How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

I don’t know about grandchildren not saying thank you, my late mother made it her life’s mission to be ungrateful. I’d bring her sweets from my holiday, she’d thank me nicely, and three or four days later say ‘Don’t bring me anymore of those, they’re horrible.’ Or even just give them back to me saying ‘Take them back, they’re not nice.’ I learnt to only bring certain things I knew she liked, and even then she’d change her mind and tell me she didn’t like them at all. Or she was fed up of them.
She drove me mad, but I loved her.

maddyone, my own mother had a problem with presents so never accepted a gift gracefully - only ever criticised or gave it back. Nothing was ever good enough.

When the children came along, she'd send a cheque (for a very small amount) for birthdays/Christmas - along with an expensive card (she was very picky about cards). We never cashed the cheques - and she never asked why!

M0nica

I do not hold children to different standards to myself. I always express my thanks when given anything, as much to children as anyone else.

Today I emailed my 15 year old grandaughter to congratulate her on doing well in a singing exam. Within a few hours I had had a reply, acknowledging my congratulations.

I do not hold children to different standards to myself. I always express my thanks when given anything, as much to children as anyone else.

I wanted to say something similar, but thought I'd get jumped on for not 'understanding' and expecting too much.

Don't we want children to grow into civilised adults?

@maddyone

I am living this right now with my Grandmother. She was so horrible this week my husband told her to be nice to me! I love her though.

You have to teach them and set a good example

So if teenage shenanigans means they miss a thankyou and you stop sending anything... expect to get nothing back because you just set a bad example of how to be an adult about stuff

@Dickens you make a good point. However what one person thinks is civilized, hand written thank you notes for a general example, another person thinks civilized is a text that says thx. Who gets to decide?

I realize that isn't what happened in the OP, I was just expanding on the topic as it has meandered.

Returning a gift so rudely is not civilized in ny eyes.

I disagree VS, to an extent.

Yes, adults should always be the adult in the room. However at some point, teens need to experience the natural consequences of their decisions.

It is a fine line, as a parent of teens, deciding which side of the line is best for each situation though.

This isn't a parent to teen problem though, this is grandma's relationship with teens

A parent would be in a far better position to give boundaries and consequences

Parent hasn't done the work here, well, either that or this is coloured because OP has a tense relationship with the parent

I just can't see any value in ignoring a teens special days as punishment, I'd talk to them about it, not show them we punish people to the extent that, we hold a grudge over rudeness for an entire year till the next birthday

Well for me a one word "thnx" sent because mum had been told there'd been no acknowledgement of the gift is bad manners.
'Thnx for the money grandma' wouldn't have taken much longer to send.

When our boys were teenagers I didn't expect to have to tell them to thank someone for a gift they'd received and never had too, but did ask if they'd done so.

Good manners are one of life's lessons, please and thank you are taught by example, reinforced when necessary but should have been learned by the time they're teenagers.

maddyone

I don’t know about grandchildren not saying thank you, my late mother made it her life’s mission to be ungrateful. I’d bring her sweets from my holiday, she’d thank me nicely, and three or four days later say ‘Don’t bring me anymore of those, they’re horrible.’ Or even just give them back to me saying ‘Take them back, they’re not nice.’ I learnt to only bring certain things I knew she liked, and even then she’d change her mind and tell me she didn’t like them at all. Or she was fed up of them.
She drove me mad, but I loved her.

I have exactly the same with my mum. It’s reached the point where my sister and I dread present-giving as we know that however much we try we will get it wrong. Things are returned to us, or she will ask what we were thinking of to choose that colour etc. It’s very hurtful. Yet she sets great store by cards, and would be upset if we didn’t set one for every occasion, as to her they are a measure of her popularity and worth as a person, whereas we see them as a commercialised rip-off. That’s a generational thing in reverse, yet we make allowances because she’s old, and ignore the fact that other older people manage to remember their manners. Is the ‘ungrateful’ grandchild much different?

Oh, and we were taught (by my mum) to thank people profusely whether we liked presents or not. Go figure, as the Americans would say .

I have always told my grandchildren and children that they are free to exchange anything, I always keep every receipt, and would much prefer they get something they actually like.
As for Thankyou, I see a lot of them, so it’s normally said in person, but the oldest two will just message, briefly.

