Gransnet forums


Asking for money back

(40 Posts)
NannyB2604 Tue 12-Sep-23 13:50:19

I've sent a message today to my brother asking if he's able to repay money I lent him (£5k) just before lockdown, as he needed it for his business and the bank wouldn't extend his overdraft. He and SiL were planning to move house (downsize) and he said he'd repay the money then. After lockdown ended, they did downsize and have since completely renovated the new house - state of the art kitchen, tiled floors, solid oak doors, beautiful bathroom and remodelled patio. He's not mentioned repaying my loan, so I've messaged him (after many sleepless nights worrying about it), as tactfully as possible, to ask if he's able to repay me (in instalments if that helps). I'm now wondering if I'm being unreasonable and 'moneygrabbing'. We're hoping to move house soon ourselves and the money would help.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 12-Sep-23 13:59:33

Good grief, No you are not being unreasonable or money grabbing . He should have repaid the money long ago. You seem to have put the request very nicely. Keep on reminding him and tell him you really need it back.

sodapop Tue 12-Sep-23 14:21:29

I totally agree with GSM your brother should have repaid the loan before embarking on expensive renovation work. You are being more than reasonable NannyB2604 don't let this go it's your hard earned money.

Curlywhirly Tue 12-Sep-23 14:21:34

You are most definitely not being unreasonable! Your brother is well out of order and should be ashamed of himself. I think you have been very accommodating waiting this long.

Smileless2012 Tue 12-Sep-23 15:15:55

Your brother's the one who is being unreasonable Nanny, he should have made arrangements to repay the loan before embarking on expensive renovations.

In the circumstances, it's good of you to ask for the money to be repaid in instalments.

crazyH Tue 12-Sep-23 15:18:02

Always remember - only lend money, which you can afford to lose.

pascal30 Tue 12-Sep-23 15:57:46

Where is his sense of decency? He should have paid you back before doing any renovations..

Shelflife Tue 12-Sep-23 18:19:58

Of course you want your money back. I understand you don't want to rock the family boat but your brother knows that and is using it to his advantage. He is playing on your good nature! Do you have someone willing to speak on your behalf to your brother, husband or adult child?You are not being unreasonable you want your money back , time to let him know you mean business. Good luck 🍀

eazybee Tue 12-Sep-23 20:08:05

Whatever makes you think you are money-grabbing?
It is your money and you shouldn't have to ask.

Theexwife Tue 12-Sep-23 20:34:50

It's so awkward having to ask for the return of a loan, it makes me angry and resentful and plays on my mind. You always end up feeling that it is you in the wrong.

I hope your brother had just forgotten and that he wasn't trying to avoid it.

Grantanow Wed 13-Sep-23 11:47:08

Of course you should ask for it.

Saggi Wed 13-Sep-23 11:52:31

Goodness me! When my daughter split from her husband ( they owned two houses) and she moved into the smaller house …she wanted to move during 6 week school holiday for obvious reasons ( they’re both teachers) so she asked for a loan if £3000 to re-decorate and furnish the second home ….
I said yes but insisted as soon as she got the cash settlement from her husband ( he kept the larger house) then I would need it back. She got her settlement four months later at 9 am and transferred my money to me at 9.10. Your brother is ‘pushing his luck ‘ and I think maybe this loan will never be repaid … unless you had it in writing!?

nadateturbe Wed 13-Sep-23 11:55:15

YANBU at all. Tell him you want it now. Instalments are no good if you are moving house. He's taking advantage!

eazybee Wed 13-Sep-23 11:57:36

What will you do if your brother says he hasn't got it?

rowyn Wed 13-Sep-23 12:05:27

With some experience, I suspect that when you do contact him, he will come up with some reason why he can't quite manage to pay you back immediately. but assure you that he will do it soon.
Make sure you have copies of your bank statement with the money going out to him.
I suggest you email your request so that he will reply in the same way and so you can keep a copy of whatever he has said.
And NO you are not being unreasonable!!! HE IS!!!!

Doodledog Wed 13-Sep-23 12:47:57


Always remember - only lend money, which you can afford to lose.

That may be wise, as sometimes you won't get it back, but that doesn't alter the fact that someone borrowing money does so on the understanding that it will be paid back.

IMO, buying luxury items and having house renovations should wait until after the money is repaid. Borrowing and not paying back is tantamount to theft. I don't think the OP needs to feel at all uncomfortable about asking for it back.

Babamaman Wed 13-Sep-23 12:51:22

You are definitely not being unreasonable!
He is !
He is behaving disgracefully - it is a shame he has defaulted on his promise.
I doubt it that you had a contract or any document proving the loan!
So legally I don’t know where you stand? You may have to get legal advice.
Tell him, you need it back urgently. He doesn’t need to know any details.
Just pay it back

Dee1012 Wed 13-Sep-23 13:47:49

My brother is in receipt of state benefits due to severe and long standing health issues.

He will often ask if he can borrow small amounts of money - every penny is paid back immediately he receives his payments!

11unicorn Wed 13-Sep-23 13:55:39

If they put in high end kitchens and patio etc then surely he has the money to repay you.
It's very kind for you to offer that he can repay in installments.
I hope that in all the crazy renovations and moving, it simply slipped his mind but I know from my own experience that some ask for a loan but see it as gift. And then they do not take it very nicely when reminded it was a loan.
I hope very much your brother reacts the "right" way and you have certainly the right to ask for loan to be repaid.

Primrose53 Wed 13-Sep-23 14:09:04


Always remember - only lend money, which you can afford to lose.

This is very true.

You cannot make somebody pay back money you lend them. They can just say they can’t afford it or they can say they understood it was a gift.

You would need very good proof that you did lend it anyway. A bank statement showing it going from your account to his is not good enough. You could have been gifting it.

dogsmother Wed 13-Sep-23 14:10:03

Send a message each day (or week ) until he responds. This is very unfair of him not to have addressed it sooner.

Coolgran65 Wed 13-Sep-23 14:13:34

Absolutely you should have been repaid.
Have you had a reply to your message.

Two of our sons have had a loan from us of £5000 and are repaying at £200 per month. Never missing a payment. One patches by DD the other just transfers each payment. On one occasion the payment didn't arrive. So unlike him. I gave it a week and then sent a message saying...... "Have I
missed something, I don't see this month's payment?" With a Smiley. He was mortified and it was delivered into my account immediately. He had forgotten and asked me to immediately remind him if it ever happened again.

Every so often I tell them what the balance is.

I do hope your brother apologises and repays promptly.

Coolgran65 Wed 13-Sep-23 14:18:16

How did you message him. Can you see that he had read the message. Was it by WhatsApp or Messenger. I prefer this to e-mail as I can see if it's been seen.
No response in a day or so means he's avoiding you and I'd ring him keeping it amiable saying you're now needing it for X, Y or Z.

Nannashirlz Wed 13-Sep-23 14:23:02

My dad used to lend his sister money on a regular basis and he would never ask her for it. And she would never offer unless someone asked on his behalf. We were bought up if you can’t afford to repay don’t lend. No contact no proof he could say it was a gift. So you did right asking him and 24hrs later he’s not giving I would keep asking him. Until it appears in my hand

Fleur20 Wed 13-Sep-23 15:16:43

We borrowed money from my parents many years ago... and we wrote out an agreement which all 4 of us signed and set up direct debit to pay it all back. Then signed document was then updated by all of us.
Family is family but business is business and nothing causes more dispute than money.
Send him an email reminding him the amount is still outstanding and asking him to explain when it will be repaid, in full.