How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

I now give money for birthdays and Xmas presents to my two grandsons.

Trying to guess what and 18 and 20 year old would like present wise is a minefield.

I always get a text thank you back. No doubt prompted by their very conscientious mother. For which I am very grateful.

I usually buy clothes from a list they send me ,that way they get something they like.My middle GD 's clothes for her birthday didn't suit her so she asked to change it .It wasn't a problem ,we all buy things that look different when we get them home and I'd rather they were honest with me than leave something lying unwanted .
Mine all wanted money donated to Mental Health charities last month when they had birthdays ,the donations were made online and I still bought them presents simply because they were so caring of others .

I agree with some that you should address this with them kindly, but do it face to face, don’t respond via text to scold them, that way lies madness

I’m with blondiescot and with OP. How do children learn about manners…by watching and listening to interactions between others and by being corrected when their behaviour is below what’s expected. I’d be inclined to stop yr present giving in the meantime OP until your grandchildren’s manners smarten up.

That’s very thoughtless and rude, the parents should really be saying something, not you. I’d be the better person and just continue giving money, expect the short text and try not to let it get to you. It is hurtful and not a nice situation to be in , best of luck

Summerlove

I agree with some that you should address this with them kindly, but do it face to face, don’t respond via text to scold them, that way lies madness

Exactly

Communicate!

Don't just sit back and think "that's the last thing I am sending you", do something, communicate, find out their likes and interests, chase up those thank yous...

I can throw a good sulk as well as the next person but I know you have to talk things out eventually or the relationship just gets worse

Aw, sweetie, no, I didn't forget to get you a Christmas gift... it's just that I didn't want you to return it, as you did last year. I don't like wasting money. And I won't give you money because that seems so crass.

Aw, honey, I didn't send you any money this year, because I think that last year you were offended that I didn't take the time to choose a present for you, and sent you money instead.

Since they are rude, be rude back - but in a subtle manner.

Oh dear

I notice that the OP has not come back on any of this. Too much advice/argument? Seven pages of it!

Maremia

Hi Doodledog, my Gdaughter uses 'thx' in Whatsapps, so it is still in vogue.

Thanks (thx ). You live and learn.

Exactly!

Smileless2012

It would I'm sure be more helpful to respond to Agent's OP VS, rather than making assumptions that the relationship with the GC is distant, she doesn't know them well enough and the GC don't seem interested in communicating with her.

When a teenager is rude and ungrateful with a GP, why assume it's the GP's fault?
THIS⬆️

NanaDana

They returned presents to you? Really? Then the problem isn't just with the Grandkids, the parents are in there too. Frankly, if this happened to me, I'd just stop giving altogether. Use the money to treat yourself, or better yet, tell them that in future you'll be donating it to a Charity, where it will be properly appreciated. You win, the Charity wins, they lose... and maybe even learn a hard lesson in life.

NanaDana I think the idea of giving to charity is a good one.
I would actually do it on the granchildren's behalf and simply give them the acknowledgement of their donation as the gift.
They may not understand exactly what it entails, you can say that seeing they didn't appreciate your last gift you spent the money on their behalf toward a children's charity who will appreciate the thought, the money and the gesture.

I always made my children write and say their thank yous for presents given. It was an onerous slog but has paid off in their being grateful and appreciative adults. In consequence we have trusted them enough to give and loan as large sums of money we could afford for cars and homes.

I now have a twelve week old GC and expect her to be reared to be polite too.

Grandparents, many if you have large capital sums (in your houses) to leave when you exit the building. Ensure your children know it will go to the cats’ home if they or their children are abusive.

And put that money in a bank or building society, or an ISA. It is too easy for someone to find out that it is there, and where you keep it.

I stopped buying presents for the children of one of my sisters as they were never acknowledged . I warned them I would do this if they continued with not acknowledging and then carried it out when the behaviour didn't change.

Some responses have blamed the OP, so perhaps she's been put off coming back Nellietheelephant but I hope she's been reading the overwhelming supportive ones.

Not blamed the OP at all, that's very dramatic

Asked what they can do to improve the situation from their end

The grandchildren aren't here to explain that, if they want things they like they should communicate their likes to grandma or that politeness is a good thing they should practice

Also the OP does have distant family relationships, its in their post history. So obviously working on those relationships and having good communication would be a way to improve this situation

‘The grandchildren aren’t here to explain…’

The op isn’t here either, and hasn’t been for some while…

It seems to happen at least 50% of the time

Surely it is easier than ever now to message a reply through text or WhatsApp saying thank you.
Just wouldn’t buy them anything again if they did that to me.
They clearly have had too much given them.

VioletSky

It seems to happen at least 50% of the time

It certainly does. If not more.

Does it happen on MN too?
I haven’t been on MN for ages, but I don’t think it does, does it?

I'm sad to see several posters seeming to take the view that somehow behaviour like that could be in any way the fault of the grandparent. It's no wonder there seem to be so few boundaries in behaviour these days and that manners etc. seem to have declined generally. However bad the relationship is (unless there has been actual abuse on the part of the grandparent) behaviour like that is not acceptable. Are they autistic, perhaps? My heart goes out to you 007, but I would say families are not everything. Spend your money on yourself and your friends. I personally would tell them, pleasantly but clearly, why you are no longer sending gifts. Maybe they will eventually grow up and understand they must behave better.

FC I don't know, I joined MN very briefly once and it was just, overwhelming

I'd be absolutely fuming if one of my children asked their grandparent to return a gift if they didn't like it and have the money instead.

But my mother or MIL has never OFFERED to return a gift if one of her grandchildren didn't like it and have the money instead, the OP has in her past post.

So if she did it for one, the kid might of thought it was an option for her too.

If OP wants her grandchildren to have something they like either ask them or give them the money. Then there's no hurt feeling or faffing about returning things.