AIBU with elderly parent

Curiousdan, Can I just say what a very kind person you are. He sounds as if he’s given up yet he cooks and has his meals, does his own washing and if he thinks that’s all he wants to do, well he is 86 it’s his decision. If you don’t mind walking the dog and grooming him, I would continue to do that or the dog must go. Perhaps if you just left the house to crumble if he’s happier like that and stop worrying, , you say he and your mom didn’t matter with other things anyway, so it’s what he wants. I know several old people like your dad but their family gave up on them, you never will, just be there when he needs you, he’s got all his marbles. It’s so nice to hear how much you care but look after yourself and stop beating yourself up, you’ve done a good job.

I agree with Allsorts.

Curiousdan what you are saying is that your father is not leading a life that you find acceptable. or enjoyable, but you must remember that he iis not you and the life he has now is perfectly acceptable to him and is not a lot different to the life helived when his wife was alive.

I think there is also an element of you feeling that you will be judged and found wanting if you let your father descend into the state, he would descend into if you allowed him to. I really understand that feeling, but you must let go and let him live the life he wants. he doesn't want to join things, meet people.

He is the kind of man, who if in a care home, would spend the whole time in his room, emerging only for meals, and not joining in any activities or socialising. You have to accept him as he is and leave him to it.

Thanks for all your replies.

Last year my father and I had an argument. He blocked my phone number and kept his house locked (I don't hav a key). I went on holiday at that time and while I was away he realised what he could and couldn't do on his own. So by the time I came back he'd decided to speak to me again.
Out of me and my brother I'm probably the 'lesser of two evils'. I get the feeling that he tolerates us. That sounds awful and may not be the case. I thought we were getting closer but the arguement showed me that he hadn't changed from when I was younger.
I'm the only one who can get away with touching anything in his house - my brother feels most akward there but still calls in every day with a newspaper and does small maintainance jobs (we're not allowed to get the big stuff done).
Think I have to resign myself that this is how my father is.

Please don't worry about the dog, I love him and will always look after him. He may have an allergy and I'm taking him to the vet on Monday.

Curiousdan

Thanks all. I've mentioned getting a cleaner but he goes mad! He doesn't want to pay (he gets an allowance, which would cover it) and he doesn't want a stranger in the house. In a certain way I think it might hurt his dignity. Same as above for getting a gardener

Tell him clearly that you're getting older too and you can't keep doing it all - so if he won't pay, a lot of stuff won't get done because it's getting too much for you.
Tell him exactly what you are prepared to do and stick to it.

When he locked you out, was he walking the dog then?

Farnorth, no, he's never walked the dog ever.
There's a huge garden so the dog has space to run when we're away and can't take him out. He's only a small dog and doesn't really like long walks and he's ten years old even though I still call him the puppy

Curiousdan what you are saying is that your father is not leading a life that you find acceptable. or enjoyable, but you must remember that he iis not you and the life he has now is perfectly acceptable to him and is not a lot different to the life helived when his wife was alive.

I think this, too.

Please don't rehome the dog as some posters suggest; he's probably happy just running round the garden and losing him could make your father even more depressed. As long as you can make sure he's ok.

At 86, having lost his wife, and perhaps a lot of his peer group, your father might just be feeling quite down in the dumps and not have the wherewithal to suddenly start leading an active social life!

We've been to so many funerals over the last year or two, a lot of DH's pals and it can get quite depressing. ☹ He doesn't have his life partner to chat to about how he might feel.

You are applying too much carrot not enough stick.

Threaten him with taking his dog away from him. In other matters permit him to be as slovenly as he desires. if he is actually wasting away as a result get him sectioned.

Oh, for goodness sake, poor old man!!

He's 86 for flip's sake.
He's stubborn, yes, but threatening to take his dog away??
As long as the OP can just ensure the dog remains well leave him be.

How cruel.

try as we might we couldn't get him to go out anywhere apart from the supermarket occasionally and he doesn't even go there now. He does his own washing and cooking but seems to have stopped taking responsibility for everything else.

He says he's unable to do things yet he goes to the local shop on his scooter.

So he is going out, he still washes and cooks but the place is a mess.

Callistemon, one thing any depressed person needs is to be in touch with reality so they can save their own life.

