Adult DC potentially making me choose between them and partner

NotSpaghetti

I don't consider it cheating- but adult children probably would. That's what I meant.

Well, it isn't cheating, Maureen has been widowed for over three years.

Perhaps you should have mentioned your friend to them before, Maureen but is understandable that you didn't.

However, heir relationship with their father was different to your relationship with him so perhaps it's best not to criticise or even explain how difficult he was to your children.

They should not issue ultimatums. You are your own person and can make your own decisions, although it does sound as if they have all taken you very much for granted over the years.

Good luck.

Fleur20

This is not a rotten situation!
You are acting like a grown up, over three years a widow, after an up and down marriage. You are perfectly entitled to have a life, a sex life and a deep, lasting and loving relationship.
Your kids are behaving like brats.
Did any of them run their future partners past you for approval?
Did they really thjnk you were going to grive forever and live like a nun forever?
You dont answer to your kids. Have they, in three and a half years, ever asked if you are ready to move forward, thought about another relationship?
I doubt it... they all now see you as a convenient extension to their lives, not a person in your own right! Handy for childcare at the drop of a hat and the odd financial handout!

You are being a lot more reasonable about this than I would be. They would have been given their marching orders for being so bloody disrespectful in the first place.
Of course they are going to be upset, but they are going to have to dig deep, APOLOGISE and accept that underneath being their Mum you are very much alive and intend to live your life. With or without their approval.
Call a family meeting, get them all round a table and lay out your terms.
Dont back down.
They either respect your right to your own life, accept your choices or make alternative childcare arrangements ( and arrange bank loans ?).
You should be number one in your own life now.
I wish you every happiness in your relationship, he sounds a keeper!!

very sound post.. I completely agree..don't allow yourself to be bullied or guilt tripped.. life can be very lonely without a loving partner

Your adult children are selfish and entitled. Your son nearly crying is pathetic,your dil is right he is a Dick.
You carry on seeing this lovely man, your children are only looking after themselves, they are worried they may lose money and childcare.
I have a partner, my children accepted him, and know I have a life, they also did not rely on me for childcare either.
How dare they try and control your life, you are a adult and you deserve happiness after all the years you put up with their Father. I am afraid the apple never fell far from the tree as they are just like their Father.
They need to realise how lucky they are to have you, and as for still dropping of their children and barely talking to you, this is just ill mannered and disrespectful, trust me you deserve better.

As well as doing childcare, I help all the DC financially in various ways, including paying nursery fees for 2 DGC on days I work, DD1 gets money every month as something of an early inheritance and they’ve all had deposits/weddings etc paid for. Which I really don’t mind doing, especially as they always make the effort to see me.

They're probably worried that the cash might dry up too, and that they might lose their inheritance!

Really, Maureen, you have been very accommodating, always there, always ready to help and with money if needed, which is kind.
But they need to grow up.

Mind you - no-one wants to think of their parents having sex, even with each other! How they think they came into the world is a mystery.

It is your life for the next fifty years., go and enjoy.
DC could be thinking of how their inheritance is going to be spent before they can own it because DM is shopping for herself and going on holidays.

Of course you are not cheating and your AC should' nt see it as cheating either!!
The picture your AC have if their father is not a true assessment of him - you did what I would have done, that is to protect them from who he was !! They may find this relationship difficult but that is their problem - are they really grown ups !!!? Hope this situation resolves itself, this is your new life and you deserve to be happy!! Stick to your guns , and I sincerely hope your AC comes to accy that you are entitled to your own private life. Good luck.

Accept !

It is NOT cheating.
What an unkind thing to say.
You have been a widow for three and a half years and you do not have to inform your independent adult children of your private life.
I hope you continue to have a happy relationship with this man, and you are absolutely right in telling them you are not ending the relationship because they disapprove. How dare they.
As you say, they are quite happy to accept your (free) child minding services despite thinking they can order you to do what they say.
They all sound incredibly childish; your daughter in law sounds lovely.
Oh, and change the locks.

