Rude grandson

Many people have social anxiety and many are introverts - no need to be in a rush to give diagnosis of Autism. Everyone is different.

Aveline, I so agree with you:
sometimes it's necessary to learn appropriate neurotypical skills as a necessary way to get on in life.
Autism should not be used as an excuse for poor behaviour and simple social skills can be learned and used because they frequently do not come naturally.

If this boy has always been like this it sounds as though the parents aren't bothered about his lack of social skills, which they could have instilled from an early age, particularly with a close and familiar, family member. The fact that autism hasn't been mentioned sounds as though he does not have, and may not require a diagnosis; he is simply ill-mannered.

Make a point of greeting him when you arrive and say goodbye to him, and try to exchange a few words; if he pointedly ignores you then consider whether or not you wish to give him a present (personally I would continue until he is an eighteen, then stop and tell him why.)
The fact that his parents let it be known an expensive present is required sounds rather yobbish behaviour.

that's just how he is.
sounds a bit self-important to be offended by it.
he's just minding his own business, not doing anything to harm you.
not wanting to interact particularly is not rude.

The border between any syndrome and normality is long and grey. I am not suggesting this boy is autistic, but he could easily be in the normal end of the grey scale., which is where, I think my daughter is.

It will do no one any harm to quietly engineer one -on-one time with him and see if this improves the relationship.

Aveline

Too easy to jump to autism. There are all sorts of other explanations for this behaviour. Apart from anything else in my work with autistic adults they were often aware that autism isn't an excuse. Sometimes it's necessary to learn appropriate neurotypical skills as a necessary way to get on in life. I should say that it was an autistic individual that told me that!

Does that not assume that the person has a diagnosis and therefore knows that they are on the spectrum!
I agree with others that this young man may be on the spectrum. My 13yr DGS wont say hello to anyone without prompting and even then mumbles with no eye contact, he has Autism and is highly anxious, he probably wouldn't say thanks for a gift either due to the same anxiety. It is not rudeness or lack of care but only his crippling social anxiety. He is apparently the same at school.
The main issue I would hone in on is the expectation of expensive gifts! You need to have a frank discussion with your son and remind him that not everyone is wealthy!

Irrespective of diagnosis or not. It's time he learned some basic social skills. Greeting his Gran is one. How does he manage with other visitors? With people his own age? With teachers? He'll have to develop these skills if he expects to get on with others in life. His parents may just be used to him as he is.

Since you say he has been like this since he was small I would hazard a guess he is on the autistic spectrum. You say he is at a private school and private schools

are not always very good at picking up on things like this even though they are well paid for educating him.

His parents may be so busy that they haven’t really noticed his behaviour lately. I would have a chat with them because getting a diagnosis now is better than waiting until he is in his 20s or 30s. They sound well off so they could get him assessed really quickly privately.

aggie

He is a teenager

I was about to say the same. Or ADHD/ADD. Really, any degree of neurodiversity can make it difficult for someone to fully grasp social cues (particularly children and teens). We often come off as rude or distracted and the best intended interventions make little difference unless the authority figure is well-versed in working with ND children. I wasn't diagnosed with ADD until adulthood and my goodness how everything made more sense after that.

Regarding expectations, no one gets to set expectations for the gifts you give. If your adult son has these expectations, it sounds as though HE is the rude one.

The OP states that expensive gifts are expected, but expected by whom, the son, the DIL, the grandson, or all three? If the OP finds it financially difficult then surely the time has come for a serious chat with all the family. My own AC and GC would far sooner I was open and honest about such matter rather than struggle to provide expensive fancy gifts that in the case of the OP GS are clearly not appreciated.

Perhaps the GS feels neglected of his grandparents time in the past and doesn't accept the expensive gifts as a way of recompense which might explain his continuing distance.

'Private schools not very good at picking up on things like that'!! Really?? Completely disagree. There are more staff and fewer pupils in private schools so they are highly likely to notice 'things like that'.
Sorry. Couldn't let that daft generalisation go.

But yours is a bit of a generalisation too Avaline there are good and bad in both kinds of schools and some are better than others at noticing things.
My granddaughter went to a very good school but they would not pay for her to be tested for dyslexia because they said she was in the top group for all lessons and was not struggling but that was because she had to work (twice as hard as everyone else) we paid for her assessment, quite a few hundred pounds and she was 98% dyslexic.
Your grandson may just be a loner and not able to do small talk, he may have some neurodiversity, he may be very shy or not get on comfortably with adults as he’s always been like it If you said he recently got like it I would say it was hormones and teenage behaviour but it’s not is it ?