I am assuming that the OP has given us a balanced picture of what is happening with her relative. If so, then the old man is at risk of dangerous self neglect and needs to know how to survive, if possible.

Yes you're right it's his life not mine. I've been tryign to get some perspective on this really, to stop myself getting irritated. I've spoken to Age UK and they said basically the same thing. There's lots of help and stuff out there for older people but if he won't accept any of it then so bit it!
I rather love that there is so much concern for the dog. I'm an animal lover too and I love the dog. Fritzy is his name and he's a shi tzu and no trouble at all. I'll keep on keeping an eye on my father but I will quit worrying or expecting him to suddenly change.

Curiousdan

Yes you're right it's his life not mine. I've been tryign to get some perspective on this really, to stop myself getting irritated. I've spoken to Age UK and they said basically the same thing. There's lots of help and stuff out there for older people but if he won't accept any of it then so bit it!
I rather love that there is so much concern for the dog. I'm an animal lover too and I love the dog. Fritzy is his name and he's a shi tzu and no trouble at all. I'll keep on keeping an eye on my father but I will quit worrying or expecting him to suddenly change.

lots of typs - no edit button!

You must accept that this is how he has chosen to live his life. The lyrics in a Culture Club song come to mind:

Somebody else's life cannot be mine ...

Lockdown may have been an added factor in this. Many people realised that they could get by perfectly well within the limitations that were imposed and have never really returned to how they lived before, if indeed your father was living differently before that. Somehow, lockdown gave “permission” to be solitary and to be happy with that state. He has his dog for company and you are taking care of the animal’s needs.

There was a very recent thread here when someone was irritated with a neighbour who kept cajoling her to become involved in community activities which she didn’t want to do, implying that she must be lonely when she wasn’t. It wasn't exactly the same thing. She had a social life but it was the notion of being watched and judged which was annoying and intrusive.

The way you describe your father is exactly how my stepfather was, exactly how a close friend’s father was, exactly how a neighbour was. Nothing wrong with them psychologically, just strong-minded, rather tacit men who were happy in their own company; watching an old war film, televised cricket, the news or whatever interested them. They all lived into their nineties despite living in a bit of a mess, dining off ready-meals and taking next-to-no exercise.

If the house is a mess then don’t let it turn into a health hazard but a ring around the bath, dishes left in the sink for a few days or a bit of peeling paintwork does no harm. TV is also responsible for that, of course, making us thing we have to live in a sanitised showhome. We don’t. Keep an eye on him but step back.

Poor man - he's 86 but still a free agent. Maybe if you stepped back a bit he would sort himself out. Good as you are, you might be perceived by him as nagging. And I'm sure some kind person would take the dog to the vet for him if you were not there; he could be agorphobic, have you thought of that? I would concentrate on your own household and ease up.

Germanshepherdsmum

If he has a dog he has a responsibility to care for it. Frankly by the sound of it he shouldn’t own any animal. He needs, at minimum, a cleaner and a dog walker. If people want to sit in squalor in front of the tv that’s their prerogative, but NOT when they force an animal to live like that. I hope you can do something for the dog who, unlike your father, has no choice in this,

I agree with this. If he can't be bothered to look after his dog he shouldn't own one.

I have a friend in a similar situation. I think the important thing is to create boundaries that protect you and not to expect him to like it when you do. He is an adult and can choose not to clean or employ a cleaner but that does not mean you have to do it. Be clear with him what the options are and that you cleaning is not one of them. His options are 1. to clean to a minimum standard (not necessarily yours!), 2. employ a cleaner or 3. eventually get into such a state that he will not be able to stay in his home. It will be tough to do this though, I hope you have support around you.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Sitting in a chair, falling asleep and doing nothing is not helping his health at all and he will suffer for that by losing all independence.
As VioletSky says, you are enabling him. You are the only person who can stop that.
It is not fair on you or him if you are getting tetchy although it is perfectly understandable. Get a Carer's Assessment done through your Adult Social Services Dept. They will primarily look at your needs but will also look at his. You do not have to have his permission to do this and you might find an outsider will make more headway than you.