What a difficult situation I can understand why you didn’t tell them but I think it would have been less traumatic and less of a shock if you had admitted you were going to start dating again now that you d been on your own for a good while and finding it lonely You needn’t have mentioned the new man just a general statement
I can understand what a shock is was for your daughter to bring her child for child care and find her mum and an unknown man in their nightclothes, of course you deserve a life whether your husband was a saint or a sinner However as they ve never, as adults, heard you say a bad word against their Dad, of course they would be shocked and think you are making it up

All you can now do is lay low carry on with the man and looking after the grandkids making sure that nothing ever connects or overlaps in the future and hope that time heals

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Your adult children reacted very badly to the situation Maureen and selfishly. It was a shock for them though to find out in the way they did.
I agree with others, let things settle for a while then get them together for an honest discussion. I don't think you need to go into all the finer details of your marriage to their father but suffice it to say things were not always what they seemed. Leave them in no doubt that your life is your own now to do as you please and you don't need their permission for anything. The fact you have a new partner does not mean you love your family any less but they should stop taking you for granted. Good luck.

Loads of good advice and support here for you, EHM, and why not? You've done absolutely nothing wrong and I'm with Fleur in this, you need to have that meeting, sit down and tell them exactly how you all go from here. No need to feel bad about anything but there's stuff which needs to be resolved and which includes their arrangements for childcare which they clearly think can just continue after such a fracas and such a lot of spiteful and entitled behaviour towards you !

New rules are needed and some apologies to you need to be forthcoming. If they feel they can walk. into your home at any time and for any reason but will never risk any surprises, then they are very naive. Your life, plans, friendships, relationships, do perhaps need to be shared when you choose; but you don't need their permission or agreement to your own decisions.

It looks as if you gave your marriage your all and did everything you could to make things works for the sake of your children. Those children are now repaying you as adults by regressing into spoilt kids. It must stop. You mustn't even think about giving up on a relationship which clearly makes you both very happy. That would be madness. So, no apologies - and of course you would have told them at a time you chose....the fact that they walked into your home and found out themselves is not your problem. They should be able to deal with the prospect of their Mum moving on and being happy and content. If not, they don't think much - and they don't think much of you.

No more reasons, excuses or trying to justify your unhappiness with their Dad. They'll always remember him in a certain way, no need to spoil those memories now. Just hold on tight to the new man in your heart and be determined to put yourself first, be strong and look forward to a wonderfully happy life.

You are entitled to be happy and to be with your partner, obviously your AC have had a shock but to make out your cheating and to try and guilt you into walking away from happiness so your lonely and then very grateful to look after your grandchildren is horrendous. It is manipulation and bullying and like another poster said they are frightened you won’t be so generous with giving your money away to them. It’s all about them, they want your life to just revolve around them to carry on being convenient to them with no thought of your happiness at all.

A fake double life? What utter nonsense! Do parents of AC have to inform them of everything they do or get permission from them before they embark on anything new? I’m planning something in my life which I shall not be informing my children about until it’s a fait accompli. I don’t need their permission for anything, as they don’t need mine for they way they conduct their lives.

I hope this situation can be sorted out, Maureen. It sounds as though your children have more to lose than you do so the sooner they row back in their controlling and bullying behaviour, the better. Your DIL sounds an ally, maybe talking it over some more with her would help find a way forward.

It sounds like you have tried too hard to help out your adult children and are starting to see how entitled and selfish it has made them. They are not toddlers and will have to accept you are a person not just mum/ grandmother

You aren't cheating as your husband died, so you are no longer married.
You have been a fantastic mother and now a fantastic grandmother to your family.
I know they love you but they need to appreciate you for who you are as a person and not just see you as the facilitator of their lives.
There's a big difference and they need to respect that

You have not cheated on anyone. I don't blame your daughter for being shocked at her surprise discovery of your partner, but her response was over the top and quite unreasonable.
Your children need to be put straight that you will be living your life as you feel fit, you are not answerable to them. Would they accept you dictating who they may or may not see, and dictating whether or not they are to be allowed a sex life? Of course they wouldn't. They should apologise for their reactions to you. As for your son, I'd be telling him straight that you'll be very sad if he chooses not to have anything more to do with you, but your private life is not up for discussion.
They are so incredibly selfish to say they want you to remain alone and celibate for the rest of your life. They remind me of children who while living at home don't want their parent to have a new partner, but have no trouble moving out and leaving them alone when it suits them.

First things first: you have not "cheated" in the modern sense of committing adultery. Marriage lasts "until death do us part".

After that it is up to the widow or widower to decide whether they want a new marriage or relationship, or not.

In hindsight, it would have been wiser to have mentioned to your adult children that you had met a man and entered a relationship with him.

They would probably have been shocked but that is their look-out and them being unreasonable.

