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To feel annoyance that D turns down bargain baby clothes

(77 Posts)
Pianokey Fri 04-Aug-23 14:15:45

My D and SIL are on a low income and have a four month old baby. They need more clothes for his age and I found a £20 bundle of 3-6 month clothes - nicely displayed so you could see all items, described as ‘nearly new’/‘new’ etc. 38 items in total. I offered to split the cost 50/50 (If I buy too many things for her I worry she will lose her sense of pride in providing for her baby). She replied that she didn’t like them so was not willing to buy them. I can’t believe she is so fussy! Other people receive hand me downs from family members with gratitude and are pleased to have any clothes, never mind ones they love. Why is she so fussy? Resisting the urge to tell her what I think as that would be disastrous! THeir car is on its last legs so we have had to insure my little car for her to drive so that we can all go on holiday together. There are so many ways she and SIL can save money but our relationship will suffer if I give her advice when it hasn’t been asked for.

25Avalon Fri 04-Aug-23 14:19:37

Not everyone likes second hand. Dd may be extra fussy as it’s for her baby, your gd, for whom she only wants the best and/or is scared of germs.

Hithere Fri 04-Aug-23 14:21:35

I started reading your post thinking she was rejecting the clothes because she didn't like them and bingo!
That is the reason she gave you

Who initiated this clothing search? Was it you wanting to help them or them asking for this?

grandtanteJE65 Fri 04-Aug-23 14:23:52

Sorry, but yes, you are being very unreasonable here.

Speaking as a person who like your daughter and son-in-law lived most of my adult life on a very low wage, I would have said the same when offered a bargain that consisted of clothes I did not like, especially for my child!

Why should she waste the little money she has on something that she does not like? Or wish to advertise her poverty by using hand-me-down clothes?

That said, you are absolutely right about one thing: your relationship will suffer badly if you give advice you have not been asked for.

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 04-Aug-23 14:24:29

Let her buy what she likes for her baby. She might not have a lot of money but she’s got pride and her own tastes and doesn’t want 38 cheap second hand items chosen by you that the baby will have grown out of within two months.
Yes, it would be disastrous to tell her what you’ve told us. Keep it zipped.

Jaxjacky Fri 04-Aug-23 15:17:18

I would’ve asker her before buying them, not assumed.

Norah Fri 04-Aug-23 15:25:03

Yes, you are unreasonable. She said no - drop it.

rafichagran Fri 04-Aug-23 15:35:45

Another unreasonable here as well.

Norah Fri 04-Aug-23 15:37:08

This is reminiscent of "my children won't take my old brown furniture" threads. My children will and do, I did as well, in fact still have all mum's and mil's old furnishings. Easy to please.

However many like their own style as has been pointed out 100 times.

Take a deep breath and move on.

Theexwife Fri 04-Aug-23 15:37:11

How would you feel if she bought you a bundle of second-hand clothes that you didn't like?

Hithere Fri 04-Aug-23 15:38:23

I don't understand the vacation part

Is it truly necessary if they are in low income and having issues clothing the baby, per your original post?

I am questioning the priorities here

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 04-Aug-23 15:46:11

They’re all going on holiday together Hithere. I wonder whose idea it was and who’s paying.

Pianokey Fri 04-Aug-23 15:49:26

Thank you everyone. It appears I am indeed BU so I’m glad I asked, as I needed to hear from you. . It was me that had a look on FB as I knew she was short of some joggers etc. So I thought I might be able to help. To be fair to me I showed her the FB link, I didn’t go ahead and buy anything. So many parents use hand me downs these days and there’s a move to being more sustainable and not keep buying new so I acted in very good faith. I buy lots of clothes on eBay and have never been someone who buys a lot of new things, and that is something I am proud of, given the stuff that goes to landfill these days, and the effect on the environment.
As you say, the clothes only last a few months and then they’re not needed so it seems reasonable to buy secondhand when they’re little and buy more brand new clothes when they’re older (and express an opinion) .
As regards the vacation, they haven’t had a holiday all this year and so we (hubby and I) are splitting the cost of a week’s holiday cottage with them which makes it affordable. I know exactly what you mean about trying to palm off brown furniture/tea sets etc. I would never do that. I honestly thought she might be pleased.
Ah well, this has been really valuable in terms of me reflecting on things. Thank you everyone.