He sounds exactly like my mother was after she lost my dad. I despaired of her doing anything, except lying on the sofa, smoking and watching TV. I did find out that the medication she was on was causing a very low mood. Might be worth exploring that? A visit from a competent doctor would be a good idea.

I am 82 and live alone. If your dad needs help remember you are his daughter not his carer You may need to be very firm and insistent about the cleaner and gardener. You shouldn't be his dogsbody and do the chores all the time. By all means take the dog if he no longer cares about it. It at least deserves your care. If he is capable don't enable him to sit around and sleep.

I would take the dog to your house for a few days under the pretence it is being kept in at the vet and then have no contact with your dad during that time.
See how he copes then.
He'll never change the way things are.

"If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got".

I hate to say it but some men are just that way in my experience. The dog sounds fine with you keeping an eye on it and is probably the only thing your dad opens up to so I’d say leave the dog with him, it’s his dog, it’s walked and cared for and quite frankly it’s your dads only real company and his companion when you’re not there. He sounds a bit depressed, which is quite natural as he’s lost your mum. Look at it from his point of view, he’d probably had his ‘mate’ for decades before she passed away and although at the beginning of his grief would of felt lost and alone it’s something he’s had to just learn to live with and his way of life has probably become a habit to him now, again in my experience from dealing with 5 parents (inc a step parent) the older they get the more habitual they will become! My father in law sounded like your dad, wouldn’t let anyone do anything in or outside the property, had his habits etc and stuck to them rigidly and just sat in front of the TV all day sleeping for much of it but we now realised he had dementia at the end because he kept my mother in law awake at night talking and walking about until he got nasty and we had to have him sectioned. But we never put 2 and 2 together until his death. My DH has now got vascular dementia and that is how he started off, dropping off to sleep mainly at night then hallucinating dreams he started acting out. Maybe this is happening to your dad? But he wouldn’t know it’s happening, my husband denied it for a couple of years until he saw the state I was getting into with no sleep and illness he was causing. During the day for the first couple of years you wouldn’t of really known there was anything wrong with him apart from DH kept falling asleep in the chair half the day.
Your dad is 86, still independent and as much as it might annoy you the way he lives I’d just say keep an eye on the situation and his dog obviously but let him get on with his life if that’s the way he’s chosen to live now. He won’t change if it’s his choice as much as you want him too, so don’t stress yourself or him up by trying to force him it’s honestly not worth it, you don’t know what goes through his mind if he’s happy to live in his own little way and let’s face it none of us know how much we will want to just sit on our backsides in later life, it’s his choice to do as he pleases. One last thing, are his iron and Vit D levels up as that can cause not only tiredness but depression especially in the elderly.

Caleo

You are applying too much carrot not enough stick.

Threaten him with taking his dog away from him. In other matters permit him to be as slovenly as he desires. if he is actually wasting away as a result get him sectioned.

What a callous thing to say.

It often goes unrecognised, but apathy is often among the early signs of certain types of dementia, especially Fronto-temporal dementia. Vascular dementia can also sometimes first make itself apparent by apathy. The person's lack of action will not trouble them in any way, and they may well give plausible reasons for not doing things. Worth considering in your father's case.

Curiousdan you have actually become your fathers unpaid carer. There are hundreds of people doing what you do voluntarily every day, some get carers allowance some don’t. However most of them do it because their loved one is ill, frail or immobilised. We all have a choice although is is extremely hard when it concerns a loved one.
If you are working on top of running two homes you will grind yourself in to the ground, if you are not but married your marriage will definitely suffer.
Write down what makes you crabby and why, you can’t change your dad, it sounds like he has always been like this. Losing your mother has made him lose interest in life after so many years of doing very little together. When we get to the late 80s/90s our bodies start to slowly close down, particularly if we are not active nor engaged with anything stimulating. This is was is happening to your dad and HE is not worried about that you are.
I would have a calm conversation with him, saying that you are exhausted and can no longer clean,shop, nor walk the dog for him, what would he like to do about it. Then stick to it and see what happens. Naturally you will still visit once or twice a week offer to take him out, offer him food and chats, but if that is declined leave it, there will soon come a time when he has to have some help. Have you got both POAs you are going to need them. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, I really emphasise with how difficult this is for you.