Being bullied by kindness (bullying)

He has even cut the council grass outside our property. I wanted the long grass and the insect habitat.

It's not really your decision to make whether the Council area of grass should be left to grow as an insect habitat.

Part of our front belongs to the Council but we have to maintain it in a neat and tidy condition.

He sounds like a kind and thoughtful man, whose enthusiasm takes over a bit, I can’t see how anyone could call him a bully.
We aren’t yet at the stage of needing help, but I imagine one of my son in laws might be like this.
But he’s kind and decent, and we love him, so if the time comes I shall just be grateful that he cares enough to help.

Oh - send him over here. I would love to have someone like that to help. You should treasure him, he’s worth his weight in gold !

'Nothing I say can stop him doing it his way'

Just wondering what you have said?
Have you been explicit or have you perhaps been a bit softer 'maybe it would be nice if...' kind of thing.

Can you find a few jobs you would like help with and ask him to do those? And then, whilst thanking him, tell him how kind he is and how grateful tell him you felt disempowered when he did the things you didn’t want.

I think if it's a loving relationship he will understand.

Everyone 'does things differently', it is just the way we are. MrP puts the washing out different to me, he folds towels different to me, he plates up a meal different to me.............the list is endless and I am positive we are the only couple with these 'differences'. If my DD's or SILS's were helping I have no doubt they'd all do our household/gardening tasks differently.

BUT, I would be grateful for their help AND I am of a strong enough character to say 'it's ok, that particular job doesn't need doing'!

FranA should be grateful for her SIL's help but she should also:-

1. List the jobs she wants him to do prior to his next visit keeping the list short and workable and encourage him to sit with her and have a cuppa and a chat (he is family after all). This should ensure he doesn't overdo things.

2. Not get in a flap because he's done something slightly differently to how she or her DH would do it.

3. Explain to SIL why she doesn't want something done at all.

4. Not criticise his methods or motives.

We can all get very set in our ways and see other people methods as wrong. Be kind!!!!

How contradictory people are. We are always getting threads from people like this gentleman or his sister saying how their aged parent cannot manage in the house, or is doing things all wrong or needs to change this and that in their lives to make them easier etc etc.

When we get these threads the person complaining is told in no uncertain terms that while they may think that the older person should do this that and the other, if the older person continues to chooses to do things differently, that is their right and we should not take away their dignity or instrumentality over their lives..

Now when it is one of these older people complaining because a younger family member is imtruding on their autonomy, everyone seems to be jumping to defend the younger person and telling the older person to knuckle under and be grateful.

Count your blessings .
I wish that I had someone to help me .
I'm waiting for a friend to help me lift some furniture .

My back and knee are both aching from lifting some boxes yesterday .

Okay , I understand about wanting wild flowers to grow on the grass verge - just tell him politely .
A mowing will stimulate growth so don't worry -particularly as we are about to have a deluge after a hot spell .

Thank you all for your comments. This is not the first time he has done things his way. I have told him he is not to touch my garden trees for good reason but he still says oh “that one could come down a bit “. I worry I will come home one day and they will be gone. Yes I am grateful for his help but it is a bit overpowering.

Hetty58

'Helping out' is offering to help, asking exactly what to do - and checking, often, that you're doing it right.

Bullying involves a power imbalance, the stronger one ignoring or excluding the weaker victim, ruling the roost, imposing their ways - so creating a feeling of helplessness and vulnerability.

absolutely bang on correct. Time for the Op to pull up her big girl pants and put her foot down.

I wouldn’t exactly call it (kindness) bullying - poor chap is just misguided in his judgements. He needs to be set straight.

Unless he’s a mean SOB and doing things his way then he is is not doing you any favors. But as a SIL you should be able to talk to him - even if it means telling him he can longer come to help, because he’s not following your directions! See how that works.

There’s always your daughter, who’s married to him, as a direct channel. I would think she’d be on your side.

Right now you just have to treat it as… it’s just grass. It will grow back.
USA Gundy

It is very kind of him to do it. Why don't you show him the bit you want left long and say "I would like this left long as I'm keeping it for insects/bees please. Thank you for doing the rest."
I've seen lots of gardens with small areas left for wilding.

