Rude grandson

Doodle this lad is 15. Time to learn some basic manners. His parents should have noticed his attitude to his Gran. Just a greeting isn't asking much.

I’m going to be controversial here ! I have four children, 2 girls, 2 boys, I’m sorry but rudeness is never acceptable especially to a much loved older family member ! Would always have made my teenage children stop what they’re doing when we had guests to come into our family living room and spend time, even if just 5 minutes to say hi etc, likewise I’d call them in to say goodbye, again even if only for 5 minutes. All of them were made to write thank you letters and when in teens we settled for a phone call or even a text, but something to acknowledge the gift. I’d also spend exactly the same on each grandchild if this was me (we only have one grandchild so far so not an issue for us!)

Autism isn’t an excuse but bad manners, my adult daughter is ASD and can manage a hello, goodbye and thank you ! If he’s not high functioning I’m pretty sure grandparents would be more than aware and wouldn’t consider this bad manners. We need to be careful not to excuse people just in case they might be Autistic.

Surely some responsibility must lie with the parents here. He should have been taught good manners from an early age. It’s a bit late now but it might be worth trying to have a conversation directly with him to see what he would like for his birthday. Perhaps treating him as a separate human being, more objectively, on a more equal level, might produce a better result. He may then begin to learn about mutual respect.

Lathyrus

How long has he been like this? Always? Or just a couple of years or so?

Regardless of that question I wouldn’t ever give expensive presents because they are expected. Just give the amount I am comfortable giving. But I wouldn’t discriminate between grandchildren either.

She literally said he has been like this since he was a toddler!

I'd put money on an autism diagnosis too. He's managing his day in the best way he knows how. It can take a huge effort to 'be nice' when you're on the spectrum. Maybe he's saving his energy to be able to live compatible with his immediate family and doesn't have any spare. Rather than feel embarrassed by saying the wrong thing, he copes by hiding away, but even that is wrong, so he can't win.😥

Not his fault.
when he has to stand on his own 2 feet he will learn
Love him just the same x

From what you say this boy has never been taught any manners, or else his parents gave up the attempt when they found it unproductive.

I assume he is the elder of their two children and they realised their mistake in time with his little sister.

Honestly, there is no way of changing a 15 year old - most of us were slightly rude at that age, and as this boy has always been like this, it is far too late to do anything about it, within the family.

Also you quite rightly say that you do not wish to alienate his parents, which will be the result, as like as not, if you mention his lack of manners to them.

They too seem lacking in empathy if they expect expensive presents or allow their children to do so, when they know or should do, that your income is less than theirs.

I suggest you mention either to your son, daughter-in-law and both children when the family is gathered together, or failing that to the two adults, or whichever you feel most comfortable saying it to "I'm sorry to say, that due to the rising cost of utilities, food etc. I shall have to stop giving the usual kind of presents, so there will only be small token gifts from me until things get easier again."

Alternatively, you could simply say that due to the present inflation and price of basic commodities you are unable to give any presents from now on, and naturally don't expect any either.

Don't mention his lack of manners at all in this connection, and don't let yourself be drawn into a discussion of present-giving. Deliver it as a statement of financial fact, then change the subject.

If the family attempt to discuss this, say that it was not meant as a discussion, you have review your present income and outgoings and this is what sadly is necessary.

To be fair you will have to say the same to your other grandchildren and their parents.

I would not give t oken gifts at all - my mother did so in her latter years, and I honestly would have preferred her not to, as we received completely useless things that had cost her money, even although very moderate amounts.

I agree with such a lot said previously, but ultimately want to add not to take his actions personally.

You say he has always been like this - this may be his character (please don't jump to autism/suchlike - my daughter is desperately shy/lacking in self confidence and where my son is very confident in adult company can often come across awkward and rude - even with family).

Teenagers and hormones - can often make attitudes seem so much more brazen/exaggerated and oftentimes this is just a phase.

Please don't treat this grandson differently to your other grandchildren. Shower him with as much love as he can take and or step back and give him the space he needs. Hopefully, eventually, as he matures, he will learn to reciprocate your affections, at least in his own way.

Please tell you family about your financial situation. Gifts are not about money they are given with love. Time is far more important - even if children/family don't understand that now! Perhaps agree a smaller sum (I know that nan's like to buy gifts - but kids really do just like a crisp note in an envelope whatever the size) and maybe a family meal together?

Overall, please don't take this as a slight on you or your family. Everyone is I'm sure doing the best they can. Kids have characters and quirks and maybe this is just his, or maybe there is an underlying problem, but I say if you can't tackle it from a place of love then leave it to the parents!

I’m just wondering what your grandchildren give YOU for your birthday.

Why not just pop up to his room and say hello and ask him about the game he’s playing.
He’s a teenager they tend to give adults a wide berth!
In any event we can’t change others only our approach to them.
Give him the present. Don’t get into meanness of spirit over this.