Just wondering if the expression “bald rudeness” is unfamiliar to anybody else?
The idiom “barefaced cheek” is one I know well enough, but “bald” ?
Is it perhaps regional?

Foxygloves
I’ve never heard the term before

I can remember getting presents from both my grandmothers which I neither liked or wanted, but I think even at junior school age it did occur to me that saying that would hurt their feelings, and in those days we were expected to sit down and write a thank you letter, so I did my best to hide my disappoint.

I tend to find out what my grandchildren want or I send money, thus far I've always had an acknowledgement of thanks sometimes in a video call displaying "gift".

Manners cost nothing and a thank you oil the wheels of relationships and perhaps set an example of how to interact with people per se for satisfactory outcomes.

maddyone

I don’t know about grandchildren not saying thank you, my late mother made it her life’s mission to be ungrateful. I’d bring her sweets from my holiday, she’d thank me nicely, and three or four days later say ‘Don’t bring me anymore of those, they’re horrible.’ Or even just give them back to me saying ‘Take them back, they’re not nice.’ I learnt to only bring certain things I knew she liked, and even then she’d change her mind and tell me she didn’t like them at all. Or she was fed up of them.
She drove me mad, but I loved her.

Yes I can think of something similar, when we bought a Victorian house and invited in laws round they made all the right appreciative noises. When we sold it they didn't hesitate to tell us how horrible it was with a "what possessed you to leave that wall round the fireplace unfinished (deliberately exposed brickwork) can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would buy a house that has an un plastered wall" and then muttered something about "why should have got some nice aluminium window frames to replace the original Victorian ones"

I give money to my DGC unless they ask for something specific.
My 7yr old DGC kept butting in when I was talking to my DD. I told her to close her mouth, speak when you're spoken to and when I want your opinion I'll ask for it. Result they don't interrupt me anymore. Sometimes you need firm words with children.

Sara1954

I have always told my grandchildren and children that they are free to exchange anything, I always keep every receipt, and would much prefer they get something they actually like.
As for Thankyou, I see a lot of them, so it’s normally said in person, but the oldest two will just message, briefly.

Me too, and they will come to me and say do you mind if I change it for xxx, with a smile and a hug - not rude or hurtful at all and a world away from the OP - perhaps she could have a conversation with them, and aim at a solution like that?

imaround

@Dickens you make a good point. However what one person thinks is civilized, hand written thank you notes for a general example, another person thinks civilized is a text that says thx. Who gets to decide?

I realize that isn't what happened in the OP, I was just expanding on the topic as it has meandered.

Returning a gift so rudely is not civilized in ny eyes.

True.

I do make allowances - I don't expect hand-written letters of thanks, only an acknowledgement, in whatever form it comes.

When teens enter the adult world and the job market, they will be expected to respond to various gestures and acts. That's what I mean by "civilised" - simply acting with a degree of curtesy.

I’ve got my tin hat and flack jacket on.

Those children sound like a bunch of ill bred brats to my mind
( I know other excuses will become available).

I don't think that the OP is holding a grudge for over a year though VS. From what I understood in her post, she's been experiencing rudeness from her GC on more than this occasion and their behaviour hasn't improved. You know yourself that when you were particularly rude towards other posters, you were quite rightly called out on it. There's never any need or justification for rudeness, in children or adults.

Maybe 007 will come back soon and answer our questions - such as the mechanics of the returned gift, are there other grandchildren in this same family, could they be expecting an exchange... etc.

The last big mistake I made was buying a hoodie for one of my granddaughters from a shop she particularly likes.
I thought she would like the colour, and a discreet logo on the front.
What I didn’t realise is that this shop specialises in a small logo one side, but on the back a massive all over slogan.
When she opened it it, she was pretty surprised I’d bought her something with such an inappropriate and suggestive slogan.
We all had a good laugh, and I sent it back.

NotSpaghetti

Maybe 007 will come back soon and answer our questions - such as the mechanics of the returned gift, are there other grandchildren in this same family, could they be expecting an exchange... etc.

I think that the op is far less invested in this than we are!

I've done the nice acceptance for a gift that I knew I would never use ,recently .I just saw my friends wasting their money on something that would go in a cupboard and never see the light of day and maybe then go to the charity shop .

Surely we've long past an era where we have to feign gratitude for theings we dont want ? I'm happy my young folk can tell me if something isn't right ,its not bad manners its just common sense !