I do sympathise, FranA. Loving my garden, I would be so upset if someone just went ahead and did what they thought was needed, rather than consult you on exactly how you wished it to be done. It is to be considered a kindness that your son-in-law is more than willing to help you and your DH, but you really should be more assertive in telling him what jobs you’d like him to focus on. I would call his behaviour ‘controlling’ rather than ‘bullying’. How is his health not great? Sit down quietly with him and express your concerns and explain exactly what you’d like him to do. 😊

It’s definitely not bullying it’s called being helpful or thinking that they helping you out. It’s called being kind you know ppl used to do it before covid lol if he didn’t help you would say he’s useless poor guy can’t win maybe it wasn’t his idea your dil could have asked him to do it for you.

Have you thought he might be right about some of the things he has suggested doing? The trees may well need pruning and will benefit by it. Discuss with him how much cutting back you’ll agree to.

The bungalow next door to me has just been sold. The new owners will have a lot of work to do sorting out the garden because the previous elderly owners refused help even though they were unable to keep on top of the shrubs, trees and grass.

FranA can you discuss this with your daughter?

It's not fair that you should be worried about what your son in law might do to your garden next, and also worried about his health as well as your husband's.

What would you be doing if he hadn't volunteered? Do that.
Probably paying a gardener. Organise that and tell him it's their responsibility and to leave everything alone (as suggested earlier).

I'm pretty sure a lot of those telling you to be grateful wouldn't be so happy if it was their garden being changed with no consultation.

Send him my way. My garden could do with some help!

Actually I've had some amazing help recently. A friend of my son's came to stay as he had business locally and when he saw the state of my garden he offered to stay an extra night and do some work on it. He made the back manageable by me, a miracle which only cost me a lunch and a lift to the station! Then a few weeks later he needed to come to the area again and offered to stay an extra night again and do some more work. This time he removed all the ivy from the front of the house and cleared two self seeded trees making the front manageable too! Thankfully we worked together on it, though he did the really hard work, and he did nothing without permission. I shall be eternally grateful as I'd been considering getting someone in to do it but was worried about the cost. He's probably saved me at least £1000!

He says my DS and family treat him as family so he treats me as family too. But that should still involve showing respect, so your son-in-law should be taking direction from you, and showing you respect in that way.

My ex son in law is a diamond. If it wasn’t for him I would get far less done around my house and I wouldn’t see my grandkids… he allows me a key to his house so when I’m over that side of town I can ‘use’ any facilities at house….I return his kindness by doing a bit of washing up if the kitchen is vaguely messy. I also water his veg patch sometimes when it’s very hot! If it was left to my daughter I’d never see my grandkids …they both live within a mile of each other and two miles from me! I love the man….I’m even if my daughter doesn't. Long May you have your lovely sounding son in law.

Elder abuse ffs, I don't think so, just a kind misguided man who is trying to help and getting it wrong along the way.
Why are people always trying to look to be offended, there are so many posters here who would love the help.
My partner helps me, sometimes, if he suggests something I do not like. I have a tongue in my head and say why I don't want it.

I rather think calling it elder abuse is over the top, but I can imagine it must be frustrating. But rather that than no help at all.
Are you and your husband still able to mange the garden? If not then could you employ a gardener and redirect your sil's help to where it is needed?

Yes he sounds overpowering and it sounds annoying. I’d still have to stand my ground but I’d be so sweet about it.

Send him to me PLEASE, he can do anything he likes to help in my house

Hetty58 …..Elder Abuse ! Really ! I don’t think so ! He is just trying to help .

A house near me has let the garden go wild, it looks f*****g awful.

Win - I bet you wouldn't like it. A few years ago I was in a lot of pain with a back injury. I didn't prune back the (usually carefully manicured) shrubs that year.

Next time my eldest was staying here, he thought he'd 'help' - while I was out. He trimmed everything hard back - in a straight line - with a hedge trimmer. He walked on all the plants in front.

I could have cried and it took about three years to get them looking good again.

Oreo

A house near me has let the garden go wild, it looks f*****g awful.

I've given up up my little rewilding project.
It looked like a neglected mess because it takes the right conditions and a lot of hard work for it to be successful and look attractive.
Better to plant flowes, shrubs which bees and other insects love and keep the grass cut.