Sounds as if he is in his own world! Social norms not the same for everyone. Why not suggest an outing for his birthday - you and him....nothing fancy just getting to know him more and chatting? Cinema? Coffee? Walk?.....

Sounds like my step grandson I wouldn’t think anything of it I’d just buy them what you can afford if they don’t like it tough it’s the thought not the present. And I went through the similar thing with both my sons I just put it down to age and he will soon pass it. If he is a spoil brat he’s about to get a shock when he leaves school and enters working world. As they get older the gifts get less anyway

I had a very dear friend whose grandchild never said thank you for gifts or cheques. So one year she send a cheque and purposely didn’t sign it.

Perhaps he's high functioning autistic but undiagnosed, especially if his sister is polite and friendly. People with Aspergers, for example, have a difficult time relating to others socially.

I’ve got a 14 year old Grandson and I understand how you feel but I’ve made an effort with mine to get him talking and laughing when I see him, which isn’t often because he’s always on his X box but I want him to look back on our time with fond memories someday. We’ve only got the one DGS so we give him pocket money each week via his account. To begin with we didn’t get a thank you, but after a couple of months I had a quiet word with his Dad my DS who explained to him by all accounts if he didn’t say thank you either by phone or text it would be stopped. As the years have gone on I don’t expect a thank you every week but a quick text from him every 3/4 weeks is appreciated. So if I don’t hear from him I send him a quick text asking how he is, how’s school and if he got the money last weekend? That normally starts of a conversation from him which is nice. Unfortunately that’s the way teens seem to do it I’ve realised but as long as we keep a line of some sort open for communication I’m happy. When he starts driving no doubt I’ll see more of him like my own DM did with my Son. As for his rudeness (which it is ) if he doesn’t even have the manners to come say Hello when you visit if I were you I’d either get your DS to call him down when you visit or have a word in your Sons ear and then drop into the conversation to your Grandson something along the lines of ‘ your a bit rude not saying hello / goodbye, are you ok?’. Im afraid I’m more blunt than you by the sounds of it as I was brought up with manners and we brought our DS up with manners. As for presents please don’t give him less than your other Grandchildren but I would either text him or phone him before his birthday or Christmas and ask him if he’d like the cash instead or a present. Unfortunately with teenagers you do have to urge them to have a conversation with you I’ve found. Personally even if he was autistic or whatever label seems to be put on youngsters now with no manners I wouldn’t agree that is a reason for rudeness.

Saying he’s ‘a teenager’ is the get-out -of-jail free card Aggie! My 16 year old grandson is the total opposite ….well mannered …polite….and helpful . He has his teenage moments , but can be reasoned with . If my grandson behaved this way toward me …his parents would collectively ( they’re divorced )drop on him from a great height! The parents should not allow this ‘surly’ and ‘rude’ behaviour to go on. Have a word with them.

I've "forgotten" a rude family member's birthday and also because of the lack of thank yous. I got fed up and had enough.

I would say carry on as normal gift wise so long as you can afford to BUT when you give him the present and he doesn't say thank you then I would most definitely tell him that common politeness if nothing else requires him to at least offer thanks. If he doesn't comply I would say that there won't be any more gifts. As for not even saying goodbye when you leave, I would stand directly in front of him and say 'cheerio then ...' and stay there until he acknowledges you. There is absolutely no excuse for being so rude whether he is a teenager or not -imo!

He sounds a normal teenager at the "Kevin" grunt stage. Maybe his present should be a book on manners. On the positive side
Most teenagers go through this and come out the other side perfectly well. its just painful

Perhaps ND is less common than we now wish to believe, many are normal shy introverts. Many people are happy in their own niche, doing things that suit (playing games in this example).

It's easy to underestimate the strong effect of computer games on teenage minds. My sons were often present in body alone. Their minds were in another universe as they played against rivals across the globe. When I stuck my head round the door with a cheery "Tea's ready!" the best response I got was a sharp intake of breath through clenched teeth.

Neurodiverse ??

welbeck

that's just how he is.
sounds a bit self-important to be offended by it.
he's just minding his own business, not doing anything to harm you.
not wanting to interact particularly is not rude.

This is my opinion as well. As a shy introverted child, being forced to socialize properly with adults and guess at how each one wanted me to act was exhausting. Being forced to hug people if I didn’t want to felt like torture.

I always insisted my children say hello and goodbye, but after that socializing was on their terms.

How is he with other people OP? Family? Is he more friendly with them?
I have a grandson much younger who has always been a bit ( sometimes a lot) rude, but don’t think he’s like that with other people.
I find myself keeping a distance now, but always say hello and goodbye. It saddens me.

Do you see him often? He is not effusive so does not need hello's and goodbyes as if you were off to North Pole. I would leave it at that and reduce presents for ALL my grandchildren.