It’s sounds like this teen has behaved rudely, but I don’t think we have enough information.

But is there any excuse for rudeness Sara? The OP's GD accepted the gift of money from her GM yet had to be told by mum to acknowledge it, and only managed a one 'word' text of thanx.

OP definitely needs to look into this situation further and have a chat to their relatives about it all, it would be a shame of the relationship was harmed long term by such a relatively small thing

Smileless
Yes I agree, absolutely no excuse, but I just feel we are missing something

Agent007, I think this is a clear case where you should be honest about your feelings of disappointment that your carefully chosen present was unacceptable.

I don't believe you are angry, you just think perhaps you should stand on your dignity and be angry. But this is your grandchild and you awe it to her and to yourself to tell her the truth which is that you are sad and disappointed. This is an opportunity to make the relationship better.

owe

Wish there was a like button sometimes

Smileless2012

But is there any excuse for rudeness Sara? The OP's GD accepted the gift of money from her GM yet had to be told by mum to acknowledge it, and only managed a one 'word' text of thanx.

I think if the parents have always insisted on thank you letters, even if teens don't write they would probably make a phone call, send a text message or WhatsApp message.

I don't choose anything for them now, either buy something as advised by their parents or give money they can spend.

I agree with you Sara.

A training in ordinary politeness does work for a time at least. But if the child is trained in ordinary politeness she may substitute polite behaviour for honesty in expression of her feelings.

While it's good to appear calm and polite vis a vis comparative strangers , when it's a relationship such as Agent 007 rightly expects then both of them should communicate honestly how they feel. The grandchild may be struggling to express herself but Agent007 has the right of a responsible adult to show the child honesty between friends.

VioletSky

I just can't help it, I'm an extremely gentle parent

I don't shout, I explain

I don't remove privileges, I have criteria for earning them

Consequences must be immediate and must be given in such a way that they are considered by the one given them, a time out is a time to calm down and think

I don't react to a behaviour, I look to understand it, children and teens often go through stressful times

I want my children to be good and polite people as most do but I don't hold them to perfection

You should write a book VS I think so many of us have a lot to learn from you. When you read 10 pages of responses yours is one of the few who agree with you.
You could make a bomb "How to bring Granny's ideas up to date".

These GC are brats! Were they always thus as small children and was no effort made by their parents to bring them into line? Honestly? It's up to the parents even now. Why not tell these kids - AC as well as GC that you'r considering re-writing your will?

You should write a book VS I think so many of us have a lot to learn from you. When you read 10 pages of responses yours is one of the few who agree with you.You could make a bomb "How to bring Granny's ideas up to date".

Grannys are not an amorphous mass all thinking the same thing! 🙄

Yammy

Or you could just allow me my own opinions and my own parenting

90% of my replies were addressing something that has been said to me. 10% were having a chat to people here who were doing the same

I don't disagree with othes by making personal comments either, I should put that in the foreword

Same here I gave £100 to new born baby granddaughter, never a thank you, neither for the £200 for cot and £200 wedding gift.

mabon1

Same here I gave £100 to new born baby granddaughter, never a thank you, neither for the £200 for cot and £200 wedding gift.

But if you read some posts on here, giving with the expectation of even something so small as a thank you is wrong.
The gift should have no strings attached.

I expect thanks-and so far, that’s what I get, whether as a text, a phone call, an email or if I see them, then a thanks in person.
I know things change; e.g. no more laboriously written thank you letters but good manners are good manners.

Newborns can't say thank you lol

Sorry

But why don't people communicate this?

It doesn't have to be confrontational, it can just be "did you enjoy my gift?"

I think a lot of the comments saying to make sure gifts are something that will be liked and appreciated are spot on

When did communication become so hard? I don't understand what is wrong with being honest in relationships and just saying how people feel...

I'm not neurotypical and cannot help saying if I don't like certain behaviours, so maybe I'm just wired differently but I also just say my piece and its over, no long term issues arise that way

Since when is expecting a thank you for a gift, giving a gift with strings attached? It's ridiculous Mollygo for anyone to feel they're wrong if they're upset/annoyed because a gift isn't acknowledged with a simple 'thank you'.

It's just not good enough is it mabon1. If people can't show their appreciation maybe they shouldn't accept the gift in the first place.

Do some really reach adulthood or become teenagers without having learned basic good manners?