I m very uncomfortable with comparing him to his sister and cousins and maybe he’s picked up on the fact you say Of all my grandchildren he is the one I really don’t know or understand and I don’t like the person he’s becoming (but he’s always been like it) be very careful he will totally pick up on this

Yes it was a generalisation BlueBelle. But it was based on having working in autism diagnosis for 30+ years. It always appeared to me that the teachers had the time to become really familiar with each child in their class and that liaison with families was much easier.
My GDS's school staff couldn't have been quicker off the mark or more helpful.

Aveline

'Private schools not very good at picking up on things like that'!! Really?? Completely disagree. There are more staff and fewer pupils in private schools so they are highly likely to notice 'things like that'.
Sorry. Couldn't let that daft generalisation go.

OK. “Some” private schools.

Aveline

'Private schools not very good at picking up on things like that'!! Really?? Completely disagree. There are more staff and fewer pupils in private schools so they are highly likely to notice 'things like that'.
Sorry. Couldn't let that daft generalisation go.

I agree it's a generalization. But all of my private schools missed my ADD. I finally had a wonderful professor at my (public) graduate school who suspected something was off and suggested I go for an evaluation. Took me until I was 30 to get a proper diagnosis, despite attending top schools and being surrounded by a family of educators. I'm not saying that is necessarily the explanation here, but ND awareness was far lower even 15 years go.

That sounds like America? Also, a long time ago?

Teenage boys can be like this. They have a lot to adapt to. They often feel embarrassed and this makes them monosyllabic.

He is not knocking old ladies over the head and robbing them, he is not presumably taking drugs or exploiting and abusing girls. It could be worse!

He is not obliged to be communicative - these skills will come when he feels more confident in himself.

When I go and see my teenage GC I do not really expect anything of them - here is this old lady wandering into their lives and I do not think I have the right to demand anything of them. I give them a hug and a smile when I arrive if they are around; I take an interest in their lives if they venture out of their bedrooms; I give them presents for birthdays etc. and make sure they are sent with love.

I honestly feel rather sorry for teenage boys now. They are in a world where men seem to be suspect; they are living in a new body that now seems to have a mind of its own (especially some bits!); they are navigating the need to be macho whilst also caring; they are confronted with porn and other aberrations that they do not know how to deal with.

Some of mine are surfacing now - the 20 year old has become a real joy. You would not have expected that 5 years ago!

They need lots of love.

Aveline

That sounds like America? Also, a long time ago?

Yes, America. I suppose "a long time ago" is subjective. There has a been a huge shift in the past 10 years, but those who present as predominantly inattentive are still far less likely to receive timely identification and diagnosis. My husband is a special educator who manages services in one of the largest school districts in the US. I can't speak for the UK, but they've really only seen a surge in identification and diagnosis since lockdown.

I am always wary of "labelling" young people with some pathology when they do not conform to how we might like them to behave.

I agree Luckygirl which is why I said it's not necessarily autism. People can be too quick to pathologise behaviour which can be accounted for by other reasons. The most difficult people we found to deal with were those who we didn't diagnose as autistic. They were so keen to find a neat explanation for a whole variety of behaviours that they were often angry with us.

Thanks everyone. Yes, he’s always been like this - even as a toddler. He’s bright but uncommunicative. I love all my grandchildren equally but am simply worried more about this DGS as he seems more isolated than his sister and cousins. I want him to be happy.

He might very well be happy, his might just be different

Introverted people are often happy that way

Exactly what VS said

One year I just announced that I would not be doing christmas that year or any coming year. No gifts, cards, decorations etc. I did not expect anything in return. A few family members tried to guilt me by buying me various bits of tat. I just thanked them and reminded them that I no longer did presents. Now I have them all trained. Saves a lot of hassle.

Time to make a unilateral announcement that you will be imposing a £XX limit on gifts in the future, then stick to it.

Pip there are a lot of posters on this thread who, like me, think your DGS might be autistic. If he’s not, then he could be just a grumpy teenager or a moody person. BUT if there is a chance, however slight, he could be autistic, then he needs your love even more. It is really hard being the parents of an autistic child but even harder for the child themselves. Please have patience and treat him like the others with warmth and caring.
Aveline you say that you have worked with autistic adults but autistic children aren’t necessarily equipped with the same level of understanding as an adult that they need to learn ‘appropriate neurotypical skills’ to get on in life. That’s often something that comes with age and growing up.

Pip people come in all shapes and sizes some are talkers some are more silent, because he doesn’t fit into your mould of happiness doesn’t mean he is unhappy

Presumably his parents are good parents (you ve not said anything to the contrary) so wouldn’t they in nearly 16 years have spoken about their concerns or better still wouldn’t they have done something about it ?

Why now ? If he’s always been like it why have you only now started to consider he’s ‘unhappy’
You say he’s nearly 16 and been like it from a toddler have you NEVER thought about it before, never broached it with his parents before?

My biggest problem with your post is that you compare him to his sister and cousins
Talk to his parents if you are really worried