NanKate Fri 04-Aug-23 15:50:40

PianoKey I think you are very thoughtful but have to accept your DinL doesn’t want the clothes. Her loss.

coco12 Fri 04-Aug-23 15:50:55

It's a nice suggestion but as she has said no, you should just forget about it now.

Smileless2012 Fri 04-Aug-23 15:52:10

It's understandable that you're concerned about their financial situation Pianokey just as it's understandable that your D wants to dress her baby in the things she likes.

NotSpaghetti Fri 04-Aug-23 15:58:58

If she doesn't like it she may like your half of the 50/50 offer (£10) to buy second hand of her choosing.

Do not choose for someone else's child I think!

My children and my grandchildren have all worn 2nd hand clothes happily but you could guess which mum chose them just by looking at the styles! Some things I've bought haven't been wanted by any of them grin
Won't do that again!

Mum 1 has always favoured stripes, lots of different colours and sort-of scandi/old hippie type things.

Mum 2 is very pink and Disney for the girls and very "ordinary" boys clothes. Quite conventional.

Mum 3 is rather quirky - can't describe it. Slightly odd - but it works!

The only things in common are that mums 1 and 3 tend to favour hand-knitted jumpers and cardigans.

They do pass things between them - but I know that much of it is passed on to other friends or the charity shop.

Sorry Pianokey - I think, as others here on Gransnet do, let the mum have autonomy in this. Nice thought. And kind. But no.

NotSpaghetti Fri 04-Aug-23 16:00:32

X post Pianokey I see you have been back. Sorry.

Farmor15 Fri 04-Aug-23 16:02:17

Although she rejected this selection, your daughter may rethink the idea of buying second hand in the future. But the main thing is that she goes online herself to find stuff.

My daughters pass on children's clothes to each other and also buy (and sell) online via Facebook or in charity shops. Neither is badly off but enjoy a bargain - like their mother!

Dickens Fri 04-Aug-23 16:16:46

Ah well, this has been really valuable in terms of me reflecting on things. Thank you everyone.

I think it's impressive that you've accepted criticism and are re-thinking!

When my son was a toddler and we were quite impoverished, I bought second-hand clothes, and was indeed given some. However, they were items that I chose because I liked them. We all have specific tastes - poor or not. I was once offered some t shirts in a horrible shiny 'nylon' type fabric with garish characters from whatever films / books were popular at the time. It was a kind gesture and they were perfectly washed and clean, but not the kind of clothes I'd ever have bought for him.

Beggars can't be choosers my relatives used to say. Well, in fact, they can!

Bella23 Fri 04-Aug-23 16:27:47

Don't bother again. I've just sent my daughter who has a slightly smaller foot than me a pair of sandles she told me they weren't leather and were cheap and nasty. I told her to look at the label which stated that both uppers and soles were leather. Yes I had got them in a sale but had been very expensive Russel and Bromley, I told her to give them to her sister and will not be passing on any more.

Franbern Fri 04-Aug-23 16:44:12

My parents were not well-off -,never had a car or even central heating. However, when my children were small wgot aould often rent a holiday cottage for us all to stay in for a week or two,they paid. Meant I got a break and they got a time with their much loved g.children.

Small babies do not many clothes particularly these days as they all wash and dry so easily - so if you can give them some money to buy their choice and forget trying to give them lesons in economy.

Harris27 Fri 04-Aug-23 16:54:25

Keep out of it best way. Granny of four.

Georgesgran Fri 04-Aug-23 17:05:11

Same as Farmor15.
DD1 was a demon buying (quality) second hand and even sold some on. Both DDs bought me ‘spares’ of big items to save lugging stuff through with them when visiting.
DD2 bought Turtle Dove stuff (?) and has sold most of it to the same lady, who has asked to be informed when and if there’s more to go.
I can totally understand if the OP’s DD didn’t like the selection. My MinL would buy Mothercare Seconds from her local market - they were absolute rubbish with so many faults and she’d even ask me to pay for them!!

Glorianny Fri 04-Aug-23 17:15:39

You should be really pleased with yourself. You asked if she wanted them and offered her help, she trusted you enough to say "No thank you"which means she feels she can be honest with you. I think we all had items, donated by well meaning relatives, for our children, that we put at the back of the wardrobe/drawers, and only brought out when they visited, because we hated the clothes, but were afraid to offend anyone by saying so.
You are obviously worried about them and their lack of funds. There are lots of facebook groups where young mums swap items. The rule seems to be you accept something and donate something. Perhaps she could look at one of these. She might feel better about accepting second hand things if she was also passing things on.