It would definately have been wiser to have told them calmly some time after your husband's death, perhaps whilst you were all living in the same household during lockdown, that the father they loved had had his faults,(as have we all) and that you often had wanted to divorce him, That you did your best to hide this aspect of your and his relationship from your children, but you felt the time had come to set the record straight.

You didn't do so, and now they are choosing to believe that your new partner has put ideas into your head regarding your marriage to their father.

You have now two choices either you tell them (your adult children who are behaving like teenage brats) firmly that marriages last until the one spouse dies. After that the survivor is free to do precisely what he or she wants.

That children, whether adults or minors, have no right to dictate to a parent concerning what he or she does, as long as no-one is breaking any laws.

If they don't want to meet your new partner, you will not be best pleased, but will agree to visit your children in their homes without him, but that they will not be welcome in your home unless, or until, they can treat your partner with common politeness,

Your other choice would be to tell your new partner that he means less to you than your childlren and grandchildren, so you are dropping him.

In your place, I would make the first choice, assuming that if your children have any affection for you at all, they will come to be glad that you are happy and regret their ridiculous reactions to the fact that you have met a man you like.

If they don't come round to seeing that, then they obviously have always cared more for their father than for you, which seems unlikely.

I have never yet met anyone who managed either as a child or adult to have a marvellous relationship to a father who made it clear that playing for 30 minutes with his children now and then was all he could stand of them.

By the way...
You don't need to discuss your marriage with your children, it's irrelevant , if it was an awful marriage or the best marriage ever, it's irrelevant.
The fact is, you are no longer married and your choices are your choices.

Sago

Your daughter is shocked, she opened a door and walked into your world, a world she had no idea existed, her reaction is shock and she needs time to come to terms with it.

I suggest your children knew exactly what their father was like but because of his premature death they want to rewrite history, this makes it easier for them as they are mourning the father they wanted not the father they had, they are not ready to deal with the facts.

I suggest you give them time, carry on as you normally would remain resolute and don’t let them come between you and your relationship.

I know this is hard but you must not cave in.

Things will get better.

I agree with Sago The way they found out was a shock for them all. As they are still bringing the GC to yours they will come round eventually.

Don’t mention your new DP to them and carry on as you are.

Please put yourself first and accept this chance of happiness.

I imagine it was a shock for them as you hadn't mentioned anything but they are being completely unreasonable. just carry on as you are and live your best life. They will get over it and over themselves at some point.

I have personal experience of this and the sibling in question still found fault with their Mother about everything anyway, she treated her as a possession after her Dad died. It is completely unfair behaviour and the upshot was her Mum lie to her as she had always had a gentleman companion in secret and what is the point of that when you still go forwards and make new family memories anyway?

You deserve a life of your own and it is completely natural to enjoy the company of others and sex in your 50s is completely normal also

I absolutely think you should do what you like as it is your life and you deserve happiness. But you should have remembered that your DD had a key!!

It isn’t cheating . Adult children don’t usually confide in their parents if they get a new love interest and I don’t believe we should confide in them until things are serious.
There is something here though about open, honest communication in families. It’s common for the deceased love one to grow a halo that covers any horns. The time when these adult children’s determination to idealise and romanticise the relationship between their parents passed. Instead of gentle, calm discussions when memories are shared, there’s been an explosion.
I do hope things settle down

but you have been living a fake double life based on lies with your kids and now they are shocked
'Maureen' has not been living a fake double life based on lies. What a dreadful thing to say.
Did you really expect her to say to these extremely obtuse children as they sang the praises of their dead father: "well, actually, he was awful, not interested in you, mean to me and very selfish." Really?
I vowed never to criticise my ex-husband to my children, and managed it most of the time, because it is unfair to burden them with adult problems and slag their parent off. I was touched years later when my son, talking about a friend whose parents were splitting up spectacularly and trying to make him take sides, said: "you never dragged us in and talked dad down or made us take sides". Later he said, "Dad treated you like sh**" which again surprised me; they both were aware of far more than I realised.
I wonder what sort of world these 'adult' children live in that makes them think they can lay down conditions for continuing their see their mother, particularly as all three of them are sponging off her. She has known this man six months, and he stays over occasionally; was she supposed to formally announce that?
They should be pleased she has found new happiness with someone, instead of acting like the morality police.
Whoever suggested they were worried about losing all the generous benefits she bestows on them is right.