My eldest son is 43. I conceived him when I was 15 and at the time I was vulnerable and exploited to a degree. At first I thought the baby was due on the 29th November until I had a scan and discovered I was 20 rather than 30 weeks pregnant. I had a few contacts, 4 to be precise, but the dates matched with a 27 year old man I had slept with. When my son was born he looked like he was this man’s son. I never doubted it. Fast forward to last year, this man died and my son was contacted by an heir hunter because somehow they’d found out about the connection. My son had been to see him once as an adult so they must have exchanged details. I should explain that I have been estranged from my son because he got addicted to heroin and stole from everyone in the family and I find it hard to trust him, he is a pathological liar, He told me via WhatsApp that he had done a DNA test and wasn’t a match to this man. I have been sucker punched with this. The thing is he didn’t question me at the time he allegedly found out. I don’t know what to think. I did sleep with other people after this man and it might be that the scan was wrong, I was induced so didn’t go into labour spontaneously. In those days they induced you to get you out of the hospital and I was in with high blood pressure. So he may have been delivered early, it was a difficult birth with forceps.So there are 2 other candidates but he is so like the 27 year old man I can’t believe it’s not him., I am conflicted - is my son telling me the truth as he has a long history of lying or have I been wrong all along? Opinions welcome and advice to move forward. My mind is blown and I don’t knowmwhatmtomdo. Thank you if you have read this far.
I can't help feeling that some of you aren't really focusing on the OP's dilemma.
This isn't about the son at all it's about the way buttonjugs can move forward.
Since her son was born she believed that she knew who his father was but she had no proof. Now her son has shattered that belief. It has 'blindsided her' and she needs to find a way of coming to terms with it.
OP, you were a child and he was an adult.
I'd write what that is but I'm guessing it would be deleted, so maybe look at it in a different way, he was...what he was, he was also a non existent dad, never contributed or played a part.
He sounds like an absolute disgrace as well as what he was...maybe look it as a lucky escape.
You are absolutely right Cressida. My post to that effect was deleted, along with others. It’s not about the son at all. It’s about Mum.
Germanshepherdsmum
You are absolutely right Cressida. My post to that effect was deleted, along with others. It’s not about the son at all. It’s about Mum.
👆 This!
Hold fast Buttonjugs.
I wish you peace of mind.
Yes, the deletions on this thread have distorted the conversation, which we were trying to move back to being about the OP.
Thanks Cossy, it’s unfair and inaccurate to say addiction is largely caused by childhood trauma. It’s also wrong to see family therapy as the way forward in the OP’s situation. She’s been honest and shown courage to set out the circumstances in which her son was conceived. I hope you’ve read the positive and supportive comments here buttonjugs. Look after yourself
Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
Buttonjugs, as you know your son can lie about things, maybe it's best to just assume that what you've just heard is inaccurate. I can't see any point in questioning your earlier assumptions now anyway. If your son is determined to find his father, then it's up to him to register on a DNA database. I suspect he's just trying to rattle you, though, so show no interest.
VioletSky
Sadly once certain people take over a thread and make any other thoughts or opinions unwelcome by whatever means necessary
They die anyway
We were simply reminding you that the issue is not about the OP's relationship with her son, or his slide into addiction.
She's shocked at 'news' that has shattered her belief in his paternity - one she has obviously held for nearly 50 years, and that has shaken her.
So the matter is not about addiction, or the stereotyping of addicts, or therapy sessions in order to 'heal'. She's trying to work out the probabilities and possibilities relating to his birth and the heir-hunters involvement.
Can you not see that?
One way to ensure that other thoughts or opinions are unwelcome is to get them deleted 🙄.
I agree Doodledog. We all know about getting deleted when trying to get back to what the stream was about. Quite a lot of us have had it happen in the last few days.
Sometimes ideas are given that others think will make the op feel worse. They like anyone else on this forum should be able to voice their views without being taken down.
One rule for one, another rule is being applied to the many because of someone who thinks they are an amateur psychiatrist or CBT counsellor. Any of us could become one by doing a course, no medical degree is needed few if any GCSE are needed.
It is frightening that someone can manipulate the forum in such a way. It is not giving balanced ideas from a wide range of grans with so many deletions.
They could push the op towards considering something drastic. Then who would be to blame?
Not the ones who tried to get back to the original post.
They die anyway
How inappropriate a comment is that. Shame on you violetsky.
GSM and others sorry your posts got deleted. As usual the ones who caused trouble on threads play innocent . Those who give good advice are deleted.
OP about time this thread ended it's going no where GSM knows what's she's talking about .
And stop putting links to things . I got trolled by clicking on one 3 years ago.
Bella23 - agree with your post. We do have posters who are qualified lawyers and therapists who offered constructive advice to the OP. VioletSky seemed to see this as ‘taking over a thread’. Her ‘they die anyway’ comment seems particularly inappropriate on a forum largely aimed at and used by, older people.
It’s a great shame that a thread containing support and advice for the OP was turned into something else altogether and that GNHQ saw fit to delete posts which continued to support the OP in favour of those which supported her son and hinted that she was to blame for his addiction. I hope the OP has seen past that and felt the support and encouragement which so many tried to give her.
Germanshepherdsmum
It’s a great shame that a thread containing support and advice for the OP was turned into something else altogether and that GNHQ saw fit to delete posts which continued to support the OP in favour of those which supported her son and hinted that she was to blame for his addiction. I hope the OP has seen past that and felt the support and encouragement which so many tried to give her.
👏👏👏
GSM the voice of reason as always .
Iam64
Bella23 - agree with your post. We do have posters who are qualified lawyers and therapists who offered constructive advice to the OP. VioletSky seemed to see this as ‘taking over a thread’. Her ‘they die anyway’ comment seems particularly inappropriate on a forum largely aimed at and used by, older people.
Yes, GSM knows her onions, and her post was carefully crafted to be informative and it was thoughtful and kind. Buttonjugs had an awful shock and this was just the kind of reassurance she probably needed.
Buttonjugs If you can, let us know how you are. If you are unable to but are still reading, I really hope you're getting over the shock of this 'revelation' and have found some comfort from the messages on here.
I'll second that. Buttonjugs has had a rough ride on this thread, on top of the situation itself, and it would be good to know that she is ok.
Yes, it would. I hope she will come back and let us know how she is.
It would be good to know she is O.K. and has not been influenced by some of the less rational posts.
Thanks GNHQ!
Quite.
Posts get removed for being unkind on a personal level
I really don't understand the point of being personal, we are all grown adults and should behave that way
It is being personal to suggest that someone is responsible for ACEs, and that this triggered a child's addiction. It doesn't get much more unkind, really.
The 'personal' comments to you were nothing of the kind. They simply pointed out that you were out of order. Which you were. 100%.
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