AIBU with elderly parent

My dad is 88 and is exactly the same.
I've had the same worries etc as yourself. In fact I could have written your description of him except for the dog.
But my brother and I have come to realise he is happy living as he does.
He isn't depressed or anything.
Try not to worry and take comfort in the fact you are doing your best for him.

Your mother died 10 years ago but clearly he's got into the almost cosy routine of can't-be-arsed because you can! He's playing at pic'n'mix, choosing to leave all the grind to you whilst he potters about on his scooter in the knowledge that the Dutiful Daughter will have taken responsibility for the chores he simply doesn't fancy and sorted out any problems.
He's comfortably selfish - and unless you confront him with putting your foot down he'll allow you to become frazzled and burnt out. Enough is enough.

Curiousdan

I want to be kind but the truth is I've been getting crabby lately - hence me calling out on this forum for advice.

Things my father won't do: see a GP, join a group or class, have a cleaner, go anywhere with any one for any thing, get the house sorted (crumbling plaster and broken furniture)... maybe he is happy living this way. It's me that has the problem! But I am trying to adjust my thinking.

The dog is the only thing that keeps my father going (even though he doesn't walk him etc). Think the most frustrating part is we've all been there for him since my mother died but he's waved us all away (and sometimes it has felt like a snub).

But you can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Take care of the dog, check in on your dad and so long as dad is eating well and seems OK living the life he's living then leave him be.

FWIW, AgeUK have a social thing where hosts invite a group of older people to their house for meet ups and coffee. I was a host for a while and quite enjoyed it. Guests are picked up/dropped up by volunteer drivers.

I think your Dad sounds very depressed. I would seriously consider insisting he sees a GP, with you and try to move forward in this way.

Don’t feel guilty, but please remember we are all different, some 86 year olds are functioning well physically and mentally and some just aren’t. When was the last time your Dad had a full “MOT” at the GP?

Don’t knock yourself out and cut down in his housework a bit and try and spend a little time just being with him.

He’s probably lonely and stubborn.

Good luck

Why do people always imagine that those who CBA about housework and sit watching TV are depressed?

I had an aunt like this when I was a youngster. She was plump and jolly and CBA with housework. She certainly wasnt depressed. The house was not dirty but it was untidy with piles of washing everywhere and stuff waiting to be put away. You had to clear a space to sit down. I much preferred it to my parents house because she accepted me as I was. I could read a book or watch TV with her. None of this "go and help your mother in the